Reindeer Games

Reverse order events:

Today:

Just got back from the department Christmas party. We ate Hawaiian food and exchanged gifts. Everyone was really excited about the Christmas antlers we received and wore them through the opening of the presents. At my work, the rule is that you buy everyone the same gift and it must cost less than a dollar. You could also make something if you want. I bought everyone cowbells. This fits with my music theme because last year, I bought kazoos for everyone. Next year, I had a great idea. I'm going to buy $1.00 CD's at the store. Most stores have a random clearance CD section wherein all the CD's are really funny and cost a dollar.

Our director is retiring in August this year, so we knew this was going to be a special Christmas. For our gifts from him, we were each given a carved angel. Mine is called the angel of love, and she is holding a nest of birds.

This is interesting because love is THE attribute I struggle with the most. I'm still not quite sure what it means to love, and my actions aren't always very loving. Sometimes I question whether I love people at all. So I find it interesting that of all the different angels I could have received, I received the one that is the most ironic. I feel like there's a message in the gift for me this year. It was a great party. And no one is going to get any work done for the rest of the day.

Sunday:

Woke up and went to church to practice the children's choir who amazingly enough really practiced a lot on their own and sounded great! My parents came into town to see my sister and I perform in our church's Christmas service last night. One of my friends cooked this whole meal for everyone so my family went to "dinner" at her place. She is such a great cook! The food was great, and so was the company. I'm really glad my parents had the chance to meet some of my friends. Then we relaxed at my place before heading out to the church.

Kids choir. So funny. Of course something always has to happen and what happened this time was that our littlest singer who is about 3 decides to hold a syllable just a tad too long in Joy to the World so it sounded like this:

Joy to the world,
the Lord is come
let Earth receive her Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnngggggehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It made me laugh in the middle of the performance.

I thought things went rather well on the whole.

Saturday:

Christmas shopping, chores, and party. I cannot believe I actually found a spot at the mall to park in. I managed to do about half my Christmas shopping and wore myself out. Then I went back to my place to take a nap, only I watched "Elf" instead. It was still restful. Then I started washing my clothes, practiced guitar like crazy for the performance with the kids on Sunday, and then when my laundry was done, took it to dry at the laundromat, wherein a whole row of dryers did not work and there were not really too many dryers available. I had to finish my chores before going to the Christmas party, so I was about 2 hours late. However, I dressed up like a reindeer, and took a picture with my friend who dressed up like an elf. Awesome.
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I am noticing a reindeer theme. I think they are my favorite Christmas symbol. Which is sort of weird. And I'm still wearing antlers.

Another Christmas Party

So I'm going to this Christmas party on Saturday wherein there will be a Christmas sweater contest. I do not have any good Christmas sweaters. However. I do have reindeer antlers. So I think I'm going to resurrect my old halloween costume from about 5 years ago and show up as a reindeer. Yeah baby. I'll take pictures.

Music

I worked really hard on this piece for the orchestra I'm in. We did the concert last Friday, and none of my friends came. I was sad because no one I knew came. It made me realize that music is meant to be shared and that it is important to me, more important than I realized.

More parties

Went to a very fun birthday party last night that ended with a jam session wherein we all sang "isn't it ironic" by Alanis. Our new friend Kyle somehow manages to channel the spirit of the songwriters and singers of the songs he plays. He does a good Garth Brooks and Bryan Adams impressions. He also played a bit of Keith Urban, and I think he really likes country. He is definitely a good guitar player, and he's fun to be around.

Blue

Cellos sound blue.
Blue like the depths of the ocean
Sweetly, nostagically blue
Brought to life by a bow drawn across strings
Even happy sounds have sadness lurking beneath
Much as the sea happily winks on the surface
But is serious and darkly blue
down below
in its heart of hearts,
where few have ever been
or are likely to go.

Monday Mishaps: 2

It was such a busy weekend last weekend, and everything I did was fun, but it wore me out. Handel's Messiah took up about 6 hours of my time between the rehearsal and performance. I did not get my usual down day. By the time the weekend was over, I had a heck of a stack of laundry. So I decided to go to the laundromat. Everything was going well when I got a call from a good friend of mine. I have not talked to her in awhile, so it was good to catch up with her. Well, I hung up the phone, put it down on my passenger seat, opened my car door, locked it and closed it. I ended up locking my phone, my keys, and my wallet in the car that night. I had to run home to use the phone. It was about a mile. Then I called the auto club, and they bailed me out. I have a spare key somewhere, but I couldn't find it. It was a heck of a night.

I must be mentally stressed out, because that's when I always start either losing my keys, locking them in my car, or leaving them in the door. Which I also did about 2 weeks ago.

Recent Happenings

Reverse order events:

Piano Party (Saturday 12/02):
My roommate and I celebrated the moving of my piano from LA to SD with a party. It was really fun because it had a focus: everyone had to play or sing a song. It was highly entertaining and everyone had a good time. Toward the end of the party, one guy started playing guitar, and I started playing cello, and we had so much fun playing together for a small group of our friends...I think there were about 5 or so left. I told the guitar player that if he ever formed a band I would be in it.

Side note about the party: We now have a ridiculous amount of alcohol to drink at our place, and neither of us are big drinkers.

Arrival of the piano:
So excited to get my piano back. It is 100 years old and has been in my family for about 50 years. My grandmother bought it for my aunt to play when she was young, but my aunt just quit one day and the piano sat soundless. When my mom got married to my dad, my grandmother gave the piano to my parents because my dad is a musician. His mom (my other grandmother) is a music teacher, and all her kids are very talented musicians. Of all my siblings, I was the only one to learn and continue to play. My mom told me that I could have the piano. That day has come.

Saturday (of Thanksgiving weekend):
Drove back to San Diego from LA area to share a meal with my friends. It was a good time.

Friday (of Thanksgiving weekend):
At my dad's house for dinner. LS is 3 years old and belongs to my step-brother, who is back in jail.

RR: Hi Everyone! (Looks down at LS) Hi L! How are you?
LS: Do I know you?
RR: Well, we've met before but its been awhile. I'm Robyn. One of your aunts.
LS: Okay. Let's play.
-----------------------------

Well, we decorated the Christmas tree at my dad's house, had dinner together, and celebrated my step-sister's birthday.

Here's a funny story: Every year on Christmas day, we steal this family picture of all us kids when we were young and on vacation out of my step-mom's living room and wrap it for her to open. The first time it happened, she didn't notice and she actually laughed because it was unexpected. We have been trying to play this trick on her every year since. Every year we succeed in wrapping it, but most of the time, my step-mom notices that the picture is missing.

This year we are trying to scan and copy the picture without her noticing WAY before hand. I don't know if my sister succeeded in this endeavor, but this year, we are going to give my step-mom a poster size version of the photo. Should be entertaining.

I also went out with my two step-sisters and my sister that night. We had a good time and it was the first time all the girls went out together. However, my step-sister wasn't drinking very quickly so we had to invent a drinking game: For every five words that came out of her mouth, she had to take a sip of her drink...it was also helpful that she got a phone call and went outside because I was able to take a gulp of her drink so that she would finish it faster. If she noticed that there was less to drink when she came back, she didn't say anything.

Thanksgiving night:
We went to my grandma's house. The boys had invited two of their friends from Fresno to play in the Turkey Bowl. When we arrived to grandma's house, the boys and my sister started to play 3 flags up. Then we ate. Lots of food of course. And the two boys from Fresno proceeded to have an eating contest. Whoever ate the most would not have to drive that night all the way back to Fresno. My brother was the referee. The guy who lost ended up puking. Between the two of them they ate about 6 full plates of food and 10 pieces of pie.

Turkey Bowl (on Thanksgiving morn):
This holiday started early. My sister and I shared a room and her alarm went off at 6:30am. We sort of started getting ready for breakfast because our brothers and their friends were playing football in the morning... the annual red/black game that they started four years ago. This year, they painted the field, had a trophy, and my sister made big posters in support of the red team. There were a lot of families that showed up in support of the game. I filmed the whole game on my dad's digital recorder. The red team lost, mostly due to the fact that they didn't fight any of the bad calls that went against them.

Monday Mishaps

One of my co-workers asked me to help move some sodas over from the music department to her office. They were left over from homecoming events this weekend. We got everything loaded onto a book cart, and then headed over to the library. On the way, I hit a divet in the concrete, and all the sodas fell off the cart. So funny. We were helped by a kind faculty member from the math department to get all the sodas back on the cart.

Potlucks and Parties

Everytime I go to potlucks thrown by certain friends of mine, I have to see the guy who asked me out. He is always there. I have not gone out with him, and don't plan to. Now, normally, I think most people are fine in this situation. I get nervous and avoid him by talking to people in other rooms. I feel awkward, although he probably doesn't. I think I'm more socially inept than I had previously realized. I'm out of practice and find myself without topics to speak of with people I don't know very well. And I was thinking to myself that there were a few guys I would be interested in, but I have nothing to say to them really, mostly because I don't know what to say. I live a boring life. I really am out of practice trying to talk to people I don't know that well, and this is just one of the reasons why I don't like parties all that much.

So I think its ironic that my roommate and I are going to throw a party because once my piano arrives, the house will be completely ready for us to have our housewarming party. This will only be the second big party I've ever thrown. The first was a birthday party about 2 years ago.

The Ocean

So the ocean is the most interesting shade of purple today. Normally, it is shades of gray, blue, and green, but today...it is most definitely purple.

Sunday Boredom Series: 2

Just got back from visiting Laurel, and it was so fun. I really miss seeing old friends on a regular basis. I really wish we could live in the same city. But alas. I have committed myself to going back to grad school, and therefore, I will be living and working in San Diego for at least another three years. That's a good thing. My staff is very supportive, and bought me a sweatshirt from my new school and gave me cash for the books I will have to buy. I'm glad that I have a new path to follow, and although I never thought I would go this route, I feel that it is the right decision for now.

Word(s) of the week:

Christian Seekers

Definition: Those church-goers who go to church looking for date-able Christians of the opposite sex. Relentless attention seekers but only want attention from and or relationships with "attractive" members of the opposite sex.

The female version of the Christian Seekers drive me nuts, and I have not seen this very much with the guys cause there just aren't that many, and with the girls flocking to them, they don't really have to try.

News and Notes

It feels so good to have the housing situation under control. I'm done with my old place and into the new completely with nothing else to worry about. I called my parents to find out when I can move my piano down. I'm so looking forward to that day.

I went to Knott's Scary Farm last weekend and it was really fun. I didn't think it was very scary. It was more disturbing than anything else, and it was fun because of the people I went with. I found out that the guy who invited me along went to the same youth group I did in Jr. High and High School, and we know a lot of the same people even though we didn't know each other. I did recognize his brother though, who graduated high school a year ahead of me. It was one of those small world connections.

I also made a new friend (sort of). I had been meaning to try and hang out with this girl more often, but I really haven't been able to spend that much time with other people over the last month anyway. We really have a lot of the same interests and I really like her a lot. Now that I have moved, we're sort of neighbors. Anyway, she came to Knott's as well, and then over for dinner last Friday, and we ran some errands together last night. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her better.

Hope

I hurt because you are hurting
I do not have the words to help
And I do not envy your broken heart

But I do know that because you are strong,
You will grow stronger
Your love will grow wiser,
And your faith, deeper

Do not lose hope
because God loves us more than we can ever know or imagine.

Pathetic Life

I had a Sunday off for the first time in a long time. So I went to some friends' apartment and spent almost all day with them and a few other friends from church. It was so nice to be able to do that. I didn't realize how isolated I have been until I spent time with everyone and I was talking it over with a friend of mine who came to visit me for lunch and I started to tear up a bit. I have definitely been missing my friends because I used to only see them on Sundays, and now that I'm at a different location, I don't really see anyone anymore.

In thinking about what's been going on, I have a good exuse--all my energy has been taken up by the move I made, and I work on Sundays. As of yesterday (Wed.) my now ex-roommate was still sleeping in my old apartment. She was supposed to be out last Saturday. So now I'm responsible for 3 extra days rent because she wouldn't leave. This has been extremely frustrating and stressful. But she's gone, and I'm officially out of my old place and completely into the new. My new roommate comes back from her travels today, and I feel like life is getting back to normal. Finally. It has been a lonely few months, and I'm not always sure why I don't call more people in these situations. It has to do with my perception that I don't have strong enough relationships with people or my perception that they are too busy to spend time with me. I think deep down I sometimes feel like I'm boring, or uninteresting, and unimportant to a lot of people, which is somewhat true. We all have varying degrees of importance in relation to others. Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm going to Knott's Scary Farm this weekend...looking forward to that because I've never been. Not the smartest timing in terms of what I have to do the next day...I'm going to be exhausted...but should be worth it nonetheless.

Commitment

Just realized why I don't like committing to things... I want to be able to keep my options open.

This applies to relationships as well...this might be why I have trouble dating people. That and a fear of being emotionally vulnerable.

We've been talking about different personalities at work, and I think I'm an INTP, but not extreme. I have some, but not all of these characteristics.

Focusing issues

I'm having one of those weeks where it has just been hard to focus. I have one or two tasks that I really need to finish today, and should have been done yesterday or Monday yet I procrastinate.

Its been a contemplative week for me as I've been sick, and it has made me phyisically weaker than I thought it had, I haven't been around a whole lot of people outside of work, and I have been wrestling with a decision that I really shouldn't have to wrestle with. I feel like I should just be able to make up my mind and be done with it. But I can't.

And I had a dream last night about being exposed and feeling out of control even though I should have had more control in the situation. This was interesting on a number of levels especially since I have been thinking a bit more about the level of emotional vulnerability I have with different people in my life.

Then last night at my Bible Study, we talked about how there used to be a barrier between us and God, and now there's not, so that he is now always present through the Holy Spirit and whether this has any impact on our daily lives.

Bottom line: I have a lot on my mind.

Notes

Notes in chronological order:

1. On Friday night, I waited for a friend of mine to pick me up to go spend the night at Newport. She was over an hour late, and there's nothing that makes me more insecure than complete tardiness. She didn't have her phone with her, so I thought I might have been abandoned. And there's other things I could have been doing besides sitting there and waiting for her to pick me up. It brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and totally puts me on edge emotionally. I think there are some issues here that I might need to work through...

2. Went to Disneyland yesterday for staff appreciation through work. This was really fun and I made some great connections with people at PLNU that I had not met before. One of them is getting his Ph.D. in Political Science at UCSD (I think...) and was encouraging me to apply to teach world civ. I'll go talk to him later this semester.

3. My apartment manager called my mom re: the old apartment, and I just don't want to deal with it. However, I still need to go get the last few things that are in the kitchen and in my room. I hate trying to get the stuff that's last. Mostly unimportant junk that needs to be cleaned up, and who knows if my ex-roommate has been trashing the place. This is probably what a break-up would be like except the break-up would be worse, cause my heart would have been more involved. I wish there was a move-out fairy, who could, with the swipe of her wand, move all my stuff from one place to the other without having me there.

4. I led kids' club at church this morning and taught the lesson in addition to leading the worship. Right before I started teaching the lesson, I felt something tickling my arm and brushed it off, only to find a rather large spider there. It was bigger than your typical SoCal spider about the size of a $0.50 piece, and I think I yelped a little just from the surprise, and then the kids were distracted by it and kept saying, "Don't kill it!!!" Finally, our true director got it with some posterboard and relocated it to the grassy area right behind our area. Had this been my brother or sister, I don't think they would have been functional from the fright.

Thunder & lightening...

There was a storm right over San Diego last night, and it was loud! Very tropical and muggy air. The lightening was striking so close and making car alarms go off and all the windows shake. It would have been cool to watch this storm over the ocean. We don't have storms like this very often in SoCal. They happen more frequently in the mountains and not so frequently

I think I forget how scary the storms can be when you're in the midst of them.

Tired!!!

My old roommate had a meltdown this morning. I was in no mood to deal with it. I think reality set in as she saw me put all my stuff in boxes and stack them by the front door. She asked me "why do you feel like you need to get out of here so fast?"

Real Answer #1: You are inconsiderate and I have been an insomniac with you as my roommate. You have broken our rental agreement by being loud at night, and by not informing me when your boyfriend spends the night. (Of course I did not say this to her yet...)

Real Answer #2: Because I have free time this weekend, and if I want people to help me move, I need to have everything ready to go. (this is the one I used.)

I was going to take a nap this morning, but I didn't get to because she was having a meltdown. AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

I feel just a little guilty for leaving her like this, but I'm fed up. And I feel guilty for not having more compassion toward her. But seriously, she needs more help than I can offer. What do you do when people need so much help that you don't even know where to begin or need so much help you don't want to get involved? I think that's where I'm at. I just don't like to get involved at all in relationships with people who seem to have too many needs to count.

My news

Okay, so my friend and I found this great place to live. We liked it mostly, but there are a few things we didn't like, but we have decided to live there. It's so nice, and we're both really excited. I'm starting to pack tomorrow morning. Yesssssss..... actually, I hate packing. And this is not going to be fun.

However, I'm looking forward to reorganizing and a new start. Change is good, and there's enough space for my piano. No pets allowed, but since the owners of this place live next door and don't rent anything else, I'm hoping I might be able to talk them into letting me get a small dog.

I also went to the bank and took out $500 cash for the deposit. Combined with the money I have from the summer pops, I am walking around with more than $700 on my person. Pray I don't lose it or get robbed. Seriously.

I can't think of a good way to transition into what I say next, so consider it a non-sequitor:

There's this rule I have... if you wear a white shirt out to eat, you're just asking for it... and even though I know this, I still wore a white shirt today, and yep. Spilled some salsa right down the middle. (Sigh.) I am such a klutz.

Sunday boredom series: 1

I'm so tired!!! I've brought this upon myself. I really need adult supervision at the bookstore because I really should not be allowed to buy books after 9pm. I stay up too late to finish them even when I know I have an early and long day the next day.

That's what I did last night after I talked to Laurel.

Also went househunting on Friday, and found one nice place, but they wanted us to move in on Monday. We were both feeling a bit rushed, and the price was good, but the deposit was high. Its too bad they couldn't give us a day or two to think about it because we really liked it.

Hopefully we'll find something just as good in a better location.

Untitled for now

I occasionally have these days where I'm very busy, I'm happy that I'm busy, but then at the end of all the activity, I get a little melancholy. I'm not exactly sure why today is one of those days.

This morning, I went to leadership training. The leaders at my church have been sort of trying to get me more involved, or at least trained so I can lead if they need me to. I do tend to be sort of a natural leader whether I'm officially leading or not, so I guess its good to be official. So it was me and a bunch of guys this morning which was encouraging to see. I was glad to see that there are many men in my church committed enough to say yes, I want to serve. Anyway, I got put in charge of creating next week's ice-breaker. Since its a training week, perhaps I will ask them to share the best ice-breaker they've ever experienced or encountered... that would be funny I think...

Then I met up with an old friend from high school. That was actually fun. My 10 year reunion is in October, and so I have reconnected with a couple people that I have known since elementary school. This friend went to school with me for my whole K-12 academic experience. We grew apart because I think we were at different places in life, and because of our faith backgrounds. She's not a Christian, and I had shared the gospel with her many times, and she just wasn't receptive. So we hit a wall in our relationship, and I sort of gave up. Distance aided our "break-up" because I went away to college, and she stayed in my hometown. It was good to reconnect with her. She's doing well, and I'm glad she made an effort to come visit me while she was in town.

Then I picked up a friend of mine and went to a bridal shower. I've been to three of them over the summer. This one did me in. It was long, and although many of my friends were there, its not exactly a good place for talking or whatever cause this one was a little more structured.

Laurel called while I was at the shower, and I'm so glad she did. I was having a good day, but then I just started thinking about where I am in my life, and how weird it is that I ended up where I am, and I think I started to feel some despair. One of those "I wish things were just a little different" days. I don't usually feel this way, and I will feel better in the morning, but it is going to be a long, lonely shift for me at work tomorrow.

I miss having my good friends around. Normally I would have called them to see if I could come over and just be. No stress, low key, just relax. I really wish I had someone down here who could provide that for me, and it really makes me sad that I don't. San Diego is a tough place to make good friends.

Possibilities

Yay!!!

I went out to dinner last night with a bunch of my friends from Bible Study, and I found out that one of the girls wants to move out of her place. This is such an answer to prayer because I think we would be very compatible roommates. The timeline works well for both of us. We would move into our place in November (hopefully). We just have to settle the 'where' and the 'how much' part of this deal.

This means that I put up with my other roommate for a month or two (as long as she can pay the rent) and then move out by November 30.

Eviction

Apparently my roommate got in a fight with her boyfriend the other night. I wasn't home but the manager asked me if I knew what was going on.

I'm going to evict her, I can't handle the instability of the situation, and it is unlikely that she will be able to change her behavior.

I just want some peace of mind, ya know?

Ranting

I came home last night to find my roommate and her boyfriend on the phone with his parents. I told her that I was going to go do my laundry, and then she said she wanted to come. I agreed to let her come, but it took a long time to get her out the door. Her boyfriend came with us.

Right before we left, she and I had a conversation. She mentioned that she felt like I was sending out "negative vibes" so I told her it was because I didn't understand the way she prioritized things. If I were in her shoes, I would be applying for everything I was interested in. The "I just need a job" situation. But she tells me (and this was not reassuring) that God always provides. "I know its stressing you out, but something always comes through for me at the last minute, and sometimes I just gotta trust that God will provide," she says.

I feel like this is illogical. God provides, but we also need to make an effort to make the most of our gifts and opportunities.

She also admitted that she doesn't want to try for a fear of failure, but I tried to tell her that to fail is to not try. Every attempt is a success because when you are job searching, you only need one job. The odds of getting a job are increased with every application you fill out, or every resume that you submit. I don't think she's buying it, and I still don't understand.

I don't like being home when she's there, last night she and her boyfriend were arguing and I hate listening to disagreements when I'm trying to sleep.

On top of it all, I'm getting sick and I don't want to stay home sick.

I'm kind of hoping she doesn't have enough money for rent this month so I have a good reason to evict her. Is that bad?

Go Chargers!

Friday night, Adam, Eric, and Tracy all came into town, and Duncan got to join us after practice. We all went to Cheesecake Factory and had a great time just hangin' out. Everyone but D stayed with me that night so that they could go start tailgating early in the morning before the game. I went to church and then went to the game after.

The Charger game was totally fun. We had great seats in the family section, so we got to meet all these other friends and family members. The Chargers won the game, and D got in on a series in the 4th quarter. He mostly blocked, but got to go out for a few passes too. Same as in college... when he's wide open, nobody throws to him. Frustrating.

Anyway, I'm watching the final preseason game at a coworker's condo on Friday night. She has TiVo and is saving and recording all of Duncan's games for me... so I have them on video.

Good Times

Went to watch Duncan practice last night, and they threw the ball to him twice in the end zone at the end of practice. He missed them both, but like I told him, "I'm glad they are throwing to you in the end zone!"

I didn't get to talk to him for very long, but I know he was glad to see me.

I am very thankful that my brothers and sister and I all love each other.

The game is going to be fun on Sunday, Chargers vs. Rams in San Diego.

Don't Stare

Last night was our annual PLNU community dinner. It was much better than last years because the program was better.

But I couldn't figure out why a certain guy, a friend of mine actually, was staring at me all night. It was weird and creepy. Then I figured out about in the middle of the program that it was because he was in my line of sight and because there was a mirror right behind me... he wasn't staring, he was watching the program in the mirror. Ha ha!!!

Back to school

I love fall. Sweaters, school starting, school supplies... but now I remember why I hated buying school books.

Decided to go buy my French book for the new semester before all the students come back so that I didn't have to wait in a long line and dang! My book is expensive. I dropped $120 like that. At least I don't have to pay for the class itself.

I also met the new French instructor yesterday. He is French, from France, and I'm scared. I have not reviewed all summer. Yikes!!! Studying would have made a difference. Maybe I'll do some reviewing this week and this weekend. He does seem very nice though, and I think I will learn a lot in this class. I always start the semester with good intentions but you know what they say about those.

I also need to finish my Library School application. I only need to gather everything together and send it at this point. I will hopefully be starting that in the Spring.

Kids Club

This morning at church, many of the kids from the VBS came to sing at church for their parents. We sang two songs I wrote. So funny. As I was exciting the service to go back to help supervise our Sunday morning kids club, one of the moms came up to me and said, "that song makes me cry everytime!" So cool! Not that she's crying, but that even my silly kids songs can touch people's hearts.

I met this mom on Friday night at our ice-cream social and her husband as well. We found out that her husband had never ever been to church before and because he came to our ice-cream social, and saw that we were nice, normal, casual, people, he agreed to come to church on Sunday. So cool. Their daughter wanted to sit next to me at lunch today. She's 8 or 9.

I started doing music for kids because I like to sing, I don't have to play guitar well, and because its fun. My talent for remembering the funny songs from my childhood has combined with my other musical talents, and I think I have found my calling... well... it doesn't seem like much of a calling. I have tried to write serious songs, but I'm not very good at them. I am a decent poet sometimes, but none of my poetry translates well to music. With the kids songs, they can be funny and they can rhyme. Which I can do.

It seems like such a small, silly, thing that I do--entertain kids on Sunday mornings--but God is always bigger than I think he is, and I am amazed that God is using this silliness in bigger ways than I imagined.

The Wedding

I went to a wedding last night for two friends of mine from San Diego. I played cello in it, and it was so much fun. Funny story though, I have a friend who is over 30 and really looking for "the right guy." She was assigned to sit at the same table as me, along with 3 other people I knew, and 3 I didn't know. My friend was all excited cause the guy sitting next to her was a brain surgeon. I'm serious. He was really nice, and the two of them seemed like they were getting along well. Came time to dance, and because I was the only girl left at the table, he asked if I wanted to dance. I said, "yes" of course because in my opinion, if you get asked to dance, you should dance. So we danced. It was fun. My friend came up to us a bit later during a break and said she was leaving. Knowing that she was interested in this guy, I told her, "well, you can't leave without dancing...you should dance one dance!" Perfect opportunity set up by me to let the two of them get to know each other. Alas, she refused the dance. I couldn't believe it. Her behavior really doesn't make sense to me because there's no harm in dancing... well, unless the guy just seems really creepy or wasted...but anyway, she should have danced with him. He was so cool. Maybe a bit old for me though. :)

There's this other guy that was at our table that I have known for awhile, and we see each other at social events. He is very intelligent but very quiet and sort of shy. I have a feeling he is a deep thinker and I always want to know what he's thinking about because I always forget to ask. I was dancing with a different guy than the one above, but then he noticed another girl on the floor who didn't have a partner, so in a moment of complete weirdness, he pulled her in so we were all dancing together. Too weird for me, and thankfully, I saw the guy from my table sort of on the outskirts of the floor looking bored. So I left the weirdness and pulled this guy onto the dance floor. Totally cool experience because once we started dancing he got a big grin on his face. So much better than the "bored face" of earlier.

I had to leave a bit early because of committments on Sunday morning, but as I was trying to say goodbye to another guy friend of mine he says, "you can't leave, I was going to ask you to dance!" I tried to tell him we could raincheck it, but then he says, "look, how often have I asked you to dance?" I said, "never." He said, "That's right, never, so you can't leave!" I laughed and agreed to dance the next dance with him.

Anyway, it was a good wedding overall, mostly because people weren't so uptight. Everyone was trying to have a good time. :)

My wedding stats:
20ish "good cello-ing" comments
10ish "love your outfit" comments
(very classy lavender tank with sequins, and long formal black full orchestra skirt)
6 dances with single guys
3 "goodnight" pecks on the cheek from single guys
2 "saved myself from tripping over my skirt" moments
1 small hole in my skirt from a "tripping over my skirt" moment
0 bridal bouquets caught.

Prodigal Son

For you, Ryan, who requested to see more kids songs on the blog...this is a song I wrote:

Once upon a time
A long time ago
There was a kid
Whose dad loved him so
But he got so tired
Of being told what to do
So he told his dad,
"Give me my money I'm leaving you"

His dad got a sad, sad, look on his face and said,

"Okay son, but I just need to say...

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again,
I'll be here waiting for you.

The kid took his money
And went into town
Bought lots of stuff
Had lots of friends around
One day he found
All his money was gone
All his friends left him
He wound up feeding some hogs

He got a sad, sad, look on his face and said,

"I wonder if my dad told me the truth..."

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again
I'll be here waiting for you.

The kid thought to himself,
"Well, I know my dad
I'll beg for a job,
And he'll take me back"
So he started home
And when he got near
His dad cried out,
"Son I'm so glad you're finally here!"

His dad got a glad, glad, look in his eye and said,

"Cook a feast, we're havin' a party!"

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again
I'll be here waiting for you.

VBS

My new roommate's boyfriend found a place to live. Yay! I'm glad, cause I was about to evict them both.

VBS is going well, but it is more tiring than I remember it being last year. Music has been going well, the kids are remembering the verse of the week because I put it to music, and things are good.

So.

My grandparents are coming into town tonight, so I think I am having dinner with them tonight.

That's all I have to say at the moment.

What have I gotten myself into?

Really wrestling right now with compassion vs. safety right now. My new roommate has a homeless boyfriend. He seems to be alright, but he has no job and nowhere to go. I've told her in no uncertain terms that its not okay for him to live with us. She seems to understand, and I made her sign a rental agreement yesterday that states that overnight guests must be cleared 24 hours in advance, and that they should not stay for an excessive amount of time. She was going to tell him today that he cannot live with us.

I can understand being down and out, and I know its hard, I've been there, but this guy does not seem to have any motivation to do anything and I think he's slightly depressed. I really hope this doesn't get out of hand, and while I feel compassionate toward him, I don't want him living with us at all. There are plenty of shelters in San Diego, and I might check with my church to see which agencies they work with. I don't understand why people sometimes will not accept help when it is offered them, unless this guy is on drugs, which is possible. Haven't been around him long enough to know.

Busy weekend

It absolutely amazes me how quiet my social life can be... no one I know really plans anything, but when they do, it is always on the same weekend, or during the same week.

I had one of the busiest weekends I've had in awhile, and my eye is still twitching. Probably from lack of sleep. On Friday night, I was supposed to go to a bridal shower for a friend of mine, but I also had to prepare my extra room for my new roommate. So on my way to the shower, I picked up some spackle, and a hammer, and then fixed up the room after the shower. Saturday, I probably should have done my laundry, but didn't. I woke up feeling sick and fatigued, so I just read all morning. Then I went to the grocery store and picked up some fruit to make a fruit salad for a party I was going to later in the afternoon. It was my kind of party. There were 5 of us there, 3 girls from my old Bible study, and a guy who is dating one of them. We sat around by the pool and caught up on each other's lives. It was really cool. Then I went to a birthday party, but only stayed for about an hour because I was so tired. I came home to find my new roommate in teh process of moving in, so the apartment was kind of a disaster. But that's alright. Sunday, I led our Kids Club, and it was probably the best job I've done so far. It was really fun. I went to lunch with two groups... I left one group early, and met the other group later. Then I had to find a skirt to wear out for a going away party last night for a friend of mine who is ironically moving close to where I grew up. We went to the W hotel in San Diego, and it was really fun. The friend who planned it told all the girls we had to wear skirts or dresses. Since I don't really have any casual dresses, and I don't like wearing skirts, I had to go find a skirt to wear with the shirt I wanted to wear. But it was a good shopping trip, because I not only found a great skirt, but also found a shirt I can wear with either black pants or skirt to the wedding I am playing in soon. Everyone was surprised and I told them to take pictures because who knows when they will see me in a skirt again.

I also found out on Saturday that my brother got signed by the San Diego Chargers. I'm so excited because I'm in San Diego. So his girlfriend is visiting me for a few days, and I'm taking some time off so that we can hang out and go watch the open practices.

New Roommate

One of the girls I originally interviewed called me yesterday on my lunch break. She is a Christian girl, and had to be out of her place by August 1. I really liked her, but she is in complete transition right now-- no job, no car, no degree. She's 24. But I need a roommate, and she needs a room, and she says she'll pay the rent. Even though it seems risky to me, I couldn't say "no" cause it sounded like she needed a break and a chance. A little bit of grace. I've been on the down-and-out side, and its not fun, and I understand how hard it is to make it in San Diego. Hopefully I will not regret this decision.

Not moving

So both of my housing options just fell through, and I'm feeling just a bit overwhelmed already knowing that its going to take time and energy to find a roommate. I'm not moving out. I plan to stay at my place. If I find a roommate I really like, then I might consider moving, but I'm finding that good roommates are in high demand and short supply. I'm about to post an ad on Craig's list and see what weirdos I get.

In other news, I was surprised a few days ago by a visit from a friend of my brother's who is currently competing for the kicker position for the Dallas Cowboys. He was down in San Diego visiting family, and came to Point Loma to run on our beautiful track. I told him if he makes it onto the team I would go to the Chargers/Cowboys game and root for Dallas. :) Then I told him he owes me an autograph if he makes it.

I also got to work with my friend Michael on a song I wrote for the kiddies who will be attending VBS in 2 weeks. Its a call and response song about the Prodigal Son. The chorus (the only part of the song that is NOT call and response) is this:

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again
I'll be here waiting for you

Its very catchy. I think it was stuck in Michael's head last night. Ha ha!!! I'm so evil!!! Mwa ha ha ha...

Miscellaneous

I went and saw a fiddle concert on Monday night. So fun. I think I want to learn. These were some of the best musicians in the world.

Still don't know what's up with housing... but I should know if I'm staying or going by the end of this evening. Hopefully.

I'm trying to get ready for VBS again. I have a couple new songs, but they need some work. I'm not good enough on the guitar to be able to put together the best possible combination of chords for the lyrics I've written.

They took the packing out of my wisdom tooth empty socket, and so I'm feeling it a little more today. I still can't really eat hard and crunchy things. It hurts my teeth.

Moving?

What a difficult decision. My roommate just moved out, and so I either need to move, or find a roommate. All the girls I have interviewed so far are unemployed. I have one opportunity to move out, and found out that the girls who currently live in this place might be moving after 10 months. But it sounds fun. I'd have to give up my furniture. But I could move my piano down.

Aaarrrgghhh!!! I don't want to think about it anymore. But the house is looking like my best option because the girls are both relatively stable. Its in a great location.

But only for 10 months? Can't I find something more stable than that?

Softball: Game 1

Okay, so I got asked to play for a church league here in SD. So my first at bat, I swing forward and hit the ball, but because I was off-balance from my swing, I tripped over my feet trying to get to first and fell flat on my face. I never made it to first. I scraped my knee, which I haven't done since high school, and totally felt like an idiot. However, I did manage to redeem my horrible at-bat with a nice catch in the 2nd inning. I played second base, so I caught an infield pop-fly for an out. I also got on base 3 additional times and scored a run. So ya know. Made up for the horridness of my first at-bat.

All I gotta say is at least expectations won't be that high for my ability as a player, so if I make good plays, people will automatically be impressed, just cause I failed so miserably early on in the game.

Pray

I was just reading a book that talks about the beauty of Montana. Now, I know it snows there a lot, and it can get very cold, but it made me crave a change in the way I'm living. I would love to move somewhere like Montana, where there's mountains, and wildlife, and open spaces, all at the same time.

I want to go on vacation somewhere like that, but I would need someone to go with me.

I have a billing method I use in my personal finances to keep track of how much money I'm spending on bills. Basically, I write down all my bills on a post-it, and mark off when they go on my bank statement. I put it in my daily planner in the month to month section. This allows me to figure out A) whether I can afford to save anything, and B) how much I'm spending each month on my bills.

Good trends in my spending:

• I'm able to cover my bills
• I'm investing some of my money, about 5% of what I make, and I just got enrolled in my company's retirement plan, and so I'm actually putting about 10% away for retirement, and about 2.5% in a mutual fund that is more easily accessible
• I'm giving about 5% of my money to my missionary friends in support and I'm trying to give about 5% to my church

Bad trends in my spending:

• I have very little discretionary income
• I use my credit card whenever I have unexpected expenses, like car repairs, therefore, my credit card seems to never be paid off

I just figured out that I'm making $29,640 per year, but after taxes and benefits taken out, I take home $22,080. In a community like San Diego, that's not much. The cost of living is very high here.

So I decided that I need to pray more for direction. I'm still facing some big life decisions. I love my job, but feel like I need to be earning more. At the same time, if I decided to go back to school, this would be the best place for me to stay and finish my education. I really have the desire to experience a new place, so it might be better for me to try and get a job in my field, but I waffle on this decision everyday. If I were truly content, maybe I wouldn't be so restless.

I need to pray that God would guide me in these decisions and bring me to the place where I should be...it still could be here in San Diego.

I'm thankful that I even have some of the options that I do, to experience new places, people, and ideas.

Tow Truck Story -- Conversations 9

“Triple A, this is Candice, how may I assist you this evening?”
“Yeah, hi, I need a tow.”
“What is your membership number?”I read the digits off of my card.
“Are you blocking traffic?”
“No.”
“Are you in a safe place?”
“Yes, I’m at my apartment.”
“Where’s the car?”
“It’s parked on the side of the road.”
“Okay, what city is the car in?
“San Diego.”
“What’s the exact location of the vehicle?”
“It’s at the intersection of Texas and Polk.”
“And where do you need it towed to?”
“4035A Pacific Highway.”
“Okay, the tow truck will be there between now, 7:58pm and 8:27. Is there anything else we can help you out with this evening?”
“No, thank you, that’s it.”
“Okay ma’am, have a nice evening.”

Then I called my friend Cathy.

“Cathy, the tow truck will be here in about 30 minutes. Are you ready?”
“Yeah, I’m just going to get directions to the garage, grab a sweater, and then I’ll come over.”“Actually, I’m going to head over to the intersection to wait for the tow truck.”
“Where is your car?” she asked.
“Its on the corner of Texas and Polk” and I gave her the directions.
“Okay, I’ll see you there.”

Cathy’s car had refused to start the previous day and I bailed her out. Perhaps my car was experiencing empathy pains. I was at a stop sign, and my car just sputtered and died. So I put my hazard lights on and got out of my car to try and figure out what to do. I was blocking traffic, so I began to wave people around me until a guy and a girl in a jeep asked if I needed help. I had noticed that there was a parallel parking spot right behind me on a downhill slope, and I thought I could possibly get the car in that spot while I figured out what to do. So I said, “Yes, actually, I do need some help. Would you mind helping me park the car in that spot?”

They were engaged, and so cute, and really nice. The guy helped me parallel park my car while it was in neutral, and then they offered me a ride home. The guy says, “You know, I just hope that if my girl ever got stranded, there would be someone willing to help.”

I agree.

They turned out to be the kind of neighbors who frequently walk their dog in front of my house and the kind of neighbors you want to be your neighbors.

I made my way over to the intersection where my car was parked and settled in to wait for the tow truck. Cathy arrived about 10 minutes later and was waiting on the side of the road. She couldn’t turn her car off for fear that it wouldn’t start back up.

There was a guy on the opposite street corner waiting for someone as well. Occasionally, he would ask me what time it was.

After about 30 minutes, Triple A called me back to inform me that my tow truck driver was running behind schedule, but that he would be there in five minutes. “Great!” I thought. I ran to where Cathy was waiting and told her, “Five more minutes!” Then I went back to the street corner to wait.

I was getting antsy because I had called a garage, and the guy told me he would wait for me, and that he would be there for another hour. That was 30 minutes ago, so I felt like I was running out of time. Finally, the tow truck arrived, and I was glad. Then the driver started talking.

“Awww, why did you park it there? Okay, try to start it.” I try to start the car, and it turns over but won’t catch.
“Do you have gas in it?” implying that I was just a ditzy girl who had run out of gas.
“Yes!” I said, I have a quarter of a tank.”
“Do you know who owns that van? It is going to be tough to get it out.”
“No, I don’t, do you think you can push it out?”
“I don’t believe this,” he mumbled to himself, but more so that I could hear him. Then he tells me, “I ain’t even supposed to be here!” I can tell he is getting increasingly upset.
“Well, let’s try to move it” I said, ignoring his last statement.
I got in the car, and he got behind me to push. “Are you ready?” I asked.
“Yeah!”
I let my foot off the break and said, “Okay, go!”
I feel him try to push the car, but it didn’t really move anywhere.
“I can’t move this!” he says to me, “You should have just left it at the stop sign! You won’t get no ticket!” and then he heads over to his truck and starts yelling at someone on his radio. He was obviously mad.

I decide to get reinforcements, so I recruit the guy waiting across the street who had watched us block traffic for about 15 minutes. I cross the street and start talking with him.

“Hi,” I said. “Are you busy at the moment? “Would you mind helping the tow truck guy push my car? He’s kind of in a bad mood, and I need some help. Were you waiting for someone?”
“Yeah,” he says, “But I don’t know where my ride is.”
“Well, can you come help?”“Sure, I suppose so.”

We wander back across the street where the driver is getting increasingly frustrated.
“I found some help” I told him.

He didn’t answer me, and just got in his truck and started maneuvering around.
Some people pulled in across the street, and another guy comes over to ask if we need help. “Yeah, the tow truck guy is in a really bad mood” I said, “And I think we need help, but he won’t tell us how to help him,” referring to the other guy I had pulled off of the street to help.

Finally, the tow truck is in place. The three guys position themselves behind my car. I hear the driver say, “I ain’t even supposed to be doin’ this, I ain’t got no workers’ comp!”

I tell them, “Okay, go!”

They push the car about 5 feet out at an angle, and the car is now in great position to be towed. I watch the driver hook my car to his truck. “Where are you towing it?” he asks.

“4035A Pacific Highway” I tell him.

“I’ll follow you over” he says.
“Okay,” I responded. I wasn’t initially upset at the situation, but his attitude made me upset.

I thanked the two random guys for their assistance, and then went to talk to Cathy, who has been waiting for me this entire time.

“This guy is so pissed off right now,” I tell her.
“Why?” she asks, “Is he mad at you?”
“I’m trying really hard not to take it personally,” I tell her. “He wants to follow us to the garage, so which way do we start?”
“We’re going to turn left, and then left on El Cajon,” she tells me.
“Okay, thanks,” I said, “I’ll be back.”

I tell the driver, “Okay, so we’re going to turn left, and then left on El Cajon.”
He barely acknowledges my presence as he finishes hooking my car up to his truck. As soon as he’s done, I tell him where we’re headed, and then get in the car with Cathy.

“He is so pissed off right now,” I told her. Then I told her what had happened. As we were driving, I told her, “If we get lost, he is going to be really mad, so I hope we find the garage okay.”

We get to the right street, and I start watching the street signs for numbers, then we passed the block where the garage was, so Cathy and I make a U-turn, and I said, “ooohhh, he’s going to be so mad!”

Cathy looks at me and says, “Its his job to tow cars, and I don’t care how mad he is!”

We see the garage, and she drops me off, parks and goes to flag down the driver. I tell the two guys, “Okay, this tow truck guy is so pissed off right now.” Then I tell them the whole story. Then I said, “I’m so mad right now I’m shaking!”

They tell me, “Well, you’re here now, its going to be okay, just let it go. We can take it from here.” I thought it would be a good idea.

Meanwhile, Cathy is outside, trying to flag down the driver. Apparently he was very close to driving off with my car, but Cathy got him to bring the car over to the entrance. She gets out to talk to him, but he’s being a belligerent jerk, and Cathy was yelling at him too.

As soon as he got out to unhook my car, he had nothing to say to either me or the guys at the garage. As soon as he was done, he got in his truck and drives off in a huff.

“Triple A, this is Michael, how may I assist you this evening?”
“Yeah, hi, I just called you guys to get my car towed this evening, and it was, and thank you, that was awesome, but the tow truck driver? He wasn’t very nice at all. He was really mean. I didn’t have a problem with you guys at all, just the driver.”
“Oh, let me get your name so I can get my supervisor to look into it.”
“What’s your name?"
I gave him the information.
“Thank you, I will have my supervisor look into this. Is there anything else I can help you with tonight?”
“No, that’s all, thank you.”

And I hung up the phone.

Mexico

I went to Mexico over Memorial Day weekend with Cornerstone Bible Church as a high-school leader. I was put in charge of VBS and worship. So I had a $300 budget, and spent almost all of it on VBS supplies and recreational sports equipment. Got everything into my car, including my sleeping bag, extra blankets and a pillow, got to Mexico, and quickly realized that I forgot my bag of clothes.

I felt like such an idiot for not remembering. But it was a great lesson in humility and God's provision. I had t-shirts, and wore the same pants all weekend. I realized even more how blessed we are in the states, because for the people we were helping, a daily change of clothing is not always possible. There is not much water, and what water there is must be paid for.

I had a great time in spite of not having brought my clothes, but God is good, and he always provides. I even got clean underwear out of a package and clean socks too. For some reason, I had floss in my car, and so I didn't really need a toothbrush.

However, between giggling high school girls, the roosters crowing from 2am on, and my volunteer shift at breakfast (5:30 wake-up call), I got maybe 12 hours of sleep. I don't think I could constantly live like this, but it was definitely fun.

Vacation

I finally got a vacation, and I'm so relieved. I really needed a break, even if this one was attached to a business trip. Vacation helps me gain perspective, and I'm so glad this one came with the hospitality of a good friend. It is refreshing to my soul to be able to experience her hospitality and a listening ear. Thanks Laurel!

Still confused about life and what I should do next, but it has helped to know that I am not alone and that people are praying for me.

Conversations - 8

"Um, hi, I need to reactivate my account," I said to the staff guy at the YMCA, slightly embarassed. They have this system there that keeps track of how many reps and weights you're supposed to lift.

"Okay, no problem..." He says. "How long has it been since you've been here?"

"Three months," I replied, "I got sick, then injured, and then I just got lazy."

"Well," He says, "at least you're back."

"Yeah, thanks, summer's a good time for me to get back into it," I said.
------------------
I'm feeling pretty motivated. I realized that my summer is going to be pretty boring, and all the extra stuff I've been doing ended with the school year, so now I have all this extra free time, and no one to hang out with. So I figure I'll just hit the gym as hard as I can this summer. I want to see what kind of a difference it makes in my attitude and physique.

Thoughts of the weekend

What a crazy weekend! My mother had jaw surgery last Thursday, and had complications. We had to call 911 at 3am and the fire dept. showed up. I'm thankful that she's doing a lot better today. I was a little scared.

Today is my last Sunday working until the fall. I'm thankful for that as well. I will finally get to spend more time with friends from church after the service.

I also picked up my new glasses. Interesting. I can only sometimes tell that they make a difference. Like now. My eyes have been tired all day. I think it is linked to the general fatigue I feel as a result of the stressful weekend. It was not relaxing at all.

I just have to say that I hate it that my step-mom has to argue or dispute everything I say. This bothers me. Remind me not to marry someone who always has to be right.

I really think I need a vacation, but I don't know where I should go. I want to go to London to see my sister and a friend of mine who lives there, but that would not be a restful vacation. The time difference would kill me. I'm thinking about now maybe trying to attach the trip to an extra vacation.

I saw my dad this weekend also and we chatted. Everytime he asks me how I'm doing I don't know what to tell him. Life is the same, there's not anything exciting going on, but I'm a little frustrated because I have some decisions to make and don't know what to do. But I don't feel like I can say this to my dad.

I am sliding into a depression I think. Not clinical or anything, but I think I'm prone to it. This is interesting because I don't want to be depressed. But I don't know what I can do to snap out of it. I feel very alone right now.

I'm glad I at least get to take a small break next weekend. I am visiting Laurel, and it will be good.

Summer's Dread

I cannot believe that it is May already. I'm dreading the summer. It will be boring and I will live from break to break at my job.

So my friends ended up coming over for dinner last night, and it was fun, but we didn't get to talk all that much. It made me a little sad.

I just realized that I haven't posted any dialogs lately. That's because I haven't had any interesting conversations in awhile.

I did recently run into a coworker at Costco the other day when I was getting my new glasses, and she laughed when I told her that I had to get them. She said something like, "you have to get glasses? And you work in the library? Now all you have to do is put your hair in a bun...mwa ha ha ha!" (That was an evil laugh reference...).

She was stereotyping. However, I am not a librarian. And I don't know if I ever will be. Then again, my life and its detours never cease to amaze me.

Almost...

Sometimes I have these days where it starts out not so good, and then gets worse. Today was almost one of those days... I just failed a French test, and then one of my friends called me and told me she wasn't going to be able to come to dinner tonight, and then changed her mind. I was upset because I already bought the food, and if I wasn't having people over for dinner, it would all go bad.

Again with the life

I feel like I need a vacation. I'm feeling like I need to do something more with my life and I'm having trouble making a decision.

Should I go to library school?
Find a job in student affairs, which is my actual field?
Start a doctorate?

I would feel horrible if I quit my current job because I like it so much, but I really need more money. Which is why I would consider library school. However, I have never experienced (really) a job in SA (student affairs). It is unlikely that there will be any positions available here in SD and if I did try to find a new job, I would likely do another nation-wide search. I cannot count on finding a job in the area, and it is very expensive. I would love to be able to live outside of CA and experience something new, where I could afford to buy a house and get a dog. But I have no money.

On top of all this, I am experiencing a season of introversion, and have been avoiding my friends so I don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about all these things that I'm thinking about and combined with the boredom that summer will bring, this is not going to be a very fun time of life for me.

Irritating

So last night was supposed to be a fun night for two of my friends with birthdays this month. It turned out to be more stressful than relaxing because as we sent the bill around, it came back to us and we were $120.00 short. So then we asked everyone to look at it again. We were at a salsa bar. I don't know how to salsa all that well and because of the crazy bill fiasco, I missed the lesson and ended up paying an extra $7.00 to cover what wasn't paid. A friend of mine found out and gave me $5.00 back which ended up being a good thing cause I needed money to pay for parking. I parked in a garage that had a $3.00 flat rate. Then as I was getting into my car, my parking stub fell between my dashboard and the windshield. I couldn't get it out. I figured this was probably a common occurance, but it still made me mad, and then I headed to the exit. We retrieved my ticket, but in the confusion of being unable to retrieve the parking stub in the first place, I think I dropped my $5.00. So I didn't have the money to pay for parking. I felt like an idiot as I had to pull away from the gate to park and scrounge around for change. I barely had enough, and I was so frustrated. At least the parking garage people will never remember me.

Disconnected Thoughts

My brother signed with the Dallas Cowboys. I'm so excited for him. Now he just has to make the team. It sounds probable.

I went to the eye-doctor yesterday. Turns out I may need reading glasses. I sort of noticed that my music kept getting blurrier at the end of each rehearsal.

I'm taking my sister to help pick them out if I do.

I Love Community

I love the fact that I can now go to church and hang out for lunch after. Today I conspired to get everyone to go to In-N-Out. It was a hit. I love being able to spend time with the people at church. As I left to leave for work today I said, "Goodbye my church family."

I am starting to get to know the "elders" of my church... the older, the wiser, the young families with kids... I have really missed being a part of the diversity of the church.

Ministry

I have been living in the last week in this fog of half-awakeness. My eyes are tired, probably from reading little black music notes, staring at the computer screen too long, sinus pressure, and not enough sleep.

I used to have these dreams as a child where I could only see the bottoms of things because my eyes wouldn't open all the way. I could only see out the smallest slit of my eyelids. I saw a giraffe that way, and it was just four spotted legs. At least I knew they were legs.

Good question this week from a discussion group I'm in... How do I minister to others?

Well, I have two ministries I think, one formal and one informal. The formal ministry is through my music, and I have no idea of the impact that has on other people. I also use music to help kids have fun at church, to teach them God's Truth. I really don't know that this has an impact. I suppose we'll know what kind of impact we will have once they hit jr. high or high school age... will they hold on to the Truth they have been taught? Or will they turn away? Only God knows.

My informal ministry is to my friends and family. I really try to encourage people as much as possible, affirm their strengths and gifts, and help them to move beyond their guilt when they feel guilty. I try to remind people when they feel like they've made mistakes that God still loves them, they are forgiven, and that I don't think less of them for their failures. In fact, I usually want to still be their friends.

I'm also starting to get to know the two high schoolers in our church. Both girls, and they are so fun. I'm trying to talk them and their parents into going to Mexico for a short-term mission trip.
I may have even succeeded.

I always like spending time with kids. I was such a serious child after my parents split, and I grew up very quickly. I still don't think I'm a kid person, couldn't imagine having children, and I think if I do ever get to that point, I'll probably adopt. But kids tend to gravitate to me. I don't know why except that I usually take them seriously.

I had a whole conversation with a five year old boy once at the coffee shop while his mom hung out with her friends. He just wanted someone to talk to.

Maybe my ministry is that of a listener. I don't know.

Community Bowling

Went out with the community group last night for dinner and bowling. Since our leader is Hawaiian, we had Hawaiian barbeque. It was so much fun cause there were a bunch of us, and we hadn't all been together in awhile. Three of our group were traveling, and that's a lot when all three are so consistant.

At dinner, one of the guys put his arm around my shoulders for awhile in a gesture of brotherly love. Its nice to know that he missed me. It was a comforting feeling. It makes me glad that I have a friend like him.

Everyone went bowling, but I refused to bowl. One of the girls scored a turkey!!! It was awesome!!! One of the guys was also a great bowler. Who knew that we had such depth of talent in my community group?

Magnetic Poetry - 2

What happens when my boss plays with the magnetic poetry in my office:

Robyn Is cacophony

Writing is like Prayer

Went to two lectures yesterday given by Lauren Winner, author of a memoir called Girl Meets God and in one of them, she compared writing to prayer.

This probably only makes sense to those of us who write because writing requires discipline. Most of the time, it is very challenging to try and write something profound, meaningful, or simply express your thoughts on a subject articulately.

I think it is equally challenging to pray profoundly and articulately.

I can remember so many times in college when I was trying to write a paper just sitting in front of the computer, waiting for the words to come. The more pressure I was under, the more difficult it was to get the words out.

There's a lesson to be learned here perhaps about waiting on God...

Lauren Winner commented that when we pray, we talk more than we listen.

I think that's true. For me, it is hard to listen when I feel like I don't hear from God, so I fill the silence with sound, and the quiet with His Word instead... maybe that's how we hear from God.

I struggle more than I admit with God's will for my life. Sometimes I wish he would take out ads on billboards.

Prayer is a discipline I should practice more, and it seems to be one of those things that people talk about but fail to do. That's true for me.

As I practice the discipline of prayer, perhaps God's will for my life will become more clear.

And here's a weird thing: The more I write, the more I pray... I can tell when I'm spiritually dry because in those times, I just don't feel like I have anything to write. Writing helps me to observe and reflect, and leads me to prayer.

One discipline leads to the other.

The Surreal Life

I woke up so tired this morning that life felt surreal. And for a second, I believed that I was living a fake life.

Does this happen to other people?

Does this mean I'm living a lie? I don't think so but I wish I had more time today to reflect on whether there is any truth to this fleeting thought I had when I woke up this morning--to think about how I could be living my life differently or how it could be more real.

On a completely different note...

I met a really cool guy who likes to study at the library on Sundays. He's working on an M.Div. from APU, and I have started to look forward to seeing him when he comes in. Yesterday, I was excited because I thought I would see him, and when he didn't come in, I was disappointed. As I was getting ready to leave, he showed up and chatted for awhile about his interesting life...

I really hope that he sticks around. I want to be his friend.

Sundays are a long and lonely day for me to work. I do nothing but sit at a desk. Sometimes, I get to answer interesting questions, but most of the time, it is quite quiet. I appreciate the solitude, but I miss the companionship of sharing breaks with my coworkers.

Sundays seem less lonely when this guy comes around.

Full Circle

Had a great time at the Jars concert last night, they had no bass player, and no drummer, so it was an all acoustic set.

Tammy came with me to the concert (as did my sister and another friend of mine) because her friend's brother-in-law was opening. Found out later that this was the same guy that we met at camp in 1996 when he was touring the camp scene. Tammy and I both bought his CD back then, and turns out that my family has actually heard of him. So it was cool to see him up on stage. Not only that, but the crowd actually knew his songs.

Comfort Music

I'm going to see one of my all-time favorite Christian bands tomorrow night...jars of clay. As I was reflecting on this show, I was remembering the last time I saw them in concert. My brother invited me to go because he knew I liked them a lot and they were playing at Pepperdine, where he went to school.

Prior to this concert, I had one of the most memorable and upsetting conversations I've ever had with my dad. It was awful. I came away from that experience convinced that my dad and I would never understand each other.

That concert was so good, and although I don't remember all the songs they played, I remember being able to talk to my brother about what had happened and being comforted by him. I also remember feeling that there was comfort in the music that was being played.

I find that in some of my worst times, God has comforted me through music.

Luke 6:37-42

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back." He also told them a parable: "Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully qualified will be like the teacher. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, "Friend, let me take out the speck in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye. (NRSV)

We talked a bit at Bible Study last night about the difference between holding someone accountable and judging them. It is hard to withold judgment, and forgive as God forgives, but it is what we are called to do. I think I judge more than I think I do. Yet at the same time we are to hold each other accountable. When does accountability become judgement? In our discussion I think we decided that the difference is love, even though accountability can sometimes feel like judgement. Whenever we are held accountable for sin, we get immediately defensive.

In my personal experience, I will listen, get angry, think about what the person is saying, and then evaluate their words to my behavior. Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I don't.

The Bible doesn't say "Never point out the speck," but implies we can after some self-examination. The log is our own pride and self-righteousness. It can blind us. And how can you even see a speck if you're blinded by the plank? The balance between holding people accountable and allowing them grace is tricky to maintain.

More on Art

If you stepped back for a moment and took a look at the work of art you have created with your life, what would it look like? Are the lines still forming or can you begin to envision what the entire picture is going to look like? Think of it as the masterpiece that you will present before God once you die. What will it look like? And how do you think God would judge the quality of your work? Is it a masterpiece fit for a museum? A Sunday morning comic?

What a great series of questions on the topic of Christianity and art.

If my life looked like a painting, I think it would be a bit abstract, with subtle color differeneces. I think the eyes would be somehow drawn to the center and there would be lines, but they would be disconnected from each other.

I feel pulled in so many different directions, and I have never really followed through on what I really want to do with my life. I have a lot of different interests and a fear of failure, so I don't take very many risks in terms of job stability or relationships. I feel that I have a strong center in my relationship with God, but since I'm boring (from a lack of taking risks) I think the color would be sort of boring. However, the color could imply ambiguousness in the sense that although I'm not an ambiguous person, maybe the color would hint at the depth of my soul or something.

I think the lines are still forming in my life and I have no idea what the final picture would look like. I would hope that one day I would look at my life and considerate a masterpiece, but at this point, I don't see it. My life just sort of looks boring and disconnected.

Waiting on God for direction can sometimes take a long time.

Define Art

I am trying to meditate, fast, and pray on Fridays as a ministry to Ryan, a friend of mine who is a missionary in Africa. He asked a small group of friends and family members to do this with him. Every Friday, someone writes a guide for us to study regarding a people group, idea or ministry.

This weeks guide was written by Ryan's older brother, and it was an exploration of the definition of art and exploring art in the context of Christianity. This is a subject I hold near and dear to my heart.

I love to create and feel that the best art I've created has been the result of the gift of inspiration. It is hard for me to create without inspiration, and all my best work has come in flurries when inspiration strikes, which is not often.

There is something also to be said for being disciplined in the arts. As a musician, the less I practice, the more technique I lose. It takes work to make the music sound beautiful, and not like it is difficult to play.

I also know that when I do not create, I become static and depressed. I find that for me, a creative outlet is necessary for me to stay sane. There was a time in my life that I did not create. I went through a complete dry spell. Then I realized that I needed an outlet and started creating again.

I believe that art is a search for meaning...a search for Truth. There is always suffering, pain, and evil that you encounter on the journey. These things are as true as the end result. Is there beauty in suffering? Maybe not in the physical act, but maybe in the way it refines us... and suffering is common to the human existance. We can all relate to it.

Much art is created out of suffering and despair. Sometimes the creative process in these times gives us release, and perhaps a chance to hope a little that things will be better one day. This kind of art reminds me from whence I came and where I want to be sometime in the future, even if that future is simply the next minute I breathe.

Three things

Three things tonight...

1. I alternate between being very grateful for where I am in life and yet feeling like I should be doing something more... Like there's more to life than how I'm living it.

2. The generosity of my family always surprises me. This time, I received a generous gift from my my brother. It was completely unexpected, and kind. Combined with my tax refund, this gift helped me to pay off my dental bill.

3. My roommate got yet another salary raise, and she sells books at a bookstore. She now makes double what I do, with less education. It makes me feel like a failure.

For Laurel

A Short Story:

One day while we were hanging out, Laurel looked at me and said, “You’re going to be in my wedding someday.”

I had only recently met Laurel, and had known her for maybe two weeks. People always thought we were related because we had the same color hair and eyes, and though I was taller, she wasn’t too much shorter than me. We lived in the same dorm and had initially met at a Campus Crusade meeting.

I kind of looked at her, perplexed, “You don’t even know me that well, you can’t possibly know what the future holds.”

“I just know,” she said.

“We’ll see,” I responded. This really confused me. I thought it was cool that she thought we would become good friends, but I do not let very many people get close to me and I was rather skeptical.

We later became roommates, confidants, and good friends. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. And as it turns out, she was right. I did end up being in her wedding. I felt privileged to be a part of it and see a deeply held dream come true for her.

While it takes two people to maintain a relationship, Laurel was the first person to ever seriously pursue me as a friend. It is difficult to say why some people become friends and others are friends for a time and then move on, or why some people never become close at all.

All I know is that Laurel and I shared a passion for Taco Bell, good literature, and a desire to know God more. Laurel always badgered me into telling her what I was really thinking…again, one of the only people in my life to challenge me in this way.

Laurel, I have loved being your friend, and I thank you for pursuing me as a friend those first few weeks we met. College just wouldn’t have been the same without you, and I really don’t think that I would have met anyone else who could have filled the role you have filled in my life. Life would be much lonelier without you. I’m glad I get to be a part of a dream that you have held in your heart since I first met you and though we used to tease you about it, I know I never doubted that you would be married some day…I just took issue with the “when” J. Congratulations.

Love,
Robyn

My evening

Went to my friend's apartment to do laundry. We were invited over next door for dinner, which was awesome! The girls we met were so nice. I also managed to get attacked by the laundry machine, and I suppose two loads completed are better than none. I might regret staying up so late tonight, but I had a good time, and it is Thursday tomorrow, and I have Friday off.

Hardships

I'm really struggling with my finances right now. It's so hard to get a bill in the mail that doubles your debt. I keep trying to think of ways to pay...should I pay it off as quickly as possible? Even if I have to sacrifice a lot just to pay? Or should I pay it off little by little because I can't afford to sacrifice what I think I can?

I talked to my dad about it. I never ask him for anything. I asked if I could use one of my savings bonds to pay off the debt, and told him that I would be open to hearing any suggestions he might have.

I'm so tired of owing money, I just cannot seem to get ahead in life. Its so frustrating!!! I cannot succeed in any of my financial goals unless I pay off the debt.

I didn't realize how affected I was by this until a few tears broke loose at my small group last night. I'm really stressed out about it.

But I know that God will provide. He has always been faithful in the past. My brother even offered to help if I needed it, and a friend of mine from small group offered to help me in small ways. It reminded me that people do care, and that I can still have hope for the future, in spite of major financial set-backs.

Girls' Weekend Out

This weekend was so great! I went to Napa with Laurel and her sisters to celebrate her last few weeks of singleness. We had a good time of relaxing, sharing, and fun. I'm so tired right now, but it was all worth it. I can't wait to sleep. I don't want to go to bed too early because then I'll be awake at the crack of dawn.

A Night Out

My date diary:

2:30pm
My date suggests via e-mail (I don’t do so well with the phone) that we go to a jazz club. Seeing as how my roommate and I had made plans to go see her boy play in his band later that night, I emailed him, “no, let’s just do dinner.” I also tried to convince him to go to Baja Fresh, one of my all-time favorites, but he wanted to sit-down somewhere.

4:30pm
Getting nervous, and its time to leave work. I decide on my way home that I need to take a walk before I leave cause it will clear my mind and give me time to convince myself to be nice, talkative, sincere, and less reserved.

5:00pm
I arrive at my apartment, change, and go for a walk around a large block, to the park and back.

My mantra: “Just be nice. We can be friends. Don’t be so serious.”

5:50pm
After a good self-pep-talk, I arrive back at my apartment all sweaty and decide to take a quick shower before meeting this guy at the restaurant.

6:10pm
If I had a choice, I would wear my old jeans, favorite long-sleeved shirt, and hat. Knowing that my date is from Texas and will probably wear a button-up shirt, I decide to go in jeans, an old polo, and a brown jacket.

6:20pm
Finally out the door. Headed to Mission Valley for dinner. I’m supposed to be there at 6:30pm.

6:29pm
Driving around the parking lot. The people who designed parking lots in San Diego were idiots!

6:30pm
Still driving…

6:32pm
Still driving…

6:33pm
Aha! A spot! But its not in front of the restaurant. I don’t really care, so I get out and walk over.

6:35pm
Only 5 minutes late. And my date is already there. He says hi and greets me with a hug longer than I expected. The waitress leads us over to a table. I start to pull out the chair and sit, but my date doesn’t like the table because it is in front of the server station…. So he asks the hostess if we can move. She says yes, and we moved. To a quieter corner table.

6:43pm
We start having a conversation about stuff. Topics of conversation included my Spring Break, his travel plans, rehearsal schedule (he’s a singer) and my orchestral involvement.

6:50pm
We order drinks (non-alcoholic of course!) and look over the menu.

6:55pm
The waitress comes back with our drinks and we order. I got chicken tacos. My favorite!

6:57pm
Conversation continues. Topics include: His spiritual gifts and personality (he’s an extrovert…this is making more sense to me now…I wonder if he understands the fact that I’m more introverted…), and my personality and spiritual gifts (I’m a creative communicator!)

7:10pm – 7:35pm
Food arrives. He prays. We eat and continue to talk about: My opportunities to be more creative at work, his interest in arts, my interest in water, how I almost killed myself once in a Catamaran.

7:36pm
Waitress asks if we want dessert. We decline and she leaves the bill. We continue to talk, only I’m wondering why we aren’t leaving yet.

7:40pm
My date, “Oh yeah, before I forget, here’s a CD I think you might like.”
I take the CD and look it over, “What is it?”
My date, “It’s latin jazz… there’s some songs in Spanish, Portuguese, and French I think too. I don’t know if its your style, but its mellow.”
Me, “Okay, I’ll give it a listen.”

7:40pm
My date, “I’ll pick this up,” referring to the bill.
Me, “are you sure, I’ve got money.”
My date, “Well, its up to you.”

Awkward! I ended up letting him pick up the bill.

We chat a little longer.

7:45pm
I look at my watch and say, “I need to get going.” And he says, “okay.” So he makes a gesture for me to walk ahead and we walk outside behind these kids who were singing a potentially made-up, very repetitive song about birthday balloons, which they were carrying out the door.

7:47pm
I angle toward my car. Can’t find it. This never happens to me! And my date is a witness to my momentary memory lapse.

7:48pm
Figure out that I’m two aisles farther than my car, and its parked further back than I thought it was.

7:50pm
Thanked my date for dinner, and gave him a hug.

7:51pm
Got in my car and drove away. So glad to be home. Yay!

Resting and Waiting

How important it is to rest! We talked about the Sabbath on Sunday, and how important it is to take the time to rest.

Bob (the pastor) advised us all to take the time to say "no" to things that we normally say "yes" to and to say "yes" to the things that we normally have to say "no" to. I thought that was good advice.

I am totally appreciating Spring Break, because it is a time of rest for me even though there are no students. It is very quiet here, and peaceful.

I am looking forward to this weekend, wherein I will be spending time with Laurel and her sisters to celebrate with her as she prepares for her wedding in 3 weeks.

Right after Ryan left to go overseas, I got sort of sad. I really miss him. And because he was gone, I just let it be. Then he sent me an email a few weeks later and reminded me that even though he lives farther away, we can still communicate. It was sort of a "Hey, I'm still here for you, how are you doing" email.

This is sort of how I feel about Laurel's marriage... I find myself mourning a little for our friendship because things are changing. But I have to remind myself that even though this is a big change in her life, she is not going to change that much, and even though things will be slightly different, we will always be friends.

More Communication Issues

I have been really worked up by all the thoughts in my head. I have had recent doubts of my introvertedness, but as I have taken steps outside to sort of observe the way I function, I really am an introvert. Take tonight for example, Bible Study was cancelled, and although I was a little bummed out, I was able to finish a book I borrowed from the library, and I'm feeling way more relaxed than I have in awhile. It's a good feeling.

However, today wasn't my best day. I woke up feeling grumpy and tired, and then my coworker sent me an irritating e-mail, and I wrote her back. She thought I was being mean, and then when we talked about it verbally she still thought I was being mean. I don't know what else I could have done to make her think that I wasn't being mean... she pushed the issue, when it could have been dropped and then I told her exactly why I was irritated. It was sort of messy, but I'm totally fine with the way things turned out even though she walked away in a huff. I apologized a little later but she only hears what she wants. I don't think she understands why I got irritated, but won't listen to why. Anyway, makes for a good discussion.

Comic-tragedy

The most awkward night ever:

Having a friend of mine yell at me in band practice the other day and it really hurt my feelings. He told me later that he appreciated me being there, and I think we're okay, but it really put a damper on the evening for me. Made me feel rather anti-social later which was a problem because then both the guys who are interested in me showed up last night. They don't know each other, and then another friend of mine said loudly, "so who are you dating?" He had no idea he was standing between the two guys, and I had to pull him aside and yell at him for being indiscrete.

Anyway, it was hard for me to sleep last night, I thought about this the whole night! And I was unable to resolve anything in my mind.

Dating Novella

Dating is so hard. I'm thinking about writing out my stories about dating in the form of a novella.

So here it is, Chronicles of the Chronically Single:

I met a really cool guy about a month ago, and I think he would ask me out except that he's moving in about 5 days. I love spending time with him, and we seem to be very compatible as friends. BUT HE'S MOVING!

Then there's these two other guys that I'm not necessarily interested in. I just don't know what to do in these situations. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm willing to be friends...but if they want more than that, well, I IGNORE THEM!

This is all totally hilarious to me, because I haven't been asked out in the last year or so, and now there's two guys interested, possibly three? If only guy number 1 wasn't moving away...

Dating makes me feel squirmy...like I'm a little kid trying to sit still in church, bored with drawing pictures in the margins of the bulletin with the same dulled golf pencils that never get replaced... trying not to disturb the people around me, but disturbing them anyway because of my restlessness...

There are a few possible reasons for my squirmy-ness:
1. I don't like being the center of attention, and when there's only two of you well... there's not really any way to distract the other person with other people...
2. Even though I have control of the dating situation (ie I am the responder...) dating still makes me feel out of control...when there's another person out there, well, you can't really control them...and uh, that makes me nervous, er, squirmy, even though I like variety in life, I like people to be predictable and the guys who are interested in dating me, well, that's not very predictable at all.
3. I have few close friends, and a lot of people I keep at arms-length. I am very reserved and skeptical, and hard to win over sometimes. My reserve sometimes creates social awkwardness in dating situations and it might be because I feel like I'm a boring person...anyone who is interested in dating me automatically makes me just a little bit skeptical...
4. Of course, I could always blame it all on my parents and their messy divorce, but two of my siblings (out of four of us) are in healthy, committed dating relationships...that's 50%, so I don't know that I can blame the parents...but I could...

Abundantly Poor

It is possible to feel blessed with abundance and incredibly poor at the same time. I have felt so blessed these last few months. I got some great gifts for my birthday, reconciled a relationship with someone I felt I treated poorly, met some new people, and yet, as I paid my bills last night, I couldn't help but start to panic.

I read Matthew 14:14-21 this morning. It is the story of how as Jesus continued to heal the people, more people came, and they had no food. Jesus tells the disciples to give them something to eat, and they tell Him that they only have five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus tells the people to sit down, gives thanks for the food, and provides more than enough for everyone.

God has always provided for me. He never lets me get into the red, no matter how much money I think I have left to spend. This does not mean that I go out and spend all my money, but that I budget and try to make it on what I have. I am so frail. When I panic, its like I'm not putting my faith in God, and he has always taken care of me, another lesson in trusting Him.

Whew!

I think things are finally slowing down a bit for me. Whew! What a crazy couple of weeks! I finally hired and trained my new student worker, I have a normal sized stack of books to process today, and I tested my potential new commute and it only took me 30 minutes to get here, which is only 10 minutes longer than my current commute. That's awesome! So it looks like I might be leaving the community I love, but there is so much potential for a better situation for me.

I am so thankful for all the blessings God has bestowed on my life, and my only complaint is that I'm tired sometimes. But life is good.

Take a breath

Today has been so busy, and I can't believe how the time has flown! I have accomplished a lot this week, and I cannot wait for next week. Not that it will be an extraordinary week, but all the busyness of the past two weeks will be forgotten...I hope.

A friend of mine from church asked me if I would like to move in with her. She is an awesome girl and made me a great offer to live in her house for a great price. There are more positives than negatives about this place, but the negatives are substantial... one of them being the commute I would have to work, the second being the peace of mind and great roommate I currently have.

The positives would be potential for accountability in my Christian walk, significant reduction in rent, the potential to own a dog and move my grand piano down here, be closer to where my friends live and live in the community that I will soon be serving in ministry.

I feel like I have a lot on my plate to think about, and maybe this would be a good change for me.

Authenticity

I think Sunday's music at church was one of the best sets the band has put together in a long time. I don't know what was going on, but the music was awesome! We were all energetic, loose, and really worked well together. It is always more fun when the band rocks!

The sermon really made me think. Ryan challenged me to be a part of his prayer and fasting ministry team, and I was a tad reluctant because I guess I'm scared of committment. Although, if I commit to something, I do it, whatever it is.

So this Sunday, the pastor talked about Isaiah 58:1-12 and what the difference is between authentic faith and inauthentic faith. This particular passage highlights the difference between fasting and praying out of obligation verses sincerity of heart.

This sermon really challenged me to look at my life and the things I really care about. My priorities reveal the true intentions of my heart and if I'm honest with myself, I really don't see myself caring about the things that God cares about. This needs to change. Slowly but surely, I'll get there...only because of the grace of God.

Common Cold

It always amazes me how much a common cold can really wipe me out. I've had this cold for nine days now, and I'm still not feeling very good. I have no energy to do anything. I tried to stay home and fight it for about five days, but it didn't work. I can't wait to go home from work after today because I can just stay home all weekend and try to heal. Plus I have been falling behind at my job because one of my student assistants quit, so now I'm doing all her work and mine and I'm trying to hire a new student. It's going to be a tough decision!