Fear

So I had a discussion last night about fear. I definitely fear failure, and after thinking about it more today, I would have to say that I also fear being incompetent in areas where I feel that I should have competence. Because of my fears, I do not take as many risks as maybe I should. I'm realizing that about myself though, and I'm hoping that I can begin to face them down.

My celebrity crush

I don't have one currently. I only have crushes on actual people, and not that often. I feel like the term "crush" implies some kind of obsession, which is not a very healthy thing to have. I know this was supposed to be a funny sort of question, but I really don't have an answer.

Moving on...

At church on Sunday, I listened to two sermons... one about envy versus jealousy, and one on anxiety. I did not realize that there is a difference between envy and jealousy, but there is. Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is wanting to protect or guard what you think is yours by right.

I realized that much of my current frustrations with my life arise out of envy. I am envious of what others have and as a result, I am not content with my life. I want a better job. I want a new car. I want to be free of debt.

There was a moment last week where I thought to myself, "All my striving is pointless." I realized how surreal life can be when I stop to think about the futility of all my activity.

When I am anxious, the worry shows me that I often care more about these things than about God and his plan for me.

I was convicted. I was reminded to be thankful.

Sunday was a good day. I had a real conversation with a new girl at church. I was paid to play cello at a fun party. I got to go to church in the evening. I have a friend who walked with me late at night when I needed to walk off my anxiety. We had an honest conversation about life. He told me to call if I need to talk this week and I know that he means it.

I had two people tell me last week that they think God is preparing me for something great. I was not ready to listen yet.

But now, the pain I'm feeling from the difficulties I faced last month is fading and I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to move on with my life.

Relational Pursuit

In just the past week, I had two people quote things back at me that I had said to them at one point or another.

Kyle reminded me about a conversation we had about being fully engaged in relationships even when you know you're not going to be around for awhile. If you hold back because you think that it's not worth the short amount of time that you're in a certain place, then you pass up an opportunity to learn from people that God may have put in your life for a reason. I fully believe that sometimes we're friends with certain people for seasons. You remember them with fondness, and they may have taught you something, but you don't necessarily keep in touch. I have many friends like this.

Jenn M. reminded me that we had a conversation about relationships, and how our best friends (whether male or female) put in an equal amount of effort. All my best friends are those that have pursued me as a friend.

Anyway. Kind of cool that they remembered what I said, and it makes me think about how I need to be careful what I say sometimes, because apparently, people take me seriously.

I'm writing late cause it is one of those nights where I have a lot on my mind. I'm tired, but I'm not ready to go to bed. And it is going to KILL me tomorrow.

Communicating with Gen-Next

This morning at church, two of the girls from high-school youth group were there early. I said "hi" then sat down to listen to the band practice before I headed over to our kids' area. One of them texted me and told me she "officially" now has a boyfriend. I texted her back and asked, "Does your mom know?" Then she texted me and told me that her mom thinks that she doesn't know boys even exist. Then I told her she should try to bring him along tomorrow night to group.

The whole time we were texting, we were sitting across the aisle from each other, and could have talked about it. So funny. What a different communication style these kids have.

I sometimes feel like for all that I'm 11 years older than these high schoolers, I'm still just really my 14 year old self trapped in a 30 year old body. I really don't feel like I know all that much more. Maybe more about myself.