New Friend

My energy is so low right now, I cannot bring myself to do ANYTHING.

I just sent an email to the guy I met at the barbecue to thank him for coming to see me play cello at church a few Sundays ago. He said he was going to email me but I beat him to it. He thinks we should hang out with my friends or his after the service next time he comes.

I haven't responded yet.

I'm definitely curious about this guy. I barely know him. And I think I want to be friends. That's where relationships start, right?

I hate awkwardness and hurting people's feelings. Maybe that's why I'm so reserved when it comes to dating. This relationship is nowhere near that point yet, but I can't help but think about it. I sort of talked this over with Tara, and she thinks I should give him a chance. Like I said, we're nowhere near that point. But I gotta say, I like his approach. It wasn't "let's hang out--the two of us," but "let me get to know your friends, or you can get to know mine." What a concept. I do believe you can tell a lot about a person by the friends they keep.

Notes

I so admire people who can blog everyday. I am not one of those people. Obviously. This month has flown by, and there are so many things that I've needed to write about and didn't. Mostly because I think the writing was just going to be time consuming.

I thought the summer would be less busy for me. It isn't. I have more to do, but you know what? I like every activity I'm involved in-- High school youth group at my church (I'm a leader), being a part of a band, and getting active.

I started this crazy diet, and it seems to be working so far. I've lost 5 pounds since I started. But it was so hard to start, and I know it is going to be hard for me to keep it up. I've finally admitted to myself that I'm overweight. I don't look it because I'm tall, but I need to lose about 40 pounds. Perhaps this blog will help me stay honest about that.

I have felt so tired and weary this month, and somewhat disconnected from God. That's hard to admit also because I am a leader at my church. However, I will say this: I have never claimed to be anything I'm not. If people ask me how I'm doing spiritually, and they have the time to listen, then I will be honest and say that I feel far from God right now. I never pray anymore.

I got this letter from my step-brother a few weeks ago. I haven't heard directly from him in at least 5 years. He is in prison as a result of addiction. I know it is so hard to change, which is why I've always been skeptical about his ability to stay sober after prison. I haven't even really acknowledged him as a brother...that relationship has always been broken, for almost as long as I have known him.

I don't know what to say to him. I normally do not struggle in writing letters, but this time I am.

My sister told me last week that she had a dream where I died. Surreal. She said she was in complete shock and sobbing in her sleep. It's nice to know that I matter so much to her.

Going away party

Last night, I went to this going away party for a new friend of mine from the band I play in. I think I'm going to miss her. We do not know each other that well, but she was really good at including me, and I could sense that she is a loving, compassionate, giving person, and that she is also a good listener.

She requested that I bring the cello. There were two guitar players that were also asked to play at this party. So I got to play cello with these guys and it was so awesome. It sounded so good, and it was an energizing experience for me. I was talking to a different guy from church about it after we played and he was smiling, and I started telling him how much I love to play. I honestly could care less about whether or not I have an audience (although it is nice to have one) but that's how much I love to play. I would play every night if I could with a guitar player or band. This guy then said something that made so much sense to me.

He said: You are doing what God made you to do. He gave you a gift and you are using it.
And then when I accused him of laughing at me he said: I'm smiling because it makes me happy to see that you are doing what you were meant to do.

I wish I could have that feeling all the time.

Beach BBQ

One of the best parts of living by the beach is that you can go there at almost any time. My friend Tara invited me to a barbecue that her church was sponsoring, so I agreed to go. Here's the funny part--we did not know who was going to be there, the advertising did not give a name, phone number, or specific location. We knew which beach it was going to be at, but we didn't know exactly where. So we decided to go to the beach, see if we could find the people, and if we couldn't find them, we decided that we would head over to one of my favorite restaurants for happy hour.

We walked almost the entire length of the beach, when I noticed a few barbecue pits down at the very end. So we walked over and started walking away from the water and towards the fire pits. One guy waved us over, and it happened to be the only guy Tara knew. So we found the right group. There weren't that many people, so at first, everyone sort of sat in a circle. It was...awkward. No one was making the effort to talk to anyone else. So I got up and went to get some food and started talking to this girl. Tara soon followed me and we soon had an interesting discussion. The guy who was cooking started talking to us, and pretty soon, he and I were talking. He apparently programs video games and likes music.

So it turned out to be a fun afternoon after all. I invited the guy (from the previous paragraph) to come watch me play at church, and he actually showed up. It made me happy. :)

Worship

I have been feeling sort of anti-spiritual. I haven't wanted to pray, but I continue to do all the things at church that I normally do. I trust too much in myself and my own abilities. I have not let God be a part of my daily life. I have been feeling tired and beat down and weary of living.

I haven't wanted to talk about it, or deal with the state of my heart. However, a friend of mine actually dug deeper and made me feel that I'm not walking this path alone. His concern nudged me slightly in a more positive direction.

Then I got to play with my favorite musicians tonight in a rehearsal for church on Sunday, and it was great. I love how they care about each other and about my well-being and that we feel safe to talk about it. It seemed like everyone was feeling tired tonight. But in spite of my tiredness, I felt cared for. The music put me in a more thankful state of mind.

Roll with the punches...

I was going to try and finish grad school earlier than planned, but then my life got in the way, and I decided to follow my original plan to graduate in December '08. It was kind of a hard decision, and it makes me sad because I am prolonging the amount of time that I will be in school. I know it is for the best though, because I am feeling tired and beat up at the moment. I think trying to take more classes would really impact me negatively.