If I were to write a Christmas letter...

If I were writing a Christmas Letter, this is what it would say:

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I bought a new cello with the help of my family and friends for my birthday last February. It has been such an awesome blessing. This instrument is beautiful and I've started to think about playing a recital sometime in March. It will take a bit of preparation on my part, but I am hoping that I will be able to share my talent with all my supporters and fans. :)

A very personal journey is coming to an end soon (I hope). I started trying to lose some weight about a year and a half ago, and I just recently hit 40 pounds of weight loss. My goal is still about 10 pounds away, but I feel so much better (and hopefully look good too!). It has been a struggle that I do not like to talk about since I know so many people who struggle with this issue. But I am proud of my accomplishment and look forward to being able to steal pants from my sister!

I have built some great relationships with local musicians in town. I'm currently playing with Lessons From Zeke, a local band here in San Diego. I have really enjoyed playing with this talented group of musicians and I'm looking forward to contributing to a few songs on their next album.I have also had the opportunity to try singing and really enjoy it! I sing occasionally with the band at church and this has been a great experience.

I also finished my Master's Degree in Library and Information Sciences from San Jose State University. I'm excited to be done. My life will be drastically different due to the end of my schooling. I'm looking forward to the future and especially having more free time.It has been a great year. I'm looking forward to the next. I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

This has been a really busy week. I'm still trying to finish stuff up before I start driving to LA for a few days. I'm looking forward to a true break, no plans, except to maybe play some cello and pick back up some of the technique I've been losing.

I went Christmas shopping last Friday and bought all my gifts plus all the wrapping in the same two hour period of time. My guy friends were all hangin' out at their house. When they asked if I was coming over, I asked if I could bring my gifts and wrap them there. They were agreeable of course, and one of them asked me excitedly if he could help. I gave him the, "Seriously?" look. He really wanted to help, so I let him (of course) and we got my gifts wrapped in half the time!

He also modeled the gift I got for my sister-in-law. That picture is classic. I will try to remember to post it here after she opens the gift.

I have to admit that I'm very thankful this year. It has been a pretty good year. I feel more free, maybe cause I finished the degree and a little lighter (after losing 40 pounds over the last year and a half) and pretty optimistic about the future.

I never usually look forward to Christmas. It is my least favorite holiday. Usually it has been stressful and not restful due to the number of places I feel obligated to be. This year, I've had a change of heart and I'm looking forward to celebrating with my family and all the traditions it entails.

Presence

The campus where I work is beautiful. It is right on the ocean and the weather is usually awesome. The other day I was walking to the campus post office and saw at least three students sending or receiving text messages while walking. It is crazy to think how attached we all are to our personal electronic devices.

In the Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster, Milo, a boy with no ambition and nothing to do, finds himself in a strange land. In one of the chapters, Milo sees all these people walking quickly to their destinations, only he can't figure out where any of them are going--he sees no buildings, streets or landmarks. No one is talking, no one is looking up, and all the people are just watching their feet. After engaging one of these people, he finds that there is a city, with buildings, streets, and other structures, but the city is invisible. The reason for its invisibility is that the citizens of this city stopped seeing it. They started watching their feet and ignoring each other instead. After a while, the city faded.

The city is invisible because the people stopped looking at it.

One thing I try to practice each day is being present. Paying attention to where I am in the here and now. I try to listen when people talk, look up and smile at people when I am walking, and admire the scenery wherever I am. I just think that if we all tried to practice a little more presence, we might actually connect more concretely as a community.

It seemed to me that the students who were walking and texting weren't really able to enjoy the beautiful weather or the view.

One day they are going to wake up, and find that the ocean has faded away.

Friends

I love my friends. This is a pic of ONOE: One Night Only Ever!
We learned three songs and played one show for our other friends. Unfortunately, one of our members moved away and our band is now disbanded. If you missed our show, you missed out!

Photo Credit: Dan G.

Conversations 14

Two weeks ago, I was playing ultimate frisbee and pulled my calf muscle. I could walk, but I was profoundly limping and was sore for about a week. When the muscle pulled, I felt a popping sensation in my leg. Later, I realized that the muscle popped one of my veins. I had a very nice bruise on my leg as a result. My friend Jason was there when I hurt myself:

Me: Jason! I'm glad you're here! I totally wanted to show you my awesome bruise! (I put my leg up on his chair and pulled back the cuff of my jeans)
Jason: Wow. That's crazy. I don't even want to think about it. Put that thing away!
Me (after a slight pause): What, you don't think its attractive?
Dave: Well, I was about to offer you a ride.
Me: Thanks Dave.
Scott: It's okay Jason. I wouldn't have gotten the hint either.

Last Weekend

I had a great weekend last weekend. I got to spend way more time than usual with people I like. That's what I miss when I'm in school. It started with opera on Thursday night. I had four friends come. I am always so appreciative when people come to my performances.

Then on Friday, I went to the mall for lunch with a bunch of friends. Then I took my cello in to get fixed, and found out that the shop would do it for free because I bought it from them. It had a loose seam which was creating a percussive buzz.

Then I went back to the boys house that night and we played Apples to Apples. I love that game and it was a lot of fun. Hilarity ensued. On Saturday morning, I went to play Ultimate Frisbee, but while I was playing, my calf muscle popped. It hurt a lot! I am still stiff and I noticed yesterday that there is a lot of bruising on the back side of my leg. I was bummed that I couldn't finish the game because it is one of my favorite things to do and it is good exercise. After Frisbee, I went to the movies with my sister and then we went to dinner with the same guys I hung out with on Friday. I have been trying to have my sister meet these friends of mine for some time, and I'm glad that she was finally able to meet them.

Lots of jokes about my gimpy-ness were told. I was definitely hobbling around. I'm still limping a little, and my muscle is really tight. I'm hoping that I'll be able to work around it to do some cardio on Friday.

Musician Face-Off!

Actual conversation with Mikey, the drummer, this morning at church.

Motivation

I got to go out with a few friends from my Bible Study last night. We ditched the study in favor of celebrating the completion of my degree and my friend's birthday.

I was just thinking that it is hard for me to celebrate sometimes. I've never really liked big parties and though I have completed my degree I'm not feeling particularly proud of the accomplishment. I knew that I could finish it, and it was not particularly challenging for me to do so. I'm thankful and relieved to be done mostly because I'll have more time to rest.

But the celebration last night helped put me in a better mindset. It is exciting that I'm finished. I will have more time to do things that I've put aside due to the degree.

I'm learning that I am so undisciplined and it is impacting my ability to stay motivated and succeed. I was trying to think of some ways that I could regain my work ethic. A few ideas included trying to get up a little earlier to pray, or being more disciplined in my journal writing, emphasizing one thing I hope to accomplish each day and one thing I'm thankful for...

I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for this year. An attitude of thankfulness helps restore contentment. I would like to have more joy and I wish my life was a little less boring. I was thinking though that there are some awesome things that have happened this last year and some really painful ones. I was also thinking that I might actually write a life update letter for the holidays.

Probably not, but if I did, my list would include:

• new cello
• joining a band
• losing 30 pounds and continuing to keep it off and lose a little more
  
• finishing my MLIS degree

I think the weight loss is great. That goal has been really hard to keep. When I first started, I knew I needed to make a change. That commitment is one of the toughest things I've had to make. I would still like to lose at least ten pounds.

When I went in to get my driver's license picture retaken, I had to change my weight. I do not remember what it said, but I decided to put down 180. I weighed 190 at the time and had already lost about 20 pounds. My goal is 170. I weigh 184 right now. That's about what I weighed my senior year of college. I'm finally back in the gym, and I'm totally feeling better about myself. I have more energy (which is kind of to my detriment since it is hard for me to sit down and focus for extended periods of time).

I had been on a LONG plateau... just maintaining my current weight and not losing any, but I started trying to monitor my sugar intake again. This totally works. I have a little bit during the day usually, but I don't crave sweet things as much, or if I do, I usually want something that is sweet but not super sweet. But I lost a couple pounds in the last two weeks so I'm hopeful again. I'm ready to try getting back in the gym more frequently or maybe the pool. This is definitely a different attitude than the one I had even three months ago.

The only bummer is that I'll probably have to pay again for major dress tailoring for my sister's wedding next June. Oh well. I'd rather be healthy and pay a monetary penalty than the penalty in life.

Week in Review

It has been a long week. I just finished my Master's Degree in Library and Information Science. It has been three years coming. I am feeling good about being done, but discouraged about the job market. A few weeks ago, I had a librarian email me to see when they could set up a conference call with me. I followed up yesterday, and turns out that they have many more qualified applicants. I was also chatting with one of the admin assistants where I work. They have two open faculty positions in their department and had over 100 applicants. The job market in higher education is kind of discouraging.

I feel that I'm such an average candidate. There are so many people out there who have way more experience. I am afraid that I will succomb to just taking a job because I cannot get a job that I would really love.

I am also playing in an opera this week. I have never been more disciplined with my time than I was last week. I had so many things I wanted to do last week, and still had to find time to finish my Master's project. I had to set goals every morning and stayed up late almost every night of the week last week in order to get things done. I wanted to have some time last weekend to spend with my friends.

So in addition to playing the opera on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I also played ultimate frisbee on Saturday morning and went to a party on Saturday afternoon. I had a lot of fun and I'm really glad I went. I totally took a short nap before heading over.

This was the party wherein my "band" ONOE (One Night Only Ever!) played its one and only show. We had practiced four songs together. We only had one rehearsal and then we played for our friends. At the party, we played three of the four songs. I'm still waiting to see pictures from the party. I'm sure they are pretty funny. I also debuted a song I wrote two years ago called Simple Autumn and the response was positive. It is a song about change. One of the audience members noted that it could have been Barack Obama's theme song.

I feel really tired right now and kind of overwhelmed by the process ahead of me--facing the future. This should be exciting, but I'm feeling rather pessimistic at the moment. I am looking forward to a good break from school, spending more time with friends and family as well as playing our last showing of the opera on Thursday. I have a few friends coming and I'm hoping that we'll play well. I'm expecting that this show will come close to selling out.

Banding together

I have a group of guy friends who all live in a house close to where I live. They LOVE games. All kinds. Computer, video, board games, and card games. They enjoy playing rock band, which is what they play when people come over. Two of the guys liked the game so much that they decided to learn how to play actual instruments. One of them got a bass guitar and some lessons, and the other acquired a drum set.

We have been talking about having me come over to play guitar and jam with them, so on Friday night, it actually happened! I brought over my guitar and we set things up in the garage! I taught the bass player how to play Run-around by Blues Traveler and a song called Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin. It was fun to teach someone how to play a song. Meanwhile, all the other guys at the house got curious and stopped in to watch and listen to what was going on. We even had a "roadie" who set up a computer for me and found lyrics for Run-around! It was awesome.

I'm going to a party this weekend and the invite said that there would be a live band. I'm thinking, "That's great! I wonder who the band is?"

After talking to the host on Friday night, I was informed that I was the band! Apparently, the drummer is so excited about playing that he volunteered us to play without really talking to me first, which is funny considering I'm the guitarist and singer. I'm not sure that we'll be able to play more than the two songs I taught the bass player, but I'll definitely bring the guitar and we'll all jam. It might not be a true "performance" but more hanging out and playing music.

I have realized lately that although music is something I'm passionate about, not many of my close friends are musicians. I spend a lot of time playing music... at least four hours a week, if not more than that. So it is fun to have a set of friends that is interested in jamming for fun! I might be encouraged to write more songs.

The only bummer is that the bass player is moving next week. Anyone else want to jump in?

Instruments

I changed out the strings on my electric guitar today. The guitar does not actually belong to me, but has been in my possession for awhile. I'm not sure that my friend is ever going to ask for it back!

What I realized is that instruments are very sensitive to change. It takes time for the strings to settle in. Until they do, I constantly have to re-tune the instrument. The strings need time to stretch out and regulate to the appropriate tension on the instrument.

For my cello, any little change in the humidity or temperature really affects the instrument. When it is dry, my tuning pegs tend to dry out a little, contract, and then I find loose strings on my instrument. Cellos are slightly more difficult to tune than guitars.

Once a stringed instrument is re-tuned in these circumstances, it may not necessarily hold the pitch and the musician must constantly pay attention to readjust the tones so that they are the right ones.

I find a metaphor lurking in this post about people, change, and habits. Habits will only change if we notice them and constantly adjust. It is our nature to just settle back in to where we were before, even when we KNOW it causes dissonance in our lives. I personally am finding myself more resistant to change than I thought I was. I find it is quite the challenge to embrace change rather than resist.

Collaboration

A new friend of mine came over on Saturday and we jammed a bit. He plays guitar. I met him through the Psalms project. We are a part of a group that is studying Psalm 91 with the goal of creating art together for the community.

I've been trying to pinpoint an idea for weeks now, and I've been trying to write things down. My friend is a fantastic guitar player. He asked my how my project was going and I asked him how his was going and we just started collaborating. He started just playing some basic progressions on guitar and I came up with lyrics and a melody line. I like it so far. The words are almost word for word from the Psalm. We have our first verse solidified:

He who dwells in the shelter
of the Most High
Will find rest in the shadow
of the Almighty
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge,
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge,
my fortress,
My God in whom I trust
--------------------
I'm still working through the second verse, but it will be something like this:

Surely he will save you
from your enemies
With his wings he'll protect you
And you will rest
His faithfulness will be your shield
His faithfulness will be your shield
Your rampart
A protection you can trust

The Music in Me

Concentrating
But not thinking
My fingers move of their own volition
My body tenses
My mind is free
The physicality of memory moves me
Outside myself, but inside
the music encompasses me

Reflections on my younger self

When I was young, I was:
an adventurer, a trail blazer,
an obstacle course builder and conqueror
a high swinger, a wave jumper, a wind runner

I was an artist, a sculptor
a creator, story-teller and performer
a composer, a believer, a dreamer

I wanted to be found.
I wanted to be a friend.
I wanted to be alive.

Relationships

I had conversations with three different women at church today just about life, relationships, and my single state... I thought it was interesting. One of them told me that I really should be open minded. One of them told me that she wished she had been more picky and careful and that I should really just take my time about making decisions about relationships.

These two statements sound contradictory, but I think they sort of go together. I need to be open minded and give people a chance, but not settle for something less than what I know I need in a significant other.

I just figure that I have been patient and picky for a long time. That's not really going to change.

Friends

I have realized that when it comes to friendship, I'm sort of like a cat. Somewhat independent, I come and go as I please, get a attached to people but I don't fret when things change. I guess I see change as sort of an inevitable thing.

I am blessed to be able to say that I do still have friends from long ago, and I love the fact that I'm now able to keep in touch with them through technology.

I'm still in touch with Sonja, whom I've known since Kindergarten, Kim and Anne, who used to live down the street from me... their mom is like my second mom...

And then I was reflecting about my college friends, and who I spent the most time with--Laurel, Ryan, Jenn, and Kristi. I do not talk to anyone all that much anymore, except for Laurel, but I just chatted with Kristi today online. I realized today that we spent a lot of time together senior year. I do not remember why. But we had a lot of fun together. Kristi got married pretty quick after college, and now has two really cute kids. I hope I get to meet them someday.

I'm really not so great at keeping in touch with people, but I think I am going to resolve to try a little harder.

Celebrate!

I *think* I am 50% done with a draft of my portfolio. Only 50% more to go!

Only I have a headache right now! And that sucks.

Psalms Project

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."

Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling--
even the Lord, who is my refuge--
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

I am studying this Psalm with a group of artists from my church with the goal of creating something creative or artistic as a result of our study and meditation. I have not decided what to create yet, but I have a feeling my project will have something to do with words.

A Reflection on Psalm 91

When I read this Psalm, I actually feel like I'm sinking deep within my soul to a place of rest. I feel more centered or balanced and gain a confidence perspective of my life and the activity and people in it. Too often I flit from thing to thing, from person to person and my activity keeps me from exploring the deepness of solitude. I'm pretty good at being independent, doing things on my own, finding moments of solitude, but I do not often rest in it.

Resting in this place shows me my need for God, that I should depend on Him.

Gettin' things done -- or not

I have been sitting at the reference desk all day and avoiding my portfolio like the plague! I am going to stop procrastinating right now!

I caved...

And bought some Halloween candy. I know. It's not even October yet.

I love fall

Testing my hand at sketching. I am thinking about turning this into stationary of some kind. I wanted to add an orange stripe, but I do not have an orange pen. If the leaf looks orange, it is because I colored it using red, yellow, and brown.

What I really want...

I have had to really think about what my next steps in life will be and I feel overwhelmed by the process. I was recently asked to think about what value I find in retreating to this place of anxiety and stress. The answer I came up with is that I do not want to do whatever it is I am supposed to do. For example, I have to do my portfolio in the next two months. I do not want to do this project at all. I feel anxious about it and tend to avoid the project.

There will always be things that I must do that I do not want to do, even if it is something I like. A good example of this is practicing my cello. I do not often "feel like" practicing. But when I do, I find myself completely focused on something beyond whatever is going on in my life, and that is a healthy place for me to be.

I realized that even though I do not want to do my portfolio, I have to. I chose to do this degree and I am choosing to finish it. When I take a step back and look at what I really want, the degree becomes a small part of a bigger picture. With that in mind, I can be more relaxed about getting it done.

Hatch

History

When I was in junior high, I went to summer camp. Every morning, we got to pick some kind of skill to learn from one of the counselors. One morning, I picked juggling. We practiced throwing and catching first one ball, then two. I practiced that motion for years before I realized how to add in the third ball. So yes. I know how to juggle.

A different morning, I picked cartooning. It was so fun! It was just a basic session on how to alter things like hair, eyes, ears, noses, mouths, eyebrows... everyone had their own style too. I created this character there who was supposed to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. He was really tall and thin, had a long narrow face with tall, narrow, curly hair. He also had a mustache. Ever since, I have had sort of this latent fascination with comics. Since that conversation that I had with my physicist friend (about the vortex), I have been trying to think of other ideas for comics. It is definitely challenging.

What I'm finding is that the sketching is a great stress reliever. When I sketch, I am solely focused on the story I'm trying to tell, or the idea I'm trying to express. Plus I'm not very good at drawing. I'm not sure that I'll be able to come up with ideas consistently, but I'm gonna try to post more comics here when I think of them. Today, I drew a strip and a self-portrait. Since I don't have a scanner, they'll have to wait until I take them to get scanned somewhere. I'm having fun.

Step away from the physicist...

Actual conversation. I DO actually know what a vortex is. I just said the wrong thing.

Self-Evaluation Exercise

I recently was asked to ask ten people the following question: What shows up when I show up? What do I bring into a room?

The first three responses I had to get in the span of about ten minutes. The rest I've been gathering along the way. I pulled out the most common qualities mentioned by my friends and family:

• conversation (5)
• friendliness (3)
• calmness (2)
• comfort (2)
• deepness (2)
• home (2)
• humor (2)
• including (2)
• intelligence (2)
• peace (2)
• put others at ease (2)
• realness (2)
• safety (2)
• welcoming (2)

I actually have to figure out one more person to call.

Anxiety Dream

I dreamed last night that I got asked to babysit a small child, less than a year old. So I was watching him and it was good, but for some reason I just left. It was like I forgot I was babysitting. When I returned, the mom and her friend were (understandably) upset.

That was the basic plot. Other elements of this dream included a weird house. It was sort of like a mansion but there were all these apartment type suites inside. And when I went back to find the kid, I could not find him because the house was so big.

After I "forgot" about the kid, I left the house. Once I remembered, I had to walk up this giant hill. The whole time I'm in this dream, I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open.

I tried looking up what some of these items mean and they do sort of line up with how I'm feeling about life right now.

Babysitting = responsibility
House = life
Tiredness = physical exhaustion, boredom, monotony, or tiredness of life or a particular situation

Fear

So I had a discussion last night about fear. I definitely fear failure, and after thinking about it more today, I would have to say that I also fear being incompetent in areas where I feel that I should have competence. Because of my fears, I do not take as many risks as maybe I should. I'm realizing that about myself though, and I'm hoping that I can begin to face them down.

An update

I just finished my LAST "real" research paper. I may have to write a little more for my portfolio/thesis, but that will not be nearly as difficult. I'm starting to think a lot about the transitions in the next couple of months. I'm a little scared. I am looking forward to them, but change is always a bit frightening.

I am playing cello tomorrow night with a band that is new to me. I'm only playing two songs, but the experience so far has been really fun and positive. I'm having fun. If my job search ends with a job in San Diego, then I'll probably commit more fully to this band. They're good and I feel like their lead guy is respectful and talented. My life these days revolves around music and school.

Last week, I had to finish that research paper and this week I have two rehearsals and a performance. I've been singing at church on Sunday nights and it rocks! Plus they pay me, so technically, that makes me a professional singer! This cracks me up. I would do it for free, because I have such a good time doing it, but it is also really affirming to be paid to do music. There's no better feeling in the world than to get paid for something you love. So I'm having a good time.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Walking in SD

So I really like to walk a lot! One of my favorite places to go in San Diego is at Mission Bay. There's lots of parking and the path has mile markers to tell me how far I've gone.

Three stories for ya about walking at Mission Bay:

1. I was walking near the hotel part of the Bay and walked past a crow. I have always been fascinated by crows. Many of my favorite authors write about crows-- about their intelligence, sense of humor, and tendency for hiding shiny objects. Well, as I was walking, I watched this crow fly down and pick up this monstorous chocolate chip cookie. The crow had the whole thing. This really made me laugh.
2. One day, while walking past one of the bathrooms, I happened to look inside a vending machine. In the dispenser, there was a pigeon. Nesting. What I was thinking: Smart bird. It was out of the wind and defensible to all predators except for humans.
   
3. The last time I went to the beach, I saw a girl sort of running backwards near me. All of a sudden, I heard her yell, WATCH OUT! YOU'RE GONNA HIT THAT GIRL! I turned and looked, and sure enough, her husband or boyfriend had thrown a long spiral pass with a nerf football, and it was flying straight at me. So I reached up and knocked it out of the air. I bobbled it a little but caught it in the end. They were both impressed with my catching skills.

I love walking.

My brother's dream

My brother just called me to tell me this dream he had. It fired him up. Basically, it was about me getting picked on. He got really upset and tried to protect me.

The weird thing was that the situation was very accurate and had elements of truth. He said it was really vivid and that he thought it had actually happened. The reason why is because it really did border on reality. This situation was not very far from certain experiences and situations that I've had. I had no idea that he even noticed when these situations occur.

I thanked him for standing up for me and protecting me in his dream. He laughed.

The situation he dreamed about could actually happen in real life. And in all seriousness, if this actually happens in real life, I know that he really would stand up for me and protect me.

A new band?

I've been playing music with this guy over the last month or so. I've really enjoyed getting to know him and playing with him this summer. He is so endearing. He is really worried that I don't like it or that I'm just going to up and quit on him. This is because I haven't fully committed. I can't.

He is a big dreamer and I think he has talent. He is definitely investing in his music. I think I'm walking into this situation with a little more aloofness and skepticism than I did the last time. I also think that this guy I've been playing with is more sensitive to emotion than a lot of guys I know. He is probably sensing a bit of my aloofness. I'm also a very different kind of girl and I think he may also be having difficulty reading me. These two things alone I think would be worrisome.

He wants me to play a show in the middle of August. That's what we've been working toward. I have one song down for sure and one that's almost ready.

Inside Family Joke

When my sister was five or so, my parents gave her a scooter. Her reaction upon seeing the scooter was excitement, but the first thing she said was, "no pom-poms!" We have her reaction on a family video and "No pom-poms!" has become a recurring family phrase.

She recently got engaged and will be getting married next year to a great guy. So I made her this cartoon and gave it to her as a card. This is a rendering of *almost* the same drawing on a post-it:

Simple Autumn: Visualization

Here's a pretty cool visualization of a song I wrote. I used wordle.

Portfolio

I've started to think about my final portfolio and what platform I want to use to publish it, whether that be the repository my school owns or some other kind of software. So I've been playing around with various platforms, and I was very excited to discover that Wordpress will allow me to basically create a free website that does what I need it to do. If I pay a little extra, I could upload mp3 and movie files (for screencasts).

This is awesome. You can look at my other site here. My portfolio is currently password protected, mostly because I don't really have anything up yet. All the pages are blank.

I have a friend who is a graphic designer, and I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to create a logo and/or banner for my site. Sweet!

Affirmation

I got to sing at my favorite church service on Sunday. I cannot express how affirming it is to just be up there and be a part of the music. I really enjoyed it--the band was rockin'!!! We all got some great compliments from the congregation. It really helped me start the week with a great attitude.

Job Update

I found out last week that the job in Mississippi is now unavailable. The person who had the job decided to stay. So I will probably not be moving to Mississippi anytime soon.

However. I did just get an interview for a library here in San Diego. I'm nervous. This feels too soon and I'm not sure that it is exactly the kind of position I want. I do not fully trust my decision making skills.

I gotta say though, one interview out of four applications is a decent response rate. That means my cover letter and resume were strong enough and that I'm applying for the right kinds of positions.

More job hunting

At my conference last week, I was asked to be on a panel after the opening keynote speaker. It was a great opportunity to let people know that I was graduating with my MLIS in December...check that... finishing my coursework in December (I'll be graduating in May). As a result, I had one or two people introduce themselves and ask me if I would be interested in applying at their institutions. One of them was a catalog position, and I don't think I would be very good at that.

As a result of being on this panel, I also made friends with a library director who was on the panel with me. We really hit it off, and after the conference was over, she sent me an email to let me know that her circulation librarian had just quit and wanted to see if I would be interested in applying for it. I told her to send me the job description. The college sounds really neat. It is in Mississippi. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

I currently have three applications out there. Two are for libraries in San Diego, and one is at a library in Idaho. I was looking at another job in Texas today, where I also think I would do well, and that position starts on September 1, but is negotiable...

In my mind, I'm applying for a bunch of different positions, and I am not really expecting that I will get any of these first ones that I apply for. The last time I went through the job hunting and application process, I felt like it took a month or two for me to really hone my application skills and write killer cover letters. So if I did happen to get a "bite" on one of my applications, and someone wanted to hire me, I feel like things would happen much more quickly than I expected them to.

I really want to see the job description for the job in Mississippi. I think I would have a good shot at getting that one because I already know the director. I definitely need wisdom on this decision because that would be a big change!

Music

At the last show I did with my former band, I met a guy who was vitally interested in talking with me about playing cello for him. He emailed me last week and we met up after work yesterday to just talk about music. It was really good and somewhat affirming.

Hard Drive

I was trying to do some laundry on Saturday and as I went to pick up my laundry basket from beside my bed, I tweaked my back and managed to pull my computer off of my desk. So I literally crashed my hard drive.

It was pretty upsetting and the first thing I did was call my computer geek friend to see what could be done. The answer was, "nothing, I think you're gonna have to take it in."

I took it to Best Buy, where they told me that my data was irretrievable. But then I went to a barbecue, where there were a bunch of computer geeks. One of them thought he might be able to retrieve my data. So I picked up my hard drive from Best Buy and gave it over. I still haven't heard the results.

The good news is that there is now a new hard drive in my computer and it was covered under my extended warranty, so I don't have to pay anything. The bad news is that I can't get it back until I return the original hard drive.

In other good news, I found the data for my Master's degree that I thought I had lost on one of my flash drives. I didn't think I had backed-up my classwork, but I did. I'm relieved. Still sad about all the other stuff, like journal entries, pictures, and my music. So it would be fantastic if I could get my data back, but because I have the most important stuff on my flash, I'm better off than I thought I was.

My celebrity crush

I don't have one currently. I only have crushes on actual people, and not that often. I feel like the term "crush" implies some kind of obsession, which is not a very healthy thing to have. I know this was supposed to be a funny sort of question, but I really don't have an answer.

Moving on...

At church on Sunday, I listened to two sermons... one about envy versus jealousy, and one on anxiety. I did not realize that there is a difference between envy and jealousy, but there is. Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is wanting to protect or guard what you think is yours by right.

I realized that much of my current frustrations with my life arise out of envy. I am envious of what others have and as a result, I am not content with my life. I want a better job. I want a new car. I want to be free of debt.

There was a moment last week where I thought to myself, "All my striving is pointless." I realized how surreal life can be when I stop to think about the futility of all my activity.

When I am anxious, the worry shows me that I often care more about these things than about God and his plan for me.

I was convicted. I was reminded to be thankful.

Sunday was a good day. I had a real conversation with a new girl at church. I was paid to play cello at a fun party. I got to go to church in the evening. I have a friend who walked with me late at night when I needed to walk off my anxiety. We had an honest conversation about life. He told me to call if I need to talk this week and I know that he means it.

I had two people tell me last week that they think God is preparing me for something great. I was not ready to listen yet.

But now, the pain I'm feeling from the difficulties I faced last month is fading and I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to move on with my life.

Miscommunication

I'm having a rough week. After getting dropped by my band, I get a call from my dad who is upset because he didn't know I was going to New York for my cousin's wedding. After talking it over with everyone, I figured out that there were a lot of assumptions being made by everyone involved. Frankly, it just slipped my mind to let my parents know that I would be there. I'm really frustrated with everything in my life right now.

I want to make music so badly, and I'm feeling adrift. I have nowhere to play. I keep working to promote my instrument and then subsequently work myself out of positions. I started playing cello at this rad church last summer, but because of my schedule during the year, I had to drop that band. They liked the cello so much that they hired a full-time cellist. So I won't get to play with them this summer. Ironic.

I'm playing at a talent show this weekend. I'm playing the Prelude from Bach Unaccompanied Cello Suite #2. Bach wrote six suites for the cello, and every cellist learns them. Each suite has six movements, so there are 36 movements total.

I've always said that good cellists are always slightly depressed. I was debating between the Prelude from Suite 2, and a Gigue, which is a dance, and by nature is happier and a little more showy. I decided to play the Prelude instead because I have never performed it-- will probably never again have the opportunity to perform it because it is a sad piece. However, I think it is my favorite Prelude.

I should be able to play it well as it reflects my current state of mind at the moment.

Job Searching

I have been looking around to see what kinds of jobs are out there. Because I forgot to fill out some paperwork, my degree will not post for a year from now. I'm frustrated. This may impact my ability to get a job.

I applied for one job already (and got a nice rejection notice) and I should be applying for more but I think I am afraid of the change. I never thought of myself as that person, but I am really not looking forward to this particular transition.

Everyone tells me that I have great skills and experience, but I am still really worried about finding something new. I think my biggest fear is taking the wrong job, or worse, getting the right one and utterly failing at it. This is so weird because I'm normally pretty confident, but I think the idea of a change is shaking my confidence a little.

I struggle with motivation in my current position, but that has to do more with the fact that I'm not challenged in my job. Yet I am worried that I will fail at a job that challenges me. I know this is dumb because I always get things done, rise to the occasion, and all that.

The paradox is that I need the change, yet I am reluctant to face it. I am in the process of mentally preparing to face it. And I'll get to the acceptance phase probably sometime soon.

Weekend Blah

I've got the Monday blues. I'm not feelin' that great and I'm really tired which also means that I'm unmotivated. I think I used up all my motivation on Saturday, wherein I had a 3 hour orchestra rehearsal, a barbeque (which was fun!), then I went walking (because it was 90 degrees in SD on Saturday), went to the grocery store, made a mass amount of cookies which took me 3 hours, wrote a quick paper and then finally, went to bed. I was really tired. I actually had to make myself a to-do list on Saturday.

On Sunday, I got a late start. By the time I was ready to go, it was after 10am. So instead of going to my church, I visited the one on the corner. I got to meet some of my neighbors. There were hardly any young people there. I was talking with a friend about it, and we were wondering what makes a church or any organization thrive. We both agreed that it takes a core group of people spending time together and who are inviting others to be a part of it.

Hawkeyes for a night

Last week at band rehearsal:
Nate: So my parents are coming to town next week. They're really excited to meet you guys. They bought you all presents.
Me: Really? What did they get us?
Nate: I can't tell you. But its a sweet gift!

Last night at the show, we all met Nate's parents. They are from Iowa. They had presents for us--Iowa Hawkeye shirts. Mine was hot pink! We all wore our shirts from the show. I wish I had brought my camera last night!

I need some encouragement

I just realized that I missed the deadline for declaring my candidacy to graduate. I'm now getting the runaround from advisor types about whether or not I get to graduate in December. If my candidacy is not accepted, then my degree will not post until May 2009. I'm not optimistic.

Homework

I was kinda bored all weekend. Weird, with what all I have to do. On Friday, I hiked to Costco for some ice-cream. That's right. Hiked. That hill is wicked steep! I also practiced my cello quite a bit.

On Saturday, I went for a walk in the morning, had a meeting, and then just played around on the computer. I finally got around to actually getting some homework done. I finished this week's project, and let me say, I'm glad I got it done on Saturday, and that I didn't procrastinate. It took me about 6 hours! Plus I still have a group project to work on. I am really looking forward to the month of May, wherein I will get some time off from school.

Podcast and Encouragement

We had to experiment with podcasting for my class this week on social software and libraries. A podcast is actually an audio series (sort of like a radio show) that listeners can subscribe to using RSS feeds. However, most people will just download the single audio files of what they want to listen to, and don't actually subscribe to the series. So what I did for my class was create an audio file. I wouldn't really call it a podcast because it isn't part of a series...yet.

So for this experiment in audio, I decided to tell the story of the original Norman Rockwell painting that our library owns. It was actually stolen and returned in 1987. My "broadcast" got a great review from my professor and classmates, so I decided to send it to my boss. He LOVED it. That was really encouraging to hear, and he's thinks it could be fun to do a series.

Stories from the Studio

I recently met this guy after one of my band's shows. Let's just say he's a friend of a friend of a friend. We talked for an hour about fun, intellectual things. Turns out we have a lot in common, and I have been hoping that he would make an appearance at a show in the future. He has not yet made an appearance at any of the other shows we've played.

At the studio on Friday, I was talking with Nate's aunt. She had noticed that I was talking with this guy, and turns out he's good friends with her son. She was thinking that we (her son's friend and I) were getting along really well. She's throwing a barbeque in a few weeks and she's going to try and get her son's friend there. Awesome! Look at me, doing the whole social networking thing!

Community in YouTube paper

I just got my grade back on the paper I wrote on community formation in YouTube. My prof really liked it and thought I should try to publish it! That's awesome! I think it would need a bit of editing, some sections could be expanded a little, and there are still some long sentences that I could cut down. I don't know where a paper like this would fit in. I emailed the prof back to ask if she had any ideas about which publications would accept a paper like this. It isn't really a paper that has anything to do with library science.

Community and Craigslist

I just wrote a paper about community formation in YouTube, but I was thinking that perhaps I should have written about Craigslist. Here's the deal, I have a lot of personal examples about how Craigslist has influenced personal relationships. Here's a sampling:

Rob: Responded to a job advertisement posted by the pastor at church. I sat in on his interview and we hired him. Rob and I are now friends and we have been trying to create a faith-based community of high school kids.

Nate: Posted an ad for a cellist. I responded, met Nate, and now we're recording an album together. Not only are we recording, but we hang out. I've met a lot of his family and their friends. Talk about community formation. Music really does bring people together.

My Student Worker: Posted a missed connection. Found her guy because one of his coworkers saw the ad. These two found each other and dated for about 6 months.

F and Jane: You can read about them here.

I am absolutely fascinated by how many of my personal relationships (and community) have been influenced by the use of Craigslist.

A Note

Group project: DONE!

I'm a little sleep deprived and I forgot to set my alarm this morning. I was over an hour late to work. I'm glad that my supervisors allow me to be somewhat flexible in my schedule.

Weekly moment of comedy

My life yesterday resembled a sitcom yesterday and here's why. A guy friend of mine first sends me an instant message (names have been changed):

this is random... you know jane smith? musician?

54 minutes

12:29 PM me: yes.

12:30 PM we have played together many times.

12:33 PM F: cool

12:34 PM me: where'd you meet her?

F: long story

is she cool?

me: totally.

F: hip?

me: why?

F: smart?

cute?

me: check, check, and check.

why are you asking about cuteness...

do you like her?

12:35 PM I think she's cute, but I'm a girl.

F: well, technically i've never met her

gross

jk

me:you know what I mean.

I just rolled my eyes.

F: nice

me: we're friends...

F: crazy

12:37 PM small world

me:I'm now very curious.

12:38 PM F: just a random connection

me: friend of a friend?

F: yeah

me: did they date?

or something?

F: um, i don't know

more like friend of a friend of a friend

12:39 PM me: ah. 3rd degree connection.

or 2nd if you use me as one. :)

I see her a lot.

we talk occasionally.

she's a good musician.

12:40 PM I'll prob. be seeing her tonight at rehearsal.

F: crzy

don't say anything, that would just be random. she doesn't know who i am

but i thought i would just ask

me: yeah I won't.

12:41 PM F: ask who she is

nice, thanks for the randomness

12:42 PM me: yeah. no prob.

I enjoyed it immensely

That same evening, I run into Jane....

J: Robyn, I HAVE to talk to you. Do you have a minute?
R: Yeah what's up?
J: Okay. So my friend R met her boyfriend on Craigslist and she convinced me to post an ad and give it a try. I was getting all these responses and they were all mostly from guys named "snake." But there was one guy who seemed really cool. I stalked him online and saw that you were friends and I didn't know if you were just online friends or actual friends.
R: That is so funny.
J: So do you know him?
R: Yeah, we're friends.
J: Is he nice?
R: He's really nice, loves God, loves people...
J: Really? So you think I should meet him?
R: I think he is a friend worth having.
J: Okay, I don't know what I am going to do. Don't tell him I talked to you, okay?
R: That's cool.
J: Do you think I should tell him I know you?
R: That's up to you. If you don't want me to say anything, then I won't.

This is so amusing. So they both know that I know both of them, but they do not know that they have both talked to me. I also know that they have seen each other before, last year at a wedding I played in. They were both present. They might have even been briefly introduced. I am so amused.

At least I can vouch for each of their characters. That is good. I'm trying to convince Jane to hang out with me at some kind of social function where the guy would be present. That would truly make it a sitcom situation.

Researching the YouTube Community

I have to write this paper for a class I'm in about how online communities form. I decided to take a look at YouTube.

I think it is an interesting question, How DO online communities form? For example, I'm (obviously) a blogger. However, I do not really have a very large readership (that I'm aware of). I don't really interact with other people in blogger, and all I do is write. I don't comment on other people's posts, I haven't even really met anyone online so to speak. So what is my role in the community? Or am I even a part of one?

I do use both MySpace and Facebook frequently, and usually what happens there is that I'll meet someone in person and then either they will add me to their friends or I will add them. There's only one situation where I actually added someone I didn't really know... he is still on my friends list, but I wouldn't say we're REALLY friends.

However, I do believe in the power of social software... that's how I met Nathan, my bandmate. He had posted an ad on Craigslist, and I responded. We will be in the studio next month.

It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly that all happened, and I NEVER would have met Nate had it not been for Craigslist.

That's just one example of how the Internet brings people together in unexpected ways.

Studio

Yeah! I'm gonna be recording with Nate and the band next week! I'm so excited! We're going to record "Lifeguard" I think, which isn't really a song that will prominently feature cello. However, Nate just needs to get a song out there and test the waters. We're recording at StudioWest here in SD. So awesome.

Chronicles of the band

I don't know why I'm so self conscious, but it took me awhile to decide which casual but "rockin'" shirt I was going to wear to my band's first gig. Nate always wears a T-shirt, apparently (from other photos) his favorite is a black T-shirt that says, "black velvet" on it. So I can't dress up too much cause it looks disproportional compared to what all the guys are wearing. So I just wore my ringer tee. We had fun setting up and hanging out. Kyle disappeared for awhile and while he was gone, Nate reiterated how nice he is:

Nate: "Yeah, when Emily first met Kyle, she thought he was the nicest guy ever."
Eric (the drummer): "Yeah, he's a good guy."
Nate: "Kyle's the kind of guy that if he ever got beat up as a kid wouldn't do anything about it; would just be mellow, like 'I'm cool,' and then you'd get all mad at the person who beat him up and try to take him down!"

I thought that was a fun and creative take on Kyle. He really wouldn't be mean to anyone on purpose.

Nate, for whatever reason, is very quotable:

Nate on Eric's drumming: For the second time through, I'm not even remotely mad!
Nate on the band at rehearsal: All three of you are phenomenal! (to me and Kyle) I love you both! (to Eric) I only just met you today, I didn't think you'd be ready for me to drop the L-bomb on you yet.

Me to Nate: So I was wondering what the schedule looks like for March, cause I'm going out of town.
Nate: Well, we have a show on the 26th. But whatever, if you can't do it that's fine. (Pause). But I would be pretty much devastated if you couldn't do it.
Me: Really?
Nate: Well yeah, I'm just so tired of doing shows on my own.

Kristin acted as our paparazzi that night. At the end of the night:
K: So, as your paparazzi, I gotta tell you, you look depressed in every single picture I took of you.
R: Really? Yeah, I guess I am pretty serious when I play.
K: No, really, you SERIOUSLY look depressed or mad.
R: Well, I have to concentrate really hard on what I'm playing. I don't pay attention to my face...I guess I can work on it...
K: Um, yeah. Okay, just don't be mad that you look sad in all the pictures.
R: I won't.
K: No, really.
R: I promise.
K: Okay.

For a first show, not bad. There were a few mistakes, and I felt shaky on two songs, so I definitely have room to improve.

It was fun to have a lot of supporters there, and gratifying to know that we do actually sound good. I think the people were impressed!

I'm always filled with some self-doubt about these sorts of things because I always have this impending sense that I'm not as good as I thought. This does keep me humble to a certain extent, and makes me want to perform better the next time.

Michael B. after hearing that I was in a band commented on how a band really does bring people together. It's a great opportunity for me to get all my friends and acquaintances together at the same time for the same reason, to enjoy the music. I've worked hard to be able to play as well as I do, so it is great to know that there are so many people out there that support me.

I'm really looking forward to watching it all unfold.

Procrastination

I really procrastinated on a paper that was due last night. I was trying to think about why. The reason is not because I find the assignment difficult or challenging, but because I was not interested in writing on this particular topic. It was a too broad in my opinion, and I did not feel like I had enough resources to write this paper. This is ironic considering I am studying to be a librarian, and though I am familiar enough with how to find the information I need, this particular topic was SO broad that I had trouble pinpointing one or two key ideas on which to base my paper.

Reasons I procrastinate include:

1. Topic is too broad and I have trouble narrowing it down.
2. Not have enough information to make convincing arguments.
3. No interest in the subject I'm writing about.
4. Not understanding the contextual value of assignments-- if an assignment seems like busywork, then I'll just avoid doing it.
   

Some of these reasons do correspond to an article I read about why students procrastinate. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated in this particular class, but it borders on resistance. I am not an "engaged student" in this class.

However, the paper is now finished, and I can move on. I will gladly receive the "C" I deserve and continue on to enjoy the weekend.

Birthday Cake Tip

If there is powdered sugar on your birthday cake, you might want to reconsider using candles at the same time. I'm just sayin...

NEW CELLO!!!

Thanks to all my family and friends, I was able to purchase a new cello today. I am so grateful!

My virtual donation wall:
Tara, Trippe, Nancy, Adam, Duncan, Tracy, Mom, Dad, Sue, Jon, Grandma J, Grandpa Steve, and Grandma R.

Presentations and blogging

We have been studying blogs and blogging in my social software in libraries class. It has been a thought-provoking topic for me. I have been blogging for a long time it seems, and my purpose for starting this blog was to get better at writing.

As a result of our discussion, I have been thinking about what I would write about if I started a more "professional" blog, and whether or not I would be able to blog about interesting ideas, interact more with the library community and participate more. I'm not sure that I really have much to add to the conversation, but who knows until I try, right? I'm not going to convert this blog at all, it will remain a personal journal-type blog, that I don't really advertise to anyone that I know really.

The blog discussion led me to explore some ideas this morning about presenting. I have to create a presentation. It will be rather boring, I'm afraid, so I have been looking into trying to spice up the content with a good graphical presentation. I have been looking into alternative methods of presenting other than using powerpoint. I found an interesting idea about using Dreamweaver instead.

By using dreamweaver, the presentation becomes less linear and more visual. My problem is that I need to start thinking about how to represent my content in a more visual context, and really think about how I'm going to make this presentation interesting.

We have been talking in class about how to make blogs more engaging and interesting, and I find that there is a high degree of cross-over between making content interesting in both blogs and presentations.

I might give Dreamweaver a chance this afternoon.

Opening night

I played cello for Nate James last night, and had so much fun! However, there was some miscommunication about when we were supposed to start so all my friends showed up at the end of the set. There will be other opportunities.

The band that played after us consisted of a keyboard player and a guitar player, and they were such a mismatched pair. Not sure how they met or why they were playing together. Their styles were so different.

Finally, we couldn't take it anymore, so we went out to a karaoke place. That was fun. It was a fun night out.

Driver's License

I finally reached the point where the DMV required me to retake my picture in order to renew my license. When I originally got my license as a teenager, I had this internal debate with myself over what I should write down for my eye color and finally decided on "brown." They are brownish, but not quite brown because they have hints of green and yellow in them. So when I went in to renew my license, I changed my eye color to hazel. Which is what I probably should have put in the first place. I suppose most people don't get to change their eye color, so when the DMV lady looked at my application she asked, "Are you wearing contacts?" I said "no." And that was that.

I am the band

I have really been thinking about posting an ad on Craigslist to see if there are any bands out there who are looking for a cellist, or if they might want to play with one occasionally and instead, I found an ad for a cellist. I listened to this guy's music and then I contacted him. I think he and I are both excited about playing together. I think we are very compatible as musicians, and after talking with him, I think we'll be able to work well together.

He is exactly where I wanted a music partner to be... not quite there yet in terms of exposure and publicity, but someone who is an established musician and someone who is motivated to do well and take care of the managing part of the music scene.

So. Check out my new band mate: Nathan James.

He is excited because once we're ready to go, he can actually start advertising and promoting the "Nathan James Band." So I told him I wanted a shirt that says, "I am the band!"