Sunday, January 29, 2006

Ramblings

Drove to Fresno and back between Friday morning and Saturday night. I'm tired. And overwhelmed I think. I had a really busy week last week, and it was populated with some perceived negative people interaction, which really gets me down.

I started library school this week. I am going to be one busy girl!

I was talking with one of my co-workers last week (who wants to be a counselor and work with college students somehow) and we were talking about my degree from Azusa. I really had fun getting the degree, but just couldn't find a job in the field and got tired of trying. I settled to a certain extent. And so, my life after college is riddled with these "what if...?" moments. We talked about where I am now and whether or not I'm excited to do this degree. My heart is not quite in it yet. I think its a good decision, but I still struggle with whether I'm making the right decision. I feel like I'm giving up on some goals of mine and settling for something less. I teared up a bit just because of all the difficulties I went through after trying (and failing) to find a job. My co-worker reminded me that God is sovereign and even if my decision is not as good as I think it is, God can still use the degree to bring me where he wants me to be.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Recording Session

Me to the sound engineer last night as I'm trying to tune my cello: I've been having trouble with my G string all week.

Sound engineer after a pause: You know, I hear a lot of girls have trouble with their G strings.

We laughed.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Twitchy

Went home 2 hours early yesterday, and took a much needed nap. Got my laundry done and practiced cello. I'm in the studio on Wednesday and I'm stressed out. I've gained an eye-twitch. Its driving me crazy.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Rats!

So our student worker this morning saw a rat run across the first floor over by our front desk. So my co-worker freaked out and came into my office and actually stood on my stool that I have for students to sit on if they need to. So I went to see what was going on. Sure enough, there was the rat. He was freaked out, and tried to go outside, but of course all our doors were shut. So after a few minutes of trying to corral him out the door, he finally ran into our first floor stacks. The student and I chased him around for a bit, and eventually lost him. The students who were studying on the first floor couldn't figure out what we were doing... carrying around newspaper sticks and suddenly dropping to the floor to look underneath the stacks... and let me tell you that carpet is dirty! Anyway, who knows where the rat is now. Hopefully getting an education in the 200's (religion and philosophy) because we called physical plant and he could possibly die. I feel sorry for him. He was THIS CLOSE to freedom and ran the other way.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

What I've Learned...

I'm more sensitive to conflict than previously thought. It is hard for me to let things go and I start analyzing things which leads to worry and stress for me. I try to distract myself with other things, but it is difficult.

Also. It is exhausting for me to try and spend time with my dad and step-mom. They completely wear me out.

Also. What do I want for my birthday. I never know. I'm hard to buy for.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Unresolved

On a sunset walk
We had good conversation
Shared some laughs
Made some observations

But then
I got analytical
You thought
That I was being critical...

Well, that was never my intention
This miscommunication
No time for explanation
Only awkward tension...

But then you called
To apologize and make amends
But things
Just haven't been the same since then
And I
Just want to know if we can still be friends...
______________________________________

It's hard for me to let it be
I know I need to let you think it over for awhile
But don't take too long
Because I really like your smile...

Friday, January 13, 2006

Weird Sensation

Running in thick fog and feeling the moisture condense on your eyelashes without experiencing rain or snow.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Monday Night Live

So I'm starting a youth group for high school at church. I would say "we" cause the pastor is lending us his house and input, but there are only two girls so far. So it will be a high school small group first, and we'll see what happens. I'm pretty excited but apprehensive. I haven't tried relational ministry in awhile, and we do not know each other that well yet.

One of the girls came over last night and it was good. We got to talk about her relationship with Christ and her family and also play some air-hockey. I'm way better at foosball cause of college (thanks Ryan!) but managed to win 2 of 3 games in air hockey. The pastor was laughing at my intensity. What? I like to play. I don't care about winning, although that's fun too, but I just like to play.

I also start library school at the end of this month. I'm not really excited about school, but I think I will be when I'm finally studying. I've been preparing for library school for the last 4 months. Crazy.

Also, I was talking with a new friend of mine about school and music and some of the decisions I've made, because he was saying how he would love to be a full-time musician, whether that would be as a music director at a church or full-time performer, but he has a wife and three kids. I was telling him how I would probably never be a professional musician, but that I really enjoy playing in the studio, and if I could do anything, it would be that. So he offered to "hook me up" with his studio. That would be amazing.

Monday, January 09, 2006

My Sunday Off

We had a rough morning with the kids at church. I was kind of feeling drained at the end of it. There's a church in our denomination that just disbanded a few months ago. Some of them have started to come to the church I go to, and have been there for a month or two, but many of them have not really made an effort to mingle. As a result, there's a divide. So I was excited that two of the new families joined us for lunch on Sunday.

Then I practiced with my guitar-playing friend whose album I'm working on, and we played for awhile. I think 2 hours. Then I said I needed a break so we went for slurpies at 7-11. After spending 4 hours at this guy's house, I went home and took a nap.

Then I went to this GREAT pizza place with my roommate and some other friends of ours. I love lazy Sundays.

However, I set my alarm clock incorrectly this morning, and so I did not get a good start on my day so I'm a little tired and grumpy. Everyone thinks I'm sick or tired. Ha ha.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Some of Christmas

I think I always get depressed right before the holidays. Not sure exactly why, but I'm sure it has something to do with all the trauma and drama that happened in the past over holidays. This Christmas was actually fun and relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my mom and siblings and got to see most of the extended family.

I read the Christmas letter that my dad and step-mom put out, and what they put in for me said something about how they don't see or talk to me a whole lot, which is true, and that they realize I seem to have "found my niche" and I "seem to be happy" in San Diego.

Is it bad that I have little desire to work on the relationship? Or that I know that I should try more but just don't want to?

I think I'm a bit sad that they did not ask me what they should put in the letter for me. I feel like if they wanted to know more about my life then they should call me more often.

As I get older, my life gets more monotonous. There aren't many new things going on in my life. My life is sort of stable (praise God!) and maybe even a bit boring to the point that nothing stands out. I feel like I have nothing to contribute in the way of conversation sometimes.

Music Opportunities

I just invested $700 in a new cello case. And I spent about $700 on a new computer. That's a lot of money for me. Both needed and necessary.

The cello case is exciting because I've needed a new one for years. The new case is waterproof and air-tight. Perfect for all the traveling my cello has to do. Especially this month, cause I got two small paying gigs. Both recording. One song for a clarinet player who wrote a piece for piano, cello, and clarinet, and a bunch of songs band-style for one of the worship leaders at church who is putting out an album. I've been listening to the rough tracks today and I'm impressed. It is basically a marketing album for him cause he plays at a lot of weddings and people are always asking him for his CD. Plus he's signed to a small label so that's nice. The music network is working! There's nothing like getting paid for something you enjoy. I told the worship guy he could pay me what he could afford. Perhaps it will lead to bigger and better things for me.