Thoughts about and experiments in Christian meditation

One of the ideas frequently mentioned in the Bible is that of mediation. Just a few examples:

Do not let this book of the law depart from your mouth, meditate on it day and night...

Give ear to my words, Oh Lord, Consider my meditation...

I often feel like one of those hypocritical Christians because I pray so rarely. It often feels beyond my comprehension to sit down and "connect" to an entity that I do not fully understand. What I DO know is that I long for this connection, and that I am very out of practice in my ability to pray and/or meditate.

As I re-read the chapter on meditation in Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, I was reminded that people learn meditation by meditating. Christian meditation is really about making space to experience the presence of God. Foster writes:

What happens in meditation is that we create the emotional and spiritual space which allows Christ to construct an inner sanctuary in the heart (20).

Foster also makes a great connection between meditation and imagination. He writes:

Perhaps some rare individuals experience God through abstract contemplation alone, but most of us need to be more deeply rooted in our senses...Even more, the imagination helps to anchor our thoughts and center our attention (25).

One of the things I've realized lately is that I am also out of practice in using my imagination. For a long time, I have been squashing my dreams, hopes, and thus, also my creativity. Most people I know would describe me as a creative person, and being creative is something that I would say I value. However, I am experiencing a gap in my life (at the moment) in this area. The reality is that I am unable to be creative without using my imagination. It should come as no surprise then, that I've found I have difficulty being creative and finding things that inspire my creativity. I'm not certain what commentary in the world I've been listening to, but it hasn't been very positive or validating. Somehow, I have let the "voices in my head" tell me that imagining is silly, unproductive and a waste of time.

The truth is, that those who are the most imaginative and those who are the dreamers are really those who can most make a difference in the world if they choose to do so.

I think I'm ready to dust off my rusty imagination and see what may come of it. That, and start practicing some meditation in my life.

Pocket of Grace

The last month has been stressful and chaotic, mostly because I packed up all my earthly possessions and moved them to Texas. So far, I am really enjoying it. I had only been there about 3 weeks before I left to go to a conference last week where I was doing a presentation. The presentation went well I thought, and it was great to see many of my former coworkers at the conference. 

On my way back from Missouri (where the conference was) to Texas, I stopped and spent the night with my friend Beryl at her Aunt and Uncle's house. I had originally left my car there to carpool with Beryl (who had flown from CA to OK). When I got back, I found my car washed, detailed, and tuned up. Beryl's Uncle Doug had taken my car into the shop to have it checked out for me. He not only had the car detailed, but had them rotate my tires, do an alignment, and try to figure out what the knocking noise was on the left side of the engine.

I was really touched by this. My car had been maintained mechanically, but not really physically in the last few months. This was a totally unlooked for surprise, and I'm thankful to Doug for the care he took of my car while I was away. 

Doug was an agent of grace in a stressful and chaotic time in my life, and I'm thankful for the reminder from God that even though I feel like things are a bit challenging and chaotic right now, everything is going to be alright--He sometimes leads me to rest in these pockets of grace.

Worry

I know. This is an interesting topic for my first blog of the new year...

I just had an IM conversation with a friend who was worried about a situation that she did not really have control over. I never know what to say to people in these situations. I don't really feel like I can relate.

I do not get worried that often because if I notice that I'm worried, I try to problem solve the situation. Why am I worried? What power do I have to change the situation? What are the specific steps that I can take? If I decide that I have no control over a situation (which is the case most of the time) then I see no reason to worry.

As a Christian, I believe that God is in control all the time. This does not mean that he prevents bad things from happening. However, this gives me the ability to face down many of these anxious situations with calmness.

However, there have been times in my life where I have lived in a state of continuous anxiety. This is not fun. Whenever I face this level of anxiety in my own life, my solution is to change my focus as much as possible, by reading a book, watching a movie or anything that will engage my mind and keep me from thinking about whatever it is that has me worried. I have also found that in these times, I'm WAY more likely to sleep if I can wear my body and mind out with exercise.

It is in these moments that I often am reminded of God's many promises to me and everyone else in this world--that He loves his people and me specifically, He has a purpose and plan for my life, that He can use these terrible situations for good in my life or perhaps in the lives of others, and that I am not alone.

Often, when I confess to others that I am anxious or worried, when I do go through these times of trouble, I am always encouraged by the responses of the people around me. It helps to have friends and family remind me of the promises previously stated and ease me towards healing from those situations.

Presence

The campus where I work is beautiful. It is right on the ocean and the weather is usually awesome. The other day I was walking to the campus post office and saw at least three students sending or receiving text messages while walking. It is crazy to think how attached we all are to our personal electronic devices.

In the Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster, Milo, a boy with no ambition and nothing to do, finds himself in a strange land. In one of the chapters, Milo sees all these people walking quickly to their destinations, only he can't figure out where any of them are going--he sees no buildings, streets or landmarks. No one is talking, no one is looking up, and all the people are just watching their feet. After engaging one of these people, he finds that there is a city, with buildings, streets, and other structures, but the city is invisible. The reason for its invisibility is that the citizens of this city stopped seeing it. They started watching their feet and ignoring each other instead. After a while, the city faded.

The city is invisible because the people stopped looking at it.

One thing I try to practice each day is being present. Paying attention to where I am in the here and now. I try to listen when people talk, look up and smile at people when I am walking, and admire the scenery wherever I am. I just think that if we all tried to practice a little more presence, we might actually connect more concretely as a community.

It seemed to me that the students who were walking and texting weren't really able to enjoy the beautiful weather or the view.

One day they are going to wake up, and find that the ocean has faded away.

My celebrity crush

I don't have one currently. I only have crushes on actual people, and not that often. I feel like the term "crush" implies some kind of obsession, which is not a very healthy thing to have. I know this was supposed to be a funny sort of question, but I really don't have an answer.

Thoughts

There's a loud tractor outside my office window.
I want to play cello more, maybe I'll post on Craigslist to find a band to be a part of...
Why am I so unmotivated right now...?
I should really be getting some work done.
I wish I had a good idea for a research project.

and finally, I don't want to do my homework.

There is a season...

My neighbor, Nikitas, died unexpectedly last night. He and his wife, Georgia, own the duplex that I rent, and the live in front of me. I am kind of at a loss for how to respond in these kinds of situations. My other neighbor, Carmela, is also grieving. There's a lot of tension and emotional chaos around this place right now.

On the same night, my other neighbor gave birth to a baby girl. They live across from me. The baby is healthy and well.

What a poignant moment, when life ends and begins in the houses that border the same small courtyard.

Relational Pursuit

In just the past week, I had two people quote things back at me that I had said to them at one point or another.

Kyle reminded me about a conversation we had about being fully engaged in relationships even when you know you're not going to be around for awhile. If you hold back because you think that it's not worth the short amount of time that you're in a certain place, then you pass up an opportunity to learn from people that God may have put in your life for a reason. I fully believe that sometimes we're friends with certain people for seasons. You remember them with fondness, and they may have taught you something, but you don't necessarily keep in touch. I have many friends like this.

Jenn M. reminded me that we had a conversation about relationships, and how our best friends (whether male or female) put in an equal amount of effort. All my best friends are those that have pursued me as a friend.

Anyway. Kind of cool that they remembered what I said, and it makes me think about how I need to be careful what I say sometimes, because apparently, people take me seriously.

I'm writing late cause it is one of those nights where I have a lot on my mind. I'm tired, but I'm not ready to go to bed. And it is going to KILL me tomorrow.

Good Quote

I wrote this to a new friend of mine in an email, and I think it is well-worded:

I like to think that I have options within God's plan. Not very presbyterian of me I have to admit. But I think God uses our unwise decisions for good. It isn't always clear which direction you're supposed to take, and you won't know 'til you try one. --RR

Music

I am meeting a few more people who are creative in ways I did not expect. This is exciting. Until now, I have never had such a burning desire to create and to create well. It is difficult to create things of meaning or beauty. I cannot usually create unless I have a really good idea or unless I have some inspiration.

I really want to be in a band, or at least be able to create collaboratively with a purpose. I wish I had more talent.

Get Excited!...

...is my new favorite phrase, adopted from my sister and her roommate.

I have been making an effort to live healthier and it showed when I tried on the dress I ordered for my brother's wedding in September. I got measured in May, and the dress is too big. At least a size too big. I'm going to have to get it altered. I do not think I'll lose that much more weight before the wedding, but I'm hoping for at least 5 pounds. I don't think 5 pounds will impact the alterations all that much.

This really showed me that I have lost weight. I haven't been able to really "see" it since I haven't gone down a pants size yet. I can still wear all the clothes I've been wearing.

I do not like to talk about this very much out of respect for all the girls I know who struggle with body image. I don't really. I was happy with the way I looked, I just know that my body would appreciate carrying less weight, and I know that my eating habits were atrocious.

Untitled

I took a nap today. Bad decision. I'm now really feeling awake, and I need to go to sleep. I have all this pent up energy and angst right now, and so I tried to walk it off. Sometimes really fun weekends make me feel more alone at the end of them.

Cello Bow

Apparently I am a magnet for bad luck this week. First, I lost my cello bow. Then my car got hit while it was parked in front of my house, and the guy didn't pull over. Hit-and-Run. I do not think my insurance is going to cover it because I drive an old car, and I just had liability. I am bleeding money at the moment. So to bolster my spirits, I went shopping for a cello bow today.

I think the process of buying a bow is the closest humans will get to purchasing a wand. So in the spirit of magic, here is a short excerpt from "why buying a bow is like purchasing a wand:"

They are both made of wood. Woods have different levels of densities, thicknesses, and levels of stiffness, and each person has their own individual style and preference. You have to try them all out before purchasing one. Do you prefer slender and whippy? Or dense and heavy? Bouncy or smooth? Octagonal or round? Although you can effectively use someone else's wand or bow, it will not be as effective as the one that chooses you.

Although I cannot vouch for wands, I would imagine that like bows, they are expensive.The bow I lost was a lightweight $300 octagonal bow. I was at the music store for 90 minutes and my decision came down to two bows, the one that I really hoped to buy ended up being too light for me and more expensive. So I'm kind of glad the "cheaper" bow I chose actually produced better sound on my instrument than the more expensive one. Let's just say it's a minor investment. The bow I just bought is cool looking. It is Brazilian. The frog (bottom of the bow; where you hold it) is made of snakewood, so it has cool markings--sort of like tiger-eye rocks. This bow has a tan leather grip, and gold binding. Normally, the grip is black and the binding is silver. This bow is heavier than my last one (although I've discovered that almost ALL cello bows are heavier than mine was) but it produces really good tone on my instrument. I'm excited. So the next time you see me play, you can tell me how good it sounds.

Love

There's nothing like the reckless abandon of a child who knows that she is loved and freely loves in return.Sometimes I wish I could love as freely as that child.

New friend?

So I had this gift card to Olive Garden. I received it for teaching a swim lesson to some ladies at work that are competing in a triathalon. I coached and taught swim lessons for about 7 years in the summer until I had to get a "real" job, so I am good at stroke analysis, technique, and coaching people to improvement.

Sorry, got sidetracked. So anyway, I hadn't seen my friend Ryan G. in awhile, and made plans to have dinner with him. Ryan and I have a fun history together because we grew up together. Our parents went to the same church, we went to the same schools, and he used to hang out with my step-brother. Then he ended up coming to UCSB, and we were involved in the same club, and spent a summer overseas with the same group of people. We lost touch a little after college, but then he moved to SD, and well, its fun for us to hang out because we know a lot of the same people.When we were talking about where to eat dinner, I remembered that I had a giftcard to Olive Garden. So we decided to use it.

We were starting our conversation when all of a sudden there was this guy with a loud booming voice who introduced himself with a VERY australian accent, "Hi, my name is James, and I'll be your server tonight..."James told us that he is half-aussie, and half-american, and let me tell you, our experience just would not have been the same without him. He was courteous without being obtrusive, the service was excellent, and he was both fun and funny all at the same time. It is obvious that James loves people, and Ryan and I agreed that we would come back, just because of how great our experience was. The most interesting thing about it was that James has no prior server experience, and this was his first week on the job.People seem to be afraid of getting to know each other these days, it is rare to meet those who are willing to try. I think we found ourselves a new friend. And to think, I never go to Olive Garden, and never would have gone if I hadn't got a giftcard.

Life, perhaps...

On a journey…

It has been said that the path is straight and narrow,
but this road I have taken has unexpected turns
As it clearly lies before me
The asphalt undisturbed
Someday this path will lead me home
Because I know that God has guided me
To this one lane road

---

So Ryan tells me:

Okay this has nothing to do with your post. I was just thinking if life is a journey and God is in control, are you taking detours, or is God leading you through the scenic route? Enjoy the beauty of the day and the trip as it will be a long one :)

Yes, the journey is long. I think God is in control, but I can't help but take detours sometimes. I always wonder, am I making the right decisions? Or is this all a part of God's plan? Can God use me in spite of myself? In spite of my bad decisions? Or bad choices I make in life?

I really do think that God can use us no matter where we are, and brings us back to the correct path when we make wrong choices. Hopefully I learn from my mistakes, and continue to walk more confidently on the road he has set before me.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...

That Darn Green Monster...

I had a little battle with that GREEN MONSTER last night...Here's the story:

The employment listings at PLNU come out every few weeks. There was a position on the listing I really wanted to apply for, but I can't because I'm not supposed to try and switch jobs until after I've been here for a year.

The summer has been tough for me because there's not a lot to do for my job. So I'm getting bored because there's nothing to do and no challenges. What do I do with my time? Well, I do what few tasks are required of me, and then I start contemplating my life. I am glad I have a job, but I feel like I should be doing something more with my life than just working in the library and I could use some extra money. I have thought about joining the orchestra, teaching cello lessons, trying to get more paid music gigs...like weddings and parties, starting my Ph.D., taking language courses, or getting more involved in ministry at my church where I have at least two opportunities to serve more, one as an event coordinator for the twenty and thirty-somethings crowd, or as a leader in the kids club ministry that will be starting in the fall. I'm taking votes.

So I explained all this to my mom who got to come out and see where I work and meet all the librarians I work with last night. She was so excited! And so were they. I think we are going to see some collaboration on research projects between APU and PLNU. Then she took me out to dinner, and we had fun, but I was a little depressed about my situation here. My mom dropped me off at my apartment, and then I went on a bike ride.

When I got back from riding, my roommate came home and told me that in her retail sales-associate position, her boss gave her an almost $3,000 dollar bonus yesterday, and a raise in her salary. She is now making twice as much money as I am. I am happy for her, but it frustrates me a little because I'm really struggling to make it here in SD financially. GREEN MONSTER rears its ugly head...at least privately.

I had to remind myself that I do like it here, and I have enough to make it. I am not *technically* living in poverty, and I live in the US. I started telling God how thankful I was for the things he has provided for me. And that made a world of difference.

I'm still struggling, and I would appreciate some prayers this week for guidance and peace with my financial situation.

On a happier topic, I will be going to visit one of my favorite friends, Laurel, this weekend, and so I don't know if I will be posting this weekend or not.

Romans 10:1-11

Brothers and sisters, my heart's desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved. I can testify that they have a zeal for God, but it is not enlightened. For, being ignorant of the righteousness that comes from God, and seeking to establish their own, they have not submitted to God's righteousness. For Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes. Moses writes concerning the righteousness that comes from the law, that "the person who does these things will live by them." But the righteousness that comes from faith says, "Do not say in your heart, "Who will ascend into heaven?'" (that is, to bring Christ down) or "Who will descend into the abyss?'" (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). But what does it say? "The word is near you, on your lips and in your heart" (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); because if you confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For one believes with the heart and so is justified, and one confesses with the mouth and so is saved. The scripture says, "No one who believes in him will be put to shame." (NRSV)

2 Timothy 1:7-9

For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline. Do not be ashamed, then, of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God, who saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace. (NRSV)

I can't tell you how many times I have been ashamed of the gospel, fearful of sharing my faith because of what people will think. As I think about these two verses, I am comforted. I should not be ashamed of the gospel because God protects those who believe in him. I will still be tested, and God will give me opportunities to interact with unbelievers. I can only pray that I will be faithful and unashamed when those opportunities come. It is God alone who saves.

---

Thursday is probably going to be my "contemplative blog" day because it is the day after my Bible Study. To my faithful readers (namely Ryan and my sister, Megan) thanks for reading. I appreciate your comments. Feel free to ask me questions or offer topics...I'll do my best to answer them.