Comic-tragedy

The most awkward night ever:

Having a friend of mine yell at me in band practice the other day and it really hurt my feelings. He told me later that he appreciated me being there, and I think we're okay, but it really put a damper on the evening for me. Made me feel rather anti-social later which was a problem because then both the guys who are interested in me showed up last night. They don't know each other, and then another friend of mine said loudly, "so who are you dating?" He had no idea he was standing between the two guys, and I had to pull him aside and yell at him for being indiscrete.

Anyway, it was hard for me to sleep last night, I thought about this the whole night! And I was unable to resolve anything in my mind.

Dating Novella

Dating is so hard. I'm thinking about writing out my stories about dating in the form of a novella.

So here it is, Chronicles of the Chronically Single:

I met a really cool guy about a month ago, and I think he would ask me out except that he's moving in about 5 days. I love spending time with him, and we seem to be very compatible as friends. BUT HE'S MOVING!

Then there's these two other guys that I'm not necessarily interested in. I just don't know what to do in these situations. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm willing to be friends...but if they want more than that, well, I IGNORE THEM!

This is all totally hilarious to me, because I haven't been asked out in the last year or so, and now there's two guys interested, possibly three? If only guy number 1 wasn't moving away...

Dating makes me feel squirmy...like I'm a little kid trying to sit still in church, bored with drawing pictures in the margins of the bulletin with the same dulled golf pencils that never get replaced... trying not to disturb the people around me, but disturbing them anyway because of my restlessness...

There are a few possible reasons for my squirmy-ness:
1. I don't like being the center of attention, and when there's only two of you well... there's not really any way to distract the other person with other people...
2. Even though I have control of the dating situation (ie I am the responder...) dating still makes me feel out of control...when there's another person out there, well, you can't really control them...and uh, that makes me nervous, er, squirmy, even though I like variety in life, I like people to be predictable and the guys who are interested in dating me, well, that's not very predictable at all.
3. I have few close friends, and a lot of people I keep at arms-length. I am very reserved and skeptical, and hard to win over sometimes. My reserve sometimes creates social awkwardness in dating situations and it might be because I feel like I'm a boring person...anyone who is interested in dating me automatically makes me just a little bit skeptical...
4. Of course, I could always blame it all on my parents and their messy divorce, but two of my siblings (out of four of us) are in healthy, committed dating relationships...that's 50%, so I don't know that I can blame the parents...but I could...

Abundantly Poor

It is possible to feel blessed with abundance and incredibly poor at the same time. I have felt so blessed these last few months. I got some great gifts for my birthday, reconciled a relationship with someone I felt I treated poorly, met some new people, and yet, as I paid my bills last night, I couldn't help but start to panic.

I read Matthew 14:14-21 this morning. It is the story of how as Jesus continued to heal the people, more people came, and they had no food. Jesus tells the disciples to give them something to eat, and they tell Him that they only have five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus tells the people to sit down, gives thanks for the food, and provides more than enough for everyone.

God has always provided for me. He never lets me get into the red, no matter how much money I think I have left to spend. This does not mean that I go out and spend all my money, but that I budget and try to make it on what I have. I am so frail. When I panic, its like I'm not putting my faith in God, and he has always taken care of me, another lesson in trusting Him.

Whew!

I think things are finally slowing down a bit for me. Whew! What a crazy couple of weeks! I finally hired and trained my new student worker, I have a normal sized stack of books to process today, and I tested my potential new commute and it only took me 30 minutes to get here, which is only 10 minutes longer than my current commute. That's awesome! So it looks like I might be leaving the community I love, but there is so much potential for a better situation for me.

I am so thankful for all the blessings God has bestowed on my life, and my only complaint is that I'm tired sometimes. But life is good.