Micropoems

I am embarking on a project to write poetry for at least 5 min a day. I am choosing random words from my magnetic poetry collection to inspire me. Today's word is "charm" and here is today's poem:

Charm

I wear a ring as a charm
to remind me to be bold
To be myself, to hold myself
in highest regard

To remember my compassion
my heart, my humanity
To help me love beyond myself
and reach out to those in need

Thoughts about and experiments in Christian meditation

One of the ideas frequently mentioned in the Bible is that of mediation. Just a few examples:

Do not let this book of the law depart from your mouth, meditate on it day and night...

Give ear to my words, Oh Lord, Consider my meditation...

I often feel like one of those hypocritical Christians because I pray so rarely. It often feels beyond my comprehension to sit down and "connect" to an entity that I do not fully understand. What I DO know is that I long for this connection, and that I am very out of practice in my ability to pray and/or meditate.

As I re-read the chapter on meditation in Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, I was reminded that people learn meditation by meditating. Christian meditation is really about making space to experience the presence of God. Foster writes:

What happens in meditation is that we create the emotional and spiritual space which allows Christ to construct an inner sanctuary in the heart (20).

Foster also makes a great connection between meditation and imagination. He writes:

Perhaps some rare individuals experience God through abstract contemplation alone, but most of us need to be more deeply rooted in our senses...Even more, the imagination helps to anchor our thoughts and center our attention (25).

One of the things I've realized lately is that I am also out of practice in using my imagination. For a long time, I have been squashing my dreams, hopes, and thus, also my creativity. Most people I know would describe me as a creative person, and being creative is something that I would say I value. However, I am experiencing a gap in my life (at the moment) in this area. The reality is that I am unable to be creative without using my imagination. It should come as no surprise then, that I've found I have difficulty being creative and finding things that inspire my creativity. I'm not certain what commentary in the world I've been listening to, but it hasn't been very positive or validating. Somehow, I have let the "voices in my head" tell me that imagining is silly, unproductive and a waste of time.

The truth is, that those who are the most imaginative and those who are the dreamers are really those who can most make a difference in the world if they choose to do so.

I think I'm ready to dust off my rusty imagination and see what may come of it. That, and start practicing some meditation in my life.

Concrete heart

I love finding random beauty in the world. I noticed this piece of sidewalk almost the first week I moved in. There are so many things I think about when I see this picture. The heart is actually a hole in the concrete of the sidewalk. I liked the juxtaposition of the crack in the sidewalk next to the heart. Our hearts are all a bit cracked I'd say, but still beautiful. I'm hoping that this picture makes you think. I'd love to hear your comments on this one...

Pocket of Grace

The last month has been stressful and chaotic, mostly because I packed up all my earthly possessions and moved them to Texas. So far, I am really enjoying it. I had only been there about 3 weeks before I left to go to a conference last week where I was doing a presentation. The presentation went well I thought, and it was great to see many of my former coworkers at the conference. 

On my way back from Missouri (where the conference was) to Texas, I stopped and spent the night with my friend Beryl at her Aunt and Uncle's house. I had originally left my car there to carpool with Beryl (who had flown from CA to OK). When I got back, I found my car washed, detailed, and tuned up. Beryl's Uncle Doug had taken my car into the shop to have it checked out for me. He not only had the car detailed, but had them rotate my tires, do an alignment, and try to figure out what the knocking noise was on the left side of the engine.

I was really touched by this. My car had been maintained mechanically, but not really physically in the last few months. This was a totally unlooked for surprise, and I'm thankful to Doug for the care he took of my car while I was away. 

Doug was an agent of grace in a stressful and chaotic time in my life, and I'm thankful for the reminder from God that even though I feel like things are a bit challenging and chaotic right now, everything is going to be alright--He sometimes leads me to rest in these pockets of grace.

Regular

So. There's a bakery down the street from where I work. They are awesome! People come from all over town to experience their homemade breaded wonderfulness. My favorite thing to get there is a raspberry chocolate scone. The bakery has them on Tuesdays and Fridays, and maybe on the weekend sometime as well.

Well, I did not realize I was known as a regular customer until I walked in the bakery today (Thursday) and the girl at the counter says, "Oh no, no raspberry chocolate scones! What are you gonna do?"

I laughed and said, "I know. Um, I'm gonna get a pear almond scone."

I wish I could capture the tone on the girl at the counter's statement because it was very cops or something, "Whatcha gonna do!?" or maybe Speed (the movie), "There's a bomb on a bus...what do you do, WHAT, do you do!?"

I still like the raspberry chocolate scones better, but given my options, the pear almond will have to do for today.

Merry Christmas!

This has been a really busy week. I'm still trying to finish stuff up before I start driving to LA for a few days. I'm looking forward to a true break, no plans, except to maybe play some cello and pick back up some of the technique I've been losing.

I went Christmas shopping last Friday and bought all my gifts plus all the wrapping in the same two hour period of time. My guy friends were all hangin' out at their house. When they asked if I was coming over, I asked if I could bring my gifts and wrap them there. They were agreeable of course, and one of them asked me excitedly if he could help. I gave him the, "Seriously?" look. He really wanted to help, so I let him (of course) and we got my gifts wrapped in half the time!

He also modeled the gift I got for my sister-in-law. That picture is classic. I will try to remember to post it here after she opens the gift.

I have to admit that I'm very thankful this year. It has been a pretty good year. I feel more free, maybe cause I finished the degree and a little lighter (after losing 40 pounds over the last year and a half) and pretty optimistic about the future.

I never usually look forward to Christmas. It is my least favorite holiday. Usually it has been stressful and not restful due to the number of places I feel obligated to be. This year, I've had a change of heart and I'm looking forward to celebrating with my family and all the traditions it entails.

Motivation

I got to go out with a few friends from my Bible Study last night. We ditched the study in favor of celebrating the completion of my degree and my friend's birthday.

I was just thinking that it is hard for me to celebrate sometimes. I've never really liked big parties and though I have completed my degree I'm not feeling particularly proud of the accomplishment. I knew that I could finish it, and it was not particularly challenging for me to do so. I'm thankful and relieved to be done mostly because I'll have more time to rest.

But the celebration last night helped put me in a better mindset. It is exciting that I'm finished. I will have more time to do things that I've put aside due to the degree.

I'm learning that I am so undisciplined and it is impacting my ability to stay motivated and succeed. I was trying to think of some ways that I could regain my work ethic. A few ideas included trying to get up a little earlier to pray, or being more disciplined in my journal writing, emphasizing one thing I hope to accomplish each day and one thing I'm thankful for...

I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for this year. An attitude of thankfulness helps restore contentment. I would like to have more joy and I wish my life was a little less boring. I was thinking though that there are some awesome things that have happened this last year and some really painful ones. I was also thinking that I might actually write a life update letter for the holidays.

Probably not, but if I did, my list would include:

• new cello
• joining a band
• losing 30 pounds and continuing to keep it off and lose a little more
  
• finishing my MLIS degree

I think the weight loss is great. That goal has been really hard to keep. When I first started, I knew I needed to make a change. That commitment is one of the toughest things I've had to make. I would still like to lose at least ten pounds.

When I went in to get my driver's license picture retaken, I had to change my weight. I do not remember what it said, but I decided to put down 180. I weighed 190 at the time and had already lost about 20 pounds. My goal is 170. I weigh 184 right now. That's about what I weighed my senior year of college. I'm finally back in the gym, and I'm totally feeling better about myself. I have more energy (which is kind of to my detriment since it is hard for me to sit down and focus for extended periods of time).

I had been on a LONG plateau... just maintaining my current weight and not losing any, but I started trying to monitor my sugar intake again. This totally works. I have a little bit during the day usually, but I don't crave sweet things as much, or if I do, I usually want something that is sweet but not super sweet. But I lost a couple pounds in the last two weeks so I'm hopeful again. I'm ready to try getting back in the gym more frequently or maybe the pool. This is definitely a different attitude than the one I had even three months ago.

The only bummer is that I'll probably have to pay again for major dress tailoring for my sister's wedding next June. Oh well. I'd rather be healthy and pay a monetary penalty than the penalty in life.

An update

I just finished my LAST "real" research paper. I may have to write a little more for my portfolio/thesis, but that will not be nearly as difficult. I'm starting to think a lot about the transitions in the next couple of months. I'm a little scared. I am looking forward to them, but change is always a bit frightening.

I am playing cello tomorrow night with a band that is new to me. I'm only playing two songs, but the experience so far has been really fun and positive. I'm having fun. If my job search ends with a job in San Diego, then I'll probably commit more fully to this band. They're good and I feel like their lead guy is respectful and talented. My life these days revolves around music and school.

Last week, I had to finish that research paper and this week I have two rehearsals and a performance. I've been singing at church on Sunday nights and it rocks! Plus they pay me, so technically, that makes me a professional singer! This cracks me up. I would do it for free, because I have such a good time doing it, but it is also really affirming to be paid to do music. There's no better feeling in the world than to get paid for something you love. So I'm having a good time.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Moving on...

At church on Sunday, I listened to two sermons... one about envy versus jealousy, and one on anxiety. I did not realize that there is a difference between envy and jealousy, but there is. Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is wanting to protect or guard what you think is yours by right.

I realized that much of my current frustrations with my life arise out of envy. I am envious of what others have and as a result, I am not content with my life. I want a better job. I want a new car. I want to be free of debt.

There was a moment last week where I thought to myself, "All my striving is pointless." I realized how surreal life can be when I stop to think about the futility of all my activity.

When I am anxious, the worry shows me that I often care more about these things than about God and his plan for me.

I was convicted. I was reminded to be thankful.

Sunday was a good day. I had a real conversation with a new girl at church. I was paid to play cello at a fun party. I got to go to church in the evening. I have a friend who walked with me late at night when I needed to walk off my anxiety. We had an honest conversation about life. He told me to call if I need to talk this week and I know that he means it.

I had two people tell me last week that they think God is preparing me for something great. I was not ready to listen yet.

But now, the pain I'm feeling from the difficulties I faced last month is fading and I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to move on with my life.

Miscommunication

I'm having a rough week. After getting dropped by my band, I get a call from my dad who is upset because he didn't know I was going to New York for my cousin's wedding. After talking it over with everyone, I figured out that there were a lot of assumptions being made by everyone involved. Frankly, it just slipped my mind to let my parents know that I would be there. I'm really frustrated with everything in my life right now.

I want to make music so badly, and I'm feeling adrift. I have nowhere to play. I keep working to promote my instrument and then subsequently work myself out of positions. I started playing cello at this rad church last summer, but because of my schedule during the year, I had to drop that band. They liked the cello so much that they hired a full-time cellist. So I won't get to play with them this summer. Ironic.

I'm playing at a talent show this weekend. I'm playing the Prelude from Bach Unaccompanied Cello Suite #2. Bach wrote six suites for the cello, and every cellist learns them. Each suite has six movements, so there are 36 movements total.

I've always said that good cellists are always slightly depressed. I was debating between the Prelude from Suite 2, and a Gigue, which is a dance, and by nature is happier and a little more showy. I decided to play the Prelude instead because I have never performed it-- will probably never again have the opportunity to perform it because it is a sad piece. However, I think it is my favorite Prelude.

I should be able to play it well as it reflects my current state of mind at the moment.

Weekend Blah

I've got the Monday blues. I'm not feelin' that great and I'm really tired which also means that I'm unmotivated. I think I used up all my motivation on Saturday, wherein I had a 3 hour orchestra rehearsal, a barbeque (which was fun!), then I went walking (because it was 90 degrees in SD on Saturday), went to the grocery store, made a mass amount of cookies which took me 3 hours, wrote a quick paper and then finally, went to bed. I was really tired. I actually had to make myself a to-do list on Saturday.

On Sunday, I got a late start. By the time I was ready to go, it was after 10am. So instead of going to my church, I visited the one on the corner. I got to meet some of my neighbors. There were hardly any young people there. I was talking with a friend about it, and we were wondering what makes a church or any organization thrive. We both agreed that it takes a core group of people spending time together and who are inviting others to be a part of it.

I need some encouragement

I just realized that I missed the deadline for declaring my candidacy to graduate. I'm now getting the runaround from advisor types about whether or not I get to graduate in December. If my candidacy is not accepted, then my degree will not post until May 2009. I'm not optimistic.

Transitions

I asked my boss today if I could list him as a reference. I found a job I want to apply for, and I needed to let him know that I was looking. He asked if I would stay if they could find a position for me. I said yes. That would be ideal. I got some tears in my eyes because I like it here so much. I really wish I could stay. I hope he is able to make it happen.

Milestone

I'm very close to a significant weightloss goal: 20 pounds. I am not quite there yet, but I wanted to celebrate a different but similar milestone in my life: I am under 200 pounds for the first time in years. I think that is quite the accomplishment. I still have a ways to go as far as my overall goal, which I haven't shared with very many people at all. I just do not like talking about this with most people. There are four people total in my life that I've told about my goals, but that's it. But my goal is to lose 30 more pounds. I am losing weight at a rate of one pound per week. So this is going to take me awhile, and I have a feeling that after I lose about 15 more pounds, it will start getting harder for me to lose the weight without a significant increase in the amount of exercise I'm doing. I'm really excited because I think after 10 more pounds, people are going to start noticing. I noticed that my "nice" pants that I wore yesterday to jury duty looked "fat" on me, meaning they were loose and baggy, and did not fit me well at all.

This brings me to another goal that I have to set: No buying expensive nice pants until I've lost at least two pants sizes. I do not have enough money to buy clothes that I'll be in and out of in six months...that's how serious I am about the plan this time. I just spent $10 on a pair of pants that will be tight on me until I lose an extra 10 pounds, but I'm anticipating that I'm going to need them soon. I may also have to find all the pants (that I still have) that used to fit me. Some of them are still pretty nice.

Update

Have I done much of anything on my list? Well, sort of. I haven't done as much music stuff as I would have liked.

Last night, I went swimming with my buddy Ryan G. and then went rock climbing with my friend Melanie. It was so fun! I did a climb I didn't think I could do. It was at a more advanced level...but I did it!

I am SO tired today, and all I want to do this weekend is rest. But I'm going to Vegas. So it will be a no rest weekend, although I am hoping to go to bed early tonight and/or take a nap at some point on Saturday.

The reason for the Vegas trip is a bachelorette party for Tracy, Duncan's fiance. Should be a good time. I fly out in about an hour. Maybe I'll get to nap on the plane.

To Do List

1. Create a presentation for Wednesday night
2. Rehearse with the band (7-9pm tonight)
   
3. Finalize set list for kids' camp next week
4. Write out lyrics for camp on poster board
5. Practice the songs on guitar
   
6. Memorize lines for the skit I'm in
7. Find a wide black belt
8. Buy a gift for Tracy
9. Do laundry
10. Pack for Vegas this weekend
11. Go to the bank to pay rent
    

My Birthday Party

It was my birthday today, and it was a really good day. My coworkers threw me a Napoleon Dynamite party, complete with tator tots, dang quesadillas, and a cake--built by Pedro. So funny. I also received a shirt that says, "I got skills" with numchucks (sp?) on it. (Yesssss.....!)Then I threw myself a birthday party. I had a lot of fun people come over. We ate food, sang songs, and played Nintendo. I managed to get most of my guests to sign the guest book, for which I provided prompts. They had to answer one (or more if they wanted) of the following questions:

1. If you called a radio station and dedicated a song to me, what song
would you dedicate and why?
2.Write a mathematically based word problem that involves you and me.
Solve the problem, showing your work and the answer.
3. What is your favorite memory of you and me?
4. What goal(s) should I try to accomplish in the next year?
5. Do you have any words of wisdom for me? What are they?

I got some great responses. I love my friends!

New friend?

So I had this gift card to Olive Garden. I received it for teaching a swim lesson to some ladies at work that are competing in a triathalon. I coached and taught swim lessons for about 7 years in the summer until I had to get a "real" job, so I am good at stroke analysis, technique, and coaching people to improvement.

Sorry, got sidetracked. So anyway, I hadn't seen my friend Ryan G. in awhile, and made plans to have dinner with him. Ryan and I have a fun history together because we grew up together. Our parents went to the same church, we went to the same schools, and he used to hang out with my step-brother. Then he ended up coming to UCSB, and we were involved in the same club, and spent a summer overseas with the same group of people. We lost touch a little after college, but then he moved to SD, and well, its fun for us to hang out because we know a lot of the same people.When we were talking about where to eat dinner, I remembered that I had a giftcard to Olive Garden. So we decided to use it.

We were starting our conversation when all of a sudden there was this guy with a loud booming voice who introduced himself with a VERY australian accent, "Hi, my name is James, and I'll be your server tonight..."James told us that he is half-aussie, and half-american, and let me tell you, our experience just would not have been the same without him. He was courteous without being obtrusive, the service was excellent, and he was both fun and funny all at the same time. It is obvious that James loves people, and Ryan and I agreed that we would come back, just because of how great our experience was. The most interesting thing about it was that James has no prior server experience, and this was his first week on the job.People seem to be afraid of getting to know each other these days, it is rare to meet those who are willing to try. I think we found ourselves a new friend. And to think, I never go to Olive Garden, and never would have gone if I hadn't got a giftcard.

Can I get some stats on this please?

I spent about 30 minutes this morning just studying my planner. What I'm finding is that there is a direct correlation between planner usage and my stress level.

Anyway, I feel like grad school has only magnified and intensified the issues I face in my life. It has made me appreciate free time even more. It has made me appreciate my friends more. I am overwhelmed, and I know it. This alone has made me appreciate God more, and trust that yes, this really could be a part of the plan He has for my life.