Monday, July 14, 2014

Living with intent

I can't believe how time flies. How did June completely escape me? I've been to two conferences, and have been keeping busy with a few writing and planning projects. I've been spending my writing time writing more in an actual journal, and less on this blog. I have also been writing more poetry and songs, with the goal to record a solo album this year.

Logo from the American Library Association annual conference in Las Vegas (ala14.ala.org)
I went to the American Library Association (ALA) conference this year for the first time as a professional librarian. I do not know very many librarians personally at this conference, so I was determined to make some friends. The first night, I was so tired, and feeling introverted. I kinda wanted to just hide in my room and rest. But I had also put a social event on my calendar. I really debated attending. When I really thought about what I wanted to accomplish at the conference, which was to make some friends, I knew I needed to go to this event. So I made my way through the labyrinth of hotels that is the Las Vegas strip, and finally found the social! I definitely made some friends there, some of whom I think will be my friends for a long time. Meeting these people was the best part of my conference, and I would have missed it if I had decided to stay in my hotel room.

I'm reminded that when I put myself out into the world, with the intention to meet people, I meet people. When we state our intentions, and are committed to them, we can accomplish amazing things.

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Teaching

I've been teaching cello lessons for awhile now, and at one of my lessons last Saturday, I met another young cellist. She is a friend of the student I teach. After our lesson, we began to talk about teachers. Hayley, the friend, told me that she had recently quit. Why? I asked. Because, I didn't like my teacher. She doesn't like me. Hayley also told me that she had tried hiring a private lesson teacher, but he never showed up for lessons.

Then my student's mom jumped in and told a story about how she took orchestra in school and played violin, but that she was failing English, and so she couldn't play in any of the concerts. Her teacher told her to not bother playing at all in class. This mom told me that her feelings were really hurt by that teacher.

I didn't teach Hayley anything concrete that day, but I did tell her about some additional opportunities in town, and recommended a few books for her to try if she's still interested in practicing, which she is. At the end of the conversation, Hayley told me I was really pretty. I interpreted that to mean "nice." I think kindness is attractive. I wish more people were concerned with building others up instead of tearing them down.

Learning to play an instrument, or taking on any kind of artistic endeavor is a vulnerable thing to do and I feel like especially teachers of art or music ought to know this.

Teachers, please, think about what you say and do. Your actions impact people for FAR longer than you could ever imagine.

And if you think about it, if someone were to ask you who made the biggest difference in your life outside of immediate family, the answer is almost always a teacher.

Friday, May 23, 2014

On Life and Writing

This is probably the longest break I've taken from writing. I've been struggling. A lot. I often feel very alone. And yet, I have friends here, I have a great job, and I do make an effort to spend time ministering and being around people. So it's hard for me to reconcile the good things I've got in my life with the way I feel most of the time.

And it's interesting. I notice that when I'm feeling this way, I stop writing. I stop reflecting. Well, not really. I'm just more caught up in my own mind. When I don't write, my thoughts, I suppose, just get stuck up there.

I think I come across as having it all together. Whatever that means. But I don't. In these times of struggle, I'm reminded that I'm human, that a lot of other people are feeling the same way.

I'm in process of making a list of fun things to do when I start feeling alone. Even the thought of this list makes me smile, even though I haven't put anything on it yet. These tasks will help me create connection, which we all need.

I'm starting to feel like writing again, all things, and I think it's a sign that I'm finally healing a little.

Friday, January 31, 2014

Singleness

I had conversation with a newish friend of mine the other day about singleness, sort of. You see, we are both in our thirties, and neither of us has had a boyfriend. I think this is very unusual. For me, this is not something that I normally tell people, or even say out loud, mostly because I find it to be somewhat stigmatizing and it's hard for me to explain my perpetual singleness to people because it's hard for me to explain even to myself.

But honestly, it comes down to all the little choices I've made in life that have led me to this place. I can't say there's been a lack of opportunity, because there have been guys along the way that have been interested in dating me, but I haven't been interested in them, and the opposite of that too: where I've been interested in dating a particular guy, but he hasn't been interested in dating me. I'm still single because of these kinds of choices I've made. And I would rather be single than with the wrong person. That, I know is true.

It's hard though, I really would love to be in a long-term relationship with the right person, and as I get older the task of finding that person seems to get more difficult. Many of my perpetually single friends (and family members) have recently found someone, including the friend I mention above. As they do, my feeling of solidarity with my fellow singles is starting to diminish and to a certain extent, this makes me feel more alone.

My friend above seems to have met a great guy. She and I don't know each other that well, but she was telling me about how she's so happy right now, and yet feels like she can't share this happiness with her other perpetually single friends because she is worried that it will make them feel more depressed. I feel more removed from this situation because she and I are new friends. So I was able to share this advice with her:
Your friends care about you, they want you to be happy. Tell them you want to be able to share this part of life with them, but that you don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel more alone. Those of us that are perpetually single know how it is. We are happy for our friends and share in life's victories with them!
I really mean this. To my friends and family who have found love, I am truly happy for you! It's true! I love hearing about your lives and sharing in your happiness. It makes me happy to see you happy. I love spending time with you and your families.

At the same time though, I need you to remember that as more of you find love, and I don't, it does make me feel more alone, but that's just how I feel, and ultimately, I am responsible for these feelings! I have learned how to address my feelings and take action when I need to in order to feel less alone, and not everyone has learned how to do that.

I will admit, it makes me feel less alone when you check-in and see how I'm doing. When you do, it helps me remember that I am loved. Please remember to pray for us too--those perpetually single people in your life. I think many of us do often feel alone.

It may look like the single life is awesome, because we singles have more freedom, but ultimately, I wish I had someone to share it with.