Life, perhaps...

On a journey…

It has been said that the path is straight and narrow,
but this road I have taken has unexpected turns
As it clearly lies before me
The asphalt undisturbed
Someday this path will lead me home
Because I know that God has guided me
To this one lane road

---

So Ryan tells me:

Okay this has nothing to do with your post. I was just thinking if life is a journey and God is in control, are you taking detours, or is God leading you through the scenic route? Enjoy the beauty of the day and the trip as it will be a long one :)

Yes, the journey is long. I think God is in control, but I can't help but take detours sometimes. I always wonder, am I making the right decisions? Or is this all a part of God's plan? Can God use me in spite of myself? In spite of my bad decisions? Or bad choices I make in life?

I really do think that God can use us no matter where we are, and brings us back to the correct path when we make wrong choices. Hopefully I learn from my mistakes, and continue to walk more confidently on the road he has set before me.

Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path...

Be my friend!

I went out last night with my friends Yolanda and Kelvin.  They are great!  Kelvin taught me how to change the oil in my car and let me wash my car in his driveway two nights ago, and then we all hung out at this restaurant and chatted.  It's so easy to be my friend.  I don't need much.  I'm glad I got to go out last night.  My community group got moved to tonight because of all the doctors in the house, the rotation is messing up things on Wednesdays, and I have a rehearsal tonight. 

I get to play in another wedding tomorrow.  It should be better than the other one because I don't have to play any solos (Hey, solos is a palindrome!).   I have to be up late tonight though because I have a rehearsal for Sunday, and then Michael and I will be playing through the music for the wedding after that.  I'm tired already!

Poetry

Viewing the world
Through a different lens
I begin to see that there is more than meets the eye.
As light is reflected and refracted,
Straight lines shift and blur,
And it becomes clear to me
That God reads between the lines.

Help me to see the world in a new light.

Would you rather...

Would you rather...

Send an e-mail/letter/etc. you didn't mean to send, or receive an e-mail/letter/etc. that someone didn't mean to send to you?

I'm not sure at this point...  although I hate hearing people talk about me when they think I'm not listening. 

This blog just may have gotten a little more public than I would have liked due to a website that just got published about one of my favorite local bands, and I was enjoying my relative anonymity on-line.  Basically, if you do a google search for this band, my blog will show up because I mentioned them once in a post.

So I've tried to break that link to a certain extent by editing a few of my posts and by hiding my profile on blogger, but it still shows up on google.  CURSES! 

Not that I've said anything I regret, and you know, I really try to safeguard identities to a certain extent, and not say anything that would be considered confidential, but it just made me think a little more about what I'm writing here.  I don't think I want to write anything that will come back to haunt me later.  After all, people read this (well, I have two loyal readers thus far...)  and I know that.  So.  Keep reading.  And I am going to have to keep my profile on the DL (down-low) for a bit... at least as long as it keeps showing up when I do that google search.

Conversations-3

I was leaning against the railing at Costco, waiting for my friends to show up.  We had just played a game of ultimate frisbee, and a few of us decided to head to lunch.  I was the first one to get there, and finally saw Yolanda heading toward me. "I don't know where anyone else is..." I started to say, but she had this confused look on her face and pointed behind me.  I turned around.  Dennis and Kelvin were standing right behind me on the other side of the railing, I hadn't noticed their approach.  "Oh my gosh!" I said, "You guys scared me!"

"You mean you didn't know we were here?" Kelvin asked.

"No," I said.  "You guys could have really scared me."

Everyone laughed.  We got in line and started ordering food.  I love Costco food.  It is so cheap.  You can get a hot dog and drink for $1.50 plus tax.

"We are sitting over there," Kelvin told me, and pointed me in the right direction.  I walked over to where Dennis was sitting. 

"Is anyone sitting here?" I asked Dennis.

"No, you can sit there," he told me. I put my polish and drink on the table and sat down.

Kelvin and Yolanda arrived at the table with a couple of chicken bakes and sat down with us.

"Are you feeling better, Yolanda?" I asked.  I knew she had been feeling badly over the past week.  She had been sick since the previous Monday. 

"Yeah, but I may still take Monday off," she stated.  "I'm working in pediatrics, and parents  don't really like it when you show up sick."  Yolanda just finished med school and started her residency last month.

"I got sick over the fourth of July," I told her, "It was horrible.  I knew there were all kinds of things going on, and all I could do was stay home and sleep.  I was so bummed."

Yolanda agreed, "That would be a bummer."

There was a lull in the conversation.

"How long were you guys behind me at the railing?" I asked the group.

Kelvin told me, "Well, Dennis was there, but I was only behind you for about 30 seconds."

"Good," I said, "That makes me feel better.  If you had tried to scare me from behind, I probably would have elbowed you."

"Yeah," Kelvin agreed, "but then you probably would have hit the bar."

"That would have hurt," I told him.  I thought about my instinctive elbow response...

I asked Yolanda, "Do you have any siblings?"

"No," she stated.  "It's just me."

"And you Kelvin?" I asked.

"I have two brothers," he stated.

"Really..."I was surprised, "You are remarkably mellow for having two brothers."

Yolanda jumped in, "Well, you must have had a strong female influence in your life, like your mom, or your Grandma."

"My grandma," Kelvin said, "I was so scared of her growing up."

"I'll bet you were her favorite," I guessed. 

"Yeah," he smiled.  "I think my youngest brother is my mom's favorite.  He's so spoiled."

"I'm always the favorite," Yolanda said, "Cause its just me."  We laughed.

"Interesting..."  I said.  Kelvin and Yolanda had been dating for about four months.

Dennis jumped into the conversation, "Yeah I can tell you guys are dating... cause you've been wearing funny shirts," he had directed that comment to Yolanda.  Kelvin is always wearing shirts with funny messages.  "Like the monkey shirt."  Yolanda was wearing a monkey shirt, but that's not what Dennis was talking about.

I had to ask, "What's the monkey shirt?"

Kelvin started grinning.  "Well," he started, "It has a monkey sitting on a toilet, thinking."

Yolanda added, "And there's a toilet with steam coming out of it on the sleeve."

I started to shake my head.

Kelvin assumed a comical defensive tone, "What?  What's wrong with that? At least it doesn't have holes in it."  We all laughed.

"Yeah, why do guys always have holes in their shirts?" Yolanda asked. 

The boys got defensive, "No we don't!" they said in unison.

"Yes you do," she said.

"Well," I said, "Girls are always buying new shirts, where the boys always hold onto theirs for a really long time."

"I think that's true," Kelvin said.  "I still have shirts from high school."

"Me too," Dennis said.

"I have a sweatshirt from high school." I added.  It's from my freshman year and says, 'Glendora Varsity Swimming' on it."

"I bet its all broken in though," Yolanda stated.

"Yeah, except when I wear it, people think I'm in high school."  Everyone laughed.

"There aren't holes in my shirt!" Dennis had lifted his arm and was examining his underarm. 

"Dennis!" Yolanda was right next to his pit and started scooting over cause we had just played frisbee for 90 minutes, and we were all sweaty.

He started laughing and scooted toward her.  "Talk to the pit!" he said.

"Ewwww! Gross! It's a good thing I'm congested," she told him.  Kelvin and I laughed at their antics.

"You know what," I stated, "That would be a funny T-shirt.  Just put 'talk to the pit' under the arm."

"Hey," Dennis agreed, "That would be funny!"

"Let's market it!" I said.

Dennis started tugging Yolanda's hair.  Kelvin made an observation, "Have you ever noticed that everything always comes back to kindergarten?"

"Yeah," I agreed, "Like sharing...and cooties..."

"And boys bothering the girls cause they don't know how to talk to them..." Yolanda added.

"Yeah, like this..." I started poking Kelvin.  Dennis was tickling Yolanda...

"Is that how you two got together?" I asked Kelvin, "You just annoyed her until she said yes?"

"No," he said.  Yolanda laughed.  "Dennis, stop!"

Dennis stopped tickling Yolanda.  "I can't wait to see what happens when Dennis falls in love," she stated.

We all thought that was pretty funny cause he has the tendancy to goof off a lot.

"Well," I said, "I need to go."

There was a chorus of "Me too!"

We all said our goodbyes and went our separate ways.  We would see each other again soon.  After all, it was only Saturday afternoon.

Romans 12:1-3

I appeal to you therefore, brouthers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God which is your spiritual worship.  Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God--what is good and acceptable and perfect. (NRSV)

I know that normally I post the Bible Commentaries on Thursdays, but I have a lot to write about tomorrow, so I thought I'd at least get some of today's sermon out there.  Today at church, we actually talked about Romans 12:1-8, but I figured that three verses would be enough for this post. I do find it difficult to live in this world without adopting the world's dominant philosophies like materialism (wanting what others have), humanism (always striving to be the best person you can be), trying to gain power over others, etc. God's will is for us to actually transform our minds so that we think like He does... about people, about possessions, about our whole lives.  When we focus on God, it really does help us to see the world differently and strive for the things that God would have us strive for--righteousness, faithfulness, joy, love, and care about the people he cares about--yeah, that would be everyone.  It is difficult to love people sometimes.  It is difficult to forgive them sometimes, but this is what God has called us to do.  With his strength, I pray that I would be able to love and forgive like Him.  Both are areas I know I need to work on.

Aware, but uninspired

I did get some good sleep last night, and I'm definitely feeling more awake today than I did yesterday.  However, I am also feeling relatively uninspired today.  This post might be boring.

I started reading this book called Tough Girls about perceptions of tough females in popular culture, and how it is becoming more acceptable for women to be tough, and yet how it is still a threat to mainstream ideas about feminism and masculinity.  I don't know how I got on this subject, but I think this book will be an interesting read.

Attitude Adjustment?

Have you ever had one of those days where you know that you are going to be the worst version of yourself?  I think this is one of those days for me.  I did have fun last night...my Community Group (Bible Study) went miniature golfing last night.  Its funny, cause everytime I play, I play terrible on the front nine, and then dominate the back nine.  Last night on the back, I was 4 under par, and had two hole-in-ones.  But my group showed up late, and there I was getting more and more anxious cause they were all 30 minutes late.  So I was up later than I intended, and I didn't get to sleep as quickly as I would have liked, and the final result is that I'm tired, and I know that if I have to deal with any issues today, no matter how small, I might snap.  I either need some caffine, an attitude adjustment, or a nap, whichever comes first.  I'm betting on the caffine.  Maybe that will help my attitude.

Dilemma-2

There's a guy who just moved in across the way.  He is probably 40 something.  About a month ago, he came and knocked on our door.  I wasn't home, but my roommate was, and he asked her if she either knew of anyone who needed a roommate, or if one of us wanted to move in with him.  Well, that kind of creeped her out a little bit.

This guy always sees me carrying my cello to and fro, and he asked me last Sunday as I was getting home where I play.  I told him that I play at church.  We chatted a bit more, and he told me that he would love to come hear me play sometime.

My dilemma is this:  He already knows where I live, and I don't know this guy, don't want to judge him, but I don't know his intentions, don't know anything about him at all.  I do know that I don't want him following me all around if he's weird. 

I'm trying to be nice, and if he isn't a Christian, then I think he should come to church, but at the same time, I don't necessarily want to open myself up to a possible problem.  

Its times like these where I hate being a single female.  I don't know what to do.  I talked to a few of my guy friends down here, and they helped shed some light on the situation.  I think I'm just going to wait and see how sincere this guy was about coming to see me play, but I'm definitely not going to seek him out.  So if he asks me again, then I will give him directions, and then its up to him.   

Any suggestions?  Am I overreacting here?

Nothing in particular

My body is still sore from all the activities I participated in over the weekend.  Last night, I got to see Spiderman 2 (finally!) with the only other person I know in San Diego who also hadn't seen it.  We were both out of town when all our friends went to go see this movie.  We had a good time.  I could tell she wanted to hang out a little more after the movie, so we got hot beverage (non-caffinated) and wandered around the shopping area and chatted about life, God, friendship, love, and forgiveness.  I tend to sacrifice sleep for people sometimes when I know that it is more important for me to be there for someone than to be selfish and go to bed on time.  Plus, I can just take a nap later today, hopefully.
 
It is so fascinating to me that we need friendship and companionship so desperately, and yet, even our closest friends will let us down because we are all imperfect.  Why do we need people when we know they will fail us?  I let other people down all the time.  I know that I can be aloof, apathetic, and insensitive sometimes.  We all have our moments.  Anyway, I'm glad that God's love is perfect, and his love NEVER fails. 

Weekend Fun

Last weekend, I had the priviledge of jamming with my favorite local band--The GTB. Michael had his 30th birthday last week, so we had a party, and that's where the jam took place. There are three members in this band--Garrett, James, and Michael. It was so fun. I am so energized when I get to play with other great musicians. It made the party that much more fun. Garrett said I could perform with them if they ever do acoustic sets. I really hope he asks me. I feel like I passed an audition. I've always wanted to be in a band...

Anyway, I was also very active this weekend. I played Ultimate on Saturday morning, and it was a 4 on 4 game. I ran a lot. And on Sunday, I went to Del Mar and ended up swimming in the Ocean. There was this really strong current that sucked everyone sideways...could have been a rip tide. It was so strong that I could swim at a medium-fast pace and stay in the same place. Anyway, I am pretty tired right now, but it is a good tired feeling.

Poem of the day:
Summer tempo is sleepy like a serpentine river, enjoy the softer rhythm.

Harbor Strings

So I talked to Michael last night about trying to play music at more weddings, and I think this could turn into something.  Michael is the music director at the church I go to, and plays violin, guitar, and piano.  I am at least going to give my name to the PLNU music department.  Of course, it would  start small, but hey, if I got our name out there, put together a website, maybe we could really do some business.  I have all kinds of questions though, like do I need a business license?  I would need to develop policies, a logo, a contract to use for people who want to hire us, a website (woo hoo!) and then figure out if I can afford a hosting fee for a website.  Look at me go, small business owner! 
 
I got so excited about the whole concept that I put together most of the content of a website last night, and I stayed up so late doing it.  Didn't get to sleep until after 1am! Anyway, we would be called the Harbor Strings, and we play weddings, funerals, birthdays, anniversaries, private parties, and any other special occasion where people need live music.  Our mission would be to bring affordable, professional-level, live music to special events in San Diego County.  I was working on the "About" section of the website last night...

Harbor Strings was started by a small group of string players who met at Harbor Presbyterian Church in La Jolla, California.  They decided to band together in 2004 for the sake of all their friends who were getting married and who wanted affordable, live music at their weddings.  Most of the members of Harbor Strings have a classical music background and have played together at church.  We love God, we love music, and we love people. Thanks for looking at our site.

So it hasn't happened yet, but a girl can dream right?  Check out my list of instruments we play:
 
Solo Instruments: Violin, Viola, Cello, Piano, Guitar
Additional Instruments: Bass, Drums, Percussion
Combinations: String Quartet, String Trio, Piano Trio, or any other combination of the instruments listed above
 
This too, may come to pass.  I'm excited!  :)

Romans 10:14-18

But how are they to call on one in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in one of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone to proclaim him? And how are they to proclaim him unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" But not all have obeyed the good news; for Isaiah says, "Lord, who has believed our message?" So faith comes from what is heard, and what is heard comes through the word of Christ. But I ask, have they not heard? Indeed they have; for "Their voice has gone out to all the earth, and their words to the ends of the world."

In the NIV, "proclaim" is translated as "preach" and even though I wasn't at church on Sunday, our preacher talked about "true preaching" based on this passage from Romans. Preaching is not scolding, preaching is not motivating people out of guilt and fear, but true preaching is sharing God's love. Sometimes, that means people walk away feeling convicted, for how can people turn to Christ without acknowledgement that they are sinners?

In my Bible Study, we talked a bit about our pastor's definition of "true preaching." He says Jesus was the "True Preacher" and then launched into his favorite subject--the gospel. It reminded me of the first chapter of John which says:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.

True preachers bring the word of God. We are all called to preach, so bring it.

Small talk

One of my favorite people in Oakland to see when I visit Laurel besides Laurel, her boyfriend--Daniel, and her roommate Rachel, is one of their friends from church, Wade. Wade is currently Daniel's roommate, and one of the nicest guys I have met in awhile. I see him at least once every time I visit Laurel, and even though I don't know him that well, he has become one of my favorite people, probably because of his great sense of humor and his sincerity. Last Sunday, Wade and I had this conversation between services:

"Wade," I said, "Its good to see you!"

"Yo what's up," Wade responded, "How have you been?"

"Good," I replied.

"What have you been up to?" He asked me.

"Oh, nothing much. Just living and working in San Diego," I told him, "Nothing too exciting."

"I would love to move to San Diego," Wade told me, "That or LA."

I got excited, "You should come to San Diego! That would be so fun," I paused, and said, "I would be your friend, Wade."

He laughed, "All right. Well, I gotta go to church."

All right, so it isn't that exciting, just small talk, but you know, it might be fun to write a story with Wade moving down to San Diego, and meeting all the rest of the people I know. I would borrow at least part of Plot 1 suggested by Ryan, and we'll just have to see where this goes.

Time

As I was flying home from Oakland, my watch stopped. I think it was the battery. I have gone for periods of time without my watch, but this time I felt a little lost without it. I don't really have any other clocks. There's not one in my office, and the one my roommate bought for the living room is not accurate because she likes the clock to be 10-15 minutes too fast. Anyway, I think it has to do with my desire to be punctual.

Punctuality is important to me for two reasons, one reason is because my mom used to forget to pick me up from school and so I start getting anxious when other people are late, but also if I am running late for something. The second reason is because of orchestra. We ALWAYS had to be on time, although I don't know what the consequences would have been for tardiness. I did miss out on an audition once in orchestra because mom forgot I had orchestra that night.

I feel like I am a relatively laid-back person, but punctuality is important to me. It's funny, because I don't have to be completely scheduled and organized like some people, like my friend Kathy... who is very organized and likes to control everything in her life. But she has trouble being on time. She's kind of my polar opposite. I guess it takes all kinds...

Conversations-2

"How was your trip?" Dennis asked me as he helped me put my bags in his trunk. Dennis is a friend of mine from church, and he organizes the Ultimate frisbee games that we tend to play on Saturday mornings. He had agreed to pick me up from the airport. I had just flown back from Oakland, where I got to spend some time with Laurel, one of my best friends from college.

"It was good, we had a lot of fun," I replied. "I got to spend some time with one of my best friends from college. She took me to a Sarah MacLachlan concert." I paused for a moment, thinking. "I missed you guys."

Dennis gave me one of those 'you're kidding me right?' looks and I amended my previous statement, "Well, maybe just a little." I showed him how much with my thumb and forefinger.

Dennis was still looking at me, "Just a little bit, huh?"

"Yeah, thanks for picking me up." I said, and settled more comfortably into his passanger seat. "What else did we do..., well, I went to her church and we just did what girls do. You know, stay up real late talking about girl stuff. You know, like a slumber party."

"Girl stuff, huh..." Dennis responded, "I haven't been to a sleep-over in forever."

"So did you have sleep-overs when you were younger?" I asked.

"Oh yeah. But we don't stay up all night talking, its more like we would just mess around." Dennis told me.

"Yeah well, I suppose its different for guys," I stated. "I'll bet there was lots of wrestling, giggling, farting..."

"Yeah," Dennis laughed. "Pranks..." he added.

"Tormenting the first guy who fell asleep..." I also added. "I have brothers, I know what happened.

Dennis laughed again. I laughed a little with him.

I changed the subject, "What did you guys talk about in church? What are we on now, Romans 11?"

Dennis thought about it, "Umm, what did we talk about...Romans 11, uhh...oh yeah, 'saved to works...'" Dennis paused, "You know, we are saved, not by works but for good works."

I shook my head in mock dismay. "Bob, Bob, Bob," I said, "He's always trying to come up with some catchy phrase." Bob is our pastor and is always trying to simplify things for us with catchy phrases. Last week it was 'Gospel in, gospel out.'

Dennis laughed.

"I love how he gets worked up about the gospel," I said, "It's his favorite subject." Bob could preach for hours just about the gospel message. "But he doesn't need to come up with all the catchy phrases."

"Yeah," Dennis added, "The funny thing is that I think he works hard to try and come up with those concepts."

We both laughed. I like Bob. He's a great pastor. He just has his quirks like everyone else.

I changed the subject again. "Did you guys go hiking on Saturday?"

"Yes, we did," Dennis replied. "It was about a 6 and-a-half miler round-trip."

"Where did you guys go?" I asked. "It always bums me out a little when I go away knowing that there was some kind of event planned, like hiking."

"It was almost in the desert off of the 8, but really far. And two people didn't bring any water. It was beautiful, one of those hot summer days, but we were all really thirsty when we were done. We basically ran out of water," Dennis said.

"Oh man, that's a bummer. If I had gone, you probably would have had enough. I usually keep a flat of water in my trunk. And just so you know, I usually have it when we play frisbee too," I informed Dennis. I thought about being thirsty in the desert. "You know," I offered, "It gives new meaning to that verse, 'As the deer panteth for the water so my soul longeth after thee.'" I continued, "I think every Christian needs to have two experiences in order to understand God better...being thirsty in the desert, and then being lost, and found, whether that's by your parents, friends, whatever."

Dennis nodded his head in agreement but didn't say anything.

As we continued driving I pointed to the City Wok, a Chinese restaurant on the left, "Look, Cheri pointed this out...its kind of funny. Get it? City Walk?"

"Oh yeah, that is kind of funny," Dennis replied.

"I love all the neon signs in this part of town," I stated. "Like Hillcrest...Northpark, University Heights...It's unique."

As I continued to point Dennis in the right direction to take me home I told him, "There's a hill coming up that if I were a cross-country runner, I would run up it every day."

Dennis told me, "You're still a cross-country runner."

"No, I'm not," I replied. "I hate running. I only did it to get in shape for soccer and it worked."

I continued to direct him toward the hill. "I refuse to ride my bike down this hill, it's too scary." We started the descent. I told Dennis, "If you drive too fast coming to this hill, you'll bottom out at the bottom."

"Really," he said, "I could see that."

I continued to navigate, "Okay, you are going to turn left after a few blocks."

Dennis said, "I don't think I've come this way before."

"I know," I said. I thought about Dennis and his love of doing unexpected things, 80's music, and high school chemistry, "I decided to take you the wacky route. I figured you'd be down with wacky."

"Yup," he responded.

"Turn here," I said, "My complex is that one right there on the right."

Dennis got out to help me with my bags again. I said, "God bless you brother, thanks for picking me up."

Dennis held out my book bag and put the strap over my head, as if awarding me a medal for an olympic event. In an awkward moment of comraderie he gave me a small shove on the shoulder and said, "Anytime."

We both kind of looked at each other and laughed. I offered him a hug. "Thanks," I said. "I'll see you later."

I walked up the stairs and opened my door, and as I did, I heard a car drive away.

It is good to be home.

That Darn Green Monster...

I had a little battle with that GREEN MONSTER last night...Here's the story:

The employment listings at PLNU come out every few weeks. There was a position on the listing I really wanted to apply for, but I can't because I'm not supposed to try and switch jobs until after I've been here for a year.

The summer has been tough for me because there's not a lot to do for my job. So I'm getting bored because there's nothing to do and no challenges. What do I do with my time? Well, I do what few tasks are required of me, and then I start contemplating my life. I am glad I have a job, but I feel like I should be doing something more with my life than just working in the library and I could use some extra money. I have thought about joining the orchestra, teaching cello lessons, trying to get more paid music gigs...like weddings and parties, starting my Ph.D., taking language courses, or getting more involved in ministry at my church where I have at least two opportunities to serve more, one as an event coordinator for the twenty and thirty-somethings crowd, or as a leader in the kids club ministry that will be starting in the fall. I'm taking votes.

So I explained all this to my mom who got to come out and see where I work and meet all the librarians I work with last night. She was so excited! And so were they. I think we are going to see some collaboration on research projects between APU and PLNU. Then she took me out to dinner, and we had fun, but I was a little depressed about my situation here. My mom dropped me off at my apartment, and then I went on a bike ride.

When I got back from riding, my roommate came home and told me that in her retail sales-associate position, her boss gave her an almost $3,000 dollar bonus yesterday, and a raise in her salary. She is now making twice as much money as I am. I am happy for her, but it frustrates me a little because I'm really struggling to make it here in SD financially. GREEN MONSTER rears its ugly head...at least privately.

I had to remind myself that I do like it here, and I have enough to make it. I am not *technically* living in poverty, and I live in the US. I started telling God how thankful I was for the things he has provided for me. And that made a world of difference.

I'm still struggling, and I would appreciate some prayers this week for guidance and peace with my financial situation.

On a happier topic, I will be going to visit one of my favorite friends, Laurel, this weekend, and so I don't know if I will be posting this weekend or not.

Romans 10:1-11

Brothers and sisters, my heart's desire and prayer to God for them is that they may be saved. I can testify that they have a zeal for God, but it is not enlightened. For, being ignorant of the righteousness that comes from God, and seeking to establish their own, they have not submitted to God's righteousness. For Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes. Moses writes concerning the righteousness that comes from the law, that "the person who does these things will live by them." But the righteousness that comes from faith says, "Do not say in your heart, "Who will ascend into heaven?'" (that is, to bring Christ down) or "Who will descend into the abyss?'" (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead). But what does it say? "The word is near you, on your lips and in your heart" (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); because if you confess with your lips that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For one believes with the heart and so is justified, and one confesses with the mouth and so is saved. The scripture says, "No one who believes in him will be put to shame." (NRSV)

2 Timothy 1:7-9

For God did not give us a spirit of cowardice, but rather a spirit of power and of love and of self-discipline. Do not be ashamed, then, of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner, but join with me in suffering for the gospel, relying on the power of God, who saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works but according to his own purpose and grace. (NRSV)

I can't tell you how many times I have been ashamed of the gospel, fearful of sharing my faith because of what people will think. As I think about these two verses, I am comforted. I should not be ashamed of the gospel because God protects those who believe in him. I will still be tested, and God will give me opportunities to interact with unbelievers. I can only pray that I will be faithful and unashamed when those opportunities come. It is God alone who saves.

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Thursday is probably going to be my "contemplative blog" day because it is the day after my Bible Study. To my faithful readers (namely Ryan and my sister, Megan) thanks for reading. I appreciate your comments. Feel free to ask me questions or offer topics...I'll do my best to answer them.

Conversations-1

"How tall are you?" Michael asked me. Candace, Michael, and I were taking a walk to the pier and back at La Jolla shores, mostly because it was freezing, and we needed to warm up a bit. The beach had been my idea because I finally had a Sunday off of work, but it was cold and windy.

"5'11," I told him, "Well, technically, I'm 5'10" and a half." We had just been talking about relationships...again...and had started conversing about dating and tallness. Candace and Michael had been dating for almost a year, and Michael is only a few inches taller than Candace.

I asked Candace, "Would you ever date anyone shorter than you?"

"No way!" she said. "But I'm shorter than you. That would just be weird. When the guy is shorter than me, it makes me feel less feminine. Would you ever date someone shorter than you?"

"Maybe," I thought about it, "But it would depend on the person. It would take someone who was very confident in his skin. Do you know what I mean by that?" I asked. "Someone who is not intimidated by my height."

Candace and Michael nodded.

I continued, "For example, I have a friend who says, 'I feel so short' everytime he stands next to me. I'm okay with my height, but I've had past insecurities. I had to tell him to stop that cause it was going to hurt my feelings. I can't change how tall I am any more than he can change how tall he is. It makes me feel more insecure when guys are insecure around me."

We walked some more in thoughtful silence. I sighed, "There's a lot of short people in San Diego."

Candace and Michael laughed.

Then I stated,"You would think that there would be some tall athletes at least...I mean, we have a pro-football team, a baseball team, a minor league hockey team...So where are they all? Did they get sucked into the void?"

After we laughed some more there was another thoughtful silence.

"So if you guys have any tall, single, Christian friends..." I let the rest of the sentence hang.

"We'll let you know," Candace replied with a smile.

We got back to where we started. "Anyone up for coffee?" I asked.

Everyone was agreeable because it was freezing and besides, what else do people do when they are in their twenties? Maybe that tall, single, Christian guy will be there...

The Plague

I had to decide whether or not I was going to work this morning and didn't have a whole lot of time to make that decision. I came in and guess what? Two of my co-workers are also out sick with this cold. I might have started it. Anyway, this cold thing is apparently spreading like the plague.

I hate ants...almost as much as bees...

I am still recovering from this cold that I caught, and I did nothing this morning but watch TV. It reminded me of what I used to do when I was unemployed. You know, I may be somewhat bored at my job right now, but you know what? It sure beats unemployment. I am so thankful for my job. And I'm glad that God reminds me occasionally that I am truly blessed.

I was feeling better in the afternoon and decided to do my laundry, mostly because if I didn't, I would have no clean clothes, and my room would be a mess. My laundry always seems to spill out of the basket in my closet and infiltrate my floor...hmmm...sneaky clothes...

When I took my trash out today (result of cleaning spree after I did the laundry) I saw a New King James Version of the Bible sitting on top of the dumpster. I looked in the front cover, and saw that it had been dedicated to someone's friend. It made me sad to see the Bible there because there are so many places in the world where people don't get to read God's word because Bibles are inaccessable, forbidden, or expensive. I don't really need an extra Bible, so I just left it there, figuring that someone might pick it up later. Well, when I was on my way to dinner (Taco Bell....mmmmm) I saw the kids in my complex gleefully ripping out pages of that Bible. It definitely got my hackles up, but I didn't say anything. I was under the impression that most of the families in my complex do attend church, well, not sure, they are probably Catholic, and you would think that they would have some reverence for God's word. These kids are old enough to read. I think I would have been disturbed regardless of what book it was, but because it was the Bible, well, it was even more disturbing.

On a completely different topic, I got attacked by red ants on my way to Taco Bell. I have no idea where they were hanging out, but now I have some lovely red itchy bumps on my feet and legs, and I'm also experiencing "ant paranoia" where you 'think' there are ants crawling all over you even though they aren't. Maybe God is punishing me for neglecting to grab that Bible and donating it somewhere... next time, I'll save the Bible, and give it to someone who can use it...

What is it with sickness and holidays?

So last night, I played cello for that wedding. It was okay. I could have played better, but you know, it wasn't about me, there were two people on stage who committed their lives to each other. Anyway, I'm just getting worse. I didn't go to Newport, or Disneyland, I went to church (because I had to play cello) and then came home and took a two hour nap. I took more meds, so now I'm tired AND bored. I don't have enough energy to do laundry right now. Welcome to my pity party. I really wanted to do something social today, but instead, I'm stuck in my apartment, sick. I really don't want to infect anyone else with my disease. I really do tend to get sick on holidays. I hate it. Why can't I get sick during the week like normal people?

Dilemma

I woke up this morning feeling slightly sick. My throat sort of hurts and my nose is threatening congestion. It is being held at bay by my allergy meds...

Here's the dilemma... my dad really wants me to go to Newport on Sunday, and until this morning, I thought I wanted to go, but with sickness threatening and because of high stress levels, I don't think I want to go anymore. My mom also called last week, and was having difficulty dealing with the fact that she will be alone on the fourth of July because the rest of the family is going to the beach to be with my dad. She wanted to know if I would rather go to Disneyland with her. At this point, I don't want to do either thing. I hate being put in the middle like that. I just want to stay home and sleep. And do my laundry. And everything else that hasn't got done in the last 2 weeks.

Baby Rant: You know, I have never really been a kid person, and the baby that lives behind us is another reason why...this kid screams until about midnight, and then I woke up again this morning at about 7:15am to the sounds of his/her not so melodious screaming. I was planning on sleeping in. Now I can't. I'm still tired.

Bonus news: I got my very first check for a paid gig. They are paying me for the wedding. Its not a lot, but I guess I can say I'm a pro now... :) AND I will be getting paid for the other wedding I'm playing in at the end of July. It would be so cool if I could make a living off of playing my cello. Not going to happen anytime soon, but maybe someday...

Musical Temperament

Yeah, okay, I have pushed myself to the point that I got short-tempered last night with a friend at our rehearsal. Except that when I'm short-tempered I just sort of seeth inside, I don't tend to lash out unless I'm feeling extremely attacked...I forgot to print out the music for Sunday morning even though she e-mailed them to us, and so I had to share with the other guitar player and then transpose all his music cause everything was capo-ed (Capo? how do you turn it into a past tense verb?). Bottom line: I got frustrated with myself. I'm really tired and worn out and facing some high level anxiety about performing my solo this evening for that wedding I'm going to be playing in on Saturday. I also just found out that they have a flute player too, and so now I'm thinking to myself, "Why don't they just have her play the song?" because it was really written for flute or violin. Anyway, I'm out of time to practice, and I have to perform tonight.

When I take a step outside of myself right now, I'm really intrigued by how quickly my anxiety is escalating the closer it gets to performance time. I just read a book about the Musical Temperment (1996) and the author, Anthony E. Kemp, uses various studies to show that in general, musicians tend to have higher levels of anxiety than others, are more sensitive, are more introverted, and tend to be more independent. He wanted to see if it was true that people who play the same instruments have similar temperaments. According to this study, there was some truth to that. Here's what they say about cellists:

Ben-Tovim and Boyd (1990) maintain that the cello requires a quiet and reflective intelligence and work that is equally conscientious and sustained as that required by the violin. They also suggest that cellists are often of a shy temperament. The 34 cellists in my research very much confirmed these suggestions, displaying significant levels of introversion over and above that shown by all the string players. In fact, they emerged as even more aloof than the rest of the string players who, as we have seen were already characterized by aloofness. Their other trait, also associated with introversion, was self-sufficiency which emerged along with a definite level of astuteness. This is an interesting combination: the cellist's introversion combines with a social awareness, two qualities that, at face value, do not relate well together. Perhaps Ben-Tovim and Boyd have an important insight in this respect when they suggest that cellists are characterized by a 'quiet and unstressed sociability.'

Interesting.

Romans 9:11-16

Even before they had been born or had done anything good or bad (so that God's purpose of election might continue, not by works but by his call) she (Rebekah)was told, "The elder shall serve the younger." As it is written, "I have loved Jacob, but I have hated Esau." What then are we to say? Is there injustice on God's part? By no means! For he says to Moses, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion." So it depends not on human will or exertion, but on God who shows mercy. (NRSV)

We discussed this passage and the rest of Romans 9 at my Bible Study last night. Good thing I paid attention in church last Sunday (well, not really, I fell asleep during the sermon). As it is with all discussions about this sort of thing, we came to the conclusion that this is one of those issues we will never understand...who are we to question God? We also decided that God's justice and mercy are better understood when we understand that the starting point with God is condemnation. Once we realize that we are condemned, and there's nothing we can do about it but turn to Christ, that's when we appreciate God's grace and mercy.

My favorite quote of the evening: "God is not fair, but he is just."
My friend Brenda said that, but seeing as how she is in seminary right now, she is probably quoting someone else. :)

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Results of our icebreaker OR fun facts about people in my Bible Study:

Roy counted bats for a summer before he became a doctor.
Melissa would like to do a triathalon but can't swim.
Jeff weighs 145 pounds (and he's about 5'10")
Cheri's ex-boyfriend is now a communist.
Patrick arm-wrestled the US Women's Champion Arm-Wrestler.
Julie likes to play games.
Brenda...well, I can't remember what her fun fact was.
And me, well, I have blue scar on the palm of my hand from a bike crash.