Who are you?

I am mentoring a student right now, and we've come to the part in the curriculum where I have asked her to write a two page essay entitled, "Who are you?" I decided that I might want to do the same. So here goes:

I care about the past, because it impacts both the present and the future. I don't think you can fully understand a person or their viewpoints unless you know their history. I tend to ask a lot of questions of people about their past because this is what enables me to relate to them.

I am flexible. I like to be in new places, meet new people, and try new things...to a certain point. However, because I am adaptable, I hate committing to things. If I make commitments, they are strong, and for the most part, I try not to make them-- I must be heavily persuaded. But once I make a commitment, I am completely reliable and loyal.

I like to read. A lot. Through my reading, I collect new information and ideas. I love ideas. I have a lot of them. This is why the library is a good place for me to work. I can collect information and ideas that I am able to pass on to others. I don't feel the need to act on any of my ideas. I simply like them because they are creative, different, or because they give me a different way of looking at the world. I love poetry because of the ideas. My favorite songs are the ones with profound lyrics. Sometimes, whether the advice is asked for or not, I will bombard you with ideas. This unsolicited advice can be annoying sometimes to other people around me, and I have had to learn to curb it, and wait for when people do ask me for advice.

I also tend to think a lot about things. I need a great deal of solitude--thinking time--in order to function with other people around. If you really want to reach out to me, or have a meaningful conversation with me, then ask me what I'm thinking, and don't let me cheat by giving you some kind of vague or superficial answer, which I will do if I don't trust you, or if I perceive you don' t really want to know, or that you don't have the time to listen. This is how I test people sometimes. Persistence will get you a real answer and show me that you really do care. The negative of all this thinking is that I live a lot in my head, and it can be a lonely place.

My faults are many. I am stubbornly independent, don't like to ask for help, don't like to take risks, and have a deeply rooted fear of failing. I am selfish, especially with my time. I toe the line between having self-confidence and being insufferably proud. And while I am self-assured in a lot of ways, I am insecure in others.

I don't really see myself as a passionate person and it took me a long time to realize that I have a passion for music. Not for playing it perfectly, but just playing, being challenged to bring it to the next level, sharing it with others, and making it something beautiful. I like orchestral music because it challenges my skill, and I get depressed when no one is able to come to a concert that I've worked really hard on. I have to be able to show people what I can really do. Orchestra is my proving ground.

Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without God's touch on my life. I am his child. He has a plan and purpose for my life. He made me who I am. If he hadn't been a part of my life, I would have a completely different set of friends, a completely different job, a different kind of education, and possibly even different passions in life.

This is the part of the essay where I really need to come up with some kind of conclusion, but I'm not feeling it today. My loyal readers may write one in the comments if they would like.

Sunday Musings

I have a friend who has managed to create conflict with me and every single one of my close friends here in San Diego. Does he realize we all talk to each other because:
A) we're girls and we do that and
B) we are all friends with each other?

Should I say something to him? I think I just want to leave it alone. I don't want to create more dissension.

So last week at church, I was singing a song I actually wrote, and when it came time to sing the third verse, I forgot all the words. As soon as I walked away, I remembered them all. So I figured I should sing it again this week to redeem myself.

I need to write some new songs. It takes discipline, luck, and a good dose of inspiration. Its hard to write when I'm feeling so downtrodden. Things are just so busy, and it depresses me that I need so much time to write. I have a "sort-of" idea, but what I have written so far sounds really cliche to me.

I need some inspiration. And maybe a vacation.

Anxiety Dream?

I had a dream last night that my cello was falling apart at the major seams, right before a big performance. That's the first scary cello dream I had. For some reason, I don't think it could have been fixed. Umm, let's not read TOO much into this one.

Adversity

For D-

God has a plan
We don't always understand
We are called to perservere
And do our best
Without fear of failure
or the future
or the unknown.

Sometimes our dreams die in spite of our best efforts
Because they are OUR dreams, not God's.
It is through adversity we learn to succeed
Knowing that we can do nothing,
And that we are broken
Because then we learn that our success is not our own
And is given to us by God alone.

And sometimes, when we think all is lost
Yet trust in Him who is infinitely able,
We achieve more than we could have dreamed,
And count it a miracle.

Homework

I'm trying to do homework right now, and its depressing. I need to go to the grocery store to do this. And I have to pay attention to details. Two of my least favorite activities. I'm feeling like a bit of a failure today. I can't even post a decent response to the class discussion board. My mom thinks I'm being too hard on myself. I really don't feel like I'm doing all that great in one of my classes, and the reality of trying to pick a topic for a long paper has set in somewhat.

I did spend some time today with a friend of mine that I've known since kindergarten. It was fun. We did touristy things in San Diego. Like visit Seaport Village. We had lunch down there and just wandered.

I'm also going to a b-day party for one of the church ladies at church tonight. I have to leave in 5 minutes. I didn't really get any homework done. Just stressed myself out more by looking at my assignments. I am actually going to have to take a day off next week to do school work. I don't see myself having time to get everything done that needs doing.

Yesterday, I went home to spend some time with my dad. It was actually fun. He has a new puppy and she's so fun. She was a great distraction.

Today's Mantra: Don't panic, be calm...

Reality of School

Printing like crazy to try and read a bunch of stuff tonight. Sad. I'm ditching my Bible Study tonight to study for school. I'm not going to have time to read this weekend really though.

My pile of printed articles is quite high. And depressing.

Today's mantra: Higher Education is a choice.

Nice Day

Today was so busy. I had a ton of stuff to do at work, and I'm not done yet. It can wait til tomorrow. I'm so glad that I don't have a stressful job. It matters that I do my work, but what I do is not life or death. Things can be put off to a certain extent. The danger is not taking advantage of those opportunities.

And it is such a nice day. I have to come back to my office later to do some school work tonight. That's okay. But I think I'm going to go and continue to try and break in my new running shoes. I like them. I hate breaking shoes in.

I just finished reading Brennan Manning's the Ragamuffin Gospel. It is one of those books that I've been meaning to read for awhile. I really liked it. I can see why others are so drawn to his work. I don't have time to ruminate at the moment on this, but it may show up later this week.

I also have been working on a new song for the kiddies. But I'm trying to write something that would be more profound. The music I write should be able to stand on its own sometimes, so I'm trying to write a GOOD song. Something that I'm proud of. I have a concept and a few lines of lyrics that I like so far, but it is nowhere near ready for the music part. I'm trying to finish it in the next two weeks. I'm hoping that I'll find some free time to sit and reflect and write this week.

L-Thanks for the good times Monday night. I really miss hearing your perspective on my life. It helps me.

I'm off to enjoy the sunset. West, over the ocean. :)

Feeling Blessed

I'm feeling blessed in spite of the stress. I'm doing homework at the library. It is a beautiful day outside. I would rather be outside. But I'm thankful because I get a nice view of the ocean from my office, which is where I'm working. Plus I have turned the volume up on my computer and I'm listening to music while I work, which NEVER happens during the week since I work in a library and my office has no ceiling. So basically, anyone can hear what I do in my office-- listen to music, talk on the phone, yeah. Awkward. It just means I have to keep my voice down. I have definitely perfected my indoor voice.

I'm seeing a movie with one of the high schoolers in my high school Bible Study this afternoon. It will be my first movie in the theater since Narnia came out.

I have a three day weekend, and its amazing that I do so much better when I feel like I have the time to accomplish all the things I have to get done.

Month in Review

I spent about 30 minutes this morning just studying my planner. What I'm finding is that there is a direct correlation between planner usage and my stress level.

So, here are the updates and lessons learned from the month:

1. Resolved that conflict with my friend. We are still speaking to each other, and lately, we have almost approached pre-conflict levels of communication. I'm so glad its over! I think we also both got busy, so there's less time spent together, and more time spent apart, so that when we DO get to see each other, we are both glad.

The lesson: its okay to have conflict, conflict does not automatically mean the end of a relationship and it takes time sometimes for things to settle into resolution.

2. Grad School is hard. And I have another 3 years to go.

Not a lesson per se, but a reminder: It is never profitable to procrastinate. Get things done when I have the time, or I will be MORE stressed and less productive.

3. There was a definite deepening in the relationship that I have with a good friend of mine. We are still learning to trust each other, and yet, we have a pretty good friendship. I'm excited to see what becomes of us. It is good to have friends to cry with.

The Lesson: Don't let go of friends like these.

4. This kind of goes along with number 3. Reconnected with a guy I really like. We have a long history together. He is such a quality guy, and so far, I like everything about him. We NEVER should have lost touch in the first place. It does take time and effort to make these kinds of relationships work.

The Lesson: When you find quality people, don't let go. See the same lesson above. Make the effort to communicate, and don't let distance be a factor to good friendships.

Anyway, I feel like grad school has only magnified and intensified the issues I face in my life. It has made me appreciate free time even more. It has made me appreciate my friends more. I am overwhelmed, and I know it. This alone has made me appreciate God more, and trust that yes, this really is a part of the plan He has for my life.

Can I get some stats on this please?

I spent about 30 minutes this morning just studying my planner. What I'm finding is that there is a direct correlation between planner usage and my stress level.

Anyway, I feel like grad school has only magnified and intensified the issues I face in my life. It has made me appreciate free time even more. It has made me appreciate my friends more. I am overwhelmed, and I know it. This alone has made me appreciate God more, and trust that yes, this really could be a part of the plan He has for my life.

More NFL Europe

Duncan played in another scrimmage today, this is a different scrimmage than the one in the previous post, which took place a few days ago. Anytime he gets a mention, its good!

From the Frankfurt Galaxy website:

Also looking sharp were the tight ends. Duncan Reid, Keith Willis, and Sean
McHugh all hauled in one catch each, with Reid making a fantastic completion
from quarterback Bryson Spinner.

NFL Europe (Go Duncan!)

From the Frankfurt Galaxy website:

Also looking sharp [in a scrimmage] was quarterback Bryson Spinner, who
connected with Duncan Reid on a 45-yard bomb, putting the Galaxy in position for
an eventual touchdown. The field conditions were less than perfect, with many
players losing their footing.

"It's tough when you drop back you can lose your footing or get caught in a
divot, so you have to be careful," said Spinner. "The ball was in a good spot
for him to go get it, and he did. He made a great play."

Holding on...

I stayed up way too late doing homework last night. I'm averaging about 6.5 hours of sleep each night. That's on the low side for me. And last night was about the 4th or 5th night in a row for me. I'm gonna crash this weekend. It is so nice not having anything on my agenda, but I have to make it through to Friday.