Facing fear through music

My 12 year old cello student had a breakdown tonight. She was frustrated and started crying. As she did, I started asking some questions and had the opportunity to hear my own fears reflected back at me. "I don't want to do this audition, what if I fail?" "It's too hard, what if I can't do it?"

I still face those exact fears or a version of them quite often. It was a strange experience to actually hear my own fears voiced exactly by a 12 year old.

I put my arms around her and asked her, "Do you like music?" "Do you really love it?" She said, "Yes." And then I told her that the last thing I wanted to do as a teacher was to steal her joy in music. I told her it would be hard sometimes. But overall, I wanted her to love it.

What I didn't say, but wanted to, was that failure is to just give up. That auditions are always scary, no matter how old you are. That the practicing can be dreary and difficult. But that its worth it in the end.

How do you teach someone who hasn't ever played music with others that sharing the music is the point? That there's also joy in learning how to play with a group, and that you can find friendship and community there?

I know from personal experience that passing an audition and getting into a group to play with others is one of the best experiences ever.

I also know from personal experience how devastating failing an audition can be. And I have failed many.

For some reason, I keep playing. I am in the process of trying to find my joy again, and learning to refute the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough, that I will always fail...

It's not true. And that voice in my head is a big fat jerk.

Unsent - 2

Is this a conversation I should have in person? or could I just mail it in? or should I just leave it unsent / unspoken?:

I have been wanting to have a serious talk with you for a couple of weeks here, because I like you a lot. And I am pretty sure I am reading the situation correctly right now, but I am fairly certain that you just want to be friends right now. I thought I’ve seen flashes of interest in something more from you, but lately, I am pretty sure you just want a friendship with me. I get the sense that you are holding back, so I have been holding back too. I am really good at friendship, and terrible about moving forward from there. So I needed to say that just in case you were interested in something more. 

I have also wanted to share a bit about my past... 

The thing I haven’t talked much about is my relationship history. When we first started talking, I felt kind of intimidated by you because you had dated so many people. I haven’t really dated all that many. I have never had a boyfriend. I look back at prime time for dating, which is high school and college for most people, and I was going through so much crap with my family that I didn’t really have the emotional capacity to deal with any kind of other relationships. On top of that, I was tall and shy, but also knew what kind of person I was looking for, which was someone who was intelligent, kind, mature, and who also believed in God. That’s a hard combo to find in high school, and even in college. Heck, that’s kind of a hard combo to find now. 

Anyways. I just wanted to write this out, because I wanted to tell you these things. I love being your friend, and I am perfectly okay with staying in that place. And I don’t want things to get awkward because I end up liking you more than you like me. But if you think there’s a chance for something more, I need to know... even if it still might not be right away. I do want to experience being in a long-term romantic relationship with someone. And if that’s not you, then I will adjust my expectations and shift my attention a bit. I want to also thank you for not leading me on, you’ve been great that way. An upstanding gentleman if you will. So thanks for reading. 

Whatever you’ve decided, we’ll be friends either way, promise.

Dating.

I am sort of dating this guy right now who sometimes seems interested, but then most of the time acts like we're just gonna be friends. I think he's holding back so I'm holding back. I kinda want to know if he thinks we have a chance, but if I want to know, then I'm the one who is going to have to bring it up. Can't decide if I should bring it up or just sort of give up...

Updates

Things have been a bit busy for me, especially since I picked up a few more music students. I now have seven students on my roster, and I think for now, that's enough. I'm now having to figure out things like "how do I pay  my quarterly self-employment tax?" Thankfully, there's a lot of info online, and a friend of mine works for the IRS. I think I can handle it.

I recorded a few songs for some friends of mine, and both projects turned out great! I can only put up a link to one of them because the other isn't quite ready to go yet. So this recording is by Jacob Furr, and he plays guitar for me at church. I basically told him I wanted to record, and so I did. His album was just released, and you should purchase it. It's only $5, and you get to hear me play cello on one of the tracks. 

I decided to take the morning off this morning to get my piano tuned. This has been a long time coming. The tuner also fixed my pedal stand (which was unstable) and my lid (which was missing a screw) as well as my sticky keys. It sounds so much better, and now I actually want to play. I haven't played it in so long because the out-of-tuneness hurt my soul. I tried playing a bit of Beethoven today, and wow, I'm REALLY out of practice. My hands felt really stiff in terms of the stretchiness you need to play piano. Actually, I take that back. My left hand is fine (that's the one cellists use for fingering) but my right hand is very inflexible. I'm hoping to change that and/or take voice lessons, which requires the use of a piano. So yay!

Last week I had the following conversation after practice with a TCU freshman who sings in the church choir:
A: So when are we going to hang out?
Me: You mean like have lunch or dinner or something?
A: Yeah.
Me: Well, do you like to walk? We can go walking after practice. I don't live far from here...
A: Do you like, have a kitchen and everything?
Me: Yes...
A: Could we maybe make dinner & stuff?
Me: Sure... next week?
A: Yeah!
Me: What do you want to eat cause I know you're picky...
A's boyfriend: Spaghetti!
Me: Okay, I can make that, we can have some salad too, and maybe brownies and ice-cream for dessert.
A: I LOVE ice-cream! Can we actually make the brownies from scratch?
Me: Sure. I have a mixer.
A: That's totally cheating. You have to mix it by hand.
Me: No it's not. The mixer is awesome.
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Anyhow. That's how the conversation went. I had forgotten how great having food at someone's house can be when you live in a dorm, and eat in the dining hall.

So I made the sauce this morning. Had to call my mom for the recipe. I'm looking forward to this evening.