Walking

Someday my friend,
We'll go walking again,
Talk about where we've been,
What we've seen,
How we've grown,
What we've learned
As we walked alone,
And how much better
It is to walk together
No matter where we go.

Christmas Lights

One of my favorite memories as a child is looking at the Christmas lights that were hanging outside my window. The lights my parents used were big and colorful. Green, blue, and red were the colors that I could see outside my window.

My neighbors hung their lights today. Our house is one of the brightest on the street! They remind me of winters past, fires in the fire place, cookies, and hot chocolate.

This winter so far has been stressful and lonely and the lights remind me of home as well.

So many people these days put their lights up because it is tradition, without really thinking about what they represent. Because of all the lights, I was reminded that they represent the star that the magi saw long ago on the first Christmas night. It led them to Jesus.

The Messiah

For the last three years, I have played The Messiah by Handel. It's most famous song is the "Hallelujah Chorus." I'm always playing so I never really pay attention to the words. This year I tried to pay more attention. This is an awesome and inspiring piece of music that tells the story of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection. I have to say, it is hard to play with gladness when you lose your music right before a performance. But God's grace abounds, especially when one of the other cellists runs to retrieve an extra copy from the music building (which is located across campus) in a tux. He made it back right before we tuned.I had friends and family show up, and in my opinion, this was the best performance we've done since I have been playing with this group.It was beautiful. I feel encouraged.

The Cousins

Thanksgiving with the fam is an interesting experience every year. Every year, I usually say I don't want to go home. The thought of having to deal with the repricussions of my parent's divorce every year during the holidays fills me with tension and anxiety. Some of my cousins usually annoy me every year, mostly because they are immature. But this year was different.

This year, their mom (whom my brothers and sister and I were all scared of growing up) kind of threw a "not talking to anybody" fit. She barely said hi to anyone and left earlier than everyone else.

She did not even really say "hi" to her kids. One of her kids is engaged, and she doesn't like his fiance. Another one is dating this guy that smokes, and she doesn't like him either. Both the fiance and the date were there tonight. So she chose to ignore everyone (the entire family!!) rather than participating in the evening's events.

I actually had fun, but I was struck by how both of these cousins sounded like their mom was really hurting their feelings by not respecting their choices, and I feel for them. Sometimes you just need to know that your parents love you, no matter what. And that when kids grow up, the parents just need to let go and try to be supportive as long as these choices aren't life threatening.

I think that in spite of their outgoing and sometimes eccentric behavior, my cousins are very courageous for taking a stand against their mom, and following their hearts.

Shooting Star

I got home late tonight. This is not unusual. I was kind of irritated that I had to drive around the block to find a parking spot...this is the one not-so-great thing about living in CA. There is very little parking. Anyway, as I was walking from my car to my house, I saw a long shooting star. I have not seen one in quite awhile. I have been in sort of a motivational slump lately, and it has been difficult to get things done for both school and work. I started to think that it was interesting that people make wishes on shooting stars when the stars or meteors are really self-destructing. But because shooting stars are both beautiful and rare, and I got to see one, it gave me a little bit more hope. I was glad I got to see it.

Violin in the Morning

I think I am a little anxious today. I woke up this morning from an anxiety dream... one of the ones where I really needed to open my eyes, but couldn't. It was frustrating.

When I was finally able to wake up, it was much later than I thought I would sleep. It was awesome to wake up to hear my roommate practicing on her violin. I knew she was good, but I haven't heard her play, until this morning.

So I went to pick up a duet for us to work on. I bought a Beethoven duet for violin and cello. This will be good for both of us.

Saturday

Spent a lot of time on my own this weekend. I had to write a paper. So I managed to finish it at about 11:30pm. Then I tried to sleep. The temperature kept dropping, and it was getting colder and colder. Then it started to rain. My feet were freezing, but I was wearing socks, flannel pajama pants, a long sleeved t-shirt, and I had two blankets. After about an hour of non-sleeping, I finally got up, put a sweatshirt on, took the socks off, and turned on the hot water in the bathtub. I warmed my feet up in the bath, while wearing all my clothes, and then dried them thoroughly. Then I put some wool socks on. I'm not quite sure why I was so cold, but after all that, I was finally able to sleep.

In thinking over this situation, maybe it would not be a wise decision to move out of state. My true CA intolerance for cold would be a severe limitation.

Wow, I'm grumpy

I'm feeling sick today, so I stayed home from work. Tonight, I went out to try and find some Sudafed for nighttime, with the Pseudoephedrine (or however you spell that) still in it. Well, since all that stuff is behind the counter, I couldn't exactly tell what it was that I wanted. Had a not-so-fun time trying to explain to the lady behind the counter what I wanted which was any Sudafed product that would help me sleep. So it couldn't say "non-drowsy" on it. Well, they didn't have any. So I decided to go with a Tylenol product instead. Then the lady tells me she needs to see my driver's license, which I left in the car. Went back to get it, and then came back in, and showed my ID and then paid for my drugs. When I got home and actually looked at the package, it turns out that I accidently bought the daytime stuff. I'm so frustrated. I'm not going back. But I need medication. I might not be sleeping well tonight.

Idiotic Moment of the Day

...so that you all might have a laugh and feel better about yourselves...

Yeah. So I was driving to Taco Bell to pick up dinner for me and my coworker, and I was listening to my music in the car on the way, thinking about how intense the last hour was...because the San Diego City Council was meeting on our campus that night, and the opening speaker and entourage walked into the library looking for a fax machine to receive the speech in time for the presentation which was 30min away at that point. I ended up lending them mine, and got to talk to the entourage about their plan to combat homelessness, which was being presented for approval by the city council this evening...but I was thinking about how intense they all were. And then I wished I had worn a suit or something today.

So I was thinking about all this while driving, plus trying to memorize a new song. I arrived at Taco Bell, took one look at the drive through and decided I would go inside instead. So I opened my car door, got out, locked it, and shut it. THEN I realized that my keys were still in the ignition and the car was running. Yup. That was my idiotic moment of the day.

Have you realized that there seems to be a steady disappearance of pay phones??? Where did they all go? I had to use one to call my coworker to come bail me out because my phone, wallet, ID, cello, and a guitar (just thought I'd throw the guitar in for kicks...) were all still in the car. I had to walk across the street to the Denny's, which seemed to be the only place on the entire block with a payphone. Good thing I had some change in my pocket.

Anyway, I managed to call my coworker, who called the auto club (thanks triple A!!!) and they came and unlocked my door. But yeah. That's what I did tonight.

See ya all later.

Walking

Went for a walk tonight, and talked to a friend of mine on the phone while I was walking. I walk this route all the time, so I wasn't paying attention to how far I had gone. All of a sudden, I looked around and did not recognize any landmarks. At first I thought I had walked too far, and then I realized that I hadn't quite walked far enough.

There's a metaphor lurking somewhere in this post... if only I could find it...

I'm a pessimistic dater

I had a great talk with a guy I haven't talked to for a few months last night. I really like him. I would date him. I don't think he's interested though. I have somewhat of an un-optimistic view of dating relationships. I'm convinced they will never work. I'm definitely pessimistic and cynical about them. And all I can do in these kinds of situations is just let them be.

The Most Random Monday Ever!

8:00am
Shoot! My alarm didn't go off again. DANG IT!!!

8:15am
Still deciding what to wear... tan cords with a red sweater? Or khaki's and green?

8:20am
Kahki's and green.

8:22am
Paid the rent...the landlady lives next door, and is somewhat adamant about having us pay on the 1st of the month. I paid today, cause the 1st was a Sunday, she couldn't have cashed the check on the 1st anyway.

8:25am
I finally leave my house.

8:45am
Arrive at work.

9:00am - 11:30am
Working.

11:31am
My phone rings. Its a girl I don't know asking if I want to go to the Tonight Show. She is new and the girl who was supposed to go with her cancelled. I waver on my decision.

11:40am
Asked my boss if I could go. We have to leave at noon.

11:45am
He said yes.

NOON
Got in my car, met this girl, WHOM I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE and started driving. To LA. Seriously. Who does this?

Yup. Went to the tonight show. With Jay Leno. This afternoon. I can't believe I did that. What was I supposed to be doing you might ask? Writing a paper.

Will I regret this decision tomorrow? Absolutely. Did I have fun? Yes.
Have I even started my paper? NO.

DANG IT!!!

but I had fun.

Reminds me of when my friend Ryan O. aka "freak of the weak" kidnapped me from going to class when we were in college and we went and saw Star Wars in the Arlington Theator in SB instead. Except that I at least knew Ryan, and I had never met this girl. Anyway. So that was my day. The most random Monday ever.

Being vs Doing

I'm in a pensive mood at the moment-- problem solving in my head, and reviewing the events of the past week, my goals for the future, and basically evaluating my current state of being.

I really want to go for a walk, but I wish I had someone to call to come with me.

I thought I wanted to just "be" this evening, cause I'm really tired, and I'll probably go to bed early. But at the same time, I sort of wish there were people around.

I have been too busy this week, and I am disheartened by all the time I spend "doing." But if I'm not "doing," then I am bored.

I understand why we are called to rest, because it is tiring to be constantly busy. And right now, I have too much on my mind to even try to rest.

This week, I feel like I've lucked into a very unexpected friendship, and it both encourages me and challenges me at the same time.

More Changes

Everything seemed to be going well, and then all of a sudden, my car required a lot more work. Looks like I'm going to have to buy one in the next year. I really want to get something I love, but I cannot afford a large car payment right now.

Random name generator

This site totally made me laugh today. Basically, you tell the generator what kind of name you want it to generate. You can choose options like goth, transformer, wrestler, fairy, rapper, and hillbilly.

Check it out: http://www.behindthename.com/random/

I kind of liked my rapper name.--Notorious Money Busta-X

Conversation With the Random Tow-Truck Guy That Towed My Car

Me: Rascal Flatts always has one really sad ballad on each of their albums.

Tow-truck guy skips to a track called "What hurts the most": You don't think this one's sad?

Me: Well, that one's sad too, but its not a ballad in the traditional ballad sense...actually, now that I think about it, the whole CD is sad. All the songs are about break-ups. Its the post break-up CD.

Tow-truck guy: Why do think I'm listening to it?

Me: Oh, did you just break up with someone?

Tow-truck guy: Yeah, three months ago. And it happened just like in the song.

[On the radio: What hurts the most, is being so close, and havin' so much to say...]

Tow-truck guy: Ooooohhh, I really had a lot to say...

[The song continues: And watching you walk away...]

Tow-truck guy: YEAH. That's exactly what happened.

Me: What happened?

Tow-truck guy: She just left. Started dating some other guy.

Me: How long were you together?

Tow-truck guy: A year.

Me: That stinks.
-------------------------------------------------------
Maybe it is easier sometimes to talk about stuff with random people you will never see again. Then again, we were on kind of a road trip. My car broke down on the 15, in Wildemar. I was on my way to my parents' house because I was having car problems, so the breakdown wasn't completely unexpected. But tow-truck guy had to tow me 60 miles into LA County, where my parents live. Good times.

Also, tow-truck guy loved Rascal Flatts, and had no problem belting out the lyrics to the songs he knew in front of a complete stranger. It was refreshing to meet someone who had so much self-assurance. It made me smile.

Things I miss

Playing with the uptown band, family dinners, playing frisbee, good friends, vacations, summertime, swimming, October--the month of, long walks with a dog, sunsets in Santa Barbara, Blenders, hangin' with my brothers, serious conversations with my friends.

Musician's Rant

To those of you who want to hire musicians for weddings, parties, & such,

You may be wondering why we (the musicians) charge you so much. Let me break it down:

Song-Selecting/Preperation: 1 hour
Rehearsal time: 2-3 hours
Sound-Set Up: 30min-1 hour
Prelude: 20min-30min depending
Wedding Ceremony or Party Time: 30min- 3 hours
Sound Tear-down: 30min-1 hour

So. I'm feeling a little frustrated as a paid musician. Please pay us what we're worth. You do the math.

Goals for now

Things I'm going to start doing differently:
1. Inviting people over for dinner twice a month for family night
2. Calling my family more often
3. Following through on relationships-- calling people I know I should be calling more often
4. Walking 3 times a week at least
5. Be more willing to commit to things.

Red Robin

I went to visit my parents last weekend on Saturday. My mom and I ate at the Red Robin that used to be where my friends and I always hung out when we were in high school. It all started with my 16th birthday...My mom threw me a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was at my dad's house, when my mom knocked on the door. She said I had left something in her van. So I went to check it out, and all my friends were in the van. We drove to Red Robin and had dinner.

There happened to be a cute server serving us that night, and I didn't think he was that cute, but all my friends did. The result of this was that we continued to go to Red Robin in hopes of seeing this guy, which eventually led to one of my friends getting a job there when she turned 16 in November of that same year.

Well, she's still working at the Red Robin. I ran into her with my mom at lunch on Saturday. It was so fun to catch up and hear what's up in her life, and in the lives of my other friends from high school.I was always the independent one. I was the only one of that group to go away to college. Everyone else stayed in town. They all still hang out with each other. I don't think I could have stayed there, but I'm glad that I'm slowly reconnecting.

Chances

I helped our pastor and assistant pastor interview a candidate for a youth director position we have at church. When I envisioned the kind of person who would be good for this position, it was not this guy's personality. He is young and inexperienced, but genuine, honest, and compassionate. We are going to have to teach him some things, and hopefully we'll be able to learn from each other.

And maybe it isn't about what we (the pastors and I) thought we needed, but what God knows we need. I think this guy's compassion and genuineness might be exactly what we need in a youth director.

He wants to grow, and anyone who is willing to grow and learn is worth the investment. I know I was inexperienced once, and someone was willing to give me a chance. That's how you get experience.

Summertime

On this wistful August day,
I watch the sunset in sadness,
Knowing that summer is slowly fading away.
The whimsical breeze grows cold,
As the chill of fall takes hold.
With regret I wish,
This once,
That it would last a little longer...

Summertime

Why do I do this to myself?

I'm having drama at the moment. Mostly in my head. Cause here's what happened.

I asked a guy if he wanted to play guitar with me for a wedding in about 3 weeks. We are friends (supposedly). After I left a message, I saw him at church on Sunday night, and asked if he got my message. He said he did, and asked how soon I needed to know his availability. I told him, "monday, or tuesday at the latest."

Then on Monday, I started to think about it. Lately, everytime I've been around him, it has been just weird and awkward, almost like I'm imposing on his life or something, like I'm never in focus, but always in the perimeter. And it made me want to take back my invite to him to play. I was kind of hoping he wouldn't call me back.

I didn't hear back from him at all yesterday (tuesday) and he hadn't seemed that interested when I talked to him on Sunday, so last night, (still tues) I asked someone else to play with me, who was very excited about it and ready to bring some ideas to the table.

Then this morning, guy number one emails me: "hey, I can play the wedding, when can we rehearse, I'm a great guitar player" He was trying to be funny. I emailed him back and said, "you didn't get back to me soon enough, I asked someone else already, sorry." He emailed me back and said, "um, ok."

So now I'm feeling bad about the whole situation. I HATE DRAMA!!!

Music Stories

I was just thinking about how there are still a few moments in my life where I wonder what would have happened if? I've written about this before, but I was thinking about one of those today.

My mom forgot to take me to an orchestra rehearsal one night. I was in high school, but most of the kids in the orchestra were in junior high. I was trying to get into the symphony that was sponsored for the same group, and there just wasn't enough space for me.

After I waited at home for an hour (in vain) for my mom to come home and drive me over to the rehearsal, I started to cry. Punctuality for orchestral musicians is important.

I completely missed that rehearsal, and I found out later that my stand partner got into the symphony that night because someone else had dropped out. It would have been me if I had been able to audition because I was the better sight-reader.

I was talking about this incident with a friend today, and it still upsets me that I missed that rehearsal. I really need to let it go.
-------------------------------------------------
Then I started thinking about whether I would ever take music lessons again. I think I would if I had the time and money. I think a potential instructor might ask me what my goals would be, and I wouldn't be able to articulate them.

I might put on a recital next year sometime near my birthday, but it is a daunting task. The pieces I'd like to play are challenging. I got a raised eyebrow when I told the director of the orchestra I'm in what pieces I wanted to play. He underestimates my ability. Mostly because I'm not reaching my potential. :)

If I truly put some good effort into the pieces in orchestra, I would be the best player in my section.

It can't get any worse, can it?

I am taking a web design class this summer, which I really want to do well in, and I still really want to know how to design well. But the odds have been stacked against me from the beginning. First, I went out of town, got an extension on my first assignment. Then, I had surgery, and was out of it for a week, but I still feel like I'm trying to catch up. Last week, I spent A LOT of time on my homework only to have my newish computer completely die on me yesterday. I took it back where I bought it (and an extended warranty...thankfully) but they are going to have to keep it for a week. And now, I have to configure my computer at work so that I can get my homework done. I am not a bad student, and all my excuses are completely valid...actually, I didn't even ask for any additional time after I had my surgery. I just constantly feel like I can't catch up. I'm also kind of tired and exhausted which is adding to my feeling of defeat.

My mind is on overdrive...

There's so much going on in my life right now. I haven't been blogging because I've been so busy! But this blog is something that I want to be able to come back to and see where I've been and who I'm becoming.

I am becoming a more anxious person.
I always think that I'm going to be less busy in the summer, but that is not the case. I'm taking a really hard class right now, and it is stressing me out. I guess I am more of a perfectionist than I initionally thought. Maybe I've acquired a bit more of that as I've gotten older. Who knows.

I am becoming a more social person.
Mostly because I just started playing cello with a girl who plays guitar in San Diego and so I am now in a band. Through her, I have already met at least three new people that will be added to my social circle. This is good.

I am more worried about the future.
I have to make some pretty big decisions in about 2 years. Will I stay here in SD or move out of the state? There are pros and cons to that decision, and I feel as though it will be one of those "What if?" moments in my life...the moments where your life can really go one way or the other, there's not really a "right" decision, but it will change your life forever. That will be an exciting time, and I wish I was at that place in life now. This moment will come once I finish library school.

I am having writer's block.
This is evidenced by my inability to blog consistently and write more children's songs. I wrote one today though, in preparation for our Kid's Club Camp which is coming up in about three weeks. I finally looked at our curriculum, and I need to create a set list of about 10 songs. Right now, I have five, maybe six songs on my list. The good news is that I have been praying for inspiration, and I managed to write that song today in about 20 minutes. :) It is based on Deuteronomy 29:29. Actually, the lyrics are word for word. The music is fun and catchy. I just have to remember how it goes. I want to write at least one more song, so we'll see what happens.

Black Eye

Me: Adam, do you want to see my ugly face?
My brother: Hold on, let me put my contacts in...
Me: Okay...
My brother: MMMha ha ha. Nice.

I do have a black eye at the moment, in addition to everything else that's swelling on my face.

A fun survey

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
-Knowing that I'm accomplishing my purpose in life AND experiencing open spaces.

What is your greatest fear?
-Losing my teeth AND not taking any risks.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
-Rosie the Rivetor aka women who went to work during WWII.

Which living person do you most admire?
-I'm very curious about any people that have charisma... that unexplicable charm.

What is the trait that you most deplore in yourself?
-Selfishness

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
-Illogical thinking.

What is your greatest extravagance?
-Books and education.

What is your favorite journey?
-To Africa and back.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
-I don't know if it is a virture, but I would say "peace--" the fake overrated kind.

On what occasion do you lie?
-When I'm trying to hide.

Which living person do you most despise?
-I try not to despise people, but I don't like know-it-alls.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
-What?

What is your greatest regret?
-That I don't take risks and therefore miss opportunities.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
-I don't know.

When and where were you happiest?
-Working at summer camp. Lifeguarding.

Which talent would you most like to have?
-I always wanted to be a drummer.

What is your current state of mind?
-Reflective and nostolgic.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
-That I didn't care so much about what other people think.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
-I don't know...graduating college was pretty cool. I still have time to achieve my greatest achievement, right?

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?
-Because of my Christian beliefs, I would have to say a more real, more complete version of myself.

What is your most treasured possession?
-My cello. It has given me ways to connect with people in ways I never would have if I didn't play.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
-Living without hope.

Where would you like to live?
-Anywhere good friends can be found.

What is your most marked characteristic?
-When I'm feeling confident and self-assured, I can talk to anyone and make them feel included. Either that or my seriousness.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
-Kindness and honesty.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
-Kindness and honesty.

What do you most value in your friends
?-Their ability to be genuine and serious and funny.

Who are your favorite writers?
-Madeline L'Engle, and C.S. Lewis.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
-Aslan the Lion.

Who are your heroes in real life?
-People who pray.

What is it that you most dislike?
-Arrogance and dishonesty.

How would you most like to die?
-A morbid question, but I would have to say I'd like to die without pain.

What is your motto?
-Hope.

Practice

I had a friend ask me how I'm doing spiritually this week. Instead of answering the question directly, I kind of made up some excuses that did not really answer his question. I guess I was dodging the question because I was hiding the truth.

The sermon tonight at church was about God's comfort. The pastor told us that if we feel God's absence, that is evidence of his presence at other times in our lives.

I think this gave me hope.

Tonight, I got to play cello with a band that I absolutely love. They lead worship on Sunday nights at the church I attend. I have to admit that worship is definitely a state of mind, and it is difficult for me to truly worship God when I play cello. The reason is because I'm thinking more about the music than my state of mind. I can count on my hand the number of times I have truly worshipped God using my cello. But I can say that those times were some of the most meaningful experiences I have ever had as a musician. They come few and far between, but because music is a discipline, the more I practice, the better I become, the better my fingers remember their positions, the less I have to think about what I'm doing, and the more likely it is that I start to think outside of what I am doing physically and move in to a state of meditation. In this state of mind I am able to think beyond the music and think about what the music means. It is in this state of mind that I am able to worship God with all my heart. Like music, worship is a discipline. This is why I practice.

Nerves

So, I just practiced my cello for an hour. And now the nerve in my index finger on my left hand is super sensitive. It feels like there's a spring in it. Every time I touch something, the nerve "bounces" in my finger. Kind of like when you hit your funny bone in your elbow, and it vibrates. Yeah, except in my index finger...and its not going away yet...

Love

There's nothing like the reckless abandon of a child who knows that she is loved and freely loves in return.Sometimes I wish I could love as freely as that child.

Finals Week

There's nothing worse than trying to get students in an overcrowded library during finals week to respect the others around them by being quiet, especially when there are no study rooms available.

Enforcing the quiet policy is making me edgy... and probably giving me a bad reputation.

What else can I say?

Its May.It is a busy week. I'm taking a day off to write a paper. How wrong is that?Plus I have a concert on Saturday, and there are still two-ish rough spots I need to work out through practice.I can't believe I have to take time off to write. Yuck!I'm hoping the words will just flow.

Dream

After all these years of living in the same house since I was 3, my mom went into a closet in our laundry room, pulled down a ladder that looked like it went to an attic, and I climbed up into a beautiful sanctuary, as in church sanctuary. It had been hidden in the house I grew up in all this time, and I never knew or realized it. The floors were all made of long wood panels, sort of a medium reddish brown color, complete with knots. There was an aisle down the center between two rows of pews, all cut from the same kind of wood, and they all had the same paneled look as the floor. The roof peaked in the center and was as long as the room. There was an alter in the front, and I think there was a cross behind it, but because it was the same color as all the wood in the room it sort of blended in to the back wall. There were no windows...and no doors, just the hole in the floor I came up through. There was no one in there. And I wished I had my cello, because I just knew the acoustics were going to be amazing.

It was a beautiful room even though everything in it was the same color. It makes me sad that it really doesn't exist.

Yes, it was all just a dream.

Lonely Days

Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I really want solitude. But then when I stop doing whatever it was I wanted to do by myself, I get lonely.

And you would think that it's easy to just pick up a phone and call my friends, but it is not, and I don't.

Because for some reason, I can't.

I think the reason is that I assume everyone else needs their solitude too. And I don't want to be an interruption.

Church...and being critical

I went to a friend's church tonight, and I'm a little mad at myself for being critical about the service. It was a perfectly good service, but I didn't really let myself just sit back and enjoy the experience. Instead, I was analyzing the narrowness of the rows (felt like I was going to fall over when I was standing up), distracted by the fake drumset (never thought I would ever say that they needed the drums to be louder), and also distracted by the worship guy, who kept playing his guitar while he was praying. The pastor's sermon was decent, and it sounds like he knows a lot, and yet his style of presentation made it sound like he really didn't know very much.

I don't want to be distracted, and yet I was. Maybe if I go back, I'll be able to focus better.

I think I do this to people. I usually have an open mind initially with people, but then sometimes I get critical...for no real reason at all. I really need to change in this area because I don't want to be critical toward others. I don't like interacting with my dad sometimes because he can be critical, and I believe his skeptism keeps us from experiencing a deeper relationship. I really dislike the criticism, yet find myself criticizing other people sometimes.

New friend?

So I had this gift card to Olive Garden. I received it for teaching a swim lesson to some ladies at work that are competing in a triathalon. I coached and taught swim lessons for about 7 years in the summer until I had to get a "real" job, so I am good at stroke analysis, technique, and coaching people to improvement.

Sorry, got sidetracked. So anyway, I hadn't seen my friend Ryan G. in awhile, and made plans to have dinner with him. Ryan and I have a fun history together because we grew up together. Our parents went to the same church, we went to the same schools, and he used to hang out with my step-brother. Then he ended up coming to UCSB, and we were involved in the same club, and spent a summer overseas with the same group of people. We lost touch a little after college, but then he moved to SD, and well, its fun for us to hang out because we know a lot of the same people.When we were talking about where to eat dinner, I remembered that I had a giftcard to Olive Garden. So we decided to use it.

We were starting our conversation when all of a sudden there was this guy with a loud booming voice who introduced himself with a VERY australian accent, "Hi, my name is James, and I'll be your server tonight..."James told us that he is half-aussie, and half-american, and let me tell you, our experience just would not have been the same without him. He was courteous without being obtrusive, the service was excellent, and he was both fun and funny all at the same time. It is obvious that James loves people, and Ryan and I agreed that we would come back, just because of how great our experience was. The most interesting thing about it was that James has no prior server experience, and this was his first week on the job.People seem to be afraid of getting to know each other these days, it is rare to meet those who are willing to try. I think we found ourselves a new friend. And to think, I never go to Olive Garden, and never would have gone if I hadn't got a giftcard.

Yeah cable!

Finally got cable internet. Is this a sad commentary on my life when I get excited about broadband? Is this weird that I have not had it before? I was using dial-up.What this means is that I will be more accessible online. And isn't that what the Internet is all about?face-to-face interaction versus online interaction. Discuss.

Working

Tiredness and Laziness.

Not a good combo.

Caffeine anyone?

Also, got a 19/20 on the paper I finished last Saturday. Yep. The one I procrastinated on.

Grade check

Yeah! Got a 19/20 on the paper I procrastinated on. I forgot to include one component, so that's pretty good. :)I'm such a nerd.

Haiku

Tired and lazy
Not a good combination
Caffeine anyone?

Saturday Adventures: The Break-in

So today, I knew I had to finish my paper. Still haven't finished it yet. It is due by midnight. Thought I would be writing all day. Thought it would be a boring day. I was wrong.

I made plans to hang out with a friend of mine today for lunch. So she called me and I drove over to her place. We walked over to the local shopping center to get some lunch and ice-cream for dessert. About halfway through lunch, she noticed that one of my earrings was missing. I think it fell off when I took off my sweatshirt, but I have no idea where it is now. Bummer, cause I really liked these ones.

So we walk back, looking for the earring, didn't find it. We get back to her apartment and she says, "Oh no, the bottom part of the door is locked."
I said, "I locked it when we were leaving."
She says, "I don't have the key, we're locked out."
I said, "Well, is there a way to break in? Is your slider unlocked?"
She said, "No, and there's a stick in the window."

Sure enough, there was a window stick, designed to keep intruders from breaking in.

I said, "Well, let me see if my arm is long enough...I might be able to reach around and get it, do you want me to try?"
She said, "Yes."
"Okay." I said. And I started emptying my pockets. I pulled out my phone, my wallet, and all my money so that I could work unhindered by all the stuff I carry around with me.

So I pull the screen off the window, open the window as much as I can, and stick my arm in.

"My arm isn't long enough...is there a stick somewhere?"
"Yeah, let me find you one." She hands me a long stick.
"I'm gonna get your blinds dirty."
"That's okay."

So I start trying to use the stick as a wedge to lift the other stick out of the window's path.

"You almost got it!" She said.
"I know...this is harder than it looks!"
"Oh, you got it, you got it... just a little more...what if you try to slide the window as you're lifting up?"
"Okay," I said, and lifted up and pushed the window open at the same time. "I got it!"

She was laughing. And took my picture in the open window because she thought it was so funny. So not only did I lock her out, but I was able to break into her house. We started talking about breaking in.

"So you've never had to break in before?" I asked.
"Nope, never."
"Not even growing up?"
"Nope, my mom was always home."
"Yeah, my brothers and I always had to break in, I always forgot my keys."

I was one of those latch-key kids. My mom was almost never home after school, so I got really good at getting into my house if I didn't have my key. Yeah, I got skills.

Paper

I procrastinated. It is due today. I'm not done yet. And its Saturday. At least it is raining so that I'm not tempted to go to the beach or something.

Music I listen to

Every once in awhile, I get captivated by a song. It doesn't happen very often, where I hear a song that grabs my attention and I want to buy the album as a result. I prefer to wait until I realize that I like at least half the songs on an album before I purchase it. One of the only times I bought an album for one song was when I bought Dizzy Up the Girl by the Goo Goo Dolls because of the song "Iris."

"Iris" has a chorus that goes like this,

And I don't want the world to see me,
cause I don't think that they'd understand,
when everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Plus it has a pretty cool cello part. Anyway, it happened to me again, where I heard a song that just captivated my attention and I immediately wanted to buy the song. I didn't even know it was the Goo Goo Dolls until it came on the radio and I happened to be on the phone with my friend who actually knows a lot of songs and she told me that it was a song by them. The song is "Better Days," and again, it has good lyrics and a great cello part. So I bought the album today, and I love it. Everytime I hear "Better Days," it makes me smile. I think it has been on the radio since around Christmas, because it is sort of a Christmas song, but I don't care. I could listen to it over and over again. And I have. Here's the second verse and chorus:

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I could probably play the cello part. It is very cool. The rest of the album isn't bad either.

Teaching and Writing

I was just thinking about how fun it is to read certain writers who publish regularly, and I realize just how hard it is to write something everyday. It is especially a challenge to write posts that are meaningful, or funny, or insightful, and do it on a daily basis. So I don't. But I wish I could.

I taught the kids at church today, and it was difficult for a few reasons:

A) It is spring break, and all our normal helpers are out of town, so we had a lot of new ones
B) I felt unprepared... as I had to teach the lesson, pick some songs to sing, and control the flow of the morning.
C) Time change. I was tired!

Teaching on Sundays has really confirmed to me how tired I would be if I taught at a regular school of some kind. Things always feel so chaotic. Our director assures me that I am doing a good job, but I never feel like I do.

I need new songs. I need to go and buy a bunch of kids songs on cd or something. I keep listening to my radio for appropriate songs. I knew good songs were hard to find... They have to be age appropriate, match our theology, and it is an added bonus if they have motions that go along with them. I try to write them, but it is hard when I feel like I don't have any good ideas right now. The whole writing process takes time and time is a very limited commodity for me at the moment.

Who are you?

I am mentoring a student right now, and we've come to the part in the curriculum where I have asked her to write a two page essay entitled, "Who are you?" I decided that I might want to do the same. So here goes:

I care about the past, because it impacts both the present and the future. I don't think you can fully understand a person or their viewpoints unless you know their history. I tend to ask a lot of questions of people about their past because this is what enables me to relate to them.

I am flexible. I like to be in new places, meet new people, and try new things...to a certain point. However, because I am adaptable, I hate committing to things. If I make commitments, they are strong, and for the most part, I try not to make them-- I must be heavily persuaded. But once I make a commitment, I am completely reliable and loyal.

I like to read. A lot. Through my reading, I collect new information and ideas. I love ideas. I have a lot of them. This is why the library is a good place for me to work. I can collect information and ideas that I am able to pass on to others. I don't feel the need to act on any of my ideas. I simply like them because they are creative, different, or because they give me a different way of looking at the world. I love poetry because of the ideas. My favorite songs are the ones with profound lyrics. Sometimes, whether the advice is asked for or not, I will bombard you with ideas. This unsolicited advice can be annoying sometimes to other people around me, and I have had to learn to curb it, and wait for when people do ask me for advice.

I also tend to think a lot about things. I need a great deal of solitude--thinking time--in order to function with other people around. If you really want to reach out to me, or have a meaningful conversation with me, then ask me what I'm thinking, and don't let me cheat by giving you some kind of vague or superficial answer, which I will do if I don't trust you, or if I perceive you don' t really want to know, or that you don't have the time to listen. This is how I test people sometimes. Persistence will get you a real answer and show me that you really do care. The negative of all this thinking is that I live a lot in my head, and it can be a lonely place.

My faults are many. I am stubbornly independent, don't like to ask for help, don't like to take risks, and have a deeply rooted fear of failing. I am selfish, especially with my time. I toe the line between having self-confidence and being insufferably proud. And while I am self-assured in a lot of ways, I am insecure in others.

I don't really see myself as a passionate person and it took me a long time to realize that I have a passion for music. Not for playing it perfectly, but just playing, being challenged to bring it to the next level, sharing it with others, and making it something beautiful. I like orchestral music because it challenges my skill, and I get depressed when no one is able to come to a concert that I've worked really hard on. I have to be able to show people what I can really do. Orchestra is my proving ground.

Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without God's touch on my life. I am his child. He has a plan and purpose for my life. He made me who I am. If he hadn't been a part of my life, I would have a completely different set of friends, a completely different job, a different kind of education, and possibly even different passions in life.

This is the part of the essay where I really need to come up with some kind of conclusion, but I'm not feeling it today. My loyal readers may write one in the comments if they would like.

Sunday Musings

I have a friend who has managed to create conflict with me and every single one of my close friends here in San Diego. Does he realize we all talk to each other because:
A) we're girls and we do that and
B) we are all friends with each other?

Should I say something to him? I think I just want to leave it alone. I don't want to create more dissension.

So last week at church, I was singing a song I actually wrote, and when it came time to sing the third verse, I forgot all the words. As soon as I walked away, I remembered them all. So I figured I should sing it again this week to redeem myself.

I need to write some new songs. It takes discipline, luck, and a good dose of inspiration. Its hard to write when I'm feeling so downtrodden. Things are just so busy, and it depresses me that I need so much time to write. I have a "sort-of" idea, but what I have written so far sounds really cliche to me.

I need some inspiration. And maybe a vacation.

Anxiety Dream?

I had a dream last night that my cello was falling apart at the major seams, right before a big performance. That's the first scary cello dream I had. For some reason, I don't think it could have been fixed. Umm, let's not read TOO much into this one.

Adversity

For D-

God has a plan
We don't always understand
We are called to perservere
And do our best
Without fear of failure
or the future
or the unknown.

Sometimes our dreams die in spite of our best efforts
Because they are OUR dreams, not God's.
It is through adversity we learn to succeed
Knowing that we can do nothing,
And that we are broken
Because then we learn that our success is not our own
And is given to us by God alone.

And sometimes, when we think all is lost
Yet trust in Him who is infinitely able,
We achieve more than we could have dreamed,
And count it a miracle.

Homework

I'm trying to do homework right now, and its depressing. I need to go to the grocery store to do this. And I have to pay attention to details. Two of my least favorite activities. I'm feeling like a bit of a failure today. I can't even post a decent response to the class discussion board. My mom thinks I'm being too hard on myself. I really don't feel like I'm doing all that great in one of my classes, and the reality of trying to pick a topic for a long paper has set in somewhat.

I did spend some time today with a friend of mine that I've known since kindergarten. It was fun. We did touristy things in San Diego. Like visit Seaport Village. We had lunch down there and just wandered.

I'm also going to a b-day party for one of the church ladies at church tonight. I have to leave in 5 minutes. I didn't really get any homework done. Just stressed myself out more by looking at my assignments. I am actually going to have to take a day off next week to do school work. I don't see myself having time to get everything done that needs doing.

Yesterday, I went home to spend some time with my dad. It was actually fun. He has a new puppy and she's so fun. She was a great distraction.

Today's Mantra: Don't panic, be calm...

Reality of School

Printing like crazy to try and read a bunch of stuff tonight. Sad. I'm ditching my Bible Study tonight to study for school. I'm not going to have time to read this weekend really though.

My pile of printed articles is quite high. And depressing.

Today's mantra: Higher Education is a choice.

Nice Day

Today was so busy. I had a ton of stuff to do at work, and I'm not done yet. It can wait til tomorrow. I'm so glad that I don't have a stressful job. It matters that I do my work, but what I do is not life or death. Things can be put off to a certain extent. The danger is not taking advantage of those opportunities.

And it is such a nice day. I have to come back to my office later to do some school work tonight. That's okay. But I think I'm going to go and continue to try and break in my new running shoes. I like them. I hate breaking shoes in.

I just finished reading Brennan Manning's the Ragamuffin Gospel. It is one of those books that I've been meaning to read for awhile. I really liked it. I can see why others are so drawn to his work. I don't have time to ruminate at the moment on this, but it may show up later this week.

I also have been working on a new song for the kiddies. But I'm trying to write something that would be more profound. The music I write should be able to stand on its own sometimes, so I'm trying to write a GOOD song. Something that I'm proud of. I have a concept and a few lines of lyrics that I like so far, but it is nowhere near ready for the music part. I'm trying to finish it in the next two weeks. I'm hoping that I'll find some free time to sit and reflect and write this week.

L-Thanks for the good times Monday night. I really miss hearing your perspective on my life. It helps me.

I'm off to enjoy the sunset. West, over the ocean. :)

Feeling Blessed

I'm feeling blessed in spite of the stress. I'm doing homework at the library. It is a beautiful day outside. I would rather be outside. But I'm thankful because I get a nice view of the ocean from my office, which is where I'm working. Plus I have turned the volume up on my computer and I'm listening to music while I work, which NEVER happens during the week since I work in a library and my office has no ceiling. So basically, anyone can hear what I do in my office-- listen to music, talk on the phone, yeah. Awkward. It just means I have to keep my voice down. I have definitely perfected my indoor voice.

I'm seeing a movie with one of the high schoolers in my high school Bible Study this afternoon. It will be my first movie in the theater since Narnia came out.

I have a three day weekend, and its amazing that I do so much better when I feel like I have the time to accomplish all the things I have to get done.

Month in Review

I spent about 30 minutes this morning just studying my planner. What I'm finding is that there is a direct correlation between planner usage and my stress level.

So, here are the updates and lessons learned from the month:

1. Resolved that conflict with my friend. We are still speaking to each other, and lately, we have almost approached pre-conflict levels of communication. I'm so glad its over! I think we also both got busy, so there's less time spent together, and more time spent apart, so that when we DO get to see each other, we are both glad.

The lesson: its okay to have conflict, conflict does not automatically mean the end of a relationship and it takes time sometimes for things to settle into resolution.

2. Grad School is hard. And I have another 3 years to go.

Not a lesson per se, but a reminder: It is never profitable to procrastinate. Get things done when I have the time, or I will be MORE stressed and less productive.

3. There was a definite deepening in the relationship that I have with a good friend of mine. We are still learning to trust each other, and yet, we have a pretty good friendship. I'm excited to see what becomes of us. It is good to have friends to cry with.

The Lesson: Don't let go of friends like these.

4. This kind of goes along with number 3. Reconnected with a guy I really like. We have a long history together. He is such a quality guy, and so far, I like everything about him. We NEVER should have lost touch in the first place. It does take time and effort to make these kinds of relationships work.

The Lesson: When you find quality people, don't let go. See the same lesson above. Make the effort to communicate, and don't let distance be a factor to good friendships.

Anyway, I feel like grad school has only magnified and intensified the issues I face in my life. It has made me appreciate free time even more. It has made me appreciate my friends more. I am overwhelmed, and I know it. This alone has made me appreciate God more, and trust that yes, this really is a part of the plan He has for my life.

Can I get some stats on this please?

I spent about 30 minutes this morning just studying my planner. What I'm finding is that there is a direct correlation between planner usage and my stress level.

Anyway, I feel like grad school has only magnified and intensified the issues I face in my life. It has made me appreciate free time even more. It has made me appreciate my friends more. I am overwhelmed, and I know it. This alone has made me appreciate God more, and trust that yes, this really could be a part of the plan He has for my life.

More NFL Europe

Duncan played in another scrimmage today, this is a different scrimmage than the one in the previous post, which took place a few days ago. Anytime he gets a mention, its good!

From the Frankfurt Galaxy website:

Also looking sharp were the tight ends. Duncan Reid, Keith Willis, and Sean
McHugh all hauled in one catch each, with Reid making a fantastic completion
from quarterback Bryson Spinner.

NFL Europe (Go Duncan!)

From the Frankfurt Galaxy website:

Also looking sharp [in a scrimmage] was quarterback Bryson Spinner, who
connected with Duncan Reid on a 45-yard bomb, putting the Galaxy in position for
an eventual touchdown. The field conditions were less than perfect, with many
players losing their footing.

"It's tough when you drop back you can lose your footing or get caught in a
divot, so you have to be careful," said Spinner. "The ball was in a good spot
for him to go get it, and he did. He made a great play."

Holding on...

I stayed up way too late doing homework last night. I'm averaging about 6.5 hours of sleep each night. That's on the low side for me. And last night was about the 4th or 5th night in a row for me. I'm gonna crash this weekend. It is so nice not having anything on my agenda, but I have to make it through to Friday.

Diversion of the day

Test your reflexes...very fun. And diverting. And amusing.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Discipline

I have completely lost my ability to be disciplined and study. AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

Procrastination is my new middle name.

Holla.

Conversations 10 - Lost and Found

"Sherry? Hi, its Robyn... I'm stuck in traffic on 7th street. Is there an alternative route I can take? Cause this is really bad..."

Sherry is one of my mom's best friends from high school, and I was already 30 minutes late for dinner at her house with her husband, son, and my parents.

"Hi Sweetie, yes, can you turn left at B Steet?"

"Yes, I'm actually right at that intersection."

"Okay, then you're going to head south, and turn onto 4th."

"Got it."

"You'll hit 2 or three stop signs, and our street will be on the right. Do you want me to stay on the line?"

"No, I think I got it." So I continued to drive, looking for the street where I had spent a majority of my childhood.

All of a sudden, there it was, and I was going too fast to turn. So I kept driving, looking for a good spot to turn around. There was a lot of construction past their street, and I knew it was not going to be easy to go back the way I came. In fact, it was going to be impossible. I turned left at a stop light and figured I would be able to just go around the block. No such luck because there was a canal in my way, and no option to cross it anywhere in sight.

As I was driving east, looking for a point to cross, my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey!" What's going on?" It was Sherry's son. I am older than he is by exactly five days, and I always hold it over his head. We hadn't talked to each other in about three years.

"Not much, what's going on with you? Where are you?" I asked him, confused...

"I'm at the house, where are you?"

"I think I'm lost. See, I missed your street, and there's all this construction, so I can't get back the way I came, and there's nowhere to cross the stupid canal..."

"Uh-huh...What are the cross-streets?"

I told him my location, and then said, "Yeah, I think I'm going to make a U-Turn."

"That's probably a good idea. Where are you exactly?" he asked as I drove back to the street right before the intersection that was blocked by construction.

I said, "I'm sitting at a stop sign across the soccer field from your house, looking at a baseball dug-out." I gave him the cross streets.

"Stay there."

"Why?"

"I'm coming to find you."

"Okay," I said, "I thought I was kind of far away."

"You're not. I'll jog..." There was a pause in our conversation, "Now I'm winded," he said. "Can you see me?"

I looked around, but didn't see him anywhere. "No, not yet," I replied. I just sat in my car looking at the park across the street. I can remember playing in the park with him when we were young. I was on one side, and his house was on the other. I waited, and watched to see where he was coming from. He was still on the line.

"What are you driving? Are you at a stop-sign?" He asked.

"A little white car," I said, "And yes, I'm sitting at a stop sign."

"I think I see you...Do you see me? I'm on your left."

I looked to the left and saw him walking toward me. He looked a little different from the last time I had seen him, but was still the same.

He said, "I'm going to hang up now."

"Okay," I said, closed my phone, and then unlocked my passenger side door.

He came around and let himself in.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I said, "Thanks for coming to find me, I don't think I would have been able to figure out how to get to your house from here."

"You're right," he said, "there is a lot of construction, this is ridiculous."

He then directed me to the house. Turns out I wasn't that far away, but it would have taken me a long time to figure it out on my own.

I parked the car and we both got out.

"It's good to see you," I said.

I locked my door, and he locked his, and I walked up to the sidewalk.

He offered me a hug and stepped back. We were both grinning.

"Good to see you too," He replied.

And we walked inside.

Opera

Went to the opera tonight. It was a tragedy. No. Not the fact that I went to the opera... the opera was a tragedy.

The lead female character goes mad in the third act and kills her husband on their wedding night because she was forced to marry him while she had pledged her love to another man, and basically, all the main characters die a la Romeo and Juliet. Sort of.

Well, in the intermission right before the third act, I heard the flute player play taps (the military "all is quiet, good night" song, usually played by a trumpet or bugle).
That was funny. Cause basically, everyone in the opera was doomed.

Also, have you ever noticed that whenever someone is dying in musicals, operas, movies, or TV, the main death theme is played by a solo cello or by the cello section? It makes me laugh every time.

The cello is a sad instrument. Which is why I'll never be a great cellist. I'm not depressed enough. Yet.

Panicked!

I am back in grad school (what was I thinking?) and its taking up a lot of my time! If you see me this week, I could use some encouragement.

I nearly thought I missed a deadline on a quiz, and I'm behind in my reading. Then again, who isn't? I'm having an anxiety attack...

Panic attack

I just had a panic attack about school. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. So much to do!!!

However, I get to see one of my favorite people on Saturday night. I'm excited. :)

More Transition

The library I work at is going through some very rapid and significant changes. The position I thought I might be able to apply for at some point got approved sooner than anyone thought it would. This means that there probably will not be an opportunity for me to stay here. Dreams die hard and I am sad. I am not qualified to apply for this position.

I have had high anxiety all week. I am pretty sure this coincides with starting grad school again. I have a friend who is also going through a really hard time right now also, and we basically cried together last weekend.

We go to the same church, but different locations, and the message this week was really hard. It was about hope.

As Christians, we are told that we should have joy because of our hope in Christ. I often feel like a hypocrite because I do not often experience joy in my life. I blame myself for not trying hard enough which is counteractive to grace. Depression is very real and something I struggle with regularily. It helps me to know that many of the prophets in the Bible were probably also depressed, especially David. You can still have faith and walk with Christ and be depressed. It is not the path I would have chosen for myself. But when I'm told that Christians should be hopeful and joyful, I cringe a little inside and wonder what the heck is wrong with me and my faith.

I wear a ring with the word "hope" on it that symbolizes this struggle for me. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and that someday I will be with Him in heaven. Should I be able to have more hope than that? Maybe. Should this knowledge change the way I live? Maybe it should, but I don't really know how.

No Excuses

Me as I'm trying to climb a rock in Joshua Tree: "I CAN'T DO THIS!"

My friend down below: "YES YOU CAN, WHAT DOES THE BACK OF YOUR SHIRT SAY!!!"

Me: "I DON'T KNOW, I CAN'T REALLY SEE IT RIGHT NOW!!!"

My friend: "MAKE PLAYS, NOT EXCUSES"

"Darn," I thought to myself, "I forgot I was wearing that shirt."

Attitude adjustment. Then I climbed. And made it to the top.

Joshua Tree

I went to Joshua Tree yesterday with a bunch of friends of mine. We went rock climbing. It was my second time trying. I actually made it all the way up one of the rocks, and half-way up the other. I had to have a lot of coaching though, and it took me forever. On one of the climbs, I looked down and everyone was watching. It was embarassing because I'm such a novice. I yelled at them, "Why is everybody watching me, don't you have anything better to do?" Rock climbing is not the sport for modest people. It is very difficult to try and take pictures of people without accentuating their butts.

The weather was great and I took some GREAT pictures.

Upon arrival however, I managed to back my car into a rock, so now there's a nice scrape on my back bumper. I wasn't going very fast. Stupid rocks. I didn't see it because it was so low to the ground. It did make a loud noise, and I was worried that I might have popped a tire. But I didn't. So now the car just has a little more character. I'm not mad about it, these things happen, and there's nothing i can really do about it. However, I do not liked to be teased about these kinds of things.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. Both my brothers called me from different phones and locations at almost the exact same time. They are not twins. Weird! And fun, especially since one of them is training for NFL Europe at the moment and I totally didn't expect a call from him.

Going to Outback for dinner with a small group of friends. Should be fun. I wish Laurel could come, but alas, we live in different regions.

Also, found out that a friend of mine is one of four kids. Turns out they are the same birth order (girl/boy/boy/girl) and the exact same ages as me and my siblings. Never met a family as alike as ours before, with the same ages and everything...

I met them because he is a marine and getting deployed for 13 months. His family was at the going away party. And now I have some cool marine stuff.

My dad's dog, Stoney, died about 2 weeks ago. I am really going to miss her and when he finally called me about it (I heard from my sister first), I had to take a crying break from work. Well, he already bought a new puppy-- an aussie like before, and she is seriously the fattest puppy. He asked for name suggestions. I would like to respectfully submit the following name: Attila the Dog. Seriously. She's huge. They can call her Tilly for short. I might still call her Attila even if she ends up with another name.

My Fortune

Fortune cookie fortune: "You have at your command the wisdom of the ages."

What I said after reading this fortune: "yeah, its called the internet."

Ramblings

Drove to Fresno and back between Friday morning and Saturday night. I'm tired. And overwhelmed I think. I had a really busy week last week, and it was populated with some perceived negative people interaction, which really gets me down.

I started library school this week. I am going to be one busy girl!

I was talking with one of my co-workers last week (who wants to be a counselor and work with college students somehow) and we were talking about my degree from Azusa. I really had fun getting the degree, but just couldn't find a job in the field and got tired of trying. I settled to a certain extent. And so, my life after college is riddled with these "what if...?" moments. We talked about where I am now and whether or not I'm excited to do this degree. My heart is not quite in it yet. I think its a good decision, but I still struggle with whether I'm making the right decision. I feel like I'm giving up on some goals of mine and settling for something less. I teared up a bit just because of all the difficulties I went through after trying (and failing) to find a job. My co-worker reminded me that God is sovereign and even if my decision is not as good as I think it is, God can still use the degree to bring me where he wants me to be.

Recording Session

Me to the sound engineer last night as I'm trying to tune my cello: I've been having trouble with my G string all week.

Sound engineer after a pause: You know, I hear a lot of girls have trouble with their G strings.

We laughed.

Twitchy

Went home 2 hours early yesterday, and took a much needed nap. Got my laundry done and practiced cello. I'm in the studio on Wednesday and I'm stressed out. I've gained an eye-twitch. Its driving me crazy.

Rats!

So our student worker this morning saw a rat run across the first floor over by our front desk. So my co-worker freaked out and came into my office and actually stood on my stool that I have for students to sit on if they need to. So I went to see what was going on. Sure enough, there was the rat. He was freaked out, and tried to go outside, but of course all our doors were shut. So after a few minutes of trying to corral him out the door, he finally ran into our first floor stacks. The student and I chased him around for a bit, and eventually lost him. The students who were studying on the first floor couldn't figure out what we were doing... carrying around newspaper sticks and suddenly dropping to the floor to look underneath the stacks... and let me tell you that carpet is dirty! Anyway, who knows where the rat is now. Hopefully getting an education in the 200's (religion and philosophy) because we called physical plant and he could possibly die. I feel sorry for him. He was THIS CLOSE to freedom and ran the other way.

What I've Learned...

I'm more sensitive to conflict than previously thought. It is hard for me to let things go and I start analyzing things which leads to worry and stress for me. I try to distract myself with other things, but it is difficult.

Also. It is exhausting for me to try and spend time with my dad and step-mom. They completely wear me out.

Also. What do I want for my birthday. I never know. I'm hard to buy for.

Unresolved

On a sunset walk
We had good conversation
Shared some laughs
Made some observations

But then
I got analytical
You thought
That I was being critical...

Well, that was never my intention
This miscommunication
No time for explanation

Only awkward tension...

But then you called
To apologize and make amends
But things
Just haven't been the same since then
And I
Just want to know if we can still be friends...

______________________________________

It's hard for me to let it be
I know I need to let you think it over for awhile
But don't take too long
Because I really like your smile...

Weird Sensation

Running in thick fog and feeling the moisture condense on your eyelashes without experiencing rain or snow.

Monday Night Live

So I'm starting a youth group for high school at church. I would say "we" cause the pastor is lending us his house and input, but there are only two girls so far. So it will be a high school small group first, and we'll see what happens. I'm pretty excited but apprehensive. I haven't tried relational ministry in awhile, and we do not know each other that well yet.

One of the girls came over last night and it was good. We got to talk about her relationship with Christ and her family and also play some air-hockey. I'm way better at foosball cause of college (thanks Ryan!) but managed to win 2 of 3 games in air hockey. The pastor was laughing at my intensity. What? I like to play. I don't care about winning, although that's fun too, but I just like to play.

I also start library school at the end of this month. I'm not really excited about school, but I think I will be when I'm finally studying. I've been preparing for library school for the last 4 months. Crazy.

Also, I was talking with a new friend of mine about school and music and some of the decisions I've made, because he was saying how he would love to be a full-time musician, whether that would be as a music director at a church or full-time performer, but he has a wife and three kids. I was telling him how I would probably never be a professional musician, but that I really enjoy playing in the studio, and if I could do anything, it would be that. So he offered to "hook me up" with his studio. That would be amazing.

My Sunday Off

We had a rough morning with the kids at church. I was kind of feeling drained at the end of it. There's a church in our denomination that just disbanded a few months ago. Some of them have started to come to the church I go to, and have been there for a month or two, but many of them have not really made an effort to mingle. As a result, there's a divide. So I was excited that two of the new families joined us for lunch on Sunday.

Then I practiced with my guitar-playing friend whose album I'm working on, and we played for awhile. I think 2 hours. Then I said I needed a break so we went for slurpies at 7-11. After spending 4 hours at this guy's house, I went home and took a nap.

Then I went to this GREAT pizza place with my roommate and some other friends of ours. I love lazy Sundays.

However, I set my alarm clock incorrectly this morning, and so I did not get a good start on my day so I'm a little tired and grumpy. Everyone thinks I'm sick or tired. Ha ha.

Some of Christmas

I think I always get depressed right before the holidays. Not sure exactly why, but I'm sure it has something to do with all the trauma and drama that happened in the past over holidays. This Christmas was actually fun and relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my mom and siblings and got to see most of the extended family.

I read the Christmas letter that my dad and step-mom put out, and what they put in for me said something about how they don't see or talk to me a whole lot, which is true, and that they realize I seem to have "found my niche" and I "seem to be happy" in San Diego.

Is it bad that I have little desire to work on the relationship? Or that I know that I should try more but just don't want to?

I think I'm a bit sad that they did not ask me what they should put in the letter for me. I feel like if they wanted to know more about my life then they should call me more often.

As I get older, my life gets more monotonous. There aren't many new things going on in my life. My life is sort of stable (praise God!) and maybe even a bit boring to the point that nothing stands out. I feel like I have nothing to contribute in the way of conversation sometimes.

Music Opportunities

I just invested $700 in a new cello case. And I spent about $700 on a new computer. That's a lot of money for me. Both needed and necessary.

The cello case is exciting because I've needed a new one for years. The new case is waterproof and air-tight. Perfect for all the traveling my cello has to do. Especially this month, cause I got two small paying gigs. Both recording. One song for a clarinet player who wrote a piece for piano, cello, and clarinet, and a bunch of songs band-style for one of the worship leaders at church who is putting out an album. I've been listening to the rough tracks today and I'm impressed. It is basically a marketing album for him cause he plays at a lot of weddings and people are always asking him for his CD. Plus he's signed to a small label so that's nice. The music network is working! There's nothing like getting paid for something you enjoy. I told the worship guy he could pay me what he could afford. Perhaps it will lead to bigger and better things for me.