The library I work at is going through some very rapid and significant changes. The position I thought I might be able to apply for at some point got approved sooner than anyone thought it would. This means that there probably will not be an opportunity for me to stay here. Dreams die hard and I am sad. I am not qualified to apply for this position.
I have had high anxiety all week. I am pretty sure this coincides with starting grad school again. I have a friend who is also going through a really hard time right now also, and we basically cried together last weekend.
We go to the same church, but different locations, and the message this week was really hard. It was about hope.
As Christians, we are told that we should have joy because of our hope in Christ. I often feel like a hypocrite because I do not often experience joy in my life. I blame myself for not trying hard enough which is counteractive to grace. Depression is very real and something I struggle with regularily. It helps me to know that many of the prophets in the Bible were probably also depressed, especially David. You can still have faith and walk with Christ and be depressed. It is not the path I would have chosen for myself. But when I'm told that Christians should be hopeful and joyful, I cringe a little inside and wonder what the heck is wrong with me and my faith.
I wear a ring with the word "hope" on it that symbolizes this struggle for me. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and that someday I will be with Him in heaven. Should I be able to have more hope than that? Maybe. Should this knowledge change the way I live? Maybe it should, but I don't really know how.
No comments:
Post a Comment