What I really want...

I have had to really think about what my next steps in life will be and I feel overwhelmed by the process. I was recently asked to think about what value I find in retreating to this place of anxiety and stress. The answer I came up with is that I do not want to do whatever it is I am supposed to do. For example, I have to do my portfolio in the next two months. I do not want to do this project at all. I feel anxious about it and tend to avoid the project.

There will always be things that I must do that I do not want to do, even if it is something I like. A good example of this is practicing my cello. I do not often "feel like" practicing. But when I do, I find myself completely focused on something beyond whatever is going on in my life, and that is a healthy place for me to be.

I realized that even though I do not want to do my portfolio, I have to. I chose to do this degree and I am choosing to finish it. When I take a step back and look at what I really want, the degree becomes a small part of a bigger picture. With that in mind, I can be more relaxed about getting it done.

Hatch

History

When I was in junior high, I went to summer camp. Every morning, we got to pick some kind of skill to learn from one of the counselors. One morning, I picked juggling. We practiced throwing and catching first one ball, then two. I practiced that motion for years before I realized how to add in the third ball. So yes. I know how to juggle.

A different morning, I picked cartooning. It was so fun! It was just a basic session on how to alter things like hair, eyes, ears, noses, mouths, eyebrows... everyone had their own style too. I created this character there who was supposed to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. He was really tall and thin, had a long narrow face with tall, narrow, curly hair. He also had a mustache. Ever since, I have had sort of this latent fascination with comics. Since that conversation that I had with my physicist friend (about the vortex), I have been trying to think of other ideas for comics. It is definitely challenging.

What I'm finding is that the sketching is a great stress reliever. When I sketch, I am solely focused on the story I'm trying to tell, or the idea I'm trying to express. Plus I'm not very good at drawing. I'm not sure that I'll be able to come up with ideas consistently, but I'm gonna try to post more comics here when I think of them. Today, I drew a strip and a self-portrait. Since I don't have a scanner, they'll have to wait until I take them to get scanned somewhere. I'm having fun.

Step away from the physicist...

Actual conversation. I DO actually know what a vortex is. I just said the wrong thing.

Self-Evaluation Exercise

I recently was asked to ask ten people the following question: What shows up when I show up? What do I bring into a room?

The first three responses I had to get in the span of about ten minutes. The rest I've been gathering along the way. I pulled out the most common qualities mentioned by my friends and family:

• conversation (5)
• friendliness (3)
• calmness (2)
• comfort (2)
• deepness (2)
• home (2)
• humor (2)
• including (2)
• intelligence (2)
• peace (2)
• put others at ease (2)
• realness (2)
• safety (2)
• welcoming (2)

I actually have to figure out one more person to call.

Anxiety Dream

I dreamed last night that I got asked to babysit a small child, less than a year old. So I was watching him and it was good, but for some reason I just left. It was like I forgot I was babysitting. When I returned, the mom and her friend were (understandably) upset.

That was the basic plot. Other elements of this dream included a weird house. It was sort of like a mansion but there were all these apartment type suites inside. And when I went back to find the kid, I could not find him because the house was so big.

After I "forgot" about the kid, I left the house. Once I remembered, I had to walk up this giant hill. The whole time I'm in this dream, I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open.

I tried looking up what some of these items mean and they do sort of line up with how I'm feeling about life right now.

Babysitting = responsibility
House = life
Tiredness = physical exhaustion, boredom, monotony, or tiredness of life or a particular situation

Fear

So I had a discussion last night about fear. I definitely fear failure, and after thinking about it more today, I would have to say that I also fear being incompetent in areas where I feel that I should have competence. Because of my fears, I do not take as many risks as maybe I should. I'm realizing that about myself though, and I'm hoping that I can begin to face them down.

An update

I just finished my LAST "real" research paper. I may have to write a little more for my portfolio/thesis, but that will not be nearly as difficult. I'm starting to think a lot about the transitions in the next couple of months. I'm a little scared. I am looking forward to them, but change is always a bit frightening.

I am playing cello tomorrow night with a band that is new to me. I'm only playing two songs, but the experience so far has been really fun and positive. I'm having fun. If my job search ends with a job in San Diego, then I'll probably commit more fully to this band. They're good and I feel like their lead guy is respectful and talented. My life these days revolves around music and school.

Last week, I had to finish that research paper and this week I have two rehearsals and a performance. I've been singing at church on Sunday nights and it rocks! Plus they pay me, so technically, that makes me a professional singer! This cracks me up. I would do it for free, because I have such a good time doing it, but it is also really affirming to be paid to do music. There's no better feeling in the world than to get paid for something you love. So I'm having a good time.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Walking in SD

So I really like to walk a lot! One of my favorite places to go in San Diego is at Mission Bay. There's lots of parking and the path has mile markers to tell me how far I've gone.

Three stories for ya about walking at Mission Bay:

1. I was walking near the hotel part of the Bay and walked past a crow. I have always been fascinated by crows. Many of my favorite authors write about crows-- about their intelligence, sense of humor, and tendency for hiding shiny objects. Well, as I was walking, I watched this crow fly down and pick up this monstorous chocolate chip cookie. The crow had the whole thing. This really made me laugh.
2. One day, while walking past one of the bathrooms, I happened to look inside a vending machine. In the dispenser, there was a pigeon. Nesting. What I was thinking: Smart bird. It was out of the wind and defensible to all predators except for humans.
   
3. The last time I went to the beach, I saw a girl sort of running backwards near me. All of a sudden, I heard her yell, WATCH OUT! YOU'RE GONNA HIT THAT GIRL! I turned and looked, and sure enough, her husband or boyfriend had thrown a long spiral pass with a nerf football, and it was flying straight at me. So I reached up and knocked it out of the air. I bobbled it a little but caught it in the end. They were both impressed with my catching skills.

I love walking.

My brother's dream

My brother just called me to tell me this dream he had. It fired him up. Basically, it was about me getting picked on. He got really upset and tried to protect me.

The weird thing was that the situation was very accurate and had elements of truth. He said it was really vivid and that he thought it had actually happened. The reason why is because it really did border on reality. This situation was not very far from certain experiences and situations that I've had. I had no idea that he even noticed when these situations occur.

I thanked him for standing up for me and protecting me in his dream. He laughed.

The situation he dreamed about could actually happen in real life. And in all seriousness, if this actually happens in real life, I know that he really would stand up for me and protect me.

A new band?

I've been playing music with this guy over the last month or so. I've really enjoyed getting to know him and playing with him this summer. He is so endearing. He is really worried that I don't like it or that I'm just going to up and quit on him. This is because I haven't fully committed. I can't.

He is a big dreamer and I think he has talent. He is definitely investing in his music. I think I'm walking into this situation with a little more aloofness and skepticism than I did the last time. I also think that this guy I've been playing with is more sensitive to emotion than a lot of guys I know. He is probably sensing a bit of my aloofness. I'm also a very different kind of girl and I think he may also be having difficulty reading me. These two things alone I think would be worrisome.

He wants me to play a show in the middle of August. That's what we've been working toward. I have one song down for sure and one that's almost ready.

Inside Family Joke

When my sister was five or so, my parents gave her a scooter. Her reaction upon seeing the scooter was excitement, but the first thing she said was, "no pom-poms!" We have her reaction on a family video and "No pom-poms!" has become a recurring family phrase.

She recently got engaged and will be getting married next year to a great guy. So I made her this cartoon and gave it to her as a card. This is a rendering of *almost* the same drawing on a post-it:

Simple Autumn: Visualization

Here's a pretty cool visualization of a song I wrote. I used wordle.

Portfolio

I've started to think about my final portfolio and what platform I want to use to publish it, whether that be the repository my school owns or some other kind of software. So I've been playing around with various platforms, and I was very excited to discover that Wordpress will allow me to basically create a free website that does what I need it to do. If I pay a little extra, I could upload mp3 and movie files (for screencasts).

This is awesome. You can look at my other site here. My portfolio is currently password protected, mostly because I don't really have anything up yet. All the pages are blank.

I have a friend who is a graphic designer, and I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to create a logo and/or banner for my site. Sweet!

Affirmation

I got to sing at my favorite church service on Sunday. I cannot express how affirming it is to just be up there and be a part of the music. I really enjoyed it--the band was rockin'!!! We all got some great compliments from the congregation. It really helped me start the week with a great attitude.

Job Update

I found out last week that the job in Mississippi is now unavailable. The person who had the job decided to stay. So I will probably not be moving to Mississippi anytime soon.

However. I did just get an interview for a library here in San Diego. I'm nervous. This feels too soon and I'm not sure that it is exactly the kind of position I want. I do not fully trust my decision making skills.

I gotta say though, one interview out of four applications is a decent response rate. That means my cover letter and resume were strong enough and that I'm applying for the right kinds of positions.

More job hunting

At my conference last week, I was asked to be on a panel after the opening keynote speaker. It was a great opportunity to let people know that I was graduating with my MLIS in December...check that... finishing my coursework in December (I'll be graduating in May). As a result, I had one or two people introduce themselves and ask me if I would be interested in applying at their institutions. One of them was a catalog position, and I don't think I would be very good at that.

As a result of being on this panel, I also made friends with a library director who was on the panel with me. We really hit it off, and after the conference was over, she sent me an email to let me know that her circulation librarian had just quit and wanted to see if I would be interested in applying for it. I told her to send me the job description. The college sounds really neat. It is in Mississippi. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

I currently have three applications out there. Two are for libraries in San Diego, and one is at a library in Idaho. I was looking at another job in Texas today, where I also think I would do well, and that position starts on September 1, but is negotiable...

In my mind, I'm applying for a bunch of different positions, and I am not really expecting that I will get any of these first ones that I apply for. The last time I went through the job hunting and application process, I felt like it took a month or two for me to really hone my application skills and write killer cover letters. So if I did happen to get a "bite" on one of my applications, and someone wanted to hire me, I feel like things would happen much more quickly than I expected them to.

I really want to see the job description for the job in Mississippi. I think I would have a good shot at getting that one because I already know the director. I definitely need wisdom on this decision because that would be a big change!

Music

At the last show I did with my former band, I met a guy who was vitally interested in talking with me about playing cello for him. He emailed me last week and we met up after work yesterday to just talk about music. It was really good and somewhat affirming.

Hard Drive

I was trying to do some laundry on Saturday and as I went to pick up my laundry basket from beside my bed, I tweaked my back and managed to pull my computer off of my desk. So I literally crashed my hard drive.

It was pretty upsetting and the first thing I did was call my computer geek friend to see what could be done. The answer was, "nothing, I think you're gonna have to take it in."

I took it to Best Buy, where they told me that my data was irretrievable. But then I went to a barbecue, where there were a bunch of computer geeks. One of them thought he might be able to retrieve my data. So I picked up my hard drive from Best Buy and gave it over. I still haven't heard the results.

The good news is that there is now a new hard drive in my computer and it was covered under my extended warranty, so I don't have to pay anything. The bad news is that I can't get it back until I return the original hard drive.

In other good news, I found the data for my Master's degree that I thought I had lost on one of my flash drives. I didn't think I had backed-up my classwork, but I did. I'm relieved. Still sad about all the other stuff, like journal entries, pictures, and my music. So it would be fantastic if I could get my data back, but because I have the most important stuff on my flash, I'm better off than I thought I was.

My celebrity crush

I don't have one currently. I only have crushes on actual people, and not that often. I feel like the term "crush" implies some kind of obsession, which is not a very healthy thing to have. I know this was supposed to be a funny sort of question, but I really don't have an answer.

Moving on...

At church on Sunday, I listened to two sermons... one about envy versus jealousy, and one on anxiety. I did not realize that there is a difference between envy and jealousy, but there is. Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is wanting to protect or guard what you think is yours by right.

I realized that much of my current frustrations with my life arise out of envy. I am envious of what others have and as a result, I am not content with my life. I want a better job. I want a new car. I want to be free of debt.

There was a moment last week where I thought to myself, "All my striving is pointless." I realized how surreal life can be when I stop to think about the futility of all my activity.

When I am anxious, the worry shows me that I often care more about these things than about God and his plan for me.

I was convicted. I was reminded to be thankful.

Sunday was a good day. I had a real conversation with a new girl at church. I was paid to play cello at a fun party. I got to go to church in the evening. I have a friend who walked with me late at night when I needed to walk off my anxiety. We had an honest conversation about life. He told me to call if I need to talk this week and I know that he means it.

I had two people tell me last week that they think God is preparing me for something great. I was not ready to listen yet.

But now, the pain I'm feeling from the difficulties I faced last month is fading and I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to move on with my life.

Miscommunication

I'm having a rough week. After getting dropped by my band, I get a call from my dad who is upset because he didn't know I was going to New York for my cousin's wedding. After talking it over with everyone, I figured out that there were a lot of assumptions being made by everyone involved. Frankly, it just slipped my mind to let my parents know that I would be there. I'm really frustrated with everything in my life right now.

I want to make music so badly, and I'm feeling adrift. I have nowhere to play. I keep working to promote my instrument and then subsequently work myself out of positions. I started playing cello at this rad church last summer, but because of my schedule during the year, I had to drop that band. They liked the cello so much that they hired a full-time cellist. So I won't get to play with them this summer. Ironic.

I'm playing at a talent show this weekend. I'm playing the Prelude from Bach Unaccompanied Cello Suite #2. Bach wrote six suites for the cello, and every cellist learns them. Each suite has six movements, so there are 36 movements total.

I've always said that good cellists are always slightly depressed. I was debating between the Prelude from Suite 2, and a Gigue, which is a dance, and by nature is happier and a little more showy. I decided to play the Prelude instead because I have never performed it-- will probably never again have the opportunity to perform it because it is a sad piece. However, I think it is my favorite Prelude.

I should be able to play it well as it reflects my current state of mind at the moment.

Job Searching

I have been looking around to see what kinds of jobs are out there. Because I forgot to fill out some paperwork, my degree will not post for a year from now. I'm frustrated. This may impact my ability to get a job.

I applied for one job already (and got a nice rejection notice) and I should be applying for more but I think I am afraid of the change. I never thought of myself as that person, but I am really not looking forward to this particular transition.

Everyone tells me that I have great skills and experience, but I am still really worried about finding something new. I think my biggest fear is taking the wrong job, or worse, getting the right one and utterly failing at it. This is so weird because I'm normally pretty confident, but I think the idea of a change is shaking my confidence a little.

I struggle with motivation in my current position, but that has to do more with the fact that I'm not challenged in my job. Yet I am worried that I will fail at a job that challenges me. I know this is dumb because I always get things done, rise to the occasion, and all that.

The paradox is that I need the change, yet I am reluctant to face it. I am in the process of mentally preparing to face it. And I'll get to the acceptance phase probably sometime soon.

Weekend Blah

I've got the Monday blues. I'm not feelin' that great and I'm really tired which also means that I'm unmotivated. I think I used up all my motivation on Saturday, wherein I had a 3 hour orchestra rehearsal, a barbeque (which was fun!), then I went walking (because it was 90 degrees in SD on Saturday), went to the grocery store, made a mass amount of cookies which took me 3 hours, wrote a quick paper and then finally, went to bed. I was really tired. I actually had to make myself a to-do list on Saturday.

On Sunday, I got a late start. By the time I was ready to go, it was after 10am. So instead of going to my church, I visited the one on the corner. I got to meet some of my neighbors. There were hardly any young people there. I was talking with a friend about it, and we were wondering what makes a church or any organization thrive. We both agreed that it takes a core group of people spending time together and who are inviting others to be a part of it.

Hawkeyes for a night

Last week at band rehearsal:
Nate: So my parents are coming to town next week. They're really excited to meet you guys. They bought you all presents.
Me: Really? What did they get us?
Nate: I can't tell you. But its a sweet gift!

Last night at the show, we all met Nate's parents. They are from Iowa. They had presents for us--Iowa Hawkeye shirts. Mine was hot pink! We all wore our shirts from the show. I wish I had brought my camera last night!

I need some encouragement

I just realized that I missed the deadline for declaring my candidacy to graduate. I'm now getting the runaround from advisor types about whether or not I get to graduate in December. If my candidacy is not accepted, then my degree will not post until May 2009. I'm not optimistic.

Homework

I was kinda bored all weekend. Weird, with what all I have to do. On Friday, I hiked to Costco for some ice-cream. That's right. Hiked. That hill is wicked steep! I also practiced my cello quite a bit.

On Saturday, I went for a walk in the morning, had a meeting, and then just played around on the computer. I finally got around to actually getting some homework done. I finished this week's project, and let me say, I'm glad I got it done on Saturday, and that I didn't procrastinate. It took me about 6 hours! Plus I still have a group project to work on. I am really looking forward to the month of May, wherein I will get some time off from school.

Podcast and Encouragement

We had to experiment with podcasting for my class this week on social software and libraries. A podcast is actually an audio series (sort of like a radio show) that listeners can subscribe to using RSS feeds. However, most people will just download the single audio files of what they want to listen to, and don't actually subscribe to the series. So what I did for my class was create an audio file. I wouldn't really call it a podcast because it isn't part of a series...yet.

So for this experiment in audio, I decided to tell the story of the original Norman Rockwell painting that our library owns. It was actually stolen and returned in 1987. My "broadcast" got a great review from my professor and classmates, so I decided to send it to my boss. He LOVED it. That was really encouraging to hear, and he's thinks it could be fun to do a series.

Stories from the Studio

I recently met this guy after one of my band's shows. Let's just say he's a friend of a friend of a friend. We talked for an hour about fun, intellectual things. Turns out we have a lot in common, and I have been hoping that he would make an appearance at a show in the future. He has not yet made an appearance at any of the other shows we've played.

At the studio on Friday, I was talking with Nate's aunt. She had noticed that I was talking with this guy, and turns out he's good friends with her son. She was thinking that we (her son's friend and I) were getting along really well. She's throwing a barbeque in a few weeks and she's going to try and get her son's friend there. Awesome! Look at me, doing the whole social networking thing!

Community in YouTube paper

I just got my grade back on the paper I wrote on community formation in YouTube. My prof really liked it and thought I should try to publish it! That's awesome! I think it would need a bit of editing, some sections could be expanded a little, and there are still some long sentences that I could cut down. I don't know where a paper like this would fit in. I emailed the prof back to ask if she had any ideas about which publications would accept a paper like this. It isn't really a paper that has anything to do with library science.

Community and Craigslist

I just wrote a paper about community formation in YouTube, but I was thinking that perhaps I should have written about Craigslist. Here's the deal, I have a lot of personal examples about how Craigslist has influenced personal relationships. Here's a sampling:

Rob: Responded to a job advertisement posted by the pastor at church. I sat in on his interview and we hired him. Rob and I are now friends and we have been trying to create a faith-based community of high school kids.

Nate: Posted an ad for a cellist. I responded, met Nate, and now we're recording an album together. Not only are we recording, but we hang out. I've met a lot of his family and their friends. Talk about community formation. Music really does bring people together.

My Student Worker: Posted a missed connection. Found her guy because one of his coworkers saw the ad. These two found each other and dated for about 6 months.

F and Jane: You can read about them here.

I am absolutely fascinated by how many of my personal relationships (and community) have been influenced by the use of Craigslist.

A Note

Group project: DONE!

I'm a little sleep deprived and I forgot to set my alarm this morning. I was over an hour late to work. I'm glad that my supervisors allow me to be somewhat flexible in my schedule.

Weekly moment of comedy

My life yesterday resembled a sitcom yesterday and here's why. A guy friend of mine first sends me an instant message (names have been changed):

this is random... you know jane smith? musician?

54 minutes

12:29 PM me: yes.

12:30 PM we have played together many times.

12:33 PM F: cool

12:34 PM me: where'd you meet her?

F: long story

is she cool?

me: totally.

F: hip?

me: why?

F: smart?

cute?

me: check, check, and check.

why are you asking about cuteness...

do you like her?

12:35 PM I think she's cute, but I'm a girl.

F: well, technically i've never met her

gross

jk

me:you know what I mean.

I just rolled my eyes.

F: nice

me: we're friends...

F: crazy

12:37 PM small world

me:I'm now very curious.

12:38 PM F: just a random connection

me: friend of a friend?

F: yeah

me: did they date?

or something?

F: um, i don't know

more like friend of a friend of a friend

12:39 PM me: ah. 3rd degree connection.

or 2nd if you use me as one. :)

I see her a lot.

we talk occasionally.

she's a good musician.

12:40 PM I'll prob. be seeing her tonight at rehearsal.

F: crzy

don't say anything, that would just be random. she doesn't know who i am

but i thought i would just ask

me: yeah I won't.

12:41 PM F: ask who she is

nice, thanks for the randomness

12:42 PM me: yeah. no prob.

I enjoyed it immensely

That same evening, I run into Jane....

J: Robyn, I HAVE to talk to you. Do you have a minute?
R: Yeah what's up?
J: Okay. So my friend R met her boyfriend on Craigslist and she convinced me to post an ad and give it a try. I was getting all these responses and they were all mostly from guys named "snake." But there was one guy who seemed really cool. I stalked him online and saw that you were friends and I didn't know if you were just online friends or actual friends.
R: That is so funny.
J: So do you know him?
R: Yeah, we're friends.
J: Is he nice?
R: He's really nice, loves God, loves people...
J: Really? So you think I should meet him?
R: I think he is a friend worth having.
J: Okay, I don't know what I am going to do. Don't tell him I talked to you, okay?
R: That's cool.
J: Do you think I should tell him I know you?
R: That's up to you. If you don't want me to say anything, then I won't.

This is so amusing. So they both know that I know both of them, but they do not know that they have both talked to me. I also know that they have seen each other before, last year at a wedding I played in. They were both present. They might have even been briefly introduced. I am so amused.

At least I can vouch for each of their characters. That is good. I'm trying to convince Jane to hang out with me at some kind of social function where the guy would be present. That would truly make it a sitcom situation.

Researching the YouTube Community

I have to write this paper for a class I'm in about how online communities form. I decided to take a look at YouTube.

I think it is an interesting question, How DO online communities form? For example, I'm (obviously) a blogger. However, I do not really have a very large readership (that I'm aware of). I don't really interact with other people in blogger, and all I do is write. I don't comment on other people's posts, I haven't even really met anyone online so to speak. So what is my role in the community? Or am I even a part of one?

I do use both MySpace and Facebook frequently, and usually what happens there is that I'll meet someone in person and then either they will add me to their friends or I will add them. There's only one situation where I actually added someone I didn't really know... he is still on my friends list, but I wouldn't say we're REALLY friends.

However, I do believe in the power of social software... that's how I met Nathan, my bandmate. He had posted an ad on Craigslist, and I responded. We will be in the studio next month.

It is absolutely amazing to me how quickly that all happened, and I NEVER would have met Nate had it not been for Craigslist.

That's just one example of how the Internet brings people together in unexpected ways.

Studio

Yeah! I'm gonna be recording with Nate and the band next week! I'm so excited! We're going to record "Lifeguard" I think, which isn't really a song that will prominently feature cello. However, Nate just needs to get a song out there and test the waters. We're recording at StudioWest here in SD. So awesome.

Chronicles of the band

I don't know why I'm so self conscious, but it took me awhile to decide which casual but "rockin'" shirt I was going to wear to my band's first gig. Nate always wears a T-shirt, apparently (from other photos) his favorite is a black T-shirt that says, "black velvet" on it. So I can't dress up too much cause it looks disproportional compared to what all the guys are wearing. So I just wore my ringer tee. We had fun setting up and hanging out. Kyle disappeared for awhile and while he was gone, Nate reiterated how nice he is:

Nate: "Yeah, when Emily first met Kyle, she thought he was the nicest guy ever."
Eric (the drummer): "Yeah, he's a good guy."
Nate: "Kyle's the kind of guy that if he ever got beat up as a kid wouldn't do anything about it; would just be mellow, like 'I'm cool,' and then you'd get all mad at the person who beat him up and try to take him down!"

I thought that was a fun and creative take on Kyle. He really wouldn't be mean to anyone on purpose.

Nate, for whatever reason, is very quotable:

Nate on Eric's drumming: For the second time through, I'm not even remotely mad!
Nate on the band at rehearsal: All three of you are phenomenal! (to me and Kyle) I love you both! (to Eric) I only just met you today, I didn't think you'd be ready for me to drop the L-bomb on you yet.

Me to Nate: So I was wondering what the schedule looks like for March, cause I'm going out of town.
Nate: Well, we have a show on the 26th. But whatever, if you can't do it that's fine. (Pause). But I would be pretty much devastated if you couldn't do it.
Me: Really?
Nate: Well yeah, I'm just so tired of doing shows on my own.

Kristin acted as our paparazzi that night. At the end of the night:
K: So, as your paparazzi, I gotta tell you, you look depressed in every single picture I took of you.
R: Really? Yeah, I guess I am pretty serious when I play.
K: No, really, you SERIOUSLY look depressed or mad.
R: Well, I have to concentrate really hard on what I'm playing. I don't pay attention to my face...I guess I can work on it...
K: Um, yeah. Okay, just don't be mad that you look sad in all the pictures.
R: I won't.
K: No, really.
R: I promise.
K: Okay.

For a first show, not bad. There were a few mistakes, and I felt shaky on two songs, so I definitely have room to improve.

It was fun to have a lot of supporters there, and gratifying to know that we do actually sound good. I think the people were impressed!

I'm always filled with some self-doubt about these sorts of things because I always have this impending sense that I'm not as good as I thought. This does keep me humble to a certain extent, and makes me want to perform better the next time.

Michael B. after hearing that I was in a band commented on how a band really does bring people together. It's a great opportunity for me to get all my friends and acquaintances together at the same time for the same reason, to enjoy the music. I've worked hard to be able to play as well as I do, so it is great to know that there are so many people out there that support me.

I'm really looking forward to watching it all unfold.

Procrastination

I really procrastinated on a paper that was due last night. I was trying to think about why. The reason is not because I find the assignment difficult or challenging, but because I was not interested in writing on this particular topic. It was a too broad in my opinion, and I did not feel like I had enough resources to write this paper. This is ironic considering I am studying to be a librarian, and though I am familiar enough with how to find the information I need, this particular topic was SO broad that I had trouble pinpointing one or two key ideas on which to base my paper.

Reasons I procrastinate include:

1. Topic is too broad and I have trouble narrowing it down.
2. Not have enough information to make convincing arguments.
3. No interest in the subject I'm writing about.
4. Not understanding the contextual value of assignments-- if an assignment seems like busywork, then I'll just avoid doing it.
   

Some of these reasons do correspond to an article I read about why students procrastinate. I don't know why I'm so unmotivated in this particular class, but it borders on resistance. I am not an "engaged student" in this class.

However, the paper is now finished, and I can move on. I will gladly receive the "C" I deserve and continue on to enjoy the weekend.

Birthday Cake Tip

If there is powdered sugar on your birthday cake, you might want to reconsider using candles at the same time. I'm just sayin...

NEW CELLO!!!

Thanks to all my family and friends, I was able to purchase a new cello today. I am so grateful!

My virtual donation wall:
Tara, Trippe, Nancy, Adam, Duncan, Tracy, Mom, Dad, Sue, Jon, Grandma J, Grandpa Steve, and Grandma R.

Presentations and blogging

We have been studying blogs and blogging in my social software in libraries class. It has been a thought-provoking topic for me. I have been blogging for a long time it seems, and my purpose for starting this blog was to get better at writing.

As a result of our discussion, I have been thinking about what I would write about if I started a more "professional" blog, and whether or not I would be able to blog about interesting ideas, interact more with the library community and participate more. I'm not sure that I really have much to add to the conversation, but who knows until I try, right? I'm not going to convert this blog at all, it will remain a personal journal-type blog, that I don't really advertise to anyone that I know really.

The blog discussion led me to explore some ideas this morning about presenting. I have to create a presentation. It will be rather boring, I'm afraid, so I have been looking into trying to spice up the content with a good graphical presentation. I have been looking into alternative methods of presenting other than using powerpoint. I found an interesting idea about using Dreamweaver instead.

By using dreamweaver, the presentation becomes less linear and more visual. My problem is that I need to start thinking about how to represent my content in a more visual context, and really think about how I'm going to make this presentation interesting.

We have been talking in class about how to make blogs more engaging and interesting, and I find that there is a high degree of cross-over between making content interesting in both blogs and presentations.

I might give Dreamweaver a chance this afternoon.

Opening night

I played cello for Nate James last night, and had so much fun! However, there was some miscommunication about when we were supposed to start so all my friends showed up at the end of the set. There will be other opportunities.

The band that played after us consisted of a keyboard player and a guitar player, and they were such a mismatched pair. Not sure how they met or why they were playing together. Their styles were so different.

Finally, we couldn't take it anymore, so we went out to a karaoke place. That was fun. It was a fun night out.

Driver's License

I finally reached the point where the DMV required me to retake my picture in order to renew my license. When I originally got my license as a teenager, I had this internal debate with myself over what I should write down for my eye color and finally decided on "brown." They are brownish, but not quite brown because they have hints of green and yellow in them. So when I went in to renew my license, I changed my eye color to hazel. Which is what I probably should have put in the first place. I suppose most people don't get to change their eye color, so when the DMV lady looked at my application she asked, "Are you wearing contacts?" I said "no." And that was that.

I am the band

I have really been thinking about posting an ad on Craigslist to see if there are any bands out there who are looking for a cellist, or if they might want to play with one occasionally and instead, I found an ad for a cellist. I listened to this guy's music and then I contacted him. I think he and I are both excited about playing together. I think we are very compatible as musicians, and after talking with him, I think we'll be able to work well together.

He is exactly where I wanted a music partner to be... not quite there yet in terms of exposure and publicity, but someone who is an established musician and someone who is motivated to do well and take care of the managing part of the music scene.

So. Check out my new band mate: Nathan James.

He is excited because once we're ready to go, he can actually start advertising and promoting the "Nathan James Band." So I told him I wanted a shirt that says, "I am the band!"

Staff Paper

I've decided that I really want to attempt composing a piece for my string trio. Perhaps it will turn into a quartet. My friend Kyle wrote this song for guitar, and I'm going to try to arrange that first and see how it goes. So I bought some staff paper (blank music paper) today. It is thick and I like it because the lines are not super dark. I'm excited. I think I'm going to try and work on it tonight. It will be a challenge, but what a great piece it could be. I can hear the potential in it. Depending on what I come up with, it might stay true to the guitar part, but I can hear other melodies in my head on top of it, so it may morph into something slightly different.

I have always loved stationary and art supplies. I think it is because I like the idea of being creative. One of my favorite places as a kid was this lady's house. She had an art studio behind her garage and would teach art lessons to kids after school. She had construction paper, canvas, art paper, all kinds of paints, clay, markers, crayons, charcoals, watercolors, you name it, she had it. I always had the hardest time choosing what I wanted to work on and gravitated towards the clay. I have quite a few clay animals that I made when I was in first grade from her class. I loved the potential for creativity. That's what I see when I look at my nice, clean, blank pieces of staff paper: undiscovered melody.

Transitions

I asked my boss today if I could list him as a reference. I found a job I want to apply for, and I needed to let him know that I was looking. He asked if I would stay if they could find a position for me. I said yes. That would be ideal. I got some tears in my eyes because I like it here so much. I really wish I could stay. I hope he is able to make it happen.

Black Sunday

I'm working in the library. It is the Sunday before finals week on campus, and the students are restless. A few of them have just walked by, dropped to the floor, rolled a bit, and then stood up. I'm a little curious as to why this seems to be happening. Maybe they have eaten too much pizza and the carbs are all going to their heads. This is the LIBRARY and students come here to study. Except for the ones who come to be seen "studying" which is worse because this means that the library is the social place to be seen. Which also means that they get to talk to all their friends, in the library. I especially love the students who forget that they are in the library, or that they are not in an enclosed area (ie study room) and are talking so loudly that we can hear them all the way in the reference area.This is why today is known in my world as "Black Sunday," one of my least favorite days of the year.

Ummmmm...

Is it bad when I panicked in my dream last night becase I was given a "bad" grade on one of my assignments? And that my "bad" grade was a 91/100? What is WRONG with me???

Partial Christmas Song

Home again on Christmas Eve
My brothers hang lights on the tree
My sister sings while I play
carols on my guitar.

We all sing on the way to church
It's the only day all year

We light our candles
raise them high
Sing about a silent night

We sing
O Silent night
O holy night

I want a new cello...

I went to the music store yesterday with a friend of mine who wants to buy a cello. So I got to play all these beautiful instruments.

It is so frustrating to know that I cannot afford to buy a new instrument, and that I won't be able to afford one for at least 5 years. Not without going into a lot of debt.

See, right now, I owe a lot of money on my credit card. I get frustrated because it just seems like I'll never get them paid down.

Until I get a better job with a higher salary, there is no way I can afford a new instrument. And honestly, I kind of need a new car more.

I found a beautiful German cello at the shop for just under $4000. It sings so beautifully, and the playability on it is really high. I'm trying to figure out if there is any way to manipulate my finances so that I could possibly afford this thing... as long as my friend doesn't want it.

Ironic

I was just telling my friend Cathy about how I had to play Ave Maria as a cello solo at the wedding, and about how I had only heard it all the way through twice in my life because I don't really like it...

I was at Burger King at the mall this morning where there is also an ice rink. Guess what one of the skaters was skating to? That's right. Ave Maria.

Restless Mind

I'm at the reference desk. It is COLD here today. My fingers are numb. When I got here it was 65 degrees. Now, the temperature is up to 68. I'm still cold.

Thoughts

There's a loud tractor outside my office window.
I want to play cello more, maybe I'll post on Craigslist to find a band to be a part of...
Why am I so unmotivated right now...?
I should really be getting some work done.
I wish I had a good idea for a research project.

and finally, I don't want to do my homework.

Buckeyes and Boys

I went to watch the Ohio State game tonight at a local bar with a friend of mine who is a Buckeye fan, wherein there were some shepherds sitting at the table next to ours. Well, they weren't really shepherds, but they were dressed up for Halloween. They might have been wisemen... There were three of them and they were all dressed the same. One of them started talking to me. I said something about how I couldn't tell them apart because they all looked alike (because of what they were wearing). He got "insulted" and told me I was mean because I thought they all looked alike (and they didn't???). He turned his turban away from me and told me to "talk to the towel." My tablemates were wondering what the heck this guy was doing. I told them that he was ignoring me because I insulted him. They all started laughing. Then later, he decided to take a picture "of the mean girl." I made a face with my eyes rolled. Then my friend asks me, "did he just take your picture?" I said, "Yes. Yes he did." And everyone at my table started laughing again.

Bottom line: Some drunk guy in a fake turban who doesn't know my name and who thinks I'm mean now has a picture of me on his camera. What's the point? Seriously.

I love technology...

It is definitely Monday.

So I cleared a registered user through my database today, and thought nothing of it (because this normally works fine). What happens when I clear people is that my program sends an automatic email.

After I cleared this person today, I started getting a ton of emails from random people because somehow they got the email that was supposed to go only to the new registered user. Ummm, giant red flag.

I looked at the email and realized there was a typo in the user's email address, the user had put a comma after the domain and not a period. Turns out the whole education department received this email. Good times.

Guess I'm the spammer of the week.

There is a season...

My neighbor, Nikitas, died unexpectedly last night. He and his wife, Georgia, own the duplex that I rent, and the live in front of me. I am kind of at a loss for how to respond in these kinds of situations. My other neighbor, Carmela, is also grieving. There's a lot of tension and emotional chaos around this place right now.

On the same night, my other neighbor gave birth to a baby girl. They live across from me. The baby is healthy and well.

What a poignant moment, when life ends and begins in the houses that border the same small courtyard.

Relational Pursuit

In just the past week, I had two people quote things back at me that I had said to them at one point or another.

Kyle reminded me about a conversation we had about being fully engaged in relationships even when you know you're not going to be around for awhile. If you hold back because you think that it's not worth the short amount of time that you're in a certain place, then you pass up an opportunity to learn from people that God may have put in your life for a reason. I fully believe that sometimes we're friends with certain people for seasons. You remember them with fondness, and they may have taught you something, but you don't necessarily keep in touch. I have many friends like this.

Jenn M. reminded me that we had a conversation about relationships, and how our best friends (whether male or female) put in an equal amount of effort. All my best friends are those that have pursued me as a friend.

Anyway. Kind of cool that they remembered what I said, and it makes me think about how I need to be careful what I say sometimes, because apparently, people take me seriously.

I'm writing late cause it is one of those nights where I have a lot on my mind. I'm tired, but I'm not ready to go to bed. And it is going to KILL me tomorrow.

Good Quote

I wrote this to a new friend of mine in an email, and I think it is well-worded:

I like to think that I have options within God's plan. Not very presbyterian of me I have to admit. But I think God uses our unwise decisions for good. It isn't always clear which direction you're supposed to take, and you won't know 'til you try one. --RR

Communicating with Gen-Next

This morning at church, two of the girls from high-school youth group were there early. I said "hi" then sat down to listen to the band practice before I headed over to our kids' area. One of them texted me and told me she "officially" now has a boyfriend. I texted her back and asked, "Does your mom know?" Then she texted me and told me that her mom thinks that she doesn't know boys even exist. Then I told her she should try to bring him along tomorrow night to group.

The whole time we were texting, we were sitting across the aisle from each other, and could have talked about it. So funny. What a different communication style these kids have.

I sometimes feel like for all that I'm 11 years older than these high schoolers, I'm still just really my 14 year old self trapped in a 30 year old body. I really don't feel like I know all that much more. Maybe more about myself.

Rain

I decided to take a walk this morning. The sun was peeking out from behind the clouds. It felt like the first true day of fall to me... cold, and a bit cloudy with a definite chill in the air. About halfway to my destination (breakfast) it started to rain a little. It was enough that I thought about turning around, but then decided that since I was almost there anyway, I kept going. Once I reached my destination, it started to pour. I got absolutely soaked. Then I had to walk back home. And wouldn't you know it but it stopped raining once I was halfway home.

Dead Rat

So I went to the archives a few days ago and decided to clean out the office. That's when I noticed a dead rat, right by the desk. I had been stepping around it for at least an hour before I noticed it. It had been dead for awhile.

My long lost friend: Part 2

I got to spend some time with my long lost friend yesterday. It was like we were never apart. I love friends like that. I went to her place after checking out the chapel at the Marine Corp Recruit Depot. What a great place! I'm playing cello there for some friends of mine in about a month. They were both there yesterday morning. It was fun hangin' with them. Since Dave is a marine, they are doing the traditional sword arch at the end of the ceremony and so the friend in charge of it was there too. He was such a cool guy. He's the kind of guy that gives me hope that there are still nice guys out there. Anyway. After that, I called up my friend Rachel (the formerly lost friend) and we spent the afternoon catching up. We took a nice long walk to get ice-cream, and talked the whole time. It was great. We have so much in common. When we got back to her place, she got out her guitar, and I got out my cello and we played together for a bit. I'm so glad she's in town and that we're back in touch.

Rachel has been all over the place and lives out of two duffel bags. She works mostly as a server for a cruise line and when she's off the ship, she decides to go to different places and live there for short periods of time. She also worked at a summer camp as a ceramics instructor. It was great to see her again. I'm glad she's in town.

My long lost soul sister

I cannot even remember my trail of thought that led me to find a friend that I have not talked to in ten years! We went to Africa with the same group and of all the people in that group, I think she and I were the most similar. I love the free spirit in her, the strength of her faith and her mad guitar playing skills. One night, we sat around and did beat poetry with these bongos that some of us had purchased at the marketplace. So funny. Apparently, I have the gift of rhyme, and she and I had everyone laughing over our "poetry." I think she is my long lost soul sister.

Well, I found her through a social networking site, which is amazing considering she is not "friends" with any of the other friends of mine that went on that trip. I was just thinking about her and remembered that I had an old email address for her in my old email account which I retain as a "junk" mail account. So I looked her up by name and found her.

And in her profile, it says that she just moved to San Diego. My response: Are you kidding me?

I really hope she messages me back or gives me a call. I'm wondering how recently she moved to San Diego and whether she has any friends here yet. If she does not, then this is totally a God thing because it can be so lonely to move to a place where you do not know anyone.

Camping

Pre-Day 1: I planned this event for my church on the night before I went camping. I was talking to my camping friends about it and the conversation went something like this...

Me: So, I have to go to this thing on Friday night. I'll probably be back late so it should be fine as long as we're not leaving at 5am.
Tara: We are.
Me: Dang it!

In addition to preparing to wake up ridiculously early in the morning on Saturday and my event, I had to prepare to leave by providing my boss with directions for how to do my job. I also had school work to complete. So after my event on Friday night, I came back to my office to finish up my work and to complete my homework for school. It was a late night, and I did not go to bed until 1am.

Day 1, Saturday: Got up at 4:30am after telling myself that it was a nice 3 hour nap. Grabbed all my stuff and drove over to Tara's. I admitted to all my friends that I would be grumpy that morning and I mostly slept in the car until we hit LA, where we stopped for breakfast. Then I took yet another nap. I was sort of awake for some of the central valley drive, and then I woke up again once we were in Clovis. I was awake for the rest of the trip. We got up to Sequoia and set up camp at around 1:30pm. The goal was to find a rock to climb that afternoon because we wanted to climb everyday if possible. So we drove around and the boys stopped to ask at this resort whether they knew anywhere to climb. This led to a fantastic find: Chimney Rock. As Trippe tells it now, we could have stayed in Sequoia for a month and gone to this spot every day to do a different route. We ended up climbing Crystal Rock, which is huge. The other cool thing about this spot was that after about 1pm, the sun dipped behind the rock and we were able to climb in the shade. Awesome. I did not climb the first day which meant that I got to climb first(ish) the next day. I introduced the group to Mexico camp burritos for dinner, which were received very well. I got Kudos for using the pre-cooked chicken. This recipe consists of pre-cooked mesquite chicken from Costco, pinto beans, and cheese in an extra large tortilla. Then I brought out my guitar and sang for everyone around the campfire.

Day 2, Sunday: We woke up and had a leisurely breakfast, got checked in by the campground host, and then I asked about hiking in the area. The host gave us a great suggestion for a short 3 mile hike to Boole Tree. I do not remember the exact history of this tree, except that in this particular area, it was the only one that was not chopped down. As a result, it is the largest tree in the area. We almost missed it because we went the wrong direction on the trail. We started down the trail that would have taken us back to the car without realizing that's what we were doing. We got to see the tree (and hug it) and then we started hiking back to the car. Out of this group of people, I was the slowest hiker. This was okay with me, but it meant that sometimes I could not keep up. My friends were nice about it though, and would wait for me. What this meant was that we eventually caught up to the two fast hikers who were stopped on the trail. There was this sound like running water; there could have been a stream nearby, but we quickly realized that it was a rattle snake...one that was feeling threatened, and it was right in the middle of the trail. We could have gone around it, but we had passed a family that was doing this same hike with some young children. We wanted to get the snake to move off of the trail. So after trying to scare it off (without effect) one of the guys grabbed a REALLY long tree branch that had fallen and used it to move the snake off the trail. No harm to us or the snake. After that bit of drama, we found this nice picnic area and had lunch. Then it was off to climb again. Larry did this day's lead climb (Tara had done the previous day's lead climb) and it was somewhat scary. Then we found out when he got to the bottom that he hadn't secured the rope quite right. It was secure, but not as secure as it needed to be. So then Trippe had to climb up there and redo the securing. When he got back down without any problems, we heaved a collective sigh of relief. Then it was my turn. The beginning of this climb was the hardest, so Trippe gave me a small boost and that was enough for me to make it all the way up. It was really fun, and gave me a feeling of accomplishment. It was a challenge, but not impossible. After Tara cleaned it all up, we took a sunset break and took some great pictures from our view of the valley. We barely made it back to the car in the light. Everyone was tired, so we cooked dinner and Tara and Trippe went to bed. I stayed up a bit and played more guitar, but it wasn't very long.

Day 3, Monday: We got up early on this day so that we could do a hike that we had heard about called, "Mist Falls." We ate breakfast and packed lunch. Then we drove for about 90minutes to the trail head. The sign at the trail head said that it was about 4.6 miles to the Falls. I was worried about this hike because I'm really out of shape in terms of my athletic ability. My fears (at the beginning) were put to rest by the wide and mostly even (not uphill) path. The pace, however, was somewhat faster than what I would have done on my own. I managed to keep up until we started climbing uphill. This happened probably about 3 miles into the hike. With about a mile left to go, I could feel that I needed to stop and rest more frequently than everyone else in my group because I was starting to breathe rapidly. When I was in high school running for soccer, I used to have the same thing happen after we would do wind sprints. In those soccer practices, sometimes I used to start wheezing. I think I have exercise induced asthma. It isn't bad, but I recognize the signs, and on this particular hike, I knew I was getting close to the wheezing stage. So I stopped and took a breathing break, and as I did, one of the guys actually came back for me. I was glad. We took a rest and I got my breathing more under control, and Larry told me that we only had about 10 or 15 minutes to go (Thank God!). So we finished the hike together at my more leisurely pace, and I got to rest. The river was very cold and I dunked my head cause I hadn't had a shower in 3 days. That felt really good. After hangin' out up by the Falls, we hiked back. Downhill is SO much easier than uphill and I made it back with only one blister. We ate lunch in the car, and then went back to our favorite climbing spot. We didn't take a sunset break that night and made it back to camp in time for me and Tara to bucket wash our hair. After dinner, we had smores and talked around the campfire. I got out my guitar and sang everyone to sleep. I gotta say, my callouses on my fingers are now amazing.

Day 4, Tuesday: Today was the day we drove from Sequoia to Big Sur. What a drive!! I cannot figure out what route we took, but it was a really fun drive across the central valley and then North to Carmel. Then we drove along the Northern coastline. I know I've done this drive with my parents once before, but I do not remember it. It was beautiful. We got to our campsite in the afternoon, and just rested. We put up our tents and took showers. We went out to eat that night at this small (and expensive) local restaurant.

Day 5, Wednesday: This was another early morning as our destination was Pinnacles state park, about a two hour drive away from where we were staying. So we packed up our climbing and hiking gear and hit the road. I was sitting in the backseat for this trip, and Larry was practicing his knots (a climber's best friend). So I had him show me a knot (can't remember what it is called) that you use to eliminate weak points in a climbing rope. In other words, you use this knot when a rope is weak, partially ripped, or cut. I got it down, and now I need to see if the lesson stuck! Pinnacles was a different kind of park. We got to hike through some caves, saw a HUGE boulder aptly named the "Monolithe" and through the use of Tara's guidebook, made our way to a rock that was recommended to us by an outdoor adventure guy we met in Sequoia. He told us that there was only one shady spot for climbing in the entire park. Thankfully, no one was at this particular spot. The four other members of my group went up to check out the top of the rock while I journaled and watched the rest of our gear. Turned out this was a good thing because they needed their harnesses to set up the climb. So they threw a rope down and I had to do some boulder scrambling to get the harnesses to them. I tied them to the rope using a very beautiful figure-8 knot and had them pull them up. They laughed when they got the harnesses and commented on the lovely knot I had tied. Then I had a rather dangerous scramble back down to the gear. About 20 minutes later, the climbs were set. However. I noticed that one of the ropes was ridiculously close to a small patch of poison oak. Based on the position of the rope, it was possible it had brushed up against it. As the native Californian of the group, I pointed it out.

Me: Ummm, did you guys happen to notice that there's a bit of poison oak right there? Is it possible that it touched the rope?
Trippe: Are you sure that's poison oak?
Me: Well, it has three leaves and looks like oak. I'm pretty sure it is.

So then I had the group pray for protection against it, because that would have been a complete disaster to have it on the rope, and therefore on everyone's hands, and from there, pretty much everywhere, all over our gear, etc. We climbed all afternoon. One of the climbs was really hard. I did not get very far on it at all, but the other one was easier, and I made it all the way up. Then we hiked out, and once we were in town, decided to stop for pizza. I paid cause it was my idea and everyone was complaining about the cost. I don't mind. I just wanted everyone to be able to rest without worrying about the price of things. We got back to camp, showered, and went to bed.

Day 6, Thursday: Our last full day of fun. First we asked around about potential places to boulder, and after hiking a ways along this river we decided not to continue due to the large amounts of poison oak blocking our path. We had to cross the river twice, and on the first time across, I slipped a bit and dunked my shoe. My sock was wet the entire day, and I had to bleach the inside of my shoe when I got back to get rid of the mildew that had started to grow in there. So we ended up bouldering underneath this bridge. This was fun and Trippe fell twice into the water. Not good when you are wearing climbing shoes. Later that morning, we hiked to Pfeiffer Falls, a smallish waterfall in Big Sur. We also hiked up to a panoramic scenic view. This was a relatively easier hiking day and the views were spectacular. Then we "hiked" about 10 minutes to see Julia Pfeiffer falls, which is another waterfall that falls into the ocean. This was not very big either, but the view was amazingly pretty. The water was a true aqua. Not blue or brown like it is in the South. We drove along the coast to see if we could find a grocery store because Tara had the brilliant idea to have a steak dinner. We did not find one where we were looking, but Trippe decided he would drop the rest of us off at the campsite and then go get food for dinner in town. The rest of us agreed to this. So three of us were dropped off, and I got put in charge of the potatoes. So after my shower, I washed and cut up the potatoes, wrapped them in foil and put them on the grill. I also grilled the steaks and the veggies. Yum. This was a great idea. For our last night, I took requests on guitar and sang everyone to bed. The last song I played is called "I've been redeemed" by this guy named Tim Yee. I really like it, and felt it was appropriate for the final song. Then everyone went to bed.

Day 7, Friday: We drove all day back down to San Diego. I stayed awake to make sure that Tara was going to be okay all the way back. I think we started driving at about 7:30am, and we got back at about 5:30pm. Tara and her friend were planning on going to a church thing that night, so I offered to drive them, knowing that they would both be really tired.

It was a great trip.

One last thing. At some point during this trip, Trippe gave me a nickname. He started calling me "boo." I have no idea. This is funny to me. But it warms my heart at the same time. I feel like it is his way of showing me that he cares and it makes me feel included. Tara and Trippe are dating, and I really hope it works out for them. I'm going to be really sad if it doesn't.

Milestone

I'm very close to a significant weightloss goal: 20 pounds. I am not quite there yet, but I wanted to celebrate a different but similar milestone in my life: I am under 200 pounds for the first time in years. I think that is quite the accomplishment. I still have a ways to go as far as my overall goal, which I haven't shared with very many people at all. I just do not like talking about this with most people. There are four people total in my life that I've told about my goals, but that's it. But my goal is to lose 30 more pounds. I am losing weight at a rate of one pound per week. So this is going to take me awhile, and I have a feeling that after I lose about 15 more pounds, it will start getting harder for me to lose the weight without a significant increase in the amount of exercise I'm doing. I'm really excited because I think after 10 more pounds, people are going to start noticing. I noticed that my "nice" pants that I wore yesterday to jury duty looked "fat" on me, meaning they were loose and baggy, and did not fit me well at all.

This brings me to another goal that I have to set: No buying expensive nice pants until I've lost at least two pants sizes. I do not have enough money to buy clothes that I'll be in and out of in six months...that's how serious I am about the plan this time. I just spent $10 on a pair of pants that will be tight on me until I lose an extra 10 pounds, but I'm anticipating that I'm going to need them soon. I may also have to find all the pants (that I still have) that used to fit me. Some of them are still pretty nice.

Bittersweet

Last night was my last night playing with the Harbor Uptown band for awhile. I will miss them so much! Playing with them has been the highlight of my week through the summer.

From an email we (the band) got from our worship leader guy today:Got lots of gushy feedback about the music last night. Someone even put a note in the offering box saying how much they loved the cello solo in Jordan's Stormy Banks. You guys do such an outstanding job I am just bedazzled. You ALL are the best one!

To all of you at Harbor Uptown: Thanks for an awesome summer and creating a wonderful example of a worshipful community. I will miss you tremendously, and will be counting down the months (9!) until I get to come back!And to whoever loved my cello solo in "Jordan's Stormy Banks," and wrote it down in the offering box, thank you! This compliment/comment made today even better.

Appropo

Note from Julie, my coworker, on a post-it, with magnetic poetry:

Today's word is: cacophony

This made me laugh. Why? Because they have been deconstructing the patio right outside my office window. Jack hammers are loud.

Dinner

I had to attend a class in Fullerton this week and so I'm currently at my parents' place. They are out of town, so I called up this guy friend of mine, Blake, who lives in the area. We had dinner. It was so good to see him. He is another friend of mine with whom I can have "real" conversation with, no matter how long it has been since we've seen each other. I wish we could have spent more time together. Alas, he has to get up early tomorrow, and so do I, so we both had to leave right as the conversation was getting good. Oh well. I still drove home smiling the whole way.

Music

I am meeting a few more people who are creative in ways I did not expect. This is exciting. Until now, I have never had such a burning desire to create and to create well. It is difficult to create things of meaning or beauty. I cannot usually create unless I have a really good idea or unless I have some inspiration.

I really want to be in a band, or at least be able to create collaboratively with a purpose. I wish I had more talent.

Get Excited!...

...is my new favorite phrase, adopted from my sister and her roommate.

I have been making an effort to live healthier and it showed when I tried on the dress I ordered for my brother's wedding in September. I got measured in May, and the dress is too big. At least a size too big. I'm going to have to get it altered. I do not think I'll lose that much more weight before the wedding, but I'm hoping for at least 5 pounds. I don't think 5 pounds will impact the alterations all that much.

This really showed me that I have lost weight. I haven't been able to really "see" it since I haven't gone down a pants size yet. I can still wear all the clothes I've been wearing.

I do not like to talk about this very much out of respect for all the girls I know who struggle with body image. I don't really. I was happy with the way I looked, I just know that my body would appreciate carrying less weight, and I know that my eating habits were atrocious.

Limb of Shame

I talked to Laurel on Tuesday, and went over to Tara's for dinner that night. I had been mentally hangin' out on a limb of shame and they helped talk me down, for which I am very thankful.

What happens in Vegas...

...stays in Vegas, well, except for this.

Went out with the girls for a bachelorette party in Vegas last weekend. At one of the clubs we met a guy who is from my hometown. He turned out to be really cool, was kind to me and my friends, and was a gentleman. He told me that he was in school to get a Doctorate in Psychology. After spending a good portion of my evening with him, this is what transpired:

Amy (grumpily) to me: Ugh. I just need to lean against the bar, but I don't want any creepy guys near me. My feet hurt and I'm tired.

Me (in her ear): Well you can lean on it here, and don't worry, this one's nice (referring to the guy from my hometown).

The guy to me (after eavesdropping): Did you just call me nice?

Me to the guy: Yeah, why, did you want to be referred to as something else?

The guy: I guess not.

Me to the guy: Because let's be honest, since that's going to be your new profession, would you want to be anything other than nice?

The guy: No, not really.

Me: Well, okay then.

Of all the girls in the group, I would have voted myself "least likely to meet a guy in a bar in Vegas." Just goes to remind me that nothing is impossible.

Update

Have I done much of anything on my list? Well, sort of. I haven't done as much music stuff as I would have liked.

Last night, I went swimming with my buddy Ryan G. and then went rock climbing with my friend Melanie. It was so fun! I did a climb I didn't think I could do. It was at a more advanced level...but I did it!

I am SO tired today, and all I want to do this weekend is rest. But I'm going to Vegas. So it will be a no rest weekend, although I am hoping to go to bed early tonight and/or take a nap at some point on Saturday.

The reason for the Vegas trip is a bachelorette party for Tracy, Duncan's fiance. Should be a good time. I fly out in about an hour. Maybe I'll get to nap on the plane.

To Do List

1. Create a presentation for Wednesday night
2. Rehearse with the band (7-9pm tonight)
   
3. Finalize set list for kids' camp next week
4. Write out lyrics for camp on poster board
5. Practice the songs on guitar
   
6. Memorize lines for the skit I'm in
7. Find a wide black belt
8. Buy a gift for Tracy
9. Do laundry
10. Pack for Vegas this weekend
11. Go to the bank to pay rent
    

Untitled

I took a nap today. Bad decision. I'm now really feeling awake, and I need to go to sleep. I have all this pent up energy and angst right now, and so I tried to walk it off. Sometimes really fun weekends make me feel more alone at the end of them.

Simple Autumn

Verse 1
In autumn
The leaves change
I stand there
Contemplating
The wind blows
My face gets cold.

Verse 2
In autumn
The leaves fall
I stand there
Colors swirl 'round
I see them
Red, Orange, and Brown

Chorus
In autumn,
Nothing stays the same
In autumn
All the colors change
In autumn, In autumn
Everything will change

Verse 3
In autumn
I see how
Everything can change
The night grows longer
But there is
Hope in change

Chorus
In autumn,
Nothing stays the same
In autumn
All the colors change
In autumn, In autumn
Everything will change

Ending
But there is hope in change

"I will not take these things for granted..."

I woke up this morning in a really thankful mood--thankful that the day was sunny and warm, thankful for my friends, and thankful that I had nothing that I HAD to do. So I went rock climbing for three hours this morning with Tara and some new guy friends of ours. Then we had lunch together. After lunch, we all went our separate ways, and Tara invited me to go surfing with her. I have only tried surfing once before. You can read about it here.

Trippe (our new friend) offered to teach me how to surf. He said he had a good track record...everyone he has taught so far has stood up in their first time out. I was kind of nervous, but willing to try. So I tried a few times, and stood up, but lost my balance without ever stabilizing. Then I caught a great wave; it was strong and fast. I had enough time to fully get myself up, and I did it--stood up on a surfboard.

Tara is sort of "seeing" Trippe, and I asked her what her favorite thing of the day was. She said, "watching Trippe teach you to surf...you should have seen the look on his face when you stood up!" He is a really cool guy. I don't know that I'm ready to try again yet, but I can say that I've stood on a surf board in the ocean!

This was probably my most favorite day of the summer so far, and I'm feeling very thankful that it was such a great day.

Driving to work

I brought a drink with me in the car to drink while I was on my way to work...a snapple iced tea. Well, of course I couldn't get the plastic off and I spilled the drink all over my pants. So I went into our bathroom and rinsed them out. No shame. My pants are still wet. But they will dry pretty soon. The material is pretty thin.

I gotta say though, this is the first time in a LONG time that I have spilled on myself like that. It used to happen a lot when I would go to Taco Bell for lunch. My theory is that the lids at Taco Bell are flimsier than at a lot of other places, so they are more likely to break, crack, or fall off the cup. However, the Taco Bell we used to go to shut down. I never go there anymore. This makes me sad.

Letting Go

I somehow managed to just let go of all the stress from my class. I am feeling pretty calm about it. Maybe its because the band guys prayed with me last night. Maybe it is because I do not have as much to do this week. Maybe it is because I talked to the professor on Monday morning. Or maybe it is a combination of all of the above.

Youth Group

I have been helping out with the high schoolers at church. We meet on Monday nights. I can't believe I've been doing this for almost a year. Crazy. Anyway, Rob, the leader, called me up on Monday at about 3:45pm. He started babbling about how its okay if we're not consistent in our meetings and was telling me things like, "well, the kids said they wanted to come tonight, are you going to be there?" And I said, "Yes, I was planning on it..." I was really confused. Consistency is high on my list of values when I fully commit to a ministry. Then I remembered that Rob is usually coaching football at around the time he called me. So I asked, "Aren't you at practice right now? What's going on?" Then he said, "Nope, I'm out of town." That was my "aha" moment. So he wasn't going to be there, and was concerned that the kids weren't going to show up cause he wasn't there.

Well, four of them came, and they didn't know that Rob wasn't going to be there either. Rob's birthday was last week, and one of the girls brought him a cake. So funny. They were all mad cause he wasn't there. So I have the cake in my freezer, and they are going to make him eat it when he comes back.

The cool thing about the study that Rob wrote is that he wrote it in a conversational style, so the kids felt like Rob was there with us. It was a good topic... When God feels far away.

The Other Grape Vine

If you travel all the way through California on the 5 freeway, you will eventually have to drive through the Grape Vine. The Grape Vine is the only way to get from Southern CA into the Central Valley. Last weekend, my mom and I traveled up to Hanford to go to a wedding shower. Normally, this drive should take 3, maybe 4 hours. Well, we hit major traffic. It was awful. We weren't moving anywhere, and could not get off the freeway. It was a parking lot because a truck jack-knifed ahead of us and was blocking 3 of 4 lanes. We sat on the freeway for 4 hours. One lady had to go to the bathroom so bad that she got out of her car and went right on the freeway in front of her car. Well, I would have too.

Other than that, it was a really fun trip. Sometimes trips aren't restful. But this one was. It felt like a vacation.

Kids' Camp Theme Song 2007

Jesus came down from the heavens,
lived a perfect life
A life I cannot live no matter how hard I try
Though I was a sinner Jesus died for me
I asked Him for forgiveness and he saved me

Chorus:
I will follow Jesus 'cause he loves me
He died on the cross and he set me free-ee
I will follow Jesus 'cause he loves me
He loves me!

©Robyn Reid 2007

Galatians

I have been feeling really tired and overwhelmed. I want to escape from my life. I'm feeling angry, bitter, frustrated and tired almost all the time. The only time I don't is when I'm physically playing music, on my guitar or on my cello.

Kyle came over yesterday and helped me learn how to play the new song I wrote. I'm going to have to practice it.

Tara is seeing this guy she met at church. He seems cool so far. I went over last night to give her a funny card about her new relationship status and he was there. I'll be praying for both of them. He's a really nice guy and I can't help but be a little envious. I am glad for her though cause she is one of my favorite people in sd, and the last relationship she had was not so good. She's really happy and its awesome to see.

I have two papers and two presentations due by Thursday, so I'm probably going to take the rest of the day off today and most of tomorrow. There's no way I'll be able to finish the work otherwise. And I really NEED to go to band practice tonight. I need the support of my Christian musician friends as I muddle through the week and my life.

I titled this post Galatians because Paul says this to the Galatians: What has happened to all your joy?

I do not know why I cannot be joyful. I want my joy back. I pray that God would reveal to me my stumbling block; my sin so that I may be free from it and experience joy.

Grape Vine

My landlady planted a grape vine that grows across the fence where I live. During the winter, it is just a sick looking twisted plant. It looks dead. Then in spring, it started to grow. It is now July, and the vine has taken over the fence. I have had to rescue my party lights from the vine's tendrils. This morning, the "fingers" of the vine grabbed my hair three times. If I slept against the fence one night, I would not be surprised if in the morning, the vine had wrapped itself around my hair or a finger.

Jesus said once, "I am the vine, you are the branches." Having seen a grape vine grow in my front and backyard, this phrase has new meaning for me. The main part of the vine is always present. When the vine sends out branches, it grows very quickly. And it is important for the gardener to prune those branches at the end of the growing season so that the vine remains healthy. These are just a few observations about the vine.

Band Stuff

All the people in the band at church are pretty talented. I knew they were talented, but what I realized today is that at least three members have been in bands that have toured and that have gotten a small degree of national publicity.

I love my band.

Pre-Fourth

Every year, I struggle with my family's 4th of July party. See, the thing is, I never want to go. I think I make it about every other year. Mostly because I've started saying "no" and also because I got sick over the fourth once. I'd rather spend the fourth with friends. Have a barbecue, just hang out at home.

Everyone else in the fam loves going. I don't. This year, we're doing a family photo, so I actually have been coerced into going.

I just got a text from one of my sisters: Two days and counting! See you in Newport!

I just can't relate.

Swimming

My friend Ryan G. convinced me to get back in the pool. I have not been swimming (workout-wise) for at least a year and a half. So I found my suit, and my goggles, and started going. I've been swimming once a week so far, and have gone twice. I'm so SLOW. If I keep trying, I'll get faster eventually.

I took some high school kids to the beach yesterday, and I swam out past where the waves were breaking, and then swam back in. That was a lot tougher than I remember. It reminded me that I need to respect the ocean. I was more sore from swimming in the ocean for maybe 200 yards in and out than I was after swimming 1500 meters in the pool. The ocean has a current and on the way back to shore, I had to push myself to beat the current.

I already have the speedo "X" on my back in the form of tan lines from my bathing suit, and since I have to be in my brother's wedding at the end of summer in a strapless dress, I'm trying not to get any tan lines. I bought a rash guard to stave them off. Hopefully that will work since it is not fun to swim in a two-piece. They just don't feel as secure when I'm swimming fast.