Crafty!

I realized I really needed to get some artwork up in my bathroom because it is very neutral. After going to a number of crafty-type stores today, I knew I was going to have to make my own. It always amazes me that my initial idea always morphs into something cool and different. So here's what I made today. The angle is weird cause I didn't want the lights reflecting off of the glass in the frame:


So this is kind of funny to me, because it is still too neutral. Oh well. It looks cool. I was going to use the part I cut out on top of some other, more colorful paper, and then changed my mind because the inverse looked neat. Anyways.

Vacation

I'm at my sister's place in San Diego. I was going to go for a jog this morning in the lovely Cali sunshiny weather, but I ran out of time. I'm waiting for my friend to come pick me up. I think we're going to go for a walk and then have lunch after. I miss my friends here so much. I'm committed to staying in Texas for awhile. I'm not moving back to CA anytime soon. Part of my homesickness is dealing with that idea.

I am making new friends in Texas, but I'm feeling that it takes a lot of time to develop the deepness that I crave in friendships. So I have made some friends in Texas that I think will become good friends, but it is going to take me some time to work on them.

Hide and seek

I'm still on vacation, and it's nice. I've been all up and down the California coast. I have lots of stories from this trip already and it isn't over yet.

I got to go to Big Bear with the fam. I have an eight year old niece, and she, like most little kids, wants to play all the time. My three sisters offered to play hide and seek with her while the rest of us were hangin' out in the living room. I was sitting by the fire and watching TV in the middle of the game when my sister Megan comes up to me and says, "Quick! Give me your sweater and hat!" I was like, "Okay..." so I gave her the sweater and hat. Then she says, "Now GO HIDE!" So I did. The count was to 30, and my niece was on 20 when I had to go hide. So I ran to the closet and hid in there. Well, apparently, my niece walked right by Megan, and then came to the closet where I was hiding. She opened the door and I said, "Hi!" and scared her. My niece says, "Hey, you weren't playing this game, were you?" Meanwhile, my other sister, who was helping my niece find people starts laughing. We all walk back into the living room where Megan is wearing my hat and my sweater and doing a great job looking like me. We are seven years apart, but we we look a lot alike. We have always looked alike even though there are a lot of years between us and we have the same build. My niece still didn't figure it out even with both of us in the same room. My step-mom had to cover her face with a pillow to keep from laughing out loud.

I'm not sure that Megan and I could ever pull this trick again, but it was so funny that she was able to hide in plain sight.

Ipod

I'm getting ready to fly back to see my family in CA, so I'm doing my laundry, packing, cleaning, and what do I do? I wash my ipod. SO BUMMED! I'm so tempted to just go buy a new one, even though it's out of my budget right now. Sadness.

Cello-ing in Texas

What a week. I went to the TCU vs. Utah game. This game was really big. Biggest crowd in the stadium, best ranking ever for TCU, they are having a magical season.

Today, I played cello at a wedding in the Japanese Gardens in Fort Worth. What a beautiful place! I wish I had taken my camera, as I got in free and we had a little bit of time to explore before the guests arrived. The weather was great this morning, but the clouds started rolling in at about 3:15pm, exactly when we were supposed to start playing. The officiant was great, and even sang an a capella version of "At Last" to the bride and groom. She noticed that a downpour was becoming more likely by the minute, so this was probably the FASTEST ceremony I've ever done. As we finished playing the traditional bridal recessional, it started to drizzle. It felt weird putting away my cello before playing any more, but my violinist friend was like, Robyn, it's starting to rain, PUT YOUR INSTRUMENT AWAY! Sure enough, after we quickly packed up and headed to the parking lot, it started to pour. At least we got through everything we were supposed to.

As we were heading out, this thirteen year-old kid started talking to us about music. Apparently, he played bass, and really wanted to connect with us. He was so excited and cute in that eager thirteen year-old kind-of way. I asked him a little about his experience and told him to talk his parents into lessons. I love it when kids are excited about music. I hope he continues to be excited about music.

Football

I played in 2 shows this weekend, and netted about $80 in tips!

On the way to the second show on Saturday night, I called my brother because there was a big TCU game on, and I was driving, so I couldn't watch:

Adam: Yeah TCU!
Me (confused): Hey, um, what? I'm not watching the game...
Adam: What? I thought you were watching the game and called me because they just scored!
Me: That's awesome! No, I'm not watching the game because I am on my way to play at a show. I was calling to see if you could text me periodic score updates
Adam: Yes. The score is 14-0. I'll text you.
Me: Okay, thanks! Bye!
Adam: Love you! Bye!

TCU won, and I thought it was a funny coincidence that I called my brother right after a touchdown.

What was NOT funny was the fact that I got pulled over for the second time this week for non-moving violations. The first was because I didn't have my front plate on. The second was because my headlight was out.

Are the cops in Texas bored or something? I'm seriously aggravated.

So I spent Sunday afternoon trying to fix everything on my car that needed to be fixed. Done. Hopefully I won't get pulled over again for awhile.

What I did last Saturday

I woke up really late. I had a bad sleep night, and did not fall asleep until about 2am. I did not set an alarm and woke up at 9:45am. My two goals that day were to get my phone mailed and to get to the state fair.

My phone broke last week. The frame bent and the navigation buttons kept falling out. Thankfully I know myself and my tendency to break things, so I have phone insurance. Called them up and they fedexed me a new one overnight. I just had to send mine back to them within 10 days. So I finally packaged it up and went to the post office. Unfortunately for me, there was no one at the counter so I had to put it in the mail box. I took a look inside to try and measure with my eyes whether my box would fit. I thought it would, so I sent it down the chute. Also unfortunately, I've always had trouble with depth perception, so although the box went into the chute, it would not slide out. It was stuck in the mail chute, and there was nothing I could do. I'm assuming that this sort of thing happens on a regular basis, so I wasn't that concerned, but I was still slightly embarassed even though there was only one other lady who saw me do it. I'm also fairly certain that I will never see her again.

With me on the trip to the post office were the girls who were going to the fair with me. It was their idea to go to the fair. Their goal at the fair was to try the "best of" fried foods. And we did. That was pretty fun and way more affordable when you have a bunch of people to split things with. We tried fried peanut butter cup macaroons, fried coke, green goblins (fried chicken, cheese and jalepeno), fried pork chips, fried pecan pie, fried yams on a stick, fried shrimp on skewers, and fried peaches. Two of the girls tried the fried butter. That was actually their favorite fried thing! I personally liked the peaches the best.

Me and butter don't get along so well... one time in Jr. High at camp, I took part in a game that involved eating an unknown food item. Mine turned out to be a cube of butter. It made me feel really sick and I've never been able to eat a lot of it since. If I think too much about it, it triggers my gag reflex. Therefore, I was completely uninterested in trying it.

We also took the opportunity to attend a dog show while at the fair. The show that worked the best with our schedule was "Freestyle dancing with your dog." It was fun, but I don't get it. Yes, the dogs are well trained. But they have no sense of rhythm. If you're gonna call it dancing, then let's do it with the beat. Okay? Okay.

It was a pretty fun day.

Musician Frustration

One of the most frustrating things about living here in Fort Worth is trying to make some money as a paid musician. I was making decent money on the side playing music and now I'm starting over. I just don't know enough people to make my profit back. Everyone tells me it just takes time. This is true, but I am trying to accelerate the process. However, I think I've hit my wall. I feel like I have done everything I can. I'm out of ideas short of trying to approach strangers, which I hate doing, and to a certain extent, will not do.

I feel like recessions are particularly difficult for artists, but ESPECIALLY musicians, since live music is sort of this intangible product. With art, the results are tangible (unless it is performance art) and artists can just hold onto their pieces until people start buying again. With live music, people just can't afford to pay for it.

I'm feeling discouraged.

Untitled (for now)

Drivin' home

I was just in a crazy storm last night. I had to drive home in the middle of it. The route I normally take was sort of flooded, and there was rain and lightening all around. I disliked the experience.

Music fun!

I have had a great couple of weeks. Creating that collage really unlocked my creativity, and my ideas are starting to flow again. I've been hiking, playing music, and recording. I have also been teaching people about the library at work. So I've been doing a lot of things that I enjoy, and it is amazing how much of a difference that makes in my well-being.

I am excited about October, which is my favorite month, because my sister is coming to visit and I have two or three gigs lined up with a guitar player I know. I'm really excited because I think he's talented, because he is serious about the music and because he is letting me be a part of it.

You know, as a musician, most of the time I feel that I don't play all that well. The guitarist sent me a live recording of what we worked on last week, and I'm amazed. I was in tune the whole time! Which honestly, was more than I expected. I'm surprised that we sound so good together. I rarely "hear" myself live, mostly because I'm caught up in the moment and anxious about playing things right. But in hearing that recording, I realized that I am a good musician. I know, I know, you would all tell me that I AM a good musician, and not that I don't believe you, but I still doubt myself frequently. All that to say I'm starting to embrace my identity as a "professional musician" which still sounds weird to me, but that's what I am.

Also, on Monday, I got to do some vocal recordings, one of my original songs, a song that my recording friend wrote wherein he needed female backing vocals, and a cover of Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order which has the chorus:

everytime I see you fallin'
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Basically, my friend decided to record guitar, piano, and bass to cover this song, and then informed me that I needed to sing it. He did a great job with it, and I'm really excited to see how it gets remixed with my voice added. It's gonna be good! I'll post it somewhere online when it's done.

Dreams

Conversations 11 - My new doctor

My new doctor: So, tell me, what should I know about you?
Me: Well, I've lost 50 pounds in the last two years.
Doctor: That's quite a chunk!
Me: I feel much better.
Doctor: Your back is probably better too. So tell me, how did you do it?
Me: Diet and exercise.
Doctor (with mock disbelief): Nooo, really?! That works? You lost weight by changing your diet and exercising?
Me (laughing): Well, yes.
Doctor: You should write a book or something.
Me: With all the stuff that's already been written?
Doctor: Well, they always say 'Try this! It really works' and then the diet and exercise part is usually a much smaller section.
Me: So I guess I'm almost where I want to be...I mean, you tell me...
Doctor (looking at a table): You're about how tall? 5'11"?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: 172 and you weighed in at...(checks my chart)...174? Okay, and that's with your clothes, and your heavy necklace, and your shoes...
Me (laughing): Yeah. So now I guess I need to figure out how to eat for maintenance. I've been eating to lose for so long, and now I am going to have to figure that out.
Doctor: Well, you're still going to have to pay attention to your weight a bit.
Me: I know. I can say that am unlikely to gain it back unless I have a terrible injury or something.
Doctor: Well, good job.

On being a hero...sort of

I just turned the news off, and the last thing I heard was that some kid nearly drowned at a lake. He was saved thankfully. It made me sad though, because it is not that hard to help people in the water if you know how to swim well and learn just a few techniques for how to help them, even if you don't have a flotation device. Then I started thinking about what it means to be a hero. And it's funny. I lifeguarded for about seven summers and we, the lifeguards, always used to joke about being a hero whenever we had to jump in to help someone in a panic. We would serenade any guard who had to jump in with either "Wind beneath my wings" or "Hero" by Mariah Carey. The reality is that if we hadn't been there watching, they probably would have drowned.

I can remember learning to how to save people in the water when I was sixteen. I got a job at a local waterpark, and originally was just trying out for a "shallow water" guard. This was due to the fact that you were supposed to be eighteen to work in deeper water. However, the trainers saw me swim a fast 50 better than probably 90% of the other potential lifeguards, and were like, "Okay. Why are you not trying to be a deep water guard?" I said it was because I was too young. They told me it didn't matter and sent me to the deep end to swim a 200 instead. So I passed my swim test and began to train as a deep water guard.

The training was kind of fun and kind of awkward, because we had to practice on each other. Everyone already knew how to swim well. I can remember going to my first shift at the park and being scared witless. I was confused and trying to learn the protocol for what we were doing. I was so scared that I tried to avoid working at the wave cove the first week or two I was there which was difficult, since there were a very small number of deep water guards in comparison to the total number of guards. All the deep water guards worked at the wave cove, but could cover other areas of the park if they were short-handed or if someone asked you to cover for them. Eventually, of course, I had to suck it up and guard the wave cove. I think part of the fear was having to jump off the guard platform without hitting people, and then for me, I was scared that I would do something wrong, or that something really terrible would happen. The truth is that a lifeguard's main job is to PREVENT these kinds of accidents from happening. If you see a weak swimmer, you tell them to stay in the shallow end, if they actually listen to you.

I think a big misunderstanding about people in distress in the water is that they will call for help when they are in trouble. In reality, they have an instinctive panic response that does not allow them to call for help. They aren't thinking about calling for help, they are just trying to breathe, and panicking. This is why you hear about so many children drowning in pools. If you're not watching, they'll just fall or slip under the water and no one will know the difference.

I know that's a pretty serious topic, but I also wanted to say that after a bit of reflection on lifeguarding, I thought it was a fun job. I always played down the hero role, but looking back, I think it was pretty cool. I saved quite a few people just by being present, and by having some training of course. I do sort of still pay attention to what's going on in the pool if I am near it.

Recording!

So I've been playing music with this guy here in town, I might even call him my first non-work friend here. We've been working on playing through some Motown covers and meeting on Tuesdays, usually.

Well, I show up last night, and he says, "So. I've been thinking and I have an idea. I think we should record one of your songs." I was so excited! So we got down a lullaby I wrote. Still have to do the vocals, but it sounds so good! I had fun and I'm so thankful that I have a friend who thinks it is fun to record stuff.

What happens when I can't sleep

Occasionally, when I can't sleep, I write. This might turn into a song:

In the city,
I walk,
There is both light and shadow.
The buildings,
Are tall,
Casting all these shadows.
And I rest,
In the shade in the day,
Where there are shadows.
Like the other lonely, needy, souls,
Who find rest where there are shadows.

I dunno. Interesting idea, yes? I might have it in me to write another verse for this one.

I am now going to drink some decaf tea and try to get at least four hours of sleep. I feel depressed and tired just writing that. With minimal sleep tonight, here's hoping for a good night's sleep tomorrow!

Falling (which happens to me a lot)

So. I just got back from working out in the complex workout room. Toward the end of my workout, I missed a step and nearly fell off the treadmill. I felt like a gymnast as I sort of caught my balance and stuck my landing on the side of the treadmill.

Oh, and by the way, there was one other guy working out. Awesome!

This is so typical.

Almost like the time I tripped down the stairs at Da Kine's, when they used to be in PB. I had a plate of food in one hand and my drink in the other. I was there by myself and fell forward. I managed to save my drink (which didn't have a lid on it thank you very much) and at the very end, lost my main course to the ground. I did this in front of all the surfer fellas. There weren't any other girls on the deck. Again. Awesome. Stories to live by. I did get some nice rug burns from my clothes and ripped a hole in my favorite jeans that time.

At least this time, I was not injured at all.

Artistic Inspirations

I am feeling the need to do something creative this weekend, and I've been thinking about different ideas all day. First of all, the walls in my new apartment are rather large and currently so bare and white. I need to figure out what to put on them. I've got this idea about trying to do something mixed media with some bold colors--red, orange, yellow, and green. Perhaps a collage. I was sort of thinking it would probably have a nature theme.

This led me to start thinking about what I like, and if I had to represent myself in symbols, what would they be. I came up with an interesting list:

• water
• robin (the bird)
• tree
• leaf

These do sort of go together, so that's interesting. I know I'm quite musical, but I didn't come up with anything that represented the music in me. Which I'm okay with for now.

I'm just trying to get in touch with my childlike side that just liked to draw, paint and make animals out of clay. I realize my art may end up looking like a third grader did it, but who says I have to hang it on my wall?

Anyways. Another great idea I saw was to take a word and use it as an inspiration for art work.

So. If you'd like to participate, give me an inspiration. No guarantees I'll use it, but it will help me think of more ways to be creative.

How will the U.S. end?

Who knows? But it is something I've been thinking about lately. I have no idea why, except that I did study the Roman Empire in college, and it failed after 900 years. The U.S. is a relatively young nation, and I wonder if it could last as long as the Roman Empire.

This week, my thoughts were echoed by the writers at Slate who decided to ask the same kinds of questions. With that in mind, I offer this fun diversion: Choose your own Apocalypse! wherein YOU decide how the U.S. might end. Let me know how it goes.

Mr. Encourager

One of the things I like about living where I live is the river trail that's located right behind my apartment complex. It goes for miles. I, of course, can only run about 3 miles at the most on a daily basis, which means I go a mile and a half out and then turn around. I've been doing this nearly everyday, and have started to recognize some of the regulars. I never thought I'd get to that point. But there's the girl with two little non-matching dogs, a few old dudes, the couple with the german shepherd with its back legs in a contraption to help it walk, and the guy who encourages everyone else by telling them, "Good job, you're doing great! Keep it up!"

I have seen this guy nearly every day. We are able to recognize each other especially on "bad weather" days, since on those days, there are fewer people out and about. I personally like these days since the weather on those days feels more like San Diego with a marine layer. However, I realized that it might be a good idea for me to check the weather report before heading out in the morning due to the fact that rain here is most often accompanied by thunder and lightening.

But now I'm curious about Mr. Encourager. He looks like he could have played football in the past, he's about as tall as I am and he's pretty stocky and square. I wonder if he has a coaching background and whether he has ever met a stranger. I have never seen him run on the trail, he is always just walking. Today, I passed him twice, once on my way out and again on the way back. The first time I passed him, he asked me how far I was going. I told him I was going just to the bridge and back. The second time, he gave me a high five and told me to keep it up.

I asked his name (Bill) and I have no idea whether we'll be friends or not, but I'm glad I now know his name.

My moment with Walter Cronkite

As an undergraduate, I majored in History at the University of California, Santa Barbara. All History majors were required to complete a seminar class, in which each student was expected to write at least a 20 page paper. Seminars could be taken on almost any field of history, and I chose to take my seminar in recent US History (1960-present).

Sixteen of us met twice a week and our instructor walked us through the writing process. In class, we got to discuss and critique each others' topics and drafts. One week, our prof announced that Walter Cronkite would be coming to our class. We all kind of looked at each other incredulously... our instructor explained that Cronkite was giving a lecture on campus that night, and wanted to visit a class or two. Since he had been reporting for most of the 20th century, the administration decided that ours would be the best possible class for him to visit.

So Walter Cronkite came to our senior seminar in Recent US History. He asked us each individually to share our topics with him. Then he provided commentary on each of our topics based on his knowledge and experience. What was so great about this experience is that the group was small enough for this personal interaction and that Cronkite was genuinely interested in what we had to say.

I am grateful for the experience.

Musical Networking

This week has been a good one so far... I finally managed to go to a church that had a potluck on Sunday after the service and got to meet some ladies my age. Also, apparently, they have a weekly social--trivia night at a local bar. Awesome. I'm there.

I've also been doing some recording with this guy in town, and he just sent me an email asking if I thought I would be interested in trying to put together some music so we can play around town. My answer to that was a resounding "yes!"

On Monday night, I drove out to Azle, TX to meet up with a violinist. Turns out she lives on a lake! She's lived there for over 20 years. When I got finally got there (got a little lost on the way), she served me some crackers, cheese, grapes, veggies and nuts. It was so nice and again, I felt like I was at a resort or something. We played through some of the music I had. I got the sense that we were both sort of auditioning each other, but I think we're going to get along and that's what counts. She is going to try and see if her next wedding clients might want a cellist too. I hope so. Even though I'm making more than I was at my new job, the extra income would certainly be nice.

Then of course I got lost on the way back. It took me twice as long to get back to my place because I went the wrong way. I still need to learn my freeways.

I have sort of been working at establishing a new community--I set goals for myself and have been trying to network. I feel like I've been putting a lot of time and effort into it, and my efforts are paying off. I'm having some success. It's a good feeling.

I'm kind of thinking I need to get a website or something... people keep asking me if I have one, and it would be nice to get something to showcase the recordings I've done. I just need to come up with a name for it.

Social Networking

So I've been trying to make some friends, and I've put a few ads up on CL, mostly looking for violinists. I'm starting to get responses from people who have no interest in actually responding to my ads, but they want to "help me."

I would like to let those people know: I don't need your help. Now, stop responding to my ads unless you are a violinist and are actually interested in playing music with me.

Seriously. If you don't understand the ad, don't answer it. If you don't meet the qualifications, don't answer it. Just don't. I will ignore you.

Okay, thanks.

Finding People

In case you didn't know, Texas is hot. I've been enjoying the heat. I know. I'm weird.

I'm in the process of trying to find a group or groups of people that share some kind of interest I have... ideas include church, ultimate frisbee players, bicyclers, hikers, walkers, runners, musicians...well, you get the idea. I'm finding that it is hard to meet people in the summer here because a)it's hot and b)Texans flee Texas in the summer because of the heat.

Work is slow because the students are gone for the summer. It does allow for a lot of time to plan and get things ready for the school year, which will be here before I know it.

For the 4th of July, I went to my dad's friend's house. They grew up across the street from each other in Long Beach. It was great to feel included and I had a great time getting to know their friends. Also, I told Mike, dad's friend, that I was looking for a new bike. Turns out he loves riding and found me a coupon to his favorite bike shop. I'm tempted to get something new. Very tempted. My current bike is just a bit too small, and it hurts my back. But I had forgotten how much I enjoyed riding when I had a bike I loved.

Speaking of combining interests. This is a picture I took a few years ago. I had forgotten about it until recently. This is my old cello, the one that is essentially "totalled" meaning the cost of the repair is more than the instrument is worth. Maybe I'll go on a photo shoot this weekend and take the cello with me. Hey, you gotta admit, it's a great conversation piece.

I have had some success with networking within the music community here. I have made my first musical friend. We have already done a few recordings together, and he is going to help me with one of mine next week.

Concrete heart

I love finding random beauty in the world. I noticed this piece of sidewalk almost the first week I moved in. There are so many things I think about when I see this picture. The heart is actually a hole in the concrete of the sidewalk. I liked the juxtaposition of the crack in the sidewalk next to the heart. Our hearts are all a bit cracked I'd say, but still beautiful. I'm hoping that this picture makes you think. I'd love to hear your comments on this one...

Pocket of Grace

The last month has been stressful and chaotic, mostly because I packed up all my earthly possessions and moved them to Texas. So far, I am really enjoying it. I had only been there about 3 weeks before I left to go to a conference last week where I was doing a presentation. The presentation went well I thought, and it was great to see many of my former coworkers at the conference. 

On my way back from Missouri (where the conference was) to Texas, I stopped and spent the night with my friend Beryl at her Aunt and Uncle's house. I had originally left my car there to carpool with Beryl (who had flown from CA to OK). When I got back, I found my car washed, detailed, and tuned up. Beryl's Uncle Doug had taken my car into the shop to have it checked out for me. He not only had the car detailed, but had them rotate my tires, do an alignment, and try to figure out what the knocking noise was on the left side of the engine.

I was really touched by this. My car had been maintained mechanically, but not really physically in the last few months. This was a totally unlooked for surprise, and I'm thankful to Doug for the care he took of my car while I was away. 

Doug was an agent of grace in a stressful and chaotic time in my life, and I'm thankful for the reminder from God that even though I feel like things are a bit challenging and chaotic right now, everything is going to be alright--He sometimes leads me to rest in these pockets of grace.

Nonnie

My grandmother was a strong, independent woman, who loved music, my grandfather, and her family. I spoke with her a few weeks before she died. She told me she was proud of me and that she loved me.

This is what she also told me:

"Last week I had a dream. I dreamed I went to church and when I opened my mouth to sing, I found I had forgotten all the words to the song. I have never forgotten the words before," she said.

"A few days later I went to church. I tried to sing, like in my dream and I couldn't," she told me sadly. "If I cannot sing, then I do not want to be here any more," she said sternly, with dignity.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said. "I know," I told her, because I understand. For in my heart I feel the same. If there ever comes a day when I cannot sing, then I do not want to be here anymore either.

"I love you," I told her, knowing it was probably for the last time.

Another Lullaby

Every once in awhile, I get a good idea for a song. Last fall, I participated in sort of a Bible study wherein the goal was to create something artistic in response to a Psalm. The psalm our facilitator chose was Psalm 91. For that project, I collaborated with another musician in the group to write a song, which turned out great! I wish we had time to record it.

That being said, I had originally wanted to write a lullaby based on this Psalm. Last night, I think music and lyrics finally came together. That, and I wanted to write a lullaby for my friend Laurel and her new son. I had written one a few years ago when her daughter was born and I wanted to continue the tradition.

I'm going to visit this weekend and I know Laurel and Daniel are going to love the song I wrote for their son.

Here are the lyrics:
Oh child, close your eyes and sleep,
I am watching over you,
Rest in the shadow of my wings,
I hear your cry,
But do not fear,
Have no fear,
I am here

You can get a preview here. But shhhh! Don't tell! It is going to be a surprise!

Discipline

As I have been working through this time of transition, I think I have learned the most about discipline. I have never felt that I have been very disciplined in my life. There are so many people out there that I feel are more put together, or more organized. My desk and room are always a mess. But I don't think that I could have accomplished what I have accomplished in the last six months without a complete disciplinary overhaul in my life.

First of all, I lost some weight, and that took some discipline. I had to start eating better and add exercise into my life. And not just fit it in, but make it a priority. Secondly, I also had to be more disciplined in my school work in order to finish my portfolio and also find a job. That took a lot of time and effort on my part to make sure that I met my deadlines.

I am more busy than ever, and the truth is I actually hate living my life with this much intensity. I keep thinking that these habits I've formed will get easier. They don't. It is still hard to watch what I eat and make exercising a priority. I have also realized I need to sleep more than most people and this also drives me nuts. If I want to be at my best during the day, I have to go to bed by 10pm. I usually push that to 10:30pm, and it is still hard for me to get to bed "on time."

I have been playing with my schedule lately as I have realized that exercising and sleeping (both of which need to happen in my daily schedule) can sometimes work against each other. So I have started trying to get up in the morning just 20min earlier than usual in order to get in a morning run. This has been good so far and has actually served a double purpose, since I am getting to work sooner. If I exercise in the morning, I'm not worried about trying to "fit it in" in the evenings, often after things like rehearsals and Bible Study.

I do not think I'll ever be able to completely conquer busyness in my life, but I'm trying to make things less frantic for sure.

It was only last week that I started thinking about how much I have grown in the area of discipline, mostly because a good friend of mine commented that he has learned a lot about how to organize his life through my experiences in the last six months. this surprised me because I do not consider myself to be very organized in general. I have had to learn it because it feels so unnatural. Anyway, we both were looking for jobs at the same time. It was awesome to be in the same situation with this friend because we inadvertently held each other accountable in terms of productivity. We both got jobs within a month of each other, and though we'll be in two different locations, we'll be able to support each other through the rest of our transitions.

Changes

Spring, apparently, begins on Friday, and change is in the air, at least for me. It has been an eventful month. I have been feeling pretty intense about my life and what's been happening and I have not been able to post about it until now.

At the beginning of February, I had interviewed for two new jobs, one in LA and one in Texas. Yes, I actually flew to Texas for the interview the last week of January. This was very nerve-wracking. I had fun at both interviews, but figuring out the logistics to make the interviews work with the job that I currently have was a challenge. I really liked both places, but especially liked the job in Texas. They told me they would let me know whether I got the job or not by February 12, which was a few weeks away, and right after another interview I had in Kansas. Well, they called me on February 5, two days before I was to leave for Kansas and offered me the job. I was so surprised since I was not expecting this call so early! I accepted the job, and I will be moving to Texas in May.

I am so excited, but also slightly terrified at the same time. I'm worried about finding housing, meeting people, making friends, and succeeding at my new job. This is such a big change for me since I have lived in CA my whole life. I have always wanted to live someplace different, and I'm almost surprised that I have created this opportunity. It is good. I am also so thankful that I was able to get a job in this economy. I feel so blessed. I will be earning a higher salary in a place where my income will go further because the cost of living is lower. I feel like I have a chance to really live my life the way I have always hoped to live it--debt free and full of fun. I have a lot of debt to pay down. But the good news is that I know I will be able to pay it off quickly because of the new higher salary.

I am really excited about all the possibilities.

Morning adventures!

Most of the people that work in the library take a morning break at 10am. This morning, I started hearing animal noises at around that time. This was weird because I thought everyone was in the break room. So I went to investigate next door. I was looking around when a tiny Chihuahua approached me.

Well, turns out my coworker brought in two Chihuahua puppies. One of them had escaped its enclosure. They were really cute. I put the one back inside only to have the other climb out. I got them both back in and let my coworker know that they had escaped and that I had captured them both.

Chihuahua puppies are SO TINY!

Dreams

Two weird dreams last night. I don't normally have them.

The first involved me having to take over driving a trolley in San Diego. However, the trolley was not on a track. It was more like a street trolley. It was out of control, and though I figured out how to control it, I didn't know the route. So I eventually managed to stop it at one of the main hubs and then felt embarrassed that I did not know the route. It felt frantic and crazy. People were totally screaming and I felt like I had let people down.

Then I also dreamed that I was racing at a swim meet. I was going to be my first race in five years in my dream (but in reality it has been much longer!). I was swimming the 100 butterfly and 100 freestyle. The fly is weird because I am weak in that stroke. I can do it, but not quickly or strongly. In my dream, I was actually trying to warm up for my race (the first one of the day--6am) and I couldn't swim right! For some reason, I could not a) pull my arms all the way down like you're supposed to, and b) open my eyes, so I was swimming with my eyes closed in the water and I couldn't see. I was however, wearing goggles. I never got to the race part of this dream, just the warm-ups.

The swimming dream was really strange because I know that I a) can swim well and fast and b) that goggles are my friend and that I can totally see what I'm doing even if I wasn't wearing them.

I am pretty anxious right now, and my anxiety does tend to manifest itself in my dreams sometimes. I have given up caffeine in this time because I know that it amps me up too much. Now I'm off to make some muffins and drink some herbal tea.

25

This is copied over from my Facebook profile. Basically, this is a meme that's been going around. I caught it like a cold. Ha. What you're supposed to do is tell people 25 little known facts about yourself and then "tag" people to do the same. So here's my list of 25 little known facts about me:

1. My biggest fear is losing my teeth. I have dreams about this. The funny thing is that I have actually lost a tooth already and now have a fake tooth. I'm still frightened that I may lose the rest though.

2. The dream I have the hardest time admitting even to myself is that if I could, I would totally be a full-time studio musician.

3. If you ask me to go bowling, I will tell you that I will come hang out, but that I will not bowl. The reason is because I cannot bowl. The last time I went bowling was in 2002, and I significantly hurt my back. I do not want to risk having another significant injury like that, therefore I will never bowl again.

4. I think crows are fascinating birds. My fascination with crows began when I read Rascal by Sterling North which was more about a boy and his pet raccoon. However, it also featured a crow. I don't necessarily want a crow as a pet, but I would love to befriend one.

5. I love telling stories. I don't think I could ever write a novel, but I do enjoy writing short stories that are based on events that have happened in my life.

6. I have thought about trying to write a webcomic. I took a cartooning class at a summer camp once and enjoy writing my own comics sometimes. I think my strength is more in the writing part than the drawing part, so if any illustrators out there are interested in a collaborative project, let me know!

7. I *almost* tried out for a women's professional football team (tackle football), but then decided it would be too hard on my body. I still like to play. I'm a decent defender. I played a game of flag football in college once and managed to sack the (male) quarterback three times in one game, even after counting "alligators." I don't think he liked me all that much after that. :(

8. I am not only the oldest sibling in my immediate family, but the oldest of all my cousins, on both sides of the family. I used to wish I had an older sibling, but I have come to realize that being the oldest has its perks.

9. I am a VERY fast reader. I can read about 100 pages an hour. That's just an estimate. My speed is dependent upon how complex the writing is. My siblings have always been in awe of this skill that I have and once tried to count how many pages I read in two minutes. I was not paying attention and didn't realize they were doing this until I felt all of them staring at me while I was reading.

10. I can't WAIT until I'm able to have a dog. I've always wanted one. I will probably adopt one at a pound once I have the money and the space.

11. I'm really good at getting songs stuck in people's heads. Unless you want the song stuck in your head too, don't ask me what it is. It is rare that I'm not subconsciously singing or humming something in my head. I may also hum out loud without realizing that I'm doing it.

12. I am an instigator. I have a lot of ideas. Not all of them are good. But I often find that my ideas influence people. When I tell people that I am an instigator, they do not take me seriously. In a recent conversation, I earned new respect from my friends when they realized the extent of my ability to instigate. I hope to use my powers for good and not evil. But I do love a good prank. ;)

13. Most people think I'm extroverted. I'm not. I'm a really social introvert. My Myer's Briggs type is INTP, but I'm not the extremist version of this type. I have trouble sometimes molding myself into a more structured society as I like variety and am extremely adaptable. This also makes me indecisive and means that I tend to try to keep options open, sometimes to my own detriment.

14. For the last three Christmases, my family has tried to play "Stump Robyn with words from the dictionary" game, which means they find a random word in the dictionary and see if I know the meaning. The funny part is that they can't always pronounce the words they are trying to stump me with and I have often corrected their pronunciation...which means I have known the word and its meaning.

15. I have two master's degrees. What? I just like learning. One is in Education and one is in Library and Information Science. My goal is to be an instruction librarian at a college or university.

16. Though I am a musician, I am terrible at remembering (and knowing) lyrics, titles and artists of songs. People always try to make me do the humdingers in cranium because I can hum in tune, but I RARELY know what the song is on the card. Unless it's classical, don't make me do those, okay?

17. I am tall, 5'11'' (which most of you already know) but I am the shortest of my biological siblings. I like to say I'm the short kid in my family. Take a look at my photos in the family section and think about the fact that I'm 5'11''.

18. I always loved PE in school. I never understood why the other girls didn't.

19. My pet peeves include wet socks, earwax in my ear, when my fingernails are too long and they click on things, um, I know I have a few more, but those are the main ones.

20. I probably own way too many hats. But I like them, and I love wearing them. Most of them are baseball hats.

21. I'm pretty serious most of the time. But I have a good sense of fun and appreciate people who try to help me be less serious.

22. I hate arriving late to things. I get anxious when I'm running late or when my friends don't show up on time. If you're gonna be later than 15 min, please call me!

23. I love being outside.

24. My first job was as a lifeguard at Raging Waters in San Dimas. I worked as a deep water guard (wave cove!) even though people weren't supposed to work there until they were 18. Basically, I kicked booty in the swim test and I looked older so they asked me why I wasn't trying out for deep guard. When I told them it was because I was 16, they didn't care and moved me over. I am still a very good swimmer.

25. I once met Walter Cronkite in person. I was a history major at UCSB. My senior seminar was in modern American history. Cronkite was doing a lecture that night on campus and wanted to visit a class. There were 16 of us writing about events in the 1900's, and as we told him our topics, he provided commentary on each one. This was an amazing experience.

Anxiety and Change

There are certain things in life that ALWAYS impact my anxiety level, and thus my ability to sleep. In those times, I try to walk it off or talk myself down. I'm feeling really anxious at the moment, mostly because there will be some significant changes in my life in the months ahead. Change is exciting and scary and challenging all at the same time.

I'm looking forward to it and dreading it all at the same time.

Recording Session

Things are going well. Last Saturday, I had the opportunity to record a song for a local band called Lessons from Zeke. The session went well I thought, I was able to knock out the song in about an hour. I did three takes total. Awesome!

We recorded at DML studios. Mike (Lessons from Zeke) had initially told me that we were going to record at this guys house, but it turned out that the garage had been converted into one of the most professional home studios I've seen!

The guy who recorded us is well known and respected in the music community, so I was surprised to find out that I was recording at his studio.

I had a great time and look forward to hearing the final product.

Regular

So. There's a bakery down the street from where I work. They are awesome! People come from all over town to experience their homemade breaded wonderfulness. My favorite thing to get there is a raspberry chocolate scone. The bakery has them on Tuesdays and Fridays, and maybe on the weekend sometime as well.

Well, I did not realize I was known as a regular customer until I walked in the bakery today (Thursday) and the girl at the counter says, "Oh no, no raspberry chocolate scones! What are you gonna do?"

I laughed and said, "I know. Um, I'm gonna get a pear almond scone."

I wish I could capture the tone on the girl at the counter's statement because it was very cops or something, "Whatcha gonna do!?" or maybe Speed (the movie), "There's a bomb on a bus...what do you do, WHAT, do you do!?"

I still like the raspberry chocolate scones better, but given my options, the pear almond will have to do for today.

Worry

I know. This is an interesting topic for my first blog of the new year...

I just had an IM conversation with a friend who was worried about a situation that she did not really have control over. I never know what to say to people in these situations. I don't really feel like I can relate.

I do not get worried that often because if I notice that I'm worried, I try to problem solve the situation. Why am I worried? What power do I have to change the situation? What are the specific steps that I can take? If I decide that I have no control over a situation (which is the case most of the time) then I see no reason to worry.

As a Christian, I believe that God is in control all the time. This does not mean that he prevents bad things from happening. However, this gives me the ability to face down many of these anxious situations with calmness.

However, there have been times in my life where I have lived in a state of continuous anxiety. This is not fun. Whenever I face this level of anxiety in my own life, my solution is to change my focus as much as possible, by reading a book, watching a movie or anything that will engage my mind and keep me from thinking about whatever it is that has me worried. I have also found that in these times, I'm WAY more likely to sleep if I can wear my body and mind out with exercise.

It is in these moments that I often am reminded of God's many promises to me and everyone else in this world--that He loves his people and me specifically, He has a purpose and plan for my life, that He can use these terrible situations for good in my life or perhaps in the lives of others, and that I am not alone.

Often, when I confess to others that I am anxious or worried, when I do go through these times of trouble, I am always encouraged by the responses of the people around me. It helps to have friends and family remind me of the promises previously stated and ease me towards healing from those situations.

If I were to write a Christmas letter...

If I were writing a Christmas Letter, this is what it would say:

I have so much to be thankful for this year. I bought a new cello with the help of my family and friends for my birthday last February. It has been such an awesome blessing. This instrument is beautiful and I've started to think about playing a recital sometime in March. It will take a bit of preparation on my part, but I am hoping that I will be able to share my talent with all my supporters and fans. :)

A very personal journey is coming to an end soon (I hope). I started trying to lose some weight about a year and a half ago, and I just recently hit 40 pounds of weight loss. My goal is still about 10 pounds away, but I feel so much better (and hopefully look good too!). It has been a struggle that I do not like to talk about since I know so many people who struggle with this issue. But I am proud of my accomplishment and look forward to being able to steal pants from my sister!

I have built some great relationships with local musicians in town. I'm currently playing with Lessons From Zeke, a local band here in San Diego. I have really enjoyed playing with this talented group of musicians and I'm looking forward to contributing to a few songs on their next album.I have also had the opportunity to try singing and really enjoy it! I sing occasionally with the band at church and this has been a great experience.

I also finished my Master's Degree in Library and Information Sciences from San Jose State University. I'm excited to be done. My life will be drastically different due to the end of my schooling. I'm looking forward to the future and especially having more free time.It has been a great year. I'm looking forward to the next. I wish you all a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

This has been a really busy week. I'm still trying to finish stuff up before I start driving to LA for a few days. I'm looking forward to a true break, no plans, except to maybe play some cello and pick back up some of the technique I've been losing.

I went Christmas shopping last Friday and bought all my gifts plus all the wrapping in the same two hour period of time. My guy friends were all hangin' out at their house. When they asked if I was coming over, I asked if I could bring my gifts and wrap them there. They were agreeable of course, and one of them asked me excitedly if he could help. I gave him the, "Seriously?" look. He really wanted to help, so I let him (of course) and we got my gifts wrapped in half the time!

He also modeled the gift I got for my sister-in-law. That picture is classic. I will try to remember to post it here after she opens the gift.

I have to admit that I'm very thankful this year. It has been a pretty good year. I feel more free, maybe cause I finished the degree and a little lighter (after losing 40 pounds over the last year and a half) and pretty optimistic about the future.

I never usually look forward to Christmas. It is my least favorite holiday. Usually it has been stressful and not restful due to the number of places I feel obligated to be. This year, I've had a change of heart and I'm looking forward to celebrating with my family and all the traditions it entails.

Presence

The campus where I work is beautiful. It is right on the ocean and the weather is usually awesome. The other day I was walking to the campus post office and saw at least three students sending or receiving text messages while walking. It is crazy to think how attached we all are to our personal electronic devices.

In the Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster, Milo, a boy with no ambition and nothing to do, finds himself in a strange land. In one of the chapters, Milo sees all these people walking quickly to their destinations, only he can't figure out where any of them are going--he sees no buildings, streets or landmarks. No one is talking, no one is looking up, and all the people are just watching their feet. After engaging one of these people, he finds that there is a city, with buildings, streets, and other structures, but the city is invisible. The reason for its invisibility is that the citizens of this city stopped seeing it. They started watching their feet and ignoring each other instead. After a while, the city faded.

The city is invisible because the people stopped looking at it.

One thing I try to practice each day is being present. Paying attention to where I am in the here and now. I try to listen when people talk, look up and smile at people when I am walking, and admire the scenery wherever I am. I just think that if we all tried to practice a little more presence, we might actually connect more concretely as a community.

It seemed to me that the students who were walking and texting weren't really able to enjoy the beautiful weather or the view.

One day they are going to wake up, and find that the ocean has faded away.

Friends

I love my friends. This is a pic of ONOE: One Night Only Ever!
We learned three songs and played one show for our other friends. Unfortunately, one of our members moved away and our band is now disbanded. If you missed our show, you missed out!

Photo Credit: Dan G.

Conversations 14

Two weeks ago, I was playing ultimate frisbee and pulled my calf muscle. I could walk, but I was profoundly limping and was sore for about a week. When the muscle pulled, I felt a popping sensation in my leg. Later, I realized that the muscle popped one of my veins. I had a very nice bruise on my leg as a result. My friend Jason was there when I hurt myself:

Me: Jason! I'm glad you're here! I totally wanted to show you my awesome bruise! (I put my leg up on his chair and pulled back the cuff of my jeans)
Jason: Wow. That's crazy. I don't even want to think about it. Put that thing away!
Me (after a slight pause): What, you don't think its attractive?
Dave: Well, I was about to offer you a ride.
Me: Thanks Dave.
Scott: It's okay Jason. I wouldn't have gotten the hint either.

Last Weekend

I had a great weekend last weekend. I got to spend way more time than usual with people I like. That's what I miss when I'm in school. It started with opera on Thursday night. I had four friends come. I am always so appreciative when people come to my performances.

Then on Friday, I went to the mall for lunch with a bunch of friends. Then I took my cello in to get fixed, and found out that the shop would do it for free because I bought it from them. It had a loose seam which was creating a percussive buzz.

Then I went back to the boys house that night and we played Apples to Apples. I love that game and it was a lot of fun. Hilarity ensued. On Saturday morning, I went to play Ultimate Frisbee, but while I was playing, my calf muscle popped. It hurt a lot! I am still stiff and I noticed yesterday that there is a lot of bruising on the back side of my leg. I was bummed that I couldn't finish the game because it is one of my favorite things to do and it is good exercise. After Frisbee, I went to the movies with my sister and then we went to dinner with the same guys I hung out with on Friday. I have been trying to have my sister meet these friends of mine for some time, and I'm glad that she was finally able to meet them.

Lots of jokes about my gimpy-ness were told. I was definitely hobbling around. I'm still limping a little, and my muscle is really tight. I'm hoping that I'll be able to work around it to do some cardio on Friday.

Musician Face-Off!

Actual conversation with Mikey, the drummer, this morning at church.

Motivation

I got to go out with a few friends from my Bible Study last night. We ditched the study in favor of celebrating the completion of my degree and my friend's birthday.

I was just thinking that it is hard for me to celebrate sometimes. I've never really liked big parties and though I have completed my degree I'm not feeling particularly proud of the accomplishment. I knew that I could finish it, and it was not particularly challenging for me to do so. I'm thankful and relieved to be done mostly because I'll have more time to rest.

But the celebration last night helped put me in a better mindset. It is exciting that I'm finished. I will have more time to do things that I've put aside due to the degree.

I'm learning that I am so undisciplined and it is impacting my ability to stay motivated and succeed. I was trying to think of some ways that I could regain my work ethic. A few ideas included trying to get up a little earlier to pray, or being more disciplined in my journal writing, emphasizing one thing I hope to accomplish each day and one thing I'm thankful for...

I realized that I have a lot to be thankful for this year. An attitude of thankfulness helps restore contentment. I would like to have more joy and I wish my life was a little less boring. I was thinking though that there are some awesome things that have happened this last year and some really painful ones. I was also thinking that I might actually write a life update letter for the holidays.

Probably not, but if I did, my list would include:

• new cello
• joining a band
• losing 30 pounds and continuing to keep it off and lose a little more
  
• finishing my MLIS degree

I think the weight loss is great. That goal has been really hard to keep. When I first started, I knew I needed to make a change. That commitment is one of the toughest things I've had to make. I would still like to lose at least ten pounds.

When I went in to get my driver's license picture retaken, I had to change my weight. I do not remember what it said, but I decided to put down 180. I weighed 190 at the time and had already lost about 20 pounds. My goal is 170. I weigh 184 right now. That's about what I weighed my senior year of college. I'm finally back in the gym, and I'm totally feeling better about myself. I have more energy (which is kind of to my detriment since it is hard for me to sit down and focus for extended periods of time).

I had been on a LONG plateau... just maintaining my current weight and not losing any, but I started trying to monitor my sugar intake again. This totally works. I have a little bit during the day usually, but I don't crave sweet things as much, or if I do, I usually want something that is sweet but not super sweet. But I lost a couple pounds in the last two weeks so I'm hopeful again. I'm ready to try getting back in the gym more frequently or maybe the pool. This is definitely a different attitude than the one I had even three months ago.

The only bummer is that I'll probably have to pay again for major dress tailoring for my sister's wedding next June. Oh well. I'd rather be healthy and pay a monetary penalty than the penalty in life.

Week in Review

It has been a long week. I just finished my Master's Degree in Library and Information Science. It has been three years coming. I am feeling good about being done, but discouraged about the job market. A few weeks ago, I had a librarian email me to see when they could set up a conference call with me. I followed up yesterday, and turns out that they have many more qualified applicants. I was also chatting with one of the admin assistants where I work. They have two open faculty positions in their department and had over 100 applicants. The job market in higher education is kind of discouraging.

I feel that I'm such an average candidate. There are so many people out there who have way more experience. I am afraid that I will succomb to just taking a job because I cannot get a job that I would really love.

I am also playing in an opera this week. I have never been more disciplined with my time than I was last week. I had so many things I wanted to do last week, and still had to find time to finish my Master's project. I had to set goals every morning and stayed up late almost every night of the week last week in order to get things done. I wanted to have some time last weekend to spend with my friends.

So in addition to playing the opera on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, I also played ultimate frisbee on Saturday morning and went to a party on Saturday afternoon. I had a lot of fun and I'm really glad I went. I totally took a short nap before heading over.

This was the party wherein my "band" ONOE (One Night Only Ever!) played its one and only show. We had practiced four songs together. We only had one rehearsal and then we played for our friends. At the party, we played three of the four songs. I'm still waiting to see pictures from the party. I'm sure they are pretty funny. I also debuted a song I wrote two years ago called Simple Autumn and the response was positive. It is a song about change. One of the audience members noted that it could have been Barack Obama's theme song.

I feel really tired right now and kind of overwhelmed by the process ahead of me--facing the future. This should be exciting, but I'm feeling rather pessimistic at the moment. I am looking forward to a good break from school, spending more time with friends and family as well as playing our last showing of the opera on Thursday. I have a few friends coming and I'm hoping that we'll play well. I'm expecting that this show will come close to selling out.

Banding together

I have a group of guy friends who all live in a house close to where I live. They LOVE games. All kinds. Computer, video, board games, and card games. They enjoy playing rock band, which is what they play when people come over. Two of the guys liked the game so much that they decided to learn how to play actual instruments. One of them got a bass guitar and some lessons, and the other acquired a drum set.

We have been talking about having me come over to play guitar and jam with them, so on Friday night, it actually happened! I brought over my guitar and we set things up in the garage! I taught the bass player how to play Run-around by Blues Traveler and a song called Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin. It was fun to teach someone how to play a song. Meanwhile, all the other guys at the house got curious and stopped in to watch and listen to what was going on. We even had a "roadie" who set up a computer for me and found lyrics for Run-around! It was awesome.

I'm going to a party this weekend and the invite said that there would be a live band. I'm thinking, "That's great! I wonder who the band is?"

After talking to the host on Friday night, I was informed that I was the band! Apparently, the drummer is so excited about playing that he volunteered us to play without really talking to me first, which is funny considering I'm the guitarist and singer. I'm not sure that we'll be able to play more than the two songs I taught the bass player, but I'll definitely bring the guitar and we'll all jam. It might not be a true "performance" but more hanging out and playing music.

I have realized lately that although music is something I'm passionate about, not many of my close friends are musicians. I spend a lot of time playing music... at least four hours a week, if not more than that. So it is fun to have a set of friends that is interested in jamming for fun! I might be encouraged to write more songs.

The only bummer is that the bass player is moving next week. Anyone else want to jump in?

Instruments

I changed out the strings on my electric guitar today. The guitar does not actually belong to me, but has been in my possession for awhile. I'm not sure that my friend is ever going to ask for it back!

What I realized is that instruments are very sensitive to change. It takes time for the strings to settle in. Until they do, I constantly have to re-tune the instrument. The strings need time to stretch out and regulate to the appropriate tension on the instrument.

For my cello, any little change in the humidity or temperature really affects the instrument. When it is dry, my tuning pegs tend to dry out a little, contract, and then I find loose strings on my instrument. Cellos are slightly more difficult to tune than guitars.

Once a stringed instrument is re-tuned in these circumstances, it may not necessarily hold the pitch and the musician must constantly pay attention to readjust the tones so that they are the right ones.

I find a metaphor lurking in this post about people, change, and habits. Habits will only change if we notice them and constantly adjust. It is our nature to just settle back in to where we were before, even when we KNOW it causes dissonance in our lives. I personally am finding myself more resistant to change than I thought I was. I find it is quite the challenge to embrace change rather than resist.

Collaboration

A new friend of mine came over on Saturday and we jammed a bit. He plays guitar. I met him through the Psalms project. We are a part of a group that is studying Psalm 91 with the goal of creating art together for the community.

I've been trying to pinpoint an idea for weeks now, and I've been trying to write things down. My friend is a fantastic guitar player. He asked my how my project was going and I asked him how his was going and we just started collaborating. He started just playing some basic progressions on guitar and I came up with lyrics and a melody line. I like it so far. The words are almost word for word from the Psalm. We have our first verse solidified:

He who dwells in the shelter
of the Most High
Will find rest in the shadow
of the Almighty
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge,
I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge,
my fortress,
My God in whom I trust
--------------------
I'm still working through the second verse, but it will be something like this:

Surely he will save you
from your enemies
With his wings he'll protect you
And you will rest
His faithfulness will be your shield
His faithfulness will be your shield
Your rampart
A protection you can trust

The Music in Me

Concentrating
But not thinking
My fingers move of their own volition
My body tenses
My mind is free
The physicality of memory moves me
Outside myself, but inside
the music encompasses me

Reflections on my younger self

When I was young, I was:
an adventurer, a trail blazer,
an obstacle course builder and conqueror
a high swinger, a wave jumper, a wind runner

I was an artist, a sculptor
a creator, story-teller and performer
a composer, a believer, a dreamer

I wanted to be found.
I wanted to be a friend.
I wanted to be alive.

Relationships

I had conversations with three different women at church today just about life, relationships, and my single state... I thought it was interesting. One of them told me that I really should be open minded. One of them told me that she wished she had been more picky and careful and that I should really just take my time about making decisions about relationships.

These two statements sound contradictory, but I think they sort of go together. I need to be open minded and give people a chance, but not settle for something less than what I know I need in a significant other.

I just figure that I have been patient and picky for a long time. That's not really going to change.

Friends

I have realized that when it comes to friendship, I'm sort of like a cat. Somewhat independent, I come and go as I please, get a attached to people but I don't fret when things change. I guess I see change as sort of an inevitable thing.

I am blessed to be able to say that I do still have friends from long ago, and I love the fact that I'm now able to keep in touch with them through technology.

I'm still in touch with Sonja, whom I've known since Kindergarten, Kim and Anne, who used to live down the street from me... their mom is like my second mom...

And then I was reflecting about my college friends, and who I spent the most time with--Laurel, Ryan, Jenn, and Kristi. I do not talk to anyone all that much anymore, except for Laurel, but I just chatted with Kristi today online. I realized today that we spent a lot of time together senior year. I do not remember why. But we had a lot of fun together. Kristi got married pretty quick after college, and now has two really cute kids. I hope I get to meet them someday.

I'm really not so great at keeping in touch with people, but I think I am going to resolve to try a little harder.

Celebrate!

I *think* I am 50% done with a draft of my portfolio. Only 50% more to go!

Only I have a headache right now! And that sucks.

Psalms Project

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."

Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling--
even the Lord, who is my refuge--
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

I am studying this Psalm with a group of artists from my church with the goal of creating something creative or artistic as a result of our study and meditation. I have not decided what to create yet, but I have a feeling my project will have something to do with words.

A Reflection on Psalm 91

When I read this Psalm, I actually feel like I'm sinking deep within my soul to a place of rest. I feel more centered or balanced and gain a confidence perspective of my life and the activity and people in it. Too often I flit from thing to thing, from person to person and my activity keeps me from exploring the deepness of solitude. I'm pretty good at being independent, doing things on my own, finding moments of solitude, but I do not often rest in it.

Resting in this place shows me my need for God, that I should depend on Him.

Gettin' things done -- or not

I have been sitting at the reference desk all day and avoiding my portfolio like the plague! I am going to stop procrastinating right now!

I caved...

And bought some Halloween candy. I know. It's not even October yet.

I love fall

Testing my hand at sketching. I am thinking about turning this into stationary of some kind. I wanted to add an orange stripe, but I do not have an orange pen. If the leaf looks orange, it is because I colored it using red, yellow, and brown.

What I really want...

I have had to really think about what my next steps in life will be and I feel overwhelmed by the process. I was recently asked to think about what value I find in retreating to this place of anxiety and stress. The answer I came up with is that I do not want to do whatever it is I am supposed to do. For example, I have to do my portfolio in the next two months. I do not want to do this project at all. I feel anxious about it and tend to avoid the project.

There will always be things that I must do that I do not want to do, even if it is something I like. A good example of this is practicing my cello. I do not often "feel like" practicing. But when I do, I find myself completely focused on something beyond whatever is going on in my life, and that is a healthy place for me to be.

I realized that even though I do not want to do my portfolio, I have to. I chose to do this degree and I am choosing to finish it. When I take a step back and look at what I really want, the degree becomes a small part of a bigger picture. With that in mind, I can be more relaxed about getting it done.

Hatch

History

When I was in junior high, I went to summer camp. Every morning, we got to pick some kind of skill to learn from one of the counselors. One morning, I picked juggling. We practiced throwing and catching first one ball, then two. I practiced that motion for years before I realized how to add in the third ball. So yes. I know how to juggle.

A different morning, I picked cartooning. It was so fun! It was just a basic session on how to alter things like hair, eyes, ears, noses, mouths, eyebrows... everyone had their own style too. I created this character there who was supposed to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. He was really tall and thin, had a long narrow face with tall, narrow, curly hair. He also had a mustache. Ever since, I have had sort of this latent fascination with comics. Since that conversation that I had with my physicist friend (about the vortex), I have been trying to think of other ideas for comics. It is definitely challenging.

What I'm finding is that the sketching is a great stress reliever. When I sketch, I am solely focused on the story I'm trying to tell, or the idea I'm trying to express. Plus I'm not very good at drawing. I'm not sure that I'll be able to come up with ideas consistently, but I'm gonna try to post more comics here when I think of them. Today, I drew a strip and a self-portrait. Since I don't have a scanner, they'll have to wait until I take them to get scanned somewhere. I'm having fun.

Step away from the physicist...

Actual conversation. I DO actually know what a vortex is. I just said the wrong thing.

Self-Evaluation Exercise

I recently was asked to ask ten people the following question: What shows up when I show up? What do I bring into a room?

The first three responses I had to get in the span of about ten minutes. The rest I've been gathering along the way. I pulled out the most common qualities mentioned by my friends and family:

• conversation (5)
• friendliness (3)
• calmness (2)
• comfort (2)
• deepness (2)
• home (2)
• humor (2)
• including (2)
• intelligence (2)
• peace (2)
• put others at ease (2)
• realness (2)
• safety (2)
• welcoming (2)

I actually have to figure out one more person to call.

Anxiety Dream

I dreamed last night that I got asked to babysit a small child, less than a year old. So I was watching him and it was good, but for some reason I just left. It was like I forgot I was babysitting. When I returned, the mom and her friend were (understandably) upset.

That was the basic plot. Other elements of this dream included a weird house. It was sort of like a mansion but there were all these apartment type suites inside. And when I went back to find the kid, I could not find him because the house was so big.

After I "forgot" about the kid, I left the house. Once I remembered, I had to walk up this giant hill. The whole time I'm in this dream, I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open.

I tried looking up what some of these items mean and they do sort of line up with how I'm feeling about life right now.

Babysitting = responsibility
House = life
Tiredness = physical exhaustion, boredom, monotony, or tiredness of life or a particular situation

Fear

So I had a discussion last night about fear. I definitely fear failure, and after thinking about it more today, I would have to say that I also fear being incompetent in areas where I feel that I should have competence. Because of my fears, I do not take as many risks as maybe I should. I'm realizing that about myself though, and I'm hoping that I can begin to face them down.

An update

I just finished my LAST "real" research paper. I may have to write a little more for my portfolio/thesis, but that will not be nearly as difficult. I'm starting to think a lot about the transitions in the next couple of months. I'm a little scared. I am looking forward to them, but change is always a bit frightening.

I am playing cello tomorrow night with a band that is new to me. I'm only playing two songs, but the experience so far has been really fun and positive. I'm having fun. If my job search ends with a job in San Diego, then I'll probably commit more fully to this band. They're good and I feel like their lead guy is respectful and talented. My life these days revolves around music and school.

Last week, I had to finish that research paper and this week I have two rehearsals and a performance. I've been singing at church on Sunday nights and it rocks! Plus they pay me, so technically, that makes me a professional singer! This cracks me up. I would do it for free, because I have such a good time doing it, but it is also really affirming to be paid to do music. There's no better feeling in the world than to get paid for something you love. So I'm having a good time.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Walking in SD

So I really like to walk a lot! One of my favorite places to go in San Diego is at Mission Bay. There's lots of parking and the path has mile markers to tell me how far I've gone.

Three stories for ya about walking at Mission Bay:

1. I was walking near the hotel part of the Bay and walked past a crow. I have always been fascinated by crows. Many of my favorite authors write about crows-- about their intelligence, sense of humor, and tendency for hiding shiny objects. Well, as I was walking, I watched this crow fly down and pick up this monstorous chocolate chip cookie. The crow had the whole thing. This really made me laugh.
2. One day, while walking past one of the bathrooms, I happened to look inside a vending machine. In the dispenser, there was a pigeon. Nesting. What I was thinking: Smart bird. It was out of the wind and defensible to all predators except for humans.
   
3. The last time I went to the beach, I saw a girl sort of running backwards near me. All of a sudden, I heard her yell, WATCH OUT! YOU'RE GONNA HIT THAT GIRL! I turned and looked, and sure enough, her husband or boyfriend had thrown a long spiral pass with a nerf football, and it was flying straight at me. So I reached up and knocked it out of the air. I bobbled it a little but caught it in the end. They were both impressed with my catching skills.

I love walking.

My brother's dream

My brother just called me to tell me this dream he had. It fired him up. Basically, it was about me getting picked on. He got really upset and tried to protect me.

The weird thing was that the situation was very accurate and had elements of truth. He said it was really vivid and that he thought it had actually happened. The reason why is because it really did border on reality. This situation was not very far from certain experiences and situations that I've had. I had no idea that he even noticed when these situations occur.

I thanked him for standing up for me and protecting me in his dream. He laughed.

The situation he dreamed about could actually happen in real life. And in all seriousness, if this actually happens in real life, I know that he really would stand up for me and protect me.

A new band?

I've been playing music with this guy over the last month or so. I've really enjoyed getting to know him and playing with him this summer. He is so endearing. He is really worried that I don't like it or that I'm just going to up and quit on him. This is because I haven't fully committed. I can't.

He is a big dreamer and I think he has talent. He is definitely investing in his music. I think I'm walking into this situation with a little more aloofness and skepticism than I did the last time. I also think that this guy I've been playing with is more sensitive to emotion than a lot of guys I know. He is probably sensing a bit of my aloofness. I'm also a very different kind of girl and I think he may also be having difficulty reading me. These two things alone I think would be worrisome.

He wants me to play a show in the middle of August. That's what we've been working toward. I have one song down for sure and one that's almost ready.

Inside Family Joke

When my sister was five or so, my parents gave her a scooter. Her reaction upon seeing the scooter was excitement, but the first thing she said was, "no pom-poms!" We have her reaction on a family video and "No pom-poms!" has become a recurring family phrase.

She recently got engaged and will be getting married next year to a great guy. So I made her this cartoon and gave it to her as a card. This is a rendering of *almost* the same drawing on a post-it:

Simple Autumn: Visualization

Here's a pretty cool visualization of a song I wrote. I used wordle.

Portfolio

I've started to think about my final portfolio and what platform I want to use to publish it, whether that be the repository my school owns or some other kind of software. So I've been playing around with various platforms, and I was very excited to discover that Wordpress will allow me to basically create a free website that does what I need it to do. If I pay a little extra, I could upload mp3 and movie files (for screencasts).

This is awesome. You can look at my other site here. My portfolio is currently password protected, mostly because I don't really have anything up yet. All the pages are blank.

I have a friend who is a graphic designer, and I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to create a logo and/or banner for my site. Sweet!

Affirmation

I got to sing at my favorite church service on Sunday. I cannot express how affirming it is to just be up there and be a part of the music. I really enjoyed it--the band was rockin'!!! We all got some great compliments from the congregation. It really helped me start the week with a great attitude.

Job Update

I found out last week that the job in Mississippi is now unavailable. The person who had the job decided to stay. So I will probably not be moving to Mississippi anytime soon.

However. I did just get an interview for a library here in San Diego. I'm nervous. This feels too soon and I'm not sure that it is exactly the kind of position I want. I do not fully trust my decision making skills.

I gotta say though, one interview out of four applications is a decent response rate. That means my cover letter and resume were strong enough and that I'm applying for the right kinds of positions.

More job hunting

At my conference last week, I was asked to be on a panel after the opening keynote speaker. It was a great opportunity to let people know that I was graduating with my MLIS in December...check that... finishing my coursework in December (I'll be graduating in May). As a result, I had one or two people introduce themselves and ask me if I would be interested in applying at their institutions. One of them was a catalog position, and I don't think I would be very good at that.

As a result of being on this panel, I also made friends with a library director who was on the panel with me. We really hit it off, and after the conference was over, she sent me an email to let me know that her circulation librarian had just quit and wanted to see if I would be interested in applying for it. I told her to send me the job description. The college sounds really neat. It is in Mississippi. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

I currently have three applications out there. Two are for libraries in San Diego, and one is at a library in Idaho. I was looking at another job in Texas today, where I also think I would do well, and that position starts on September 1, but is negotiable...

In my mind, I'm applying for a bunch of different positions, and I am not really expecting that I will get any of these first ones that I apply for. The last time I went through the job hunting and application process, I felt like it took a month or two for me to really hone my application skills and write killer cover letters. So if I did happen to get a "bite" on one of my applications, and someone wanted to hire me, I feel like things would happen much more quickly than I expected them to.

I really want to see the job description for the job in Mississippi. I think I would have a good shot at getting that one because I already know the director. I definitely need wisdom on this decision because that would be a big change!

Music

At the last show I did with my former band, I met a guy who was vitally interested in talking with me about playing cello for him. He emailed me last week and we met up after work yesterday to just talk about music. It was really good and somewhat affirming.