I Love Community

I love the fact that I can now go to church and hang out for lunch after. Today I conspired to get everyone to go to In-N-Out. It was a hit. I love being able to spend time with the people at church. As I left to leave for work today I said, "Goodbye my church family."

I am starting to get to know the "elders" of my church... the older, the wiser, the young families with kids... I have really missed being a part of the diversity of the church.

Ministry

I have been living in the last week in this fog of half-awakeness. My eyes are tired, probably from reading little black music notes, staring at the computer screen too long, sinus pressure, and not enough sleep.

I used to have these dreams as a child where I could only see the bottoms of things because my eyes wouldn't open all the way. I could only see out the smallest slit of my eyelids. I saw a giraffe that way, and it was just four spotted legs. At least I knew they were legs.

Good question this week from a discussion group I'm in... How do I minister to others?

Well, I have two ministries I think, one formal and one informal. The formal ministry is through my music, and I have no idea of the impact that has on other people. I also use music to help kids have fun at church, to teach them God's Truth. I really don't know that this has an impact. I suppose we'll know what kind of impact we will have once they hit jr. high or high school age... will they hold on to the Truth they have been taught? Or will they turn away? Only God knows.

My informal ministry is to my friends and family. I really try to encourage people as much as possible, affirm their strengths and gifts, and help them to move beyond their guilt when they feel guilty. I try to remind people when they feel like they've made mistakes that God still loves them, they are forgiven, and that I don't think less of them for their failures. In fact, I usually want to still be their friends.

I'm also starting to get to know the two high schoolers in our church. Both girls, and they are so fun. I'm trying to talk them and their parents into going to Mexico for a short-term mission trip.
I may have even succeeded.

I always like spending time with kids. I was such a serious child after my parents split, and I grew up very quickly. I still don't think I'm a kid person, couldn't imagine having children, and I think if I do ever get to that point, I'll probably adopt. But kids tend to gravitate to me. I don't know why except that I usually take them seriously.

I had a whole conversation with a five year old boy once at the coffee shop while his mom hung out with her friends. He just wanted someone to talk to.

Maybe my ministry is that of a listener. I don't know.

Community Bowling

Went out with the community group last night for dinner and bowling. Since our leader is Hawaiian, we had Hawaiian barbeque. It was so much fun cause there were a bunch of us, and we hadn't all been together in awhile. Three of our group were traveling, and that's a lot when all three are so consistant.

At dinner, one of the guys put his arm around my shoulders for awhile in a gesture of brotherly love. Its nice to know that he missed me. It was a comforting feeling. It makes me glad that I have a friend like him.

Everyone went bowling, but I refused to bowl. One of the girls scored a turkey!!! It was awesome!!! One of the guys was also a great bowler. Who knew that we had such depth of talent in my community group?

Magnetic Poetry - 2

What happens when my boss plays with the magnetic poetry in my office:

Robyn Is cacophony

Writing is like Prayer

Went to two lectures yesterday given by Lauren Winner, author of a memoir called Girl Meets God and in one of them, she compared writing to prayer.

This probably only makes sense to those of us who write because writing requires discipline. Most of the time, it is very challenging to try and write something profound, meaningful, or simply express your thoughts on a subject articulately.

I think it is equally challenging to pray profoundly and articulately.

I can remember so many times in college when I was trying to write a paper just sitting in front of the computer, waiting for the words to come. The more pressure I was under, the more difficult it was to get the words out.

There's a lesson to be learned here perhaps about waiting on God...

Lauren Winner commented that when we pray, we talk more than we listen.

I think that's true. For me, it is hard to listen when I feel like I don't hear from God, so I fill the silence with sound, and the quiet with His Word instead... maybe that's how we hear from God.

I struggle more than I admit with God's will for my life. Sometimes I wish he would take out ads on billboards.

Prayer is a discipline I should practice more, and it seems to be one of those things that people talk about but fail to do. That's true for me.

As I practice the discipline of prayer, perhaps God's will for my life will become more clear.

And here's a weird thing: The more I write, the more I pray... I can tell when I'm spiritually dry because in those times, I just don't feel like I have anything to write. Writing helps me to observe and reflect, and leads me to prayer.

One discipline leads to the other.

The Surreal Life

I woke up so tired this morning that life felt surreal. And for a second, I believed that I was living a fake life.

Does this happen to other people?

Does this mean I'm living a lie? I don't think so but I wish I had more time today to reflect on whether there is any truth to this fleeting thought I had when I woke up this morning--to think about how I could be living my life differently or how it could be more real.

On a completely different note...

I met a really cool guy who likes to study at the library on Sundays. He's working on an M.Div. from APU, and I have started to look forward to seeing him when he comes in. Yesterday, I was excited because I thought I would see him, and when he didn't come in, I was disappointed. As I was getting ready to leave, he showed up and chatted for awhile about his interesting life...

I really hope that he sticks around. I want to be his friend.

Sundays are a long and lonely day for me to work. I do nothing but sit at a desk. Sometimes, I get to answer interesting questions, but most of the time, it is quite quiet. I appreciate the solitude, but I miss the companionship of sharing breaks with my coworkers.

Sundays seem less lonely when this guy comes around.

Full Circle

Had a great time at the Jars concert last night, they had no bass player, and no drummer, so it was an all acoustic set.

Tammy came with me to the concert (as did my sister and another friend of mine) because her friend's brother-in-law was opening. Found out later that this was the same guy that we met at camp in 1996 when he was touring the camp scene. Tammy and I both bought his CD back then, and turns out that my family has actually heard of him. So it was cool to see him up on stage. Not only that, but the crowd actually knew his songs.

Comfort Music

I'm going to see one of my all-time favorite Christian bands tomorrow night...jars of clay. As I was reflecting on this show, I was remembering the last time I saw them in concert. My brother invited me to go because he knew I liked them a lot and they were playing at Pepperdine, where he went to school.

Prior to this concert, I had one of the most memorable and upsetting conversations I've ever had with my dad. It was awful. I came away from that experience convinced that my dad and I would never understand each other.

That concert was so good, and although I don't remember all the songs they played, I remember being able to talk to my brother about what had happened and being comforted by him. I also remember feeling that there was comfort in the music that was being played.

I find that in some of my worst times, God has comforted me through music.

Luke 6:37-42

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back." He also told them a parable: "Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully qualified will be like the teacher. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, "Friend, let me take out the speck in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye. (NRSV)

We talked a bit at Bible Study last night about the difference between holding someone accountable and judging them. It is hard to withold judgment, and forgive as God forgives, but it is what we are called to do. I think I judge more than I think I do. Yet at the same time we are to hold each other accountable. When does accountability become judgement? In our discussion I think we decided that the difference is love, even though accountability can sometimes feel like judgement. Whenever we are held accountable for sin, we get immediately defensive.

In my personal experience, I will listen, get angry, think about what the person is saying, and then evaluate their words to my behavior. Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I don't.

The Bible doesn't say "Never point out the speck," but implies we can after some self-examination. The log is our own pride and self-righteousness. It can blind us. And how can you even see a speck if you're blinded by the plank? The balance between holding people accountable and allowing them grace is tricky to maintain.

More on Art

If you stepped back for a moment and took a look at the work of art you have created with your life, what would it look like? Are the lines still forming or can you begin to envision what the entire picture is going to look like? Think of it as the masterpiece that you will present before God once you die. What will it look like? And how do you think God would judge the quality of your work? Is it a masterpiece fit for a museum? A Sunday morning comic?

What a great series of questions on the topic of Christianity and art.

If my life looked like a painting, I think it would be a bit abstract, with subtle color differeneces. I think the eyes would be somehow drawn to the center and there would be lines, but they would be disconnected from each other.

I feel pulled in so many different directions, and I have never really followed through on what I really want to do with my life. I have a lot of different interests and a fear of failure, so I don't take very many risks in terms of job stability or relationships. I feel that I have a strong center in my relationship with God, but since I'm boring (from a lack of taking risks) I think the color would be sort of boring. However, the color could imply ambiguousness in the sense that although I'm not an ambiguous person, maybe the color would hint at the depth of my soul or something.

I think the lines are still forming in my life and I have no idea what the final picture would look like. I would hope that one day I would look at my life and considerate a masterpiece, but at this point, I don't see it. My life just sort of looks boring and disconnected.

Waiting on God for direction can sometimes take a long time.

Define Art

I am trying to meditate, fast, and pray on Fridays as a ministry to Ryan, a friend of mine who is a missionary in Africa. He asked a small group of friends and family members to do this with him. Every Friday, someone writes a guide for us to study regarding a people group, idea or ministry.

This weeks guide was written by Ryan's older brother, and it was an exploration of the definition of art and exploring art in the context of Christianity. This is a subject I hold near and dear to my heart.

I love to create and feel that the best art I've created has been the result of the gift of inspiration. It is hard for me to create without inspiration, and all my best work has come in flurries when inspiration strikes, which is not often.

There is something also to be said for being disciplined in the arts. As a musician, the less I practice, the more technique I lose. It takes work to make the music sound beautiful, and not like it is difficult to play.

I also know that when I do not create, I become static and depressed. I find that for me, a creative outlet is necessary for me to stay sane. There was a time in my life that I did not create. I went through a complete dry spell. Then I realized that I needed an outlet and started creating again.

I believe that art is a search for meaning...a search for Truth. There is always suffering, pain, and evil that you encounter on the journey. These things are as true as the end result. Is there beauty in suffering? Maybe not in the physical act, but maybe in the way it refines us... and suffering is common to the human existance. We can all relate to it.

Much art is created out of suffering and despair. Sometimes the creative process in these times gives us release, and perhaps a chance to hope a little that things will be better one day. This kind of art reminds me from whence I came and where I want to be sometime in the future, even if that future is simply the next minute I breathe.

Three things

Three things tonight...

1. I alternate between being very grateful for where I am in life and yet feeling like I should be doing something more... Like there's more to life than how I'm living it.

2. The generosity of my family always surprises me. This time, I received a generous gift from my my brother. It was completely unexpected, and kind. Combined with my tax refund, this gift helped me to pay off my dental bill.

3. My roommate got yet another salary raise, and she sells books at a bookstore. She now makes double what I do, with less education. It makes me feel like a failure.

For Laurel

A Short Story:

One day while we were hanging out, Laurel looked at me and said, “You’re going to be in my wedding someday.”

I had only recently met Laurel, and had known her for maybe two weeks. People always thought we were related because we had the same color hair and eyes, and though I was taller, she wasn’t too much shorter than me. We lived in the same dorm and had initially met at a Campus Crusade meeting.

I kind of looked at her, perplexed, “You don’t even know me that well, you can’t possibly know what the future holds.”

“I just know,” she said.

“We’ll see,” I responded. This really confused me. I thought it was cool that she thought we would become good friends, but I do not let very many people get close to me and I was rather skeptical.

We later became roommates, confidants, and good friends. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. And as it turns out, she was right. I did end up being in her wedding. I felt privileged to be a part of it and see a deeply held dream come true for her.

While it takes two people to maintain a relationship, Laurel was the first person to ever seriously pursue me as a friend. It is difficult to say why some people become friends and others are friends for a time and then move on, or why some people never become close at all.

All I know is that Laurel and I shared a passion for Taco Bell, good literature, and a desire to know God more. Laurel always badgered me into telling her what I was really thinking…again, one of the only people in my life to challenge me in this way.

Laurel, I have loved being your friend, and I thank you for pursuing me as a friend those first few weeks we met. College just wouldn’t have been the same without you, and I really don’t think that I would have met anyone else who could have filled the role you have filled in my life. Life would be much lonelier without you. I’m glad I get to be a part of a dream that you have held in your heart since I first met you and though we used to tease you about it, I know I never doubted that you would be married some day…I just took issue with the “when” J. Congratulations.

Love,
Robyn

My evening

Went to my friend's apartment to do laundry. We were invited over next door for dinner, which was awesome! The girls we met were so nice. I also managed to get attacked by the laundry machine, and I suppose two loads completed are better than none. I might regret staying up so late tonight, but I had a good time, and it is Thursday tomorrow, and I have Friday off.

Hardships

I'm really struggling with my finances right now. It's so hard to get a bill in the mail that doubles your debt. I keep trying to think of ways to pay...should I pay it off as quickly as possible? Even if I have to sacrifice a lot just to pay? Or should I pay it off little by little because I can't afford to sacrifice what I think I can?

I talked to my dad about it. I never ask him for anything. I asked if I could use one of my savings bonds to pay off the debt, and told him that I would be open to hearing any suggestions he might have.

I'm so tired of owing money, I just cannot seem to get ahead in life. Its so frustrating!!! I cannot succeed in any of my financial goals unless I pay off the debt.

I didn't realize how affected I was by this until a few tears broke loose at my small group last night. I'm really stressed out about it.

But I know that God will provide. He has always been faithful in the past. My brother even offered to help if I needed it, and a friend of mine from small group offered to help me in small ways. It reminded me that people do care, and that I can still have hope for the future, in spite of major financial set-backs.

Girls' Weekend Out

This weekend was so great! I went to Napa with Laurel and her sisters to celebrate her last few weeks of singleness. We had a good time of relaxing, sharing, and fun. I'm so tired right now, but it was all worth it. I can't wait to sleep. I don't want to go to bed too early because then I'll be awake at the crack of dawn.

A Night Out

My date diary:

2:30pm
My date suggests via e-mail (I don’t do so well with the phone) that we go to a jazz club. Seeing as how my roommate and I had made plans to go see her boy play in his band later that night, I emailed him, “no, let’s just do dinner.” I also tried to convince him to go to Baja Fresh, one of my all-time favorites, but he wanted to sit-down somewhere.

4:30pm
Getting nervous, and its time to leave work. I decide on my way home that I need to take a walk before I leave cause it will clear my mind and give me time to convince myself to be nice, talkative, sincere, and less reserved.

5:00pm
I arrive at my apartment, change, and go for a walk around a large block, to the park and back.

My mantra: “Just be nice. We can be friends. Don’t be so serious.”

5:50pm
After a good self-pep-talk, I arrive back at my apartment all sweaty and decide to take a quick shower before meeting this guy at the restaurant.

6:10pm
If I had a choice, I would wear my old jeans, favorite long-sleeved shirt, and hat. Knowing that my date is from Texas and will probably wear a button-up shirt, I decide to go in jeans, an old polo, and a brown jacket.

6:20pm
Finally out the door. Headed to Mission Valley for dinner. I’m supposed to be there at 6:30pm.

6:29pm
Driving around the parking lot. The people who designed parking lots in San Diego were idiots!

6:30pm
Still driving…

6:32pm
Still driving…

6:33pm
Aha! A spot! But its not in front of the restaurant. I don’t really care, so I get out and walk over.

6:35pm
Only 5 minutes late. And my date is already there. He says hi and greets me with a hug longer than I expected. The waitress leads us over to a table. I start to pull out the chair and sit, but my date doesn’t like the table because it is in front of the server station…. So he asks the hostess if we can move. She says yes, and we moved. To a quieter corner table.

6:43pm
We start having a conversation about stuff. Topics of conversation included my Spring Break, his travel plans, rehearsal schedule (he’s a singer) and my orchestral involvement.

6:50pm
We order drinks (non-alcoholic of course!) and look over the menu.

6:55pm
The waitress comes back with our drinks and we order. I got chicken tacos. My favorite!

6:57pm
Conversation continues. Topics include: His spiritual gifts and personality (he’s an extrovert…this is making more sense to me now…I wonder if he understands the fact that I’m more introverted…), and my personality and spiritual gifts (I’m a creative communicator!)

7:10pm – 7:35pm
Food arrives. He prays. We eat and continue to talk about: My opportunities to be more creative at work, his interest in arts, my interest in water, how I almost killed myself once in a Catamaran.

7:36pm
Waitress asks if we want dessert. We decline and she leaves the bill. We continue to talk, only I’m wondering why we aren’t leaving yet.

7:40pm
My date, “Oh yeah, before I forget, here’s a CD I think you might like.”
I take the CD and look it over, “What is it?”
My date, “It’s latin jazz… there’s some songs in Spanish, Portuguese, and French I think too. I don’t know if its your style, but its mellow.”
Me, “Okay, I’ll give it a listen.”

7:40pm
My date, “I’ll pick this up,” referring to the bill.
Me, “are you sure, I’ve got money.”
My date, “Well, its up to you.”

Awkward! I ended up letting him pick up the bill.

We chat a little longer.

7:45pm
I look at my watch and say, “I need to get going.” And he says, “okay.” So he makes a gesture for me to walk ahead and we walk outside behind these kids who were singing a potentially made-up, very repetitive song about birthday balloons, which they were carrying out the door.

7:47pm
I angle toward my car. Can’t find it. This never happens to me! And my date is a witness to my momentary memory lapse.

7:48pm
Figure out that I’m two aisles farther than my car, and its parked further back than I thought it was.

7:50pm
Thanked my date for dinner, and gave him a hug.

7:51pm
Got in my car and drove away. So glad to be home. Yay!

Resting and Waiting

How important it is to rest! We talked about the Sabbath on Sunday, and how important it is to take the time to rest.

Bob (the pastor) advised us all to take the time to say "no" to things that we normally say "yes" to and to say "yes" to the things that we normally have to say "no" to. I thought that was good advice.

I am totally appreciating Spring Break, because it is a time of rest for me even though there are no students. It is very quiet here, and peaceful.

I am looking forward to this weekend, wherein I will be spending time with Laurel and her sisters to celebrate with her as she prepares for her wedding in 3 weeks.

Right after Ryan left to go overseas, I got sort of sad. I really miss him. And because he was gone, I just let it be. Then he sent me an email a few weeks later and reminded me that even though he lives farther away, we can still communicate. It was sort of a "Hey, I'm still here for you, how are you doing" email.

This is sort of how I feel about Laurel's marriage... I find myself mourning a little for our friendship because things are changing. But I have to remind myself that even though this is a big change in her life, she is not going to change that much, and even though things will be slightly different, we will always be friends.

More Communication Issues

I have been really worked up by all the thoughts in my head. I have had recent doubts of my introvertedness, but as I have taken steps outside to sort of observe the way I function, I really am an introvert. Take tonight for example, Bible Study was cancelled, and although I was a little bummed out, I was able to finish a book I borrowed from the library, and I'm feeling way more relaxed than I have in awhile. It's a good feeling.

However, today wasn't my best day. I woke up feeling grumpy and tired, and then my coworker sent me an irritating e-mail, and I wrote her back. She thought I was being mean, and then when we talked about it verbally she still thought I was being mean. I don't know what else I could have done to make her think that I wasn't being mean... she pushed the issue, when it could have been dropped and then I told her exactly why I was irritated. It was sort of messy, but I'm totally fine with the way things turned out even though she walked away in a huff. I apologized a little later but she only hears what she wants. I don't think she understands why I got irritated, but won't listen to why. Anyway, makes for a good discussion.

Comic-tragedy

The most awkward night ever:

Having a friend of mine yell at me in band practice the other day and it really hurt my feelings. He told me later that he appreciated me being there, and I think we're okay, but it really put a damper on the evening for me. Made me feel rather anti-social later which was a problem because then both the guys who are interested in me showed up last night. They don't know each other, and then another friend of mine said loudly, "so who are you dating?" He had no idea he was standing between the two guys, and I had to pull him aside and yell at him for being indiscrete.

Anyway, it was hard for me to sleep last night, I thought about this the whole night! And I was unable to resolve anything in my mind.