Do I really want this?

So I started looking at other grad schools today besides UCSD... and I need to do more research. This process is quite daunting, and I'm getting scared again... I think it is more of a fear of failure (to get into a school) than a fear of the work. Although, it is quite expensive to go back to school. I don't know if I am ready to handle that kind of indebtedness. Then again, if I go to UCSD, then I could possibly go to school part time, and continue to work at Point Loma.

Sometimes I wish God would show me his will on a billboard, so that I couldn't possibly miss what He has for me to do.

Fresno beat Kansas State yesterday (yay!!!) and my brother got his picture in the paper (I think) it was one taken by the Associated Press and I saw it briefly right after the game on ESPN.com.

I also took a 2 hour nap yesterday, and then I couldn't sleep last night. I was still awake at 3:30am. Remind me never to take naps in the afternoon, no matter how tired I am...It is amazing to me how my mind wanders that early in the morning. And the streets were so quiet. Normally, I hear lots of helicopters and police sirens in addition to the screaming kid who lives behind me, but not that early. Although said screaming kid made his debut this morning at about 8am.

Yeah, I'm sleepy today, and didn't really want to be in church this morning. I briefly thought about ditching, but stayed. I didn't really listen though. I should have just left. A solitary moment at a coffee shop might have done me more good than the sermon this morning. I don't even really get to talk to people on Sundays anymore because I have to go to work right after church. I tuned out. Completely. And then I was glad I had to go, because I didn't have the ability nor the time to explain to people why I was feeling the way I was. Plus I didn't really want to explain things to them anyway.

I try to pretend that everything is okay, but I'm really kind of tense on the inside, without being able to understand where the tenseness is coming from.