Brahms

I met one of the new freshman cellists last week. She brought her cello into the library, so you know, it's kind of hard to NOT notice it. She had a question and we started talking. She asked me what my favorite piece was, and I said "Brahms Em" and she says, "Oh my gosh, I love playing that piece on a rainy day." So true!

This picture is of me playing this piece at a talent show. One of my best performances. It was a great night.

Random sketching

Sometimes I draw stuff. I made this for a friend awhile back and sent a version of this in some actual mail...

Wildflowers

My photography skills do not do these flowers justice. They were all over the place in spring, and now all the grasses are dead, brown, and dried up. It's a drastic contrast between the green and splashes of colors in the weeds in this picture.

Sleeping in! and cookies.

I am pretty excited tonight. "Why?" you might ask? Because I finally get one morning to sleep in! I really hope the gardeners aren't going to be mowing my section of the apartment complex tomorrow.

Also, my cello student made cookies with her mom today and made sure to save me some. It pretty much made my day.

Letting go

Sometimes you gotta just let things go

Pressure

I'm noticing today that I am feeling a lot of pressure about several different things in life. I've been thinking about how I normally deal with this, and normally, I get really overwhelmed to the point where it is difficult for me to focus and get anything done. I get overwhelmed by the "vastness" of projects... if something seems big and impossible, I don't even want to try. But what happens when it's a part of my job? Well, I have to start somewhere. Breaking big things down into smaller pieces tends to help me get going.

So the things that seem sort of impossible right now:

• Getting ready for school, as in actually doing all the things I need to do for my job
• Putting a set list together for church and make copies for binders
• Finding one more member of the church band by the end of this month
• Organizing my schedule (extra panic here, I'm always afraid I'm going to forget something)

A little bit of this pressure is external, for example, the music director at church sent me a text message today to see if I had found anyone yet, but most of it is internal. I put the pressure on myself.

Mantra:
It's never as big as I think, it just requires planning, and then taking action.

Weekend Update

I had a weekend that felt really good. I actually felt pretty balanced between spending time with people, taking care of business (like cleaning my house) and resting. Tried to take a nap today, but read half a book instead. Then I had one of those moments where my life felt totally surreal. Like I still can't believe that I live in Texas (which is still a really hot place to be right now) and that almost my whole house is clean. Who am I???

I went to the batting cages yesterday for the second time in my life yesterday. I talked a friend of mine into going with me, though in all honesty, I didn't have to do a lot of talking. The batting cages are really close to my house, and I will probably go back again.

I have been up to a lot lately. Right now, I am at a Starbucks for the second Sunday night in a row, waiting for my orchestra peeps to show up. It is so busy tonight, I don't think we are going to be able to pull together enough seating. Last week, this place was empty. It makes me wonder what shifted in the world...

I have been trying to get out and meet more people, so I started going to a meetup group once a month. It is mostly a bunch of guys who sit around and jam on guitar. A few of them are really good, and I bring my cello and play along. It was my second time going on Saturday, and already I gave and have been given homework. I am supposed to learn "Night Swimming" by REM. This will happen.

Today, for the first time in a long time, I felt like doing some personal practice on cello... so I did. I started learning this really cool song. It's fun, fast, and jazzy... I foresee myself playing this piece at one of the meetups in the future. It is really challenging and I can only play 1/3 of it right now, mostly because it has a lot of rhythm patterns that I have to figure out. Reading rhythm has always been a weakness for me. But I know that I'll get better at it if I practice.

A connection, of sorts

I had a friend break-up happen awhile back; I mean, I started it, so I wasn't really surprised that this happened. But I am surprised at how well this person was able to just completely drop out of my life. We used to see each other almost daily, and we ran into each other quite often at the same places near campus. And now, nothing. nada, zilch. I started thinking about how weird that was, and as soon as I did (which was on my way to lunch the other day) I caught a glimpse of this person walking ahead of me in the distance. Call me a coward, but I immediately turned and walked the other direction (it wasn't really a positive breakup...). Then today, I had to work, and I saw this person again, just slightly ahead of me, leaving the grocery store. It really hit me how sometimes we cross paths with people at the right time, and other times barely miss each other without knowing it, and how either way, it drastically impacts the connections we have with people in our lives.

Jerome the frog

I received notice that I got a package in the mail and couldn't figure out what it could have been. Turns out I ordered this out-of-print book from a used bookstore online, Jerome the Frog, by Philip Ressner a few weeks ago and it finally came! I was really excited and it brought back some fond memories of my childhood. I remember my dad reading this book to us when I was young.

The story goes that Jerome meets a witch and she turns him into a prince. When he goes to the townspeople to let them know about his new princely status, they mock him and tell him to prove it. Using his wits, he negotiates with a crow, a dragon, and a wizard, convincing them to change their "evil" ways which greatly improves the lives of the townspeople. I loved the illustrations when I was young as the colors were vivid and swirly. Next time I see you, I'll read it to you out loud.

How I'm feeling

I've been struggling a bit with loneliness lately. It is a common struggle for me, even when I am surrounded by people I know. I live really far away from my family, and I think this time, I'm just feeling a little homesick. My sisters all hung out last weekend and I'm sad I didn't get to go with them.

I do feel that I'm making an effort here, since I know I'm lonely, I've been trying to call a few old friends, and trying to set up times to be with some friends here. These feelings ebb and flow, and I wish I felt less reserved about just going out on my own and trying to meet more people. I'm so intimidated by that experience most of the time.

Most people are really surprised when I tell them that I'm shy, or introverted, because they see that I'm really good at talking to people I don't know. However, I need an introduction, or a commonality (for example, it's easier for me to talk to someone I don't know in my symphony because we have music in common).

Most people also tell me that I seem busy. And I am. I have a full-time job, and teach 3 cello lessons during the week, as well as play music at church on Sundays. But I do try to make time for friends. I miss having a regular activity, like frisbee, on Saturday mornings. The weather in TX is not conducive to frisbee. I need some ideas about how to meet people that isn't "go to a bar."

Chair races

Most of my coworkers were gone today. There were only two of seven of us working in my area, which is how it feels when I'm working a Saturday. So my coworker and I (based on a suggestion from another coworker who works in a different area) decided to do a chair race loop. She pushed me in a chair around the "desk island" in our work area. As she was wheeling me back into my office, our boss came around the corner. Oh man. We totally got caught. Not that there will be repercussions...

Canoeing

I have been wanting to get out on some water since I moved to Texas. It FINALLY happened yesterday. A friend of mine invited me to come along with some of the history graduate students from TCU (which is where I work), Well, it was a lot of fun. It was a perfect day, and it took us about 7 hours to make our way 10 miles down the river.

As we got toward the end, I noticed a baggie floating in the river with this white tube of what looked like sunscreen in it. My first thought was that some one had just trashed it in the river, so I wanted to try and grab it and get it out of the river. But it was too far away to be an easy grab. I would have had to get out of the boat to get it. So I let it go.

When we got to our pick-up location (we had rented the boats, and the rental place had a shuttle service) one of the guys who drove us realized that his car key was missing. He was really mad at himself and the situation, though the rest of us were really calm. As he was describing where the key was and what it was with, I realized that the baggie I saw floating in the river was the one with his car key in it.

I am kind of sad I did not pick up that bag now. I could have been a hero.

But we did figure things out and it turned out to not be a super big deal. We were able to get into the car and home eventually.

Gossip

Just found out that someone has been sort of talking about me to people at work, in a "not sure how this will affect my reputation" kind of way. I'm really disappointed. Especially since I do not talk to most people about what goes on in my life outside of work because I hate gossip. I just sent this person an email, so we'll see what happens. Could get ugly. :(

Honesty

I just had one of those moments where I was journaling about my life at this point of time and had this internal battle with myself about writing some things down. It was difficult to do so because when I commit things to paper, it's like saying them out loud, and suddenly what I write becomes instantly more real, tangible, and sometimes scary. The reason for the scariness is due to the base honesty of these moments where I get real with myself, either about the things about myself that I wish I could leave unacknowledged or about the things that I really want in life that I have trouble admitting even to myself. Either way, these journal entries allow me to be more honest with myself and speak to my need for change.

Navigation fail

I hate Dallas. I really do. It seems like so few of the streets follow any kind of grid. Also, I tend to forget steps when I am writing down directions. Which ultimately led tonight to me being potentially an hour late to a wedding, if I could have found it. I just gave up, turned around and went home, and I feel really stupid for not being able to figure it out.

Snacky

Do you ever just feel "snacky"? I, by no means, need to be eating anything right now. I am not even hungry. I just feel like I need to chew on something. Don't suggest gum either, I don't like it and it gives me anxiety dreams-- dreams about how my teeth will stick together because I can't get the gum out of them.

Which brings me to another random story, wherein I was eating lunch with two of my friends today, and we were talking about dreams about losing your teeth-- totally random dream, apparently a really common one, because all three of us had at least one of those. The last time I dreamed about that was a few weeks ago, and I was truly convinced that my fake tooth had broken (or something) and had gone missing. I could feel my gum line where it had been.

And no, I was not chewing gum in this dream.

Advice Follow up...

After thinking about my date last Friday, I realized I needed to fully trust my intuition (which I have been told that mine is particularly reliable by others) and tell this guy I wasn't really interested. I felt like a jerk. No one likes being rejected, and for me, both sides of it are difficult-- the rejection or rejecting. I know I made a good decision, and there will be less hurt and anxiety later down the road for both of us (probably).

This experience, combined with the icky-ness of my string quartet audition experience and subsequent resignation has made this a really difficult week for me. I am feeling a little down on life and feeling extra anxious tonight.

I am really glad I rode my bike today a bit longer than usual. I am delayed in my bedtime, but I am hoping I will be able to sleep when I eventually get there.

I need advice...

I actually went on a date tonight with a guy I didn't know very well. I have been sick most of the week, and I did not feel very well on the date either, but hated to stand him up. We were able to have a decent conversation, but he didn't "knock my socks off." I always wonder in these situations how long of a chance should I give it? Another date or two? Should I just trust my intuition and call it off now? Would things have gone better for me if I hadn't felt sick?

I just really hate hurting people's feelings. And yet, there are also people in my life that grew on me over time, which is why we are all friends now.

February...

...where did you go?

I celebrated my birthday this month... finally got a coffee table which is now the only eating surface in my apartment (thanks dad!)

This has probably been one of the most challenging months in my life. I have been trying to increase the amount of income I earn as a musician, so I wrote to a string quartet in town and was invited to try out. I had two really horrible experiences trying to play with them, and it was really hard. The group stressed me out, mostly because they are perfectionists, and I am not. I also sort of feel like I am not really good enough, and I am trying not to let this experience contribute to that.

I was also given the opportunity to lead worship at my church, which is a much better use of my talent, and which is definitely something I would rather be doing. I am so glad I got this gig, it will feed my soul, and keep me from dwelling on how I feel like I failed somehow as a musician at the professional level.

I am trying to remind myself that I have had lots of other successes, and that not every group is going to be the right fit. Someday, I will find an amazing group to be a part of, perhaps my church band will become that, and I am really looking forward to that day.

Leading...

I subscribe to quite a few blogs. One of them is one by Donald Miller, who wrote Blue Like Jazz (which is a very good read!). I don't often read all the articles in my inbox, I usually just scan headlines and read the articles that look the most interesting. Miller's topic today was Lead by being yourself. That headline was all I read, but it was a good reminder for me today.

I'm taking over leadership responsibilities of the music team at my church, and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I know I can do a great job leading people into a worship experience, but my weakness is that I'm not a very good guitar player. I am worried that it will be distracting when I mess up, and that I won't be able to play the songs well enough (which is kind of a lame thought since I should be able to play them fine with a little practice).

Miller's tiny headline reminded me that I really don't have to be the best guitar player. All I have to do is be myself--someone who has had a lot of experience both leading and following in various musical performance groups, someone who's willing to learn, listen, and practice. I've been comparing myself to all the really good guitarists I know, and I'll never be that good of a guitar player. But who I am is a leader and musician. I'm grateful I even have this opportunity to lead worship mostly because I realized that I started learning guitar 13 years ago with that dream in mind.

If you read this and you know me, please keep me in your prayers as I transition into this leadership position at my church, that I would continue to remember that I should lead by being myself.