Lame

I've been trying to walk in the mornings before work, clears the mind, good for the soul, all that. I just got a hair cut (short!!) and so when I walk, I wear a baseball hat usually. Today, I wore my B.Mello hat. It's cool, yo. Except that it blocked my peripheral vision and I ran into a "school crossing" sign as a result. Yes. I am that lame.

Gray

I was just interviewed to become a member of the church that I have been attending for the last three years. I did not choose to become a member until now because I was afraid of the commitment. I was taught that becoming a member is a serious step to take, and I was never ready to take that step.

I was nervous about going to my interview because of the gravity I assigned to it. When I got to my interview, I was asked a series of questions by one of the pastors. It was annoying. He pretended to be the "skeptical inquisitor" which, in my opinion (and I could be wrong) is not how unbelievers ask about religion. They may be skeptical, but each time someone has asked me about my beliefs, it has been because they were curious. I believe that people can come to their own conclusions, when they're ready. I dislike debates, they do not prove anything except that the people who participate in them like to argue. I wish he would have just asked me what I believed about these issues of faith.

I was talking to a friend about my interview experience, and I admitted that one of the characteristics that I dislike in some pastors I know is their belief that they are right about all matters of faith. I will admit, they have to go to school for a long time in order to become ordained ministers (at least in my denomination), but I believe that there are some things about God that we will never know. I told my friend that I think most people believe that issues of faith are black and white, and therefore can only believe one way or the other about certain things like evolution, baptism, social justice, predestination, free will, and other such issues. Since I dislike drawing conclusions anyway and there IS evidence to support both sides, I am okay with being gray--not drawing conclusions one way or the other.

Tooth stuff

So I went to see my oral surgeon today. The assistant led me to a room and I immediately got suspicious because I had been there before, once for getting my wisdom teeth out, and once for getting a post implanted in my mouth. If they were going to put me under, they would have told me, but as it was, they poked me a few times. All I gotta say is that needles hurt, especially when they are poked into the roof of your mouth. All I could say was, "OW!!" When they were done, I said, "I knew I was going to get tortured today." They laughed. And I was. Tortured that is. Willingly. Sad, huh?

Noooooo!!!!!

The Taco Bell by my work closed. :(
I am sad. Very sad.

Orion

Orion keeps me company when I walk at night,
We are old friends, Orion and I.
His presence a familiar solace,
When my thoughts are heavy.
The hunter chases my anxiety away,
And if he shoots his arrows they fall as stars,
Fiercely blazing against the dark,
Leaving marks of hope upon my heart.

On being tall

Okay, I hate shopping for pants because I'm tall. Very few stores carry the longer styles in my size. Sometimes, even the "tall" jeans still look short on me and I have to sag them. It is rather unfortunate, but gives me about an extra inch in the length.So I just ordered jeans online for the first time. Ordering jeans online is a gamble because you do not know how they will fit, and if they don't fit, it is a kind of a process to return them. The jeans I ordered have a 36 inch inseam. They arrived today and I tried them on and I am so in love. My gamble paid off. I will never talk myself into shorter jeans again, no matter how well they fit on the top or how much of a discount they are.

Walking

Someday my friend,
We'll go walking again,
Talk about where we've been,
What we've seen,
How we've grown,
What we've learned
As we walked alone,
And how much better
It is to walk together
No matter where we go.

Christmas Lights

One of my favorite memories as a child is looking at the Christmas lights that were hanging outside my window. The lights my parents used were big and colorful. Green, blue, and red were the colors that I could see outside my window.

My neighbors hung their lights today. Our house is one of the brightest on the street! They remind me of winters past, fires in the fire place, cookies, and hot chocolate.

This winter so far has been stressful and lonely and the lights remind me of home as well.

So many people these days put their lights up because it is tradition, without really thinking about what they represent. Because of all the lights, I was reminded that they represent the star that the magi saw long ago on the first Christmas night. It led them to Jesus.

The Messiah

For the last three years, I have played The Messiah by Handel. It's most famous song is the "Hallelujah Chorus." I'm always playing so I never really pay attention to the words. This year I tried to pay more attention. This is an awesome and inspiring piece of music that tells the story of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection. I have to say, it is hard to play with gladness when you lose your music right before a performance. But God's grace abounds, especially when one of the other cellists runs to retrieve an extra copy from the music building (which is located across campus) in a tux. He made it back right before we tuned.I had friends and family show up, and in my opinion, this was the best performance we've done since I have been playing with this group.It was beautiful. I feel encouraged.

The Cousins

Thanksgiving with the fam is an interesting experience every year. Every year, I usually say I don't want to go home. The thought of having to deal with the repricussions of my parent's divorce every year during the holidays fills me with tension and anxiety. Some of my cousins usually annoy me every year, mostly because they are immature. But this year was different.

This year, their mom (whom my brothers and sister and I were all scared of growing up) kind of threw a "not talking to anybody" fit. She barely said hi to anyone and left earlier than everyone else.

She did not even really say "hi" to her kids. One of her kids is engaged, and she doesn't like his fiance. Another one is dating this guy that smokes, and she doesn't like him either. Both the fiance and the date were there tonight. So she chose to ignore everyone (the entire family!!) rather than participating in the evening's events.

I actually had fun, but I was struck by how both of these cousins sounded like their mom was really hurting their feelings by not respecting their choices, and I feel for them. Sometimes you just need to know that your parents love you, no matter what. And that when kids grow up, the parents just need to let go and try to be supportive as long as these choices aren't life threatening.

I think that in spite of their outgoing and sometimes eccentric behavior, my cousins are very courageous for taking a stand against their mom, and following their hearts.

Shooting Star

I got home late tonight. This is not unusual. I was kind of irritated that I had to drive around the block to find a parking spot...this is the one not-so-great thing about living in CA. There is very little parking. Anyway, as I was walking from my car to my house, I saw a long shooting star. I have not seen one in quite awhile. I have been in sort of a motivational slump lately, and it has been difficult to get things done for both school and work. I started to think that it was interesting that people make wishes on shooting stars when the stars or meteors are really self-destructing. But because shooting stars are both beautiful and rare, and I got to see one, it gave me a little bit more hope. I was glad I got to see it.

Violin in the Morning

I think I am a little anxious today. I woke up this morning from an anxiety dream... one of the ones where I really needed to open my eyes, but couldn't. It was frustrating.

When I was finally able to wake up, it was much later than I thought I would sleep. It was awesome to wake up to hear my roommate practicing on her violin. I knew she was good, but I haven't heard her play, until this morning.

So I went to pick up a duet for us to work on. I bought a Beethoven duet for violin and cello. This will be good for both of us.

Saturday

Spent a lot of time on my own this weekend. I had to write a paper. So I managed to finish it at about 11:30pm. Then I tried to sleep. The temperature kept dropping, and it was getting colder and colder. Then it started to rain. My feet were freezing, but I was wearing socks, flannel pajama pants, a long sleeved t-shirt, and I had two blankets. After about an hour of non-sleeping, I finally got up, put a sweatshirt on, took the socks off, and turned on the hot water in the bathtub. I warmed my feet up in the bath, while wearing all my clothes, and then dried them thoroughly. Then I put some wool socks on. I'm not quite sure why I was so cold, but after all that, I was finally able to sleep.

In thinking over this situation, maybe it would not be a wise decision to move out of state. My true CA intolerance for cold would be a severe limitation.

Wow, I'm grumpy

I'm feeling sick today, so I stayed home from work. Tonight, I went out to try and find some Sudafed for nighttime, with the Pseudoephedrine (or however you spell that) still in it. Well, since all that stuff is behind the counter, I couldn't exactly tell what it was that I wanted. Had a not-so-fun time trying to explain to the lady behind the counter what I wanted which was any Sudafed product that would help me sleep. So it couldn't say "non-drowsy" on it. Well, they didn't have any. So I decided to go with a Tylenol product instead. Then the lady tells me she needs to see my driver's license, which I left in the car. Went back to get it, and then came back in, and showed my ID and then paid for my drugs. When I got home and actually looked at the package, it turns out that I accidently bought the daytime stuff. I'm so frustrated. I'm not going back. But I need medication. I might not be sleeping well tonight.

Idiotic Moment of the Day

...so that you all might have a laugh and feel better about yourselves...

Yeah. So I was driving to Taco Bell to pick up dinner for me and my coworker, and I was listening to my music in the car on the way, thinking about how intense the last hour was...because the San Diego City Council was meeting on our campus that night, and the opening speaker and entourage walked into the library looking for a fax machine to receive the speech in time for the presentation which was 30min away at that point. I ended up lending them mine, and got to talk to the entourage about their plan to combat homelessness, which was being presented for approval by the city council this evening...but I was thinking about how intense they all were. And then I wished I had worn a suit or something today.

So I was thinking about all this while driving, plus trying to memorize a new song. I arrived at Taco Bell, took one look at the drive through and decided I would go inside instead. So I opened my car door, got out, locked it, and shut it. THEN I realized that my keys were still in the ignition and the car was running. Yup. That was my idiotic moment of the day.

Have you realized that there seems to be a steady disappearance of pay phones??? Where did they all go? I had to use one to call my coworker to come bail me out because my phone, wallet, ID, cello, and a guitar (just thought I'd throw the guitar in for kicks...) were all still in the car. I had to walk across the street to the Denny's, which seemed to be the only place on the entire block with a payphone. Good thing I had some change in my pocket.

Anyway, I managed to call my coworker, who called the auto club (thanks triple A!!!) and they came and unlocked my door. But yeah. That's what I did tonight.

See ya all later.

Walking

Went for a walk tonight, and talked to a friend of mine on the phone while I was walking. I walk this route all the time, so I wasn't paying attention to how far I had gone. All of a sudden, I looked around and did not recognize any landmarks. At first I thought I had walked too far, and then I realized that I hadn't quite walked far enough.

There's a metaphor lurking somewhere in this post... if only I could find it...

I'm a pessimistic dater

I had a great talk with a guy I haven't talked to for a few months last night. I really like him. I would date him. I don't think he's interested though. I have somewhat of an un-optimistic view of dating relationships. I'm convinced they will never work. I'm definitely pessimistic and cynical about them. And all I can do in these kinds of situations is just let them be.

The Most Random Monday Ever!

8:00am
Shoot! My alarm didn't go off again. DANG IT!!!

8:15am
Still deciding what to wear... tan cords with a red sweater? Or khaki's and green?

8:20am
Kahki's and green.

8:22am
Paid the rent...the landlady lives next door, and is somewhat adamant about having us pay on the 1st of the month. I paid today, cause the 1st was a Sunday, she couldn't have cashed the check on the 1st anyway.

8:25am
I finally leave my house.

8:45am
Arrive at work.

9:00am - 11:30am
Working.

11:31am
My phone rings. Its a girl I don't know asking if I want to go to the Tonight Show. She is new and the girl who was supposed to go with her cancelled. I waver on my decision.

11:40am
Asked my boss if I could go. We have to leave at noon.

11:45am
He said yes.

NOON
Got in my car, met this girl, WHOM I HAD NEVER MET BEFORE and started driving. To LA. Seriously. Who does this?

Yup. Went to the tonight show. With Jay Leno. This afternoon. I can't believe I did that. What was I supposed to be doing you might ask? Writing a paper.

Will I regret this decision tomorrow? Absolutely. Did I have fun? Yes.
Have I even started my paper? NO.

DANG IT!!!

but I had fun.

Reminds me of when my friend Ryan O. aka "freak of the weak" kidnapped me from going to class when we were in college and we went and saw Star Wars in the Arlington Theator in SB instead. Except that I at least knew Ryan, and I had never met this girl. Anyway. So that was my day. The most random Monday ever.

Being vs Doing

I'm in a pensive mood at the moment-- problem solving in my head, and reviewing the events of the past week, my goals for the future, and basically evaluating my current state of being.

I really want to go for a walk, but I wish I had someone to call to come with me.

I thought I wanted to just "be" this evening, cause I'm really tired, and I'll probably go to bed early. But at the same time, I sort of wish there were people around.

I have been too busy this week, and I am disheartened by all the time I spend "doing." But if I'm not "doing," then I am bored.

I understand why we are called to rest, because it is tiring to be constantly busy. And right now, I have too much on my mind to even try to rest.

This week, I feel like I've lucked into a very unexpected friendship, and it both encourages me and challenges me at the same time.

More Changes

Everything seemed to be going well, and then all of a sudden, my car required a lot more work. Looks like I'm going to have to buy one in the next year. I really want to get something I love, but I cannot afford a large car payment right now.