Comic-tragedy

The most awkward night ever:

Having a friend of mine yell at me in band practice the other day and it really hurt my feelings. He told me later that he appreciated me being there, and I think we're okay, but it really put a damper on the evening for me. Made me feel rather anti-social later which was a problem because then both the guys who are interested in me showed up last night. They don't know each other, and then another friend of mine said loudly, "so who are you dating?" He had no idea he was standing between the two guys, and I had to pull him aside and yell at him for being indiscrete.

Anyway, it was hard for me to sleep last night, I thought about this the whole night! And I was unable to resolve anything in my mind.

Dating Novella

Dating is so hard. I'm thinking about writing out my stories about dating in the form of a novella.

So here it is, Chronicles of the Chronically Single:

I met a really cool guy about a month ago, and I think he would ask me out except that he's moving in about 5 days. I love spending time with him, and we seem to be very compatible as friends. BUT HE'S MOVING!

Then there's these two other guys that I'm not necessarily interested in. I just don't know what to do in these situations. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm willing to be friends...but if they want more than that, well, I IGNORE THEM!

This is all totally hilarious to me, because I haven't been asked out in the last year or so, and now there's two guys interested, possibly three? If only guy number 1 wasn't moving away...

Dating makes me feel squirmy...like I'm a little kid trying to sit still in church, bored with drawing pictures in the margins of the bulletin with the same dulled golf pencils that never get replaced... trying not to disturb the people around me, but disturbing them anyway because of my restlessness...

There are a few possible reasons for my squirmy-ness:
1. I don't like being the center of attention, and when there's only two of you well... there's not really any way to distract the other person with other people...
2. Even though I have control of the dating situation (ie I am the responder...) dating still makes me feel out of control...when there's another person out there, well, you can't really control them...and uh, that makes me nervous, er, squirmy, even though I like variety in life, I like people to be predictable and the guys who are interested in dating me, well, that's not very predictable at all.
3. I have few close friends, and a lot of people I keep at arms-length. I am very reserved and skeptical, and hard to win over sometimes. My reserve sometimes creates social awkwardness in dating situations and it might be because I feel like I'm a boring person...anyone who is interested in dating me automatically makes me just a little bit skeptical...
4. Of course, I could always blame it all on my parents and their messy divorce, but two of my siblings (out of four of us) are in healthy, committed dating relationships...that's 50%, so I don't know that I can blame the parents...but I could...

Abundantly Poor

It is possible to feel blessed with abundance and incredibly poor at the same time. I have felt so blessed these last few months. I got some great gifts for my birthday, reconciled a relationship with someone I felt I treated poorly, met some new people, and yet, as I paid my bills last night, I couldn't help but start to panic.

I read Matthew 14:14-21 this morning. It is the story of how as Jesus continued to heal the people, more people came, and they had no food. Jesus tells the disciples to give them something to eat, and they tell Him that they only have five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus tells the people to sit down, gives thanks for the food, and provides more than enough for everyone.

God has always provided for me. He never lets me get into the red, no matter how much money I think I have left to spend. This does not mean that I go out and spend all my money, but that I budget and try to make it on what I have. I am so frail. When I panic, its like I'm not putting my faith in God, and he has always taken care of me, another lesson in trusting Him.

Whew!

I think things are finally slowing down a bit for me. Whew! What a crazy couple of weeks! I finally hired and trained my new student worker, I have a normal sized stack of books to process today, and I tested my potential new commute and it only took me 30 minutes to get here, which is only 10 minutes longer than my current commute. That's awesome! So it looks like I might be leaving the community I love, but there is so much potential for a better situation for me.

I am so thankful for all the blessings God has bestowed on my life, and my only complaint is that I'm tired sometimes. But life is good.

Take a breath

Today has been so busy, and I can't believe how the time has flown! I have accomplished a lot this week, and I cannot wait for next week. Not that it will be an extraordinary week, but all the busyness of the past two weeks will be forgotten...I hope.

A friend of mine from church asked me if I would like to move in with her. She is an awesome girl and made me a great offer to live in her house for a great price. There are more positives than negatives about this place, but the negatives are substantial... one of them being the commute I would have to work, the second being the peace of mind and great roommate I currently have.

The positives would be potential for accountability in my Christian walk, significant reduction in rent, the potential to own a dog and move my grand piano down here, be closer to where my friends live and live in the community that I will soon be serving in ministry.

I feel like I have a lot on my plate to think about, and maybe this would be a good change for me.

Authenticity

I think Sunday's music at church was one of the best sets the band has put together in a long time. I don't know what was going on, but the music was awesome! We were all energetic, loose, and really worked well together. It is always more fun when the band rocks!

The sermon really made me think. Ryan challenged me to be a part of his prayer and fasting ministry team, and I was a tad reluctant because I guess I'm scared of committment. Although, if I commit to something, I do it, whatever it is.

So this Sunday, the pastor talked about Isaiah 58:1-12 and what the difference is between authentic faith and inauthentic faith. This particular passage highlights the difference between fasting and praying out of obligation verses sincerity of heart.

This sermon really challenged me to look at my life and the things I really care about. My priorities reveal the true intentions of my heart and if I'm honest with myself, I really don't see myself caring about the things that God cares about. This needs to change. Slowly but surely, I'll get there...only because of the grace of God.

Common Cold

It always amazes me how much a common cold can really wipe me out. I've had this cold for nine days now, and I'm still not feeling very good. I have no energy to do anything. I tried to stay home and fight it for about five days, but it didn't work. I can't wait to go home from work after today because I can just stay home all weekend and try to heal. Plus I have been falling behind at my job because one of my student assistants quit, so now I'm doing all her work and mine and I'm trying to hire a new student. It's going to be a tough decision!

Learning to let go

I'm feeling kind of sick. Nothing like a winter cold to remind me of my frailty, and how thankful I am for my decent health. I have to deal with a few back problems every once in a while, but I usually only get sick once or twice a year. This could be the result of post-holiday let-down.

Holidays always stress me out because my mom gets supersensitive. This year's annual breakdown occurred at the Christmas Eve service at my old church. My siblings and I went with my mom to the service. Then my dad shows up with my step-mom. At first, they were sitting next to us, so my mom really couldn't see them. Then they moved and sat right in front of us and started snuggling relentlessly. It became too much for my mom who decided she couldn't take it anymore and left. Then my sister followed her. Then I left to try and find them in the middle of the service. No luck. I was worried and angry. We eventually did meet up after the service, but the damage had been done.

I was mad at my dad for such a visual display of PDA in front of my mom. He even asked us what was wrong and where she went. He had no idea that it was his behavior that caused her departure. My brother and I lied to my dad and told him we didn't know what was wrong even though we did. I don't even like to be in the same place with both of my parents. I had an opportunity to talk to my mom later about what happened. I told her that I thought that if she was truly content with the way she was living her life, then their behavior shouldn't bother her as much as it does. It's like she needs acknowledgement from them but I don't understand why. My step-mom will never be her friend again, and there will be no opportunity of a second chance for her with my dad.

I might have been able to get through to her this time...I wish she could just let it go.

Rehearsal: Session - 2

This rehearsal was shorter than the other.

In the car after rehearsal...

Robyn: I have to admit I'm a little nervous about recording...
Michael: You know, I was too, but the first time I recorded with them it was really great. Nice and relaxed. You just show up and do exactly what you do in rehearsal.
Robyn: Yeah, that's my problem.
Michael: (laughs) I suppose it is hard to do what you do in rehearsal when you don't normally come to rehearsal...

I did better though. I've been really lazy today at work. I don't really have anything to do, so I ordered pizza for everyone, then we had a really long lunch. Later, I gave an impromptu cello lesson to my friend Brian in my office. I was practicing for the recording session this evening at work. It isn't really acceptable for me to goof off like this at work, but really, there's no one here and I really don't have much to do. I hope I play well and I hope that Garrett really likes what he hears tonight. I don't want him to regret the decision to let me play with them...and studio time is so valuable...I don't want to waste it!

Rehearsal: Session - 1

Rehearsal went well last night. It would take me an hour to get there if I drove by myself, but I carpooled with Michael.

We are going to try and record two songs on Thursday. One of the songs lends itself more to the cello than the other. It was only my first run-through, and I really wish I had even a raw recording to get these songs in my head. They are both a little unconventional...not predictable with the chords at all! Hopefully I'll do better tonight.

Michael and I had some great drive-time conversation about our friends who may have just started dating, how Christmas isn't Christmas without Michael Bolton singing Christmas carols, believing as a child, CS Lewis and his autobiography, whether people share their struggles with others in the church... we always say that we want people to be real, and if there is any place to admit that you are hurting, it is in the church. But I don't think that is the case. People also complain about the superficiality and hypocrisy of the people at church.

I know that I don't feel like I have a place there to admit when I'm struggling. And it isn't that I think I'll be judged, but I doubt whether sharing my struggles will do any good or whether people really want to hear and help.

My friend Anne, who used to live down the street from me, played Viola for us at the Christmas service last Sunday night. She is Mormon. Michael made some comment to her once about how Mormons are not Christian and it sparked a conversation between me and her about the differences in our faiths. Michael was wondering how similar or different a Mormon Christmas service would look. I told him we should all go to lunch when he gets back from vacation, and we can ask her.

I have another rehearsal tonight.

Christmas Spirit

I have not really been in the Christmas spirit...although my office window is decorated. Went to church last Sunday, even though I didn't really feel like it.

I guess I have sort of this love/hate relationship with holidays. I do not always look forward to them, but then I have a good time as I'm in the moment. I just hate the tension. I feel like I feel it the most in my family, and perhaps it is all in my head. Maybe I'm just imagining things.

I also don't really get as much of a break this year as I have in years past. But I'm glad I have a job. Seriously. We had our staff Christmas party today and got some fun gifts...slinkies, bouncy thingies...I gave everyone a kazoo. Who wouldn't want a kazoo? Some TV trivia cards, a calendar of cats, lots of candy, and a frother amongst other things.

I'll get there eventually.

Debt

I wish my financial debts could just be cancelled. I spent the better part of the drive from Long Beach to San Diego trying to work myself out of debt in my head. It is going to take a minimum of 6 months. I was trying to figure out if I could afford to put another car repair on my credit card. I could, but I don't want to. So I thought about an aggressive saving plan...start with the money before I repair the car. That's going to take at least three or four months of living very minimally...but I just want to be free.

Being in financial debt has given me new perspective on spiritual debt. We have a spiritual debt, and God paid it on the cross. We are free and that's so exciting. I wish my financial debt could be similarly cancelled.

The major difference between financial debt and spiritual debt is that you can work your way out of financial debt (most of the time). You can't exactly work your way out of spiritual debt. There's nothing we can do about it except pray to God and ask him to free us.

All I know is that I will be so excited when I am finally free of my financial debts, and I should be more excited that my spiritual debt has already been paid. I am grateful, I just haven't always acknowledged my spiritual debts or been as grateful as I should be that I am free.

Practice makes perfect

I practiced my cello last night. I am so rusty. I read an article this week about how 56 cellists tried out for a single professional position with the Minnesota Symphony. I would never make the cut. I do not love the music enough. At least I get paid sometimes.

I ran into a faculty member that I used to work with last year. She is in the process of writing a book and is speaking at various conferences. She told me that when she was teaching, she knew that she was disobeying God, even though some good things were happening. It made me think about disobedience in general, and how a person can really know if they are being disobedient to God. I suppose that God would make it abundantly clear, or the person would just know. But what if you don't?

I guess that's where the practice comes in. If I don't practice my cello everyday, my technique gets worse, and I can still play well, but I have to work harder at it. The music just does not have the same quality. I can tell the difference. It takes a lot of discipline to play well.

And it takes a similar kind of discipline to know the heart and mind of God. I do not always practice everyday as I should, but if I keep practicing, it will make a difference in the long-run.

Big dreams, baby steps

Garrett e-mailed me last week and asked if I would be interested in recording (cello) with his band. I told him, "heck yeah!" He e-mailed me back today and told me that rehearsals are next week and they are recording next Thursday. I didn't expect it to be this soon, but it makes sense.

I am going to be somewhat depressed if this does not work out somehow because somehow, I always get asked to play for people, and then they flake on me. Musicians...flakey.

But I love this band, they have a great sound, and I'm so glad I got asked to play with them! I am ecstatic. I'm waiting for a phone call from Garrett so that I can find out where the rehearsals are and where they are recording.

One of those things that just colored my day in a good way.

The vacation schedule

I'm pretty excited about New Year's. My brother Adam planned a get-together downtown San Diego for the evening. I'm excited. I haven't spent New Year's with the family for awhile. No parents. Yay! The only bummer is that Megan can't go. She isn't 21. Boo!

My rough week has ended. I'm back to my old relatively cheerful self and I got a nice Christmas bonus at work. I have a nice big project to work on during the next year, and I'm excited about it. Maybe I'll even ask for a raise.

I'm learning about how to invest financially, and that's a good thing. I want to save money. It just hasn't been happening very well. So now I'm taking a more active approach and maybe I'll be able to save for some longer term things that I would like to purchase.

We were able to work out a compromise, sort of, with my dad on Christmas. Normally on Christmas, we go to my mom's house on Christmas Eve, and dad's on Christmas day, at around 11am. This year, he wants us there at 10am. That's so early. Then we get an e-mail from my step-mom, with the day's schedule all written out, and a "by the way, get here at 9:30am." Adam, Megan, and I were all kind of upset. Duncan is playing in a bowl game too close to Christmas, so he won't be there with the rest of us. So I called dad and told him that Adam, Megan, and I had talked, and that we would be there at 10am and that we were upset that he didn't ask us first if 9:30am would be okay.

It worked out. He said okay. As if he had a choice.

Matchmaking

Hmmm...I just called a friend of mine, and turns out he's interested in one of my friends. It made me laugh. They have a lot in common, and I think they would have fun together. I don't know if she'll be interested...

Foggy

When I got to the library today, the temperature (according to the gauge on the reference desk) was 62.8! That's so cold for inside a building! One of the other librarians left a small space heater underneath the desk. I love it. So warm.

The humidity was 60% and mostly due to this eerie fog that rolled in last night. It was thick for a fog in CA. And I could hear the foghorns from the coast. I haven't heard foghorns in a long time.

Make that a rough week...

So I got in fender-bender tonight. My fault. I rear-ended the lady. I can't afford this. Not finacially, not physically...I'm broke in all senses of the word. The dental surgery is probably going to cost me a bunch. And I have no idea what the damages will be to my car. I think I'm looking at $1000 minimum. I wonder what my car is worth. I'm so mad at myself. Frustrated with life. I just want to give up. Due to dental and car issues, I'm going to be more than $1500 in the hole. I can't seem to save anything, and I'm not really buying a whole lot except for medical costs and car repairs. At this rate, I'm averaging about 1 car accident a year. I really hope this doesn't happen to me for the rest of my life. I feel like I just can't get ahead. At least I don't have to rent a car. Since Megan can't drive right now, I borrowed hers.

I want a do-over for the week, starting last Friday.

Tuesday

I'm starting to feel better. My co-workers tell me I looked kind of bad yesterday cause I was still swelling. I took the afternoon off. It was funny cause my roommate has a horrid cold right now, so we were both home at the same time, drugged up (she's on Nyquil and I'm on pain meds) watching Dr. Phil and Oprah. I did feel a lot better this morning, maybe because I got some rest. But I still feel like a gapped-tooth wench even though the gap isn't that visible.

Rough weekend

It is only Friday, but it has already been a rough weekend. Went in to get some gum tissue removed this morning, and the doctor ended up pulling one of my teeth out because it was cracked. I'm a little depressed and hurting right now. My mouth is still bleeding. Losing my teeth is one of my worst fears. And it has come to pass. I survived. But it hurts.

The tooth-fairy owes me big for this one.