Some of Christmas

I think I always get depressed right before the holidays. Not sure exactly why, but I'm sure it has something to do with all the trauma and drama that happened in the past over holidays. This Christmas was actually fun and relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my mom and siblings and got to see most of the extended family.

I read the Christmas letter that my dad and step-mom put out, and what they put in for me said something about how they don't see or talk to me a whole lot, which is true, and that they realize I seem to have "found my niche" and I "seem to be happy" in San Diego.

Is it bad that I have little desire to work on the relationship? Or that I know that I should try more but just don't want to?

I think I'm a bit sad that they did not ask me what they should put in the letter for me. I feel like if they wanted to know more about my life then they should call me more often.

As I get older, my life gets more monotonous. There aren't many new things going on in my life. My life is sort of stable (praise God!) and maybe even a bit boring to the point that nothing stands out. I feel like I have nothing to contribute in the way of conversation sometimes.

Music Opportunities

I just invested $700 in a new cello case. And I spent about $700 on a new computer. That's a lot of money for me. Both needed and necessary.

The cello case is exciting because I've needed a new one for years. The new case is waterproof and air-tight. Perfect for all the traveling my cello has to do. Especially this month, cause I got two small paying gigs. Both recording. One song for a clarinet player who wrote a piece for piano, cello, and clarinet, and a bunch of songs band-style for one of the worship leaders at church who is putting out an album. I've been listening to the rough tracks today and I'm impressed. It is basically a marketing album for him cause he plays at a lot of weddings and people are always asking him for his CD. Plus he's signed to a small label so that's nice. The music network is working! There's nothing like getting paid for something you enjoy. I told the worship guy he could pay me what he could afford. Perhaps it will lead to bigger and better things for me.

Reindeer Games

Reverse order events:

Today:

Just got back from the department Christmas party. We ate Hawaiian food and exchanged gifts. Everyone was really excited about the Christmas antlers we received and wore them through the opening of the presents. At my work, the rule is that you buy everyone the same gift and it must cost less than a dollar. You could also make something if you want. I bought everyone cowbells. This fits with my music theme because last year, I bought kazoos for everyone. Next year, I had a great idea. I'm going to buy $1.00 CD's at the store. Most stores have a random clearance CD section wherein all the CD's are really funny and cost a dollar.

Our director is retiring in August this year, so we knew this was going to be a special Christmas. For our gifts from him, we were each given a carved angel. Mine is called the angel of love, and she is holding a nest of birds.

This is interesting because love is THE attribute I struggle with the most. I'm still not quite sure what it means to love, and my actions aren't always very loving. Sometimes I question whether I love people at all. So I find it interesting that of all the different angels I could have received, I received the one that is the most ironic. I feel like there's a message in the gift for me this year. It was a great party. And no one is going to get any work done for the rest of the day.

Sunday:

Woke up and went to church to practice the children's choir who amazingly enough really practiced a lot on their own and sounded great! My parents came into town to see my sister and I perform in our church's Christmas service last night. One of my friends cooked this whole meal for everyone so my family went to "dinner" at her place. She is such a great cook! The food was great, and so was the company. I'm really glad my parents had the chance to meet some of my friends. Then we relaxed at my place before heading out to the church.

Kids choir. So funny. Of course something always has to happen and what happened this time was that our littlest singer who is about 3 decides to hold a syllable just a tad too long in Joy to the World so it sounded like this:

Joy to the world,
the Lord is come
let Earth receive her Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnngggggehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It made me laugh in the middle of the performance.

I thought things went rather well on the whole.

Saturday:

Christmas shopping, chores, and party. I cannot believe I actually found a spot at the mall to park in. I managed to do about half my Christmas shopping and wore myself out. Then I went back to my place to take a nap, only I watched "Elf" instead. It was still restful. Then I started washing my clothes, practiced guitar like crazy for the performance with the kids on Sunday, and then when my laundry was done, took it to dry at the laundromat, wherein a whole row of dryers did not work and there were not really too many dryers available. I had to finish my chores before going to the Christmas party, so I was about 2 hours late. However, I dressed up like a reindeer, and took a picture with my friend who dressed up like an elf. Awesome.
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I am noticing a reindeer theme. I think they are my favorite Christmas symbol. Which is sort of weird. And I'm still wearing antlers.

Another Christmas Party

So I'm going to this Christmas party on Saturday wherein there will be a Christmas sweater contest. I do not have any good Christmas sweaters. However. I do have reindeer antlers. So I think I'm going to resurrect my old halloween costume from about 5 years ago and show up as a reindeer. Yeah baby. I'll take pictures.

Music

I worked really hard on this piece for the orchestra I'm in. We did the concert last Friday, and none of my friends came. I was sad because no one I knew came. It made me realize that music is meant to be shared and that it is important to me, more important than I realized.

More parties

Went to a very fun birthday party last night that ended with a jam session wherein we all sang "isn't it ironic" by Alanis. Our new friend Kyle somehow manages to channel the spirit of the songwriters and singers of the songs he plays. He does a good Garth Brooks and Bryan Adams impressions. He also played a bit of Keith Urban, and I think he really likes country. He is definitely a good guitar player, and he's fun to be around.

Blue

Cellos sound blue.
Blue like the depths of the ocean
Sweetly, nostagically blue
Brought to life by a bow drawn across strings
Even happy sounds have sadness lurking beneath
Much as the sea happily winks on the surface
But is serious and darkly blue
down below
in its heart of hearts,
where few have ever been
or are likely to go.

Monday Mishaps: 2

It was such a busy weekend last weekend, and everything I did was fun, but it wore me out. Handel's Messiah took up about 6 hours of my time between the rehearsal and performance. I did not get my usual down day. By the time the weekend was over, I had a heck of a stack of laundry. So I decided to go to the laundromat. Everything was going well when I got a call from a good friend of mine. I have not talked to her in awhile, so it was good to catch up with her. Well, I hung up the phone, put it down on my passenger seat, opened my car door, locked it and closed it. I ended up locking my phone, my keys, and my wallet in the car that night. I had to run home to use the phone. It was about a mile. Then I called the auto club, and they bailed me out. I have a spare key somewhere, but I couldn't find it. It was a heck of a night.

I must be mentally stressed out, because that's when I always start either losing my keys, locking them in my car, or leaving them in the door. Which I also did about 2 weeks ago.

Recent Happenings

Reverse order events:

Piano Party (Saturday 12/02):
My roommate and I celebrated the moving of my piano from LA to SD with a party. It was really fun because it had a focus: everyone had to play or sing a song. It was highly entertaining and everyone had a good time. Toward the end of the party, one guy started playing guitar, and I started playing cello, and we had so much fun playing together for a small group of our friends...I think there were about 5 or so left. I told the guitar player that if he ever formed a band I would be in it.

Side note about the party: We now have a ridiculous amount of alcohol to drink at our place, and neither of us are big drinkers.

Arrival of the piano:
So excited to get my piano back. It is 100 years old and has been in my family for about 50 years. My grandmother bought it for my aunt to play when she was young, but my aunt just quit one day and the piano sat soundless. When my mom got married to my dad, my grandmother gave the piano to my parents because my dad is a musician. His mom (my other grandmother) is a music teacher, and all her kids are very talented musicians. Of all my siblings, I was the only one to learn and continue to play. My mom told me that I could have the piano. That day has come.

Saturday (of Thanksgiving weekend):
Drove back to San Diego from LA area to share a meal with my friends. It was a good time.

Friday (of Thanksgiving weekend):
At my dad's house for dinner. LS is 3 years old and belongs to my step-brother, who is back in jail.

RR: Hi Everyone! (Looks down at LS) Hi L! How are you?
LS: Do I know you?
RR: Well, we've met before but its been awhile. I'm Robyn. One of your aunts.
LS: Okay. Let's play.
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Well, we decorated the Christmas tree at my dad's house, had dinner together, and celebrated my step-sister's birthday.

Here's a funny story: Every year on Christmas day, we steal this family picture of all us kids when we were young and on vacation out of my step-mom's living room and wrap it for her to open. The first time it happened, she didn't notice and she actually laughed because it was unexpected. We have been trying to play this trick on her every year since. Every year we succeed in wrapping it, but most of the time, my step-mom notices that the picture is missing.

This year we are trying to scan and copy the picture without her noticing WAY before hand. I don't know if my sister succeeded in this endeavor, but this year, we are going to give my step-mom a poster size version of the photo. Should be entertaining.

I also went out with my two step-sisters and my sister that night. We had a good time and it was the first time all the girls went out together. However, my step-sister wasn't drinking very quickly so we had to invent a drinking game: For every five words that came out of her mouth, she had to take a sip of her drink...it was also helpful that she got a phone call and went outside because I was able to take a gulp of her drink so that she would finish it faster. If she noticed that there was less to drink when she came back, she didn't say anything.

Thanksgiving night:
We went to my grandma's house. The boys had invited two of their friends from Fresno to play in the Turkey Bowl. When we arrived to grandma's house, the boys and my sister started to play 3 flags up. Then we ate. Lots of food of course. And the two boys from Fresno proceeded to have an eating contest. Whoever ate the most would not have to drive that night all the way back to Fresno. My brother was the referee. The guy who lost ended up puking. Between the two of them they ate about 6 full plates of food and 10 pieces of pie.

Turkey Bowl (on Thanksgiving morn):
This holiday started early. My sister and I shared a room and her alarm went off at 6:30am. We sort of started getting ready for breakfast because our brothers and their friends were playing football in the morning... the annual red/black game that they started four years ago. This year, they painted the field, had a trophy, and my sister made big posters in support of the red team. There were a lot of families that showed up in support of the game. I filmed the whole game on my dad's digital recorder. The red team lost, mostly due to the fact that they didn't fight any of the bad calls that went against them.

Monday Mishaps

One of my co-workers asked me to help move some sodas over from the music department to her office. They were left over from homecoming events this weekend. We got everything loaded onto a book cart, and then headed over to the library. On the way, I hit a divet in the concrete, and all the sodas fell off the cart. So funny. We were helped by a kind faculty member from the math department to get all the sodas back on the cart.

Potlucks and Parties

Everytime I go to potlucks thrown by certain friends of mine, I have to see the guy who asked me out. He is always there. I have not gone out with him, and don't plan to. Now, normally, I think most people are fine in this situation. I get nervous and avoid him by talking to people in other rooms. I feel awkward, although he probably doesn't. I think I'm more socially inept than I had previously realized. I'm out of practice and find myself without topics to speak of with people I don't know very well. And I was thinking to myself that there were a few guys I would be interested in, but I have nothing to say to them really, mostly because I don't know what to say. I live a boring life. I really am out of practice trying to talk to people I don't know that well, and this is just one of the reasons why I don't like parties all that much.

So I think its ironic that my roommate and I are going to throw a party because once my piano arrives, the house will be completely ready for us to have our housewarming party. This will only be the second big party I've ever thrown. The first was a birthday party about 2 years ago.

The Ocean

So the ocean is the most interesting shade of purple today. Normally, it is shades of gray, blue, and green, but today...it is most definitely purple.

Sunday Boredom Series: 2

Just got back from visiting Laurel, and it was so fun. I really miss seeing old friends on a regular basis. I really wish we could live in the same city. But alas. I have committed myself to going back to grad school, and therefore, I will be living and working in San Diego for at least another three years. That's a good thing. My staff is very supportive, and bought me a sweatshirt from my new school and gave me cash for the books I will have to buy. I'm glad that I have a new path to follow, and although I never thought I would go this route, I feel that it is the right decision for now.

Word(s) of the week:

Christian Seekers

Definition: Those church-goers who go to church looking for date-able Christians of the opposite sex. Relentless attention seekers but only want attention from and or relationships with "attractive" members of the opposite sex.

The female version of the Christian Seekers drive me nuts, and I have not seen this very much with the guys cause there just aren't that many, and with the girls flocking to them, they don't really have to try.

News and Notes

It feels so good to have the housing situation under control. I'm done with my old place and into the new completely with nothing else to worry about. I called my parents to find out when I can move my piano down. I'm so looking forward to that day.

I went to Knott's Scary Farm last weekend and it was really fun. I didn't think it was very scary. It was more disturbing than anything else, and it was fun because of the people I went with. I found out that the guy who invited me along went to the same youth group I did in Jr. High and High School, and we know a lot of the same people even though we didn't know each other. I did recognize his brother though, who graduated high school a year ahead of me. It was one of those small world connections.

I also made a new friend (sort of). I had been meaning to try and hang out with this girl more often, but I really haven't been able to spend that much time with other people over the last month anyway. We really have a lot of the same interests and I really like her a lot. Now that I have moved, we're sort of neighbors. Anyway, she came to Knott's as well, and then over for dinner last Friday, and we ran some errands together last night. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her better.

Hope

I hurt because you are hurting
I do not have the words to help
And I do not envy your broken heart

But I do know that because you are strong,
You will grow stronger
Your love will grow wiser,
And your faith, deeper

Do not lose hope
because God loves us more than we can ever know or imagine.

Pathetic Life

I had a Sunday off for the first time in a long time. So I went to some friends' apartment and spent almost all day with them and a few other friends from church. It was so nice to be able to do that. I didn't realize how isolated I have been until I spent time with everyone and I was talking it over with a friend of mine who came to visit me for lunch and I started to tear up a bit. I have definitely been missing my friends because I used to only see them on Sundays, and now that I'm at a different location, I don't really see anyone anymore.

In thinking about what's been going on, I have a good exuse--all my energy has been taken up by the move I made, and I work on Sundays. As of yesterday (Wed.) my now ex-roommate was still sleeping in my old apartment. She was supposed to be out last Saturday. So now I'm responsible for 3 extra days rent because she wouldn't leave. This has been extremely frustrating and stressful. But she's gone, and I'm officially out of my old place and completely into the new. My new roommate comes back from her travels today, and I feel like life is getting back to normal. Finally. It has been a lonely few months, and I'm not always sure why I don't call more people in these situations. It has to do with my perception that I don't have strong enough relationships with people or my perception that they are too busy to spend time with me. I think deep down I sometimes feel like I'm boring, or uninteresting, and unimportant to a lot of people, which is somewhat true. We all have varying degrees of importance in relation to others. Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm going to Knott's Scary Farm this weekend...looking forward to that because I've never been. Not the smartest timing in terms of what I have to do the next day...I'm going to be exhausted...but should be worth it nonetheless.

Commitment

Just realized why I don't like committing to things... I want to be able to keep my options open.

This applies to relationships as well...this might be why I have trouble dating people. That and a fear of being emotionally vulnerable.

We've been talking about different personalities at work, and I think I'm an INTP, but not extreme. I have some, but not all of these characteristics.

Focusing issues

I'm having one of those weeks where it has just been hard to focus. I have one or two tasks that I really need to finish today, and should have been done yesterday or Monday yet I procrastinate.

Its been a contemplative week for me as I've been sick, and it has made me phyisically weaker than I thought it had, I haven't been around a whole lot of people outside of work, and I have been wrestling with a decision that I really shouldn't have to wrestle with. I feel like I should just be able to make up my mind and be done with it. But I can't.

And I had a dream last night about being exposed and feeling out of control even though I should have had more control in the situation. This was interesting on a number of levels especially since I have been thinking a bit more about the level of emotional vulnerability I have with different people in my life.

Then last night at my Bible Study, we talked about how there used to be a barrier between us and God, and now there's not, so that he is now always present through the Holy Spirit and whether this has any impact on our daily lives.

Bottom line: I have a lot on my mind.

Notes

Notes in chronological order:

1. On Friday night, I waited for a friend of mine to pick me up to go spend the night at Newport. She was over an hour late, and there's nothing that makes me more insecure than complete tardiness. She didn't have her phone with her, so I thought I might have been abandoned. And there's other things I could have been doing besides sitting there and waiting for her to pick me up. It brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and totally puts me on edge emotionally. I think there are some issues here that I might need to work through...

2. Went to Disneyland yesterday for staff appreciation through work. This was really fun and I made some great connections with people at PLNU that I had not met before. One of them is getting his Ph.D. in Political Science at UCSD (I think...) and was encouraging me to apply to teach world civ. I'll go talk to him later this semester.

3. My apartment manager called my mom re: the old apartment, and I just don't want to deal with it. However, I still need to go get the last few things that are in the kitchen and in my room. I hate trying to get the stuff that's last. Mostly unimportant junk that needs to be cleaned up, and who knows if my ex-roommate has been trashing the place. This is probably what a break-up would be like except the break-up would be worse, cause my heart would have been more involved. I wish there was a move-out fairy, who could, with the swipe of her wand, move all my stuff from one place to the other without having me there.

4. I led kids' club at church this morning and taught the lesson in addition to leading the worship. Right before I started teaching the lesson, I felt something tickling my arm and brushed it off, only to find a rather large spider there. It was bigger than your typical SoCal spider about the size of a $0.50 piece, and I think I yelped a little just from the surprise, and then the kids were distracted by it and kept saying, "Don't kill it!!!" Finally, our true director got it with some posterboard and relocated it to the grassy area right behind our area. Had this been my brother or sister, I don't think they would have been functional from the fright.

Thunder & lightening...

There was a storm right over San Diego last night, and it was loud! Very tropical and muggy air. The lightening was striking so close and making car alarms go off and all the windows shake. It would have been cool to watch this storm over the ocean. We don't have storms like this very often in SoCal. They happen more frequently in the mountains and not so frequently

I think I forget how scary the storms can be when you're in the midst of them.