Black Eye

Me: Adam, do you want to see my ugly face?
My brother: Hold on, let me put my contacts in...
Me: Okay...
My brother: MMMha ha ha. Nice.

I do have a black eye at the moment, in addition to everything else that's swelling on my face.

A fun survey

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
-Knowing that I'm accomplishing my purpose in life AND experiencing open spaces.

What is your greatest fear?
-Losing my teeth AND not taking any risks.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
-Rosie the Rivetor aka women who went to work during WWII.

Which living person do you most admire?
-I'm very curious about any people that have charisma... that unexplicable charm.

What is the trait that you most deplore in yourself?
-Selfishness

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
-Illogical thinking.

What is your greatest extravagance?
-Books and education.

What is your favorite journey?
-To Africa and back.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
-I don't know if it is a virture, but I would say "peace--" the fake overrated kind.

On what occasion do you lie?
-When I'm trying to hide.

Which living person do you most despise?
-I try not to despise people, but I don't like know-it-alls.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
-What?

What is your greatest regret?
-That I don't take risks and therefore miss opportunities.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
-I don't know.

When and where were you happiest?
-Working at summer camp. Lifeguarding.

Which talent would you most like to have?
-I always wanted to be a drummer.

What is your current state of mind?
-Reflective and nostolgic.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
-That I didn't care so much about what other people think.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
-I don't know...graduating college was pretty cool. I still have time to achieve my greatest achievement, right?

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?
-Because of my Christian beliefs, I would have to say a more real, more complete version of myself.

What is your most treasured possession?
-My cello. It has given me ways to connect with people in ways I never would have if I didn't play.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
-Living without hope.

Where would you like to live?
-Anywhere good friends can be found.

What is your most marked characteristic?
-When I'm feeling confident and self-assured, I can talk to anyone and make them feel included. Either that or my seriousness.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
-Kindness and honesty.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
-Kindness and honesty.

What do you most value in your friends
?-Their ability to be genuine and serious and funny.

Who are your favorite writers?
-Madeline L'Engle, and C.S. Lewis.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
-Aslan the Lion.

Who are your heroes in real life?
-People who pray.

What is it that you most dislike?
-Arrogance and dishonesty.

How would you most like to die?
-A morbid question, but I would have to say I'd like to die without pain.

What is your motto?
-Hope.

Practice

I had a friend ask me how I'm doing spiritually this week. Instead of answering the question directly, I kind of made up some excuses that did not really answer his question. I guess I was dodging the question because I was hiding the truth.

The sermon tonight at church was about God's comfort. The pastor told us that if we feel God's absence, that is evidence of his presence at other times in our lives.

I think this gave me hope.

Tonight, I got to play cello with a band that I absolutely love. They lead worship on Sunday nights at the church I attend. I have to admit that worship is definitely a state of mind, and it is difficult for me to truly worship God when I play cello. The reason is because I'm thinking more about the music than my state of mind. I can count on my hand the number of times I have truly worshipped God using my cello. But I can say that those times were some of the most meaningful experiences I have ever had as a musician. They come few and far between, but because music is a discipline, the more I practice, the better I become, the better my fingers remember their positions, the less I have to think about what I'm doing, and the more likely it is that I start to think outside of what I am doing physically and move in to a state of meditation. In this state of mind I am able to think beyond the music and think about what the music means. It is in this state of mind that I am able to worship God with all my heart. Like music, worship is a discipline. This is why I practice.

Nerves

So, I just practiced my cello for an hour. And now the nerve in my index finger on my left hand is super sensitive. It feels like there's a spring in it. Every time I touch something, the nerve "bounces" in my finger. Kind of like when you hit your funny bone in your elbow, and it vibrates. Yeah, except in my index finger...and its not going away yet...

Love

There's nothing like the reckless abandon of a child who knows that she is loved and freely loves in return.Sometimes I wish I could love as freely as that child.

Finals Week

There's nothing worse than trying to get students in an overcrowded library during finals week to respect the others around them by being quiet, especially when there are no study rooms available.

Enforcing the quiet policy is making me edgy... and probably giving me a bad reputation.

What else can I say?

Its May.It is a busy week. I'm taking a day off to write a paper. How wrong is that?Plus I have a concert on Saturday, and there are still two-ish rough spots I need to work out through practice.I can't believe I have to take time off to write. Yuck!I'm hoping the words will just flow.

Dream

After all these years of living in the same house since I was 3, my mom went into a closet in our laundry room, pulled down a ladder that looked like it went to an attic, and I climbed up into a beautiful sanctuary, as in church sanctuary. It had been hidden in the house I grew up in all this time, and I never knew or realized it. The floors were all made of long wood panels, sort of a medium reddish brown color, complete with knots. There was an aisle down the center between two rows of pews, all cut from the same kind of wood, and they all had the same paneled look as the floor. The roof peaked in the center and was as long as the room. There was an alter in the front, and I think there was a cross behind it, but because it was the same color as all the wood in the room it sort of blended in to the back wall. There were no windows...and no doors, just the hole in the floor I came up through. There was no one in there. And I wished I had my cello, because I just knew the acoustics were going to be amazing.

It was a beautiful room even though everything in it was the same color. It makes me sad that it really doesn't exist.

Yes, it was all just a dream.

Lonely Days

Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I really want solitude. But then when I stop doing whatever it was I wanted to do by myself, I get lonely.

And you would think that it's easy to just pick up a phone and call my friends, but it is not, and I don't.

Because for some reason, I can't.

I think the reason is that I assume everyone else needs their solitude too. And I don't want to be an interruption.

Church...and being critical

I went to a friend's church tonight, and I'm a little mad at myself for being critical about the service. It was a perfectly good service, but I didn't really let myself just sit back and enjoy the experience. Instead, I was analyzing the narrowness of the rows (felt like I was going to fall over when I was standing up), distracted by the fake drumset (never thought I would ever say that they needed the drums to be louder), and also distracted by the worship guy, who kept playing his guitar while he was praying. The pastor's sermon was decent, and it sounds like he knows a lot, and yet his style of presentation made it sound like he really didn't know very much.

I don't want to be distracted, and yet I was. Maybe if I go back, I'll be able to focus better.

I think I do this to people. I usually have an open mind initially with people, but then sometimes I get critical...for no real reason at all. I really need to change in this area because I don't want to be critical toward others. I don't like interacting with my dad sometimes because he can be critical, and I believe his skeptism keeps us from experiencing a deeper relationship. I really dislike the criticism, yet find myself criticizing other people sometimes.

New friend?

So I had this gift card to Olive Garden. I received it for teaching a swim lesson to some ladies at work that are competing in a triathalon. I coached and taught swim lessons for about 7 years in the summer until I had to get a "real" job, so I am good at stroke analysis, technique, and coaching people to improvement.

Sorry, got sidetracked. So anyway, I hadn't seen my friend Ryan G. in awhile, and made plans to have dinner with him. Ryan and I have a fun history together because we grew up together. Our parents went to the same church, we went to the same schools, and he used to hang out with my step-brother. Then he ended up coming to UCSB, and we were involved in the same club, and spent a summer overseas with the same group of people. We lost touch a little after college, but then he moved to SD, and well, its fun for us to hang out because we know a lot of the same people.When we were talking about where to eat dinner, I remembered that I had a giftcard to Olive Garden. So we decided to use it.

We were starting our conversation when all of a sudden there was this guy with a loud booming voice who introduced himself with a VERY australian accent, "Hi, my name is James, and I'll be your server tonight..."James told us that he is half-aussie, and half-american, and let me tell you, our experience just would not have been the same without him. He was courteous without being obtrusive, the service was excellent, and he was both fun and funny all at the same time. It is obvious that James loves people, and Ryan and I agreed that we would come back, just because of how great our experience was. The most interesting thing about it was that James has no prior server experience, and this was his first week on the job.People seem to be afraid of getting to know each other these days, it is rare to meet those who are willing to try. I think we found ourselves a new friend. And to think, I never go to Olive Garden, and never would have gone if I hadn't got a giftcard.

Yeah cable!

Finally got cable internet. Is this a sad commentary on my life when I get excited about broadband? Is this weird that I have not had it before? I was using dial-up.What this means is that I will be more accessible online. And isn't that what the Internet is all about?face-to-face interaction versus online interaction. Discuss.

Working

Tiredness and Laziness.

Not a good combo.

Caffeine anyone?

Also, got a 19/20 on the paper I finished last Saturday. Yep. The one I procrastinated on.

Grade check

Yeah! Got a 19/20 on the paper I procrastinated on. I forgot to include one component, so that's pretty good. :)I'm such a nerd.

Haiku

Tired and lazy
Not a good combination
Caffeine anyone?

Saturday Adventures: The Break-in

So today, I knew I had to finish my paper. Still haven't finished it yet. It is due by midnight. Thought I would be writing all day. Thought it would be a boring day. I was wrong.

I made plans to hang out with a friend of mine today for lunch. So she called me and I drove over to her place. We walked over to the local shopping center to get some lunch and ice-cream for dessert. About halfway through lunch, she noticed that one of my earrings was missing. I think it fell off when I took off my sweatshirt, but I have no idea where it is now. Bummer, cause I really liked these ones.

So we walk back, looking for the earring, didn't find it. We get back to her apartment and she says, "Oh no, the bottom part of the door is locked."
I said, "I locked it when we were leaving."
She says, "I don't have the key, we're locked out."
I said, "Well, is there a way to break in? Is your slider unlocked?"
She said, "No, and there's a stick in the window."

Sure enough, there was a window stick, designed to keep intruders from breaking in.

I said, "Well, let me see if my arm is long enough...I might be able to reach around and get it, do you want me to try?"
She said, "Yes."
"Okay." I said. And I started emptying my pockets. I pulled out my phone, my wallet, and all my money so that I could work unhindered by all the stuff I carry around with me.

So I pull the screen off the window, open the window as much as I can, and stick my arm in.

"My arm isn't long enough...is there a stick somewhere?"
"Yeah, let me find you one." She hands me a long stick.
"I'm gonna get your blinds dirty."
"That's okay."

So I start trying to use the stick as a wedge to lift the other stick out of the window's path.

"You almost got it!" She said.
"I know...this is harder than it looks!"
"Oh, you got it, you got it... just a little more...what if you try to slide the window as you're lifting up?"
"Okay," I said, and lifted up and pushed the window open at the same time. "I got it!"

She was laughing. And took my picture in the open window because she thought it was so funny. So not only did I lock her out, but I was able to break into her house. We started talking about breaking in.

"So you've never had to break in before?" I asked.
"Nope, never."
"Not even growing up?"
"Nope, my mom was always home."
"Yeah, my brothers and I always had to break in, I always forgot my keys."

I was one of those latch-key kids. My mom was almost never home after school, so I got really good at getting into my house if I didn't have my key. Yeah, I got skills.

Paper

I procrastinated. It is due today. I'm not done yet. And its Saturday. At least it is raining so that I'm not tempted to go to the beach or something.

Music I listen to

Every once in awhile, I get captivated by a song. It doesn't happen very often, where I hear a song that grabs my attention and I want to buy the album as a result. I prefer to wait until I realize that I like at least half the songs on an album before I purchase it. One of the only times I bought an album for one song was when I bought Dizzy Up the Girl by the Goo Goo Dolls because of the song "Iris."

"Iris" has a chorus that goes like this,

And I don't want the world to see me,
cause I don't think that they'd understand,
when everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Plus it has a pretty cool cello part. Anyway, it happened to me again, where I heard a song that just captivated my attention and I immediately wanted to buy the song. I didn't even know it was the Goo Goo Dolls until it came on the radio and I happened to be on the phone with my friend who actually knows a lot of songs and she told me that it was a song by them. The song is "Better Days," and again, it has good lyrics and a great cello part. So I bought the album today, and I love it. Everytime I hear "Better Days," it makes me smile. I think it has been on the radio since around Christmas, because it is sort of a Christmas song, but I don't care. I could listen to it over and over again. And I have. Here's the second verse and chorus:

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I could probably play the cello part. It is very cool. The rest of the album isn't bad either.

Teaching and Writing

I was just thinking about how fun it is to read certain writers who publish regularly, and I realize just how hard it is to write something everyday. It is especially a challenge to write posts that are meaningful, or funny, or insightful, and do it on a daily basis. So I don't. But I wish I could.

I taught the kids at church today, and it was difficult for a few reasons:

A) It is spring break, and all our normal helpers are out of town, so we had a lot of new ones
B) I felt unprepared... as I had to teach the lesson, pick some songs to sing, and control the flow of the morning.
C) Time change. I was tired!

Teaching on Sundays has really confirmed to me how tired I would be if I taught at a regular school of some kind. Things always feel so chaotic. Our director assures me that I am doing a good job, but I never feel like I do.

I need new songs. I need to go and buy a bunch of kids songs on cd or something. I keep listening to my radio for appropriate songs. I knew good songs were hard to find... They have to be age appropriate, match our theology, and it is an added bonus if they have motions that go along with them. I try to write them, but it is hard when I feel like I don't have any good ideas right now. The whole writing process takes time and time is a very limited commodity for me at the moment.

Who are you?

I am mentoring a student right now, and we've come to the part in the curriculum where I have asked her to write a two page essay entitled, "Who are you?" I decided that I might want to do the same. So here goes:

I care about the past, because it impacts both the present and the future. I don't think you can fully understand a person or their viewpoints unless you know their history. I tend to ask a lot of questions of people about their past because this is what enables me to relate to them.

I am flexible. I like to be in new places, meet new people, and try new things...to a certain point. However, because I am adaptable, I hate committing to things. If I make commitments, they are strong, and for the most part, I try not to make them-- I must be heavily persuaded. But once I make a commitment, I am completely reliable and loyal.

I like to read. A lot. Through my reading, I collect new information and ideas. I love ideas. I have a lot of them. This is why the library is a good place for me to work. I can collect information and ideas that I am able to pass on to others. I don't feel the need to act on any of my ideas. I simply like them because they are creative, different, or because they give me a different way of looking at the world. I love poetry because of the ideas. My favorite songs are the ones with profound lyrics. Sometimes, whether the advice is asked for or not, I will bombard you with ideas. This unsolicited advice can be annoying sometimes to other people around me, and I have had to learn to curb it, and wait for when people do ask me for advice.

I also tend to think a lot about things. I need a great deal of solitude--thinking time--in order to function with other people around. If you really want to reach out to me, or have a meaningful conversation with me, then ask me what I'm thinking, and don't let me cheat by giving you some kind of vague or superficial answer, which I will do if I don't trust you, or if I perceive you don' t really want to know, or that you don't have the time to listen. This is how I test people sometimes. Persistence will get you a real answer and show me that you really do care. The negative of all this thinking is that I live a lot in my head, and it can be a lonely place.

My faults are many. I am stubbornly independent, don't like to ask for help, don't like to take risks, and have a deeply rooted fear of failing. I am selfish, especially with my time. I toe the line between having self-confidence and being insufferably proud. And while I am self-assured in a lot of ways, I am insecure in others.

I don't really see myself as a passionate person and it took me a long time to realize that I have a passion for music. Not for playing it perfectly, but just playing, being challenged to bring it to the next level, sharing it with others, and making it something beautiful. I like orchestral music because it challenges my skill, and I get depressed when no one is able to come to a concert that I've worked really hard on. I have to be able to show people what I can really do. Orchestra is my proving ground.

Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without God's touch on my life. I am his child. He has a plan and purpose for my life. He made me who I am. If he hadn't been a part of my life, I would have a completely different set of friends, a completely different job, a different kind of education, and possibly even different passions in life.

This is the part of the essay where I really need to come up with some kind of conclusion, but I'm not feeling it today. My loyal readers may write one in the comments if they would like.