Verse - micropoem

A rhyming pattern
A rhythmic scheme
Altered, a bit
As the author deems

Each word chosen
crafted, written
edited with care
to convey its meaning

Want - micropoem

If you are wondering where are these ideas coming from, well, again, I am drawing out words from my magnetic poetry collection. Also, one more thing, I am not going to be publishing every day, per se, I may take a day off here and there. But this has already proven to be a really great writing exercise for me. So I am going to keep on doing it.

Here is today's poem:

Want
What do I really want?
What does anyone really want?
Love, Acceptance, Happiness
This is what I want to achieve.

Blue - micropoem

This one was also more difficult because I wrote a poem about "blue" once before, This is the first poem in this series that doesn't feel like it flows in quite the right way, but again, the exercise is to write something in five minutes, so here it is:

Blue
I'm dressed warmly for the cold,
hat, scarf, gloves,
I pull my jacket tighter as I walk on the sand,
The sea, a friendly blue by day,
is darker at night
than the sky filled with its moon and stars

I give my thoughts a chance to wear themselves out as I walk
or be drowned out by the ocean's thundering roar
and lost in time masked by infinite waves

Disk - micropoem

Confession: this one was really challenging. How do you write a poem using the word disk? I know this poetry isn't great, but this one is extra terrible. Haha. Thanks for enduring with me!

Disk
If the moon were a disk full of music, what would it play?
Songs about sun or earth envy? Or time & space?
Or maybe songs about division of dark & light,
Or perhaps a joyous song about dancing in the night?
Or maybe insurmountable distance between other spatial beings,
Or how it feels small in its own galaxy?

Though - micropoem

Even though I feel alone, I know that God is with me
Even though I feel weak, I know that God is strong
Even though I feel ashamed, I know that God accepts me
Even though I feel afraid, I know that God protects me

Rehearse - micropoem

Over and over again
I worry the words in my head
Rehearsing every scenario
Wondering how things will go
My thoughts, restless
Like children on a merry-go-round
They hate to stop or let go
They hold on and spin
And spin some more
Dizziness, their addiction
--I'll not have peace 'til they're gone

Measure - micropoem

Measure--
In music, a quantity of time
marked by two lines
A determined distance between them
Because of the brevity
Or perhaps in spite of it
Notes of different tones and lengths
abound in possibility

Perform - micropoem

I close my eyes
Take a deep breath
Visualize the notes
Listen in my head

I open my eyes
I breathe deeply again
I am ready
For the show to begin

Micropoems

I am embarking on a project to write poetry for at least 5 min a day. I am choosing random words from my magnetic poetry collection to inspire me. Today's word is "charm" and here is today's poem:

Charm

I wear a ring as a charm
to remind me to be bold
To be myself, to hold myself
in highest regard

To remember my compassion
my heart, my humanity
To help me love beyond myself
and reach out to those in need

Decision time.

Last week, I told myself that I would try to finish this application for a really cool program I would love to be a part of, but I'm half convinced I have no shot of getting into it. So I'm sitting here wavering. I can really see myself going either way-- fine if I don't apply, or regretful that I didn't even try... App is due next week, and I have three more short essays to finish... What should I do?

I am kind of feeling like if I'm going for it, I need to have a completed draft done by the end of my day.

Scooby Doo, where are you?

This place has always reminded me of the kind of place the gang from Scooby Doo would end up at. Notice the decrepit sign, the old roofing on the far end, and I was very proud of capturing this place with the dark stormy clouds in the backgound because it's always raining that first night wherever the Scooby Doo gang stays. This is NOT a place I would want anyone to stay, though believe it or not, it has been cleaned up just a little since I've lived in Fort Worth.

Adventuring

I have been doing a lot of living lately. I've been traveling. Went to Hawaii to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday, to West Palm Beach, Florida for a conference, and just got back from a very fun trip to Colorado.

In Colorado, I learned how to use a compass and topographical map. A good life skill, you know? I was there with a group of incoming freshmen for the university where I work. About half the group participated in the orienteering activity, also known as the "adventure race" while the other half was rock climbing. We had to find different locations based on our topographical map and see how many of them we could find in a five hour period of time.

We split up into three teams. With 30 minutes to go (and the threat of penalties if we didn't make it back in time), my team decided to try to find one more location on the map. This last location looked to be just under a quarter of a mile away and with 15 minutes to go, we found our final location. At each location we had to complete an activity, and at this point, our guide informed us that this activity in particular would take about 9 minutes. He told us that everyone needed to agree whether or not we were going to complete the activity, because once we did, we would have about 5 minutes to get back to our original starting point without penalties. What this meant was that we would all need to sprint back to that point.

We all decided to go for it. We designated our fastest runner to put the materials back where we found them and all agreed to sprint back to base camp. Now, I'm 35 and in pretty good shape, and the average age for the rest of my group was about 19. I am proud to say we all made it back with about 2 minutes to spare, completely out of breath, and proud of ourselves for going for it. Turns out that with that final activity, we won by one point! If we hadn't gone for it, there would have been a tie. I will never forget the sight of my team sprinting across that field of sage as we hustled to make our rendezvous point in time.

In addition, we set a new camp record for the most locations found!

I was reminded that sometimes the rewards are greater when we take risks. My whole team felt a sense of accomplishment and we all agreed that even if we didn't win, we had given the activity our all.

Sunset in Colorado

This is nice and all...

...but will not get you anywhere:

I'm afraid I font have a question to ask but would like to say that I do find you intresting. Just one of those things . I'm always looking for a good friend and maybe if we can be friends , I would like to hear you play. Till then have a good day.

So let me say a little more about why this won't get you anywhere...

This is another message I got from a guy on a dating site. I explicitly tell people in my profile that if you want a response from me you need to ask a question because (and I quote): Conversations start with questions and end with statements.


The message above tells me nothing. Do we have anything in common? Does he like tacos? Why does he find me interesting? I know why I think I am interesting, but please, tell me a little more... how can we be friends if he can't ask me a question to find out more about me and or whether or not we can have a conversation? This tells me that the guy likes music and wants to see me play, and I all I can think right now is "what if he's a stalker? I know nothing about him!" So no, sir, I will not be inviting you (whoever you are) to watch me play. Not happening. I will also not be responding to this message.

Friday Funday + a font

Today has been a fun day so far. I am probably going to get a new camera, it's just a point and shoot, so nothing super special, but it will replace the camera I've had since 2004. That one is literally falling apart at the seams, so right now it's being held together by a rubber band.

Then I went to lunch with some coworkers and had a great lunch. Some of us at the office are going through a wellness program, and our personal trainer stopped by to say "hi" and also give us a hard time. We had a really fun time just kind of chatting about fitness and life at the library.

Then I read this awesome blog from my friend, the domestic nerdess... We're friends in person too, and since I know she loves fonts and typefaces I asked her once what kind of font I would be. I meant it as sort of one of those silly questions, but she took the question very seriously, and finally gave me my results:

 

You can read her blog about why she chose this font for me here. So thanks domestic nerdess, I love the font you picked for me!

Facing fear through music

My 12 year old cello student had a breakdown tonight. She was frustrated and started crying. As she did, I started asking some questions and had the opportunity to hear my own fears reflected back at me. "I don't want to do this audition, what if I fail?" "It's too hard, what if I can't do it?"

I still face those exact fears or a version of them quite often. It was a strange experience to actually hear my own fears voiced exactly by a 12 year old.

I put my arms around her and asked her, "Do you like music?" "Do you really love it?" She said, "Yes." And then I told her that the last thing I wanted to do as a teacher was to steal her joy in music. I told her it would be hard sometimes. But overall, I wanted her to love it.

What I didn't say, but wanted to, was that failure is to just give up. That auditions are always scary, no matter how old you are. That the practicing can be dreary and difficult. But that its worth it in the end.

How do you teach someone who hasn't ever played music with others that sharing the music is the point? That there's also joy in learning how to play with a group, and that you can find friendship and community there?

I know from personal experience that passing an audition and getting into a group to play with others is one of the best experiences ever.

I also know from personal experience how devastating failing an audition can be. And I have failed many.

For some reason, I keep playing. I am in the process of trying to find my joy again, and learning to refute the voice in my head that tells me I am not good enough, that I will always fail...

It's not true. And that voice in my head is a big fat jerk.

Unsent - 2

Is this a conversation I should have in person? or could I just mail it in? or should I just leave it unsent / unspoken?:

I have been wanting to have a serious talk with you for a couple of weeks here, because I like you a lot. And I am pretty sure I am reading the situation correctly right now, but I am fairly certain that you just want to be friends right now. I thought I’ve seen flashes of interest in something more from you, but lately, I am pretty sure you just want a friendship with me. I get the sense that you are holding back, so I have been holding back too. I am really good at friendship, and terrible about moving forward from there. So I needed to say that just in case you were interested in something more. 

I have also wanted to share a bit about my past... 

The thing I haven’t talked much about is my relationship history. When we first started talking, I felt kind of intimidated by you because you had dated so many people. I haven’t really dated all that many. I have never had a boyfriend. I look back at prime time for dating, which is high school and college for most people, and I was going through so much crap with my family that I didn’t really have the emotional capacity to deal with any kind of other relationships. On top of that, I was tall and shy, but also knew what kind of person I was looking for, which was someone who was intelligent, kind, mature, and who also believed in God. That’s a hard combo to find in high school, and even in college. Heck, that’s kind of a hard combo to find now. 

Anyways. I just wanted to write this out, because I wanted to tell you these things. I love being your friend, and I am perfectly okay with staying in that place. And I don’t want things to get awkward because I end up liking you more than you like me. But if you think there’s a chance for something more, I need to know... even if it still might not be right away. I do want to experience being in a long-term romantic relationship with someone. And if that’s not you, then I will adjust my expectations and shift my attention a bit. I want to also thank you for not leading me on, you’ve been great that way. An upstanding gentleman if you will. So thanks for reading. 

Whatever you’ve decided, we’ll be friends either way, promise.

Dating.

I am sort of dating this guy right now who sometimes seems interested, but then most of the time acts like we're just gonna be friends. I think he's holding back so I'm holding back. I kinda want to know if he thinks we have a chance, but if I want to know, then I'm the one who is going to have to bring it up. Can't decide if I should bring it up or just sort of give up...

Updates

Things have been a bit busy for me, especially since I picked up a few more music students. I now have seven students on my roster, and I think for now, that's enough. I'm now having to figure out things like "how do I pay  my quarterly self-employment tax?" Thankfully, there's a lot of info online, and a friend of mine works for the IRS. I think I can handle it.

I recorded a few songs for some friends of mine, and both projects turned out great! I can only put up a link to one of them because the other isn't quite ready to go yet. So this recording is by Jacob Furr, and he plays guitar for me at church. I basically told him I wanted to record, and so I did. His album was just released, and you should purchase it. It's only $5, and you get to hear me play cello on one of the tracks. 

I decided to take the morning off this morning to get my piano tuned. This has been a long time coming. The tuner also fixed my pedal stand (which was unstable) and my lid (which was missing a screw) as well as my sticky keys. It sounds so much better, and now I actually want to play. I haven't played it in so long because the out-of-tuneness hurt my soul. I tried playing a bit of Beethoven today, and wow, I'm REALLY out of practice. My hands felt really stiff in terms of the stretchiness you need to play piano. Actually, I take that back. My left hand is fine (that's the one cellists use for fingering) but my right hand is very inflexible. I'm hoping to change that and/or take voice lessons, which requires the use of a piano. So yay!

Last week I had the following conversation after practice with a TCU freshman who sings in the church choir:
A: So when are we going to hang out?
Me: You mean like have lunch or dinner or something?
A: Yeah.
Me: Well, do you like to walk? We can go walking after practice. I don't live far from here...
A: Do you like, have a kitchen and everything?
Me: Yes...
A: Could we maybe make dinner & stuff?
Me: Sure... next week?
A: Yeah!
Me: What do you want to eat cause I know you're picky...
A's boyfriend: Spaghetti!
Me: Okay, I can make that, we can have some salad too, and maybe brownies and ice-cream for dessert.
A: I LOVE ice-cream! Can we actually make the brownies from scratch?
Me: Sure. I have a mixer.
A: That's totally cheating. You have to mix it by hand.
Me: No it's not. The mixer is awesome.
----------------------------------------------
Anyhow. That's how the conversation went. I had forgotten how great having food at someone's house can be when you live in a dorm, and eat in the dining hall.

So I made the sauce this morning. Had to call my mom for the recipe. I'm looking forward to this evening.

For Real?

Okay, I have been using an online dating website for awhile, and this is an actual message I got today:

u r beautiful and i just looked your tag to check if you were born in haven

This pretty much exemplifies almost everything that I hate about most of the messages I receive. First of all, this guy uses "textese," which I do acknowledge that most people use, but if you are trying to meet people, don't do that in an email, or letter. Spell things out, people. This just makes you look uneducated. Also, he uses a cliche pick-up line. I will not respond to that. Ever. Don't do that. Third, he misspells "heaven." Check your spelling. I understand typos here or there, but somehow I don't think this was one.

This message shows no effort to get to know me at all.

Don't you people read advice columns? Find something we have in common. Make a comment about it. Ask a question. Questions are the basis for most conversations you have when you are trying to get to know someone. Can't think of anything? Borrow a question from the Proust Questionnaire. There are some great conversation starters there. Seriously. Otherwise, just don't write.

I am personally looking for someone with intelligence. The person above might be intelligent, but my perception based on this message is that he's not really all that smart, or willing to get to know me.

I believe that art of conversation is dying. Let's revive it.

Thanks for reading.

/rant

Coming home

I really had a great vacation, it seemed almost too long toward the end. I was looking forward to coming back to Texas. But it is the third day I have been home, and I got really lonely. And I am sad tonight, and can't sleep. I am really going to struggle with the tiredness tomorrow.