The Music in Me

Concentrating
But not thinking
My fingers move of their own volition
My body tenses
My mind is free
The physicality of memory moves me
Outside myself, but inside
the music encompasses me

Reflections on my younger self

When I was young, I was:
an adventurer, a trail blazer,
an obstacle course builder and conqueror
a high swinger, a wave jumper, a wind runner

I was an artist, a sculptor
a creator, story-teller and performer
a composer, a believer, a dreamer

I wanted to be found.
I wanted to be a friend.
I wanted to be alive.

Relationships

I had conversations with three different women at church today just about life, relationships, and my single state... I thought it was interesting. One of them told me that I really should be open minded. One of them told me that she wished she had been more picky and careful and that I should really just take my time about making decisions about relationships.

These two statements sound contradictory, but I think they sort of go together. I need to be open minded and give people a chance, but not settle for something less than what I know I need in a significant other.

I just figure that I have been patient and picky for a long time. That's not really going to change.

Friends

I have realized that when it comes to friendship, I'm sort of like a cat. Somewhat independent, I come and go as I please, get a attached to people but I don't fret when things change. I guess I see change as sort of an inevitable thing.

I am blessed to be able to say that I do still have friends from long ago, and I love the fact that I'm now able to keep in touch with them through technology.

I'm still in touch with Sonja, whom I've known since Kindergarten, Kim and Anne, who used to live down the street from me... their mom is like my second mom...

And then I was reflecting about my college friends, and who I spent the most time with--Laurel, Ryan, Jenn, and Kristi. I do not talk to anyone all that much anymore, except for Laurel, but I just chatted with Kristi today online. I realized today that we spent a lot of time together senior year. I do not remember why. But we had a lot of fun together. Kristi got married pretty quick after college, and now has two really cute kids. I hope I get to meet them someday.

I'm really not so great at keeping in touch with people, but I think I am going to resolve to try a little harder.

Celebrate!

I *think* I am 50% done with a draft of my portfolio. Only 50% more to go!

Only I have a headache right now! And that sucks.

Psalms Project

Psalm 91

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God in whom I trust."

Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.

If you make the Most High your dwelling--
even the Lord, who is my refuge--
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

"Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

I am studying this Psalm with a group of artists from my church with the goal of creating something creative or artistic as a result of our study and meditation. I have not decided what to create yet, but I have a feeling my project will have something to do with words.

A Reflection on Psalm 91

When I read this Psalm, I actually feel like I'm sinking deep within my soul to a place of rest. I feel more centered or balanced and gain a confidence perspective of my life and the activity and people in it. Too often I flit from thing to thing, from person to person and my activity keeps me from exploring the deepness of solitude. I'm pretty good at being independent, doing things on my own, finding moments of solitude, but I do not often rest in it.

Resting in this place shows me my need for God, that I should depend on Him.

Gettin' things done -- or not

I have been sitting at the reference desk all day and avoiding my portfolio like the plague! I am going to stop procrastinating right now!

I caved...

And bought some Halloween candy. I know. It's not even October yet.

I love fall

Testing my hand at sketching. I am thinking about turning this into stationary of some kind. I wanted to add an orange stripe, but I do not have an orange pen. If the leaf looks orange, it is because I colored it using red, yellow, and brown.

What I really want...

I have had to really think about what my next steps in life will be and I feel overwhelmed by the process. I was recently asked to think about what value I find in retreating to this place of anxiety and stress. The answer I came up with is that I do not want to do whatever it is I am supposed to do. For example, I have to do my portfolio in the next two months. I do not want to do this project at all. I feel anxious about it and tend to avoid the project.

There will always be things that I must do that I do not want to do, even if it is something I like. A good example of this is practicing my cello. I do not often "feel like" practicing. But when I do, I find myself completely focused on something beyond whatever is going on in my life, and that is a healthy place for me to be.

I realized that even though I do not want to do my portfolio, I have to. I chose to do this degree and I am choosing to finish it. When I take a step back and look at what I really want, the degree becomes a small part of a bigger picture. With that in mind, I can be more relaxed about getting it done.

Hatch

History

When I was in junior high, I went to summer camp. Every morning, we got to pick some kind of skill to learn from one of the counselors. One morning, I picked juggling. We practiced throwing and catching first one ball, then two. I practiced that motion for years before I realized how to add in the third ball. So yes. I know how to juggle.

A different morning, I picked cartooning. It was so fun! It was just a basic session on how to alter things like hair, eyes, ears, noses, mouths, eyebrows... everyone had their own style too. I created this character there who was supposed to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. He was really tall and thin, had a long narrow face with tall, narrow, curly hair. He also had a mustache. Ever since, I have had sort of this latent fascination with comics. Since that conversation that I had with my physicist friend (about the vortex), I have been trying to think of other ideas for comics. It is definitely challenging.

What I'm finding is that the sketching is a great stress reliever. When I sketch, I am solely focused on the story I'm trying to tell, or the idea I'm trying to express. Plus I'm not very good at drawing. I'm not sure that I'll be able to come up with ideas consistently, but I'm gonna try to post more comics here when I think of them. Today, I drew a strip and a self-portrait. Since I don't have a scanner, they'll have to wait until I take them to get scanned somewhere. I'm having fun.

Step away from the physicist...

Actual conversation. I DO actually know what a vortex is. I just said the wrong thing.

Self-Evaluation Exercise

I recently was asked to ask ten people the following question: What shows up when I show up? What do I bring into a room?

The first three responses I had to get in the span of about ten minutes. The rest I've been gathering along the way. I pulled out the most common qualities mentioned by my friends and family:

• conversation (5)
• friendliness (3)
• calmness (2)
• comfort (2)
• deepness (2)
• home (2)
• humor (2)
• including (2)
• intelligence (2)
• peace (2)
• put others at ease (2)
• realness (2)
• safety (2)
• welcoming (2)

I actually have to figure out one more person to call.

Anxiety Dream

I dreamed last night that I got asked to babysit a small child, less than a year old. So I was watching him and it was good, but for some reason I just left. It was like I forgot I was babysitting. When I returned, the mom and her friend were (understandably) upset.

That was the basic plot. Other elements of this dream included a weird house. It was sort of like a mansion but there were all these apartment type suites inside. And when I went back to find the kid, I could not find him because the house was so big.

After I "forgot" about the kid, I left the house. Once I remembered, I had to walk up this giant hill. The whole time I'm in this dream, I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open.

I tried looking up what some of these items mean and they do sort of line up with how I'm feeling about life right now.

Babysitting = responsibility
House = life
Tiredness = physical exhaustion, boredom, monotony, or tiredness of life or a particular situation

Fear

So I had a discussion last night about fear. I definitely fear failure, and after thinking about it more today, I would have to say that I also fear being incompetent in areas where I feel that I should have competence. Because of my fears, I do not take as many risks as maybe I should. I'm realizing that about myself though, and I'm hoping that I can begin to face them down.

An update

I just finished my LAST "real" research paper. I may have to write a little more for my portfolio/thesis, but that will not be nearly as difficult. I'm starting to think a lot about the transitions in the next couple of months. I'm a little scared. I am looking forward to them, but change is always a bit frightening.

I am playing cello tomorrow night with a band that is new to me. I'm only playing two songs, but the experience so far has been really fun and positive. I'm having fun. If my job search ends with a job in San Diego, then I'll probably commit more fully to this band. They're good and I feel like their lead guy is respectful and talented. My life these days revolves around music and school.

Last week, I had to finish that research paper and this week I have two rehearsals and a performance. I've been singing at church on Sunday nights and it rocks! Plus they pay me, so technically, that makes me a professional singer! This cracks me up. I would do it for free, because I have such a good time doing it, but it is also really affirming to be paid to do music. There's no better feeling in the world than to get paid for something you love. So I'm having a good time.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Walking in SD

So I really like to walk a lot! One of my favorite places to go in San Diego is at Mission Bay. There's lots of parking and the path has mile markers to tell me how far I've gone.

Three stories for ya about walking at Mission Bay:

1. I was walking near the hotel part of the Bay and walked past a crow. I have always been fascinated by crows. Many of my favorite authors write about crows-- about their intelligence, sense of humor, and tendency for hiding shiny objects. Well, as I was walking, I watched this crow fly down and pick up this monstorous chocolate chip cookie. The crow had the whole thing. This really made me laugh.
2. One day, while walking past one of the bathrooms, I happened to look inside a vending machine. In the dispenser, there was a pigeon. Nesting. What I was thinking: Smart bird. It was out of the wind and defensible to all predators except for humans.
   
3. The last time I went to the beach, I saw a girl sort of running backwards near me. All of a sudden, I heard her yell, WATCH OUT! YOU'RE GONNA HIT THAT GIRL! I turned and looked, and sure enough, her husband or boyfriend had thrown a long spiral pass with a nerf football, and it was flying straight at me. So I reached up and knocked it out of the air. I bobbled it a little but caught it in the end. They were both impressed with my catching skills.

I love walking.

My brother's dream

My brother just called me to tell me this dream he had. It fired him up. Basically, it was about me getting picked on. He got really upset and tried to protect me.

The weird thing was that the situation was very accurate and had elements of truth. He said it was really vivid and that he thought it had actually happened. The reason why is because it really did border on reality. This situation was not very far from certain experiences and situations that I've had. I had no idea that he even noticed when these situations occur.

I thanked him for standing up for me and protecting me in his dream. He laughed.

The situation he dreamed about could actually happen in real life. And in all seriousness, if this actually happens in real life, I know that he really would stand up for me and protect me.

A new band?

I've been playing music with this guy over the last month or so. I've really enjoyed getting to know him and playing with him this summer. He is so endearing. He is really worried that I don't like it or that I'm just going to up and quit on him. This is because I haven't fully committed. I can't.

He is a big dreamer and I think he has talent. He is definitely investing in his music. I think I'm walking into this situation with a little more aloofness and skepticism than I did the last time. I also think that this guy I've been playing with is more sensitive to emotion than a lot of guys I know. He is probably sensing a bit of my aloofness. I'm also a very different kind of girl and I think he may also be having difficulty reading me. These two things alone I think would be worrisome.

He wants me to play a show in the middle of August. That's what we've been working toward. I have one song down for sure and one that's almost ready.