History

When I was in junior high, I went to summer camp. Every morning, we got to pick some kind of skill to learn from one of the counselors. One morning, I picked juggling. We practiced throwing and catching first one ball, then two. I practiced that motion for years before I realized how to add in the third ball. So yes. I know how to juggle.

A different morning, I picked cartooning. It was so fun! It was just a basic session on how to alter things like hair, eyes, ears, noses, mouths, eyebrows... everyone had their own style too. I created this character there who was supposed to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman. He was really tall and thin, had a long narrow face with tall, narrow, curly hair. He also had a mustache. Ever since, I have had sort of this latent fascination with comics. Since that conversation that I had with my physicist friend (about the vortex), I have been trying to think of other ideas for comics. It is definitely challenging.

What I'm finding is that the sketching is a great stress reliever. When I sketch, I am solely focused on the story I'm trying to tell, or the idea I'm trying to express. Plus I'm not very good at drawing. I'm not sure that I'll be able to come up with ideas consistently, but I'm gonna try to post more comics here when I think of them. Today, I drew a strip and a self-portrait. Since I don't have a scanner, they'll have to wait until I take them to get scanned somewhere. I'm having fun.

Step away from the physicist...

Actual conversation. I DO actually know what a vortex is. I just said the wrong thing.

Self-Evaluation Exercise

I recently was asked to ask ten people the following question: What shows up when I show up? What do I bring into a room?

The first three responses I had to get in the span of about ten minutes. The rest I've been gathering along the way. I pulled out the most common qualities mentioned by my friends and family:

• conversation (5)
• friendliness (3)
• calmness (2)
• comfort (2)
• deepness (2)
• home (2)
• humor (2)
• including (2)
• intelligence (2)
• peace (2)
• put others at ease (2)
• realness (2)
• safety (2)
• welcoming (2)

I actually have to figure out one more person to call.

Anxiety Dream

I dreamed last night that I got asked to babysit a small child, less than a year old. So I was watching him and it was good, but for some reason I just left. It was like I forgot I was babysitting. When I returned, the mom and her friend were (understandably) upset.

That was the basic plot. Other elements of this dream included a weird house. It was sort of like a mansion but there were all these apartment type suites inside. And when I went back to find the kid, I could not find him because the house was so big.

After I "forgot" about the kid, I left the house. Once I remembered, I had to walk up this giant hill. The whole time I'm in this dream, I was so tired I could not keep my eyes open.

I tried looking up what some of these items mean and they do sort of line up with how I'm feeling about life right now.

Babysitting = responsibility
House = life
Tiredness = physical exhaustion, boredom, monotony, or tiredness of life or a particular situation

Fear

So I had a discussion last night about fear. I definitely fear failure, and after thinking about it more today, I would have to say that I also fear being incompetent in areas where I feel that I should have competence. Because of my fears, I do not take as many risks as maybe I should. I'm realizing that about myself though, and I'm hoping that I can begin to face them down.

An update

I just finished my LAST "real" research paper. I may have to write a little more for my portfolio/thesis, but that will not be nearly as difficult. I'm starting to think a lot about the transitions in the next couple of months. I'm a little scared. I am looking forward to them, but change is always a bit frightening.

I am playing cello tomorrow night with a band that is new to me. I'm only playing two songs, but the experience so far has been really fun and positive. I'm having fun. If my job search ends with a job in San Diego, then I'll probably commit more fully to this band. They're good and I feel like their lead guy is respectful and talented. My life these days revolves around music and school.

Last week, I had to finish that research paper and this week I have two rehearsals and a performance. I've been singing at church on Sunday nights and it rocks! Plus they pay me, so technically, that makes me a professional singer! This cracks me up. I would do it for free, because I have such a good time doing it, but it is also really affirming to be paid to do music. There's no better feeling in the world than to get paid for something you love. So I'm having a good time.

Hope everyone's doing well!

Walking in SD

So I really like to walk a lot! One of my favorite places to go in San Diego is at Mission Bay. There's lots of parking and the path has mile markers to tell me how far I've gone.

Three stories for ya about walking at Mission Bay:

1. I was walking near the hotel part of the Bay and walked past a crow. I have always been fascinated by crows. Many of my favorite authors write about crows-- about their intelligence, sense of humor, and tendency for hiding shiny objects. Well, as I was walking, I watched this crow fly down and pick up this monstorous chocolate chip cookie. The crow had the whole thing. This really made me laugh.
2. One day, while walking past one of the bathrooms, I happened to look inside a vending machine. In the dispenser, there was a pigeon. Nesting. What I was thinking: Smart bird. It was out of the wind and defensible to all predators except for humans.
   
3. The last time I went to the beach, I saw a girl sort of running backwards near me. All of a sudden, I heard her yell, WATCH OUT! YOU'RE GONNA HIT THAT GIRL! I turned and looked, and sure enough, her husband or boyfriend had thrown a long spiral pass with a nerf football, and it was flying straight at me. So I reached up and knocked it out of the air. I bobbled it a little but caught it in the end. They were both impressed with my catching skills.

I love walking.

My brother's dream

My brother just called me to tell me this dream he had. It fired him up. Basically, it was about me getting picked on. He got really upset and tried to protect me.

The weird thing was that the situation was very accurate and had elements of truth. He said it was really vivid and that he thought it had actually happened. The reason why is because it really did border on reality. This situation was not very far from certain experiences and situations that I've had. I had no idea that he even noticed when these situations occur.

I thanked him for standing up for me and protecting me in his dream. He laughed.

The situation he dreamed about could actually happen in real life. And in all seriousness, if this actually happens in real life, I know that he really would stand up for me and protect me.

A new band?

I've been playing music with this guy over the last month or so. I've really enjoyed getting to know him and playing with him this summer. He is so endearing. He is really worried that I don't like it or that I'm just going to up and quit on him. This is because I haven't fully committed. I can't.

He is a big dreamer and I think he has talent. He is definitely investing in his music. I think I'm walking into this situation with a little more aloofness and skepticism than I did the last time. I also think that this guy I've been playing with is more sensitive to emotion than a lot of guys I know. He is probably sensing a bit of my aloofness. I'm also a very different kind of girl and I think he may also be having difficulty reading me. These two things alone I think would be worrisome.

He wants me to play a show in the middle of August. That's what we've been working toward. I have one song down for sure and one that's almost ready.

Inside Family Joke

When my sister was five or so, my parents gave her a scooter. Her reaction upon seeing the scooter was excitement, but the first thing she said was, "no pom-poms!" We have her reaction on a family video and "No pom-poms!" has become a recurring family phrase.

She recently got engaged and will be getting married next year to a great guy. So I made her this cartoon and gave it to her as a card. This is a rendering of *almost* the same drawing on a post-it:

Simple Autumn: Visualization

Here's a pretty cool visualization of a song I wrote. I used wordle.

Portfolio

I've started to think about my final portfolio and what platform I want to use to publish it, whether that be the repository my school owns or some other kind of software. So I've been playing around with various platforms, and I was very excited to discover that Wordpress will allow me to basically create a free website that does what I need it to do. If I pay a little extra, I could upload mp3 and movie files (for screencasts).

This is awesome. You can look at my other site here. My portfolio is currently password protected, mostly because I don't really have anything up yet. All the pages are blank.

I have a friend who is a graphic designer, and I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to create a logo and/or banner for my site. Sweet!

Affirmation

I got to sing at my favorite church service on Sunday. I cannot express how affirming it is to just be up there and be a part of the music. I really enjoyed it--the band was rockin'!!! We all got some great compliments from the congregation. It really helped me start the week with a great attitude.

Job Update

I found out last week that the job in Mississippi is now unavailable. The person who had the job decided to stay. So I will probably not be moving to Mississippi anytime soon.

However. I did just get an interview for a library here in San Diego. I'm nervous. This feels too soon and I'm not sure that it is exactly the kind of position I want. I do not fully trust my decision making skills.

I gotta say though, one interview out of four applications is a decent response rate. That means my cover letter and resume were strong enough and that I'm applying for the right kinds of positions.

More job hunting

At my conference last week, I was asked to be on a panel after the opening keynote speaker. It was a great opportunity to let people know that I was graduating with my MLIS in December...check that... finishing my coursework in December (I'll be graduating in May). As a result, I had one or two people introduce themselves and ask me if I would be interested in applying at their institutions. One of them was a catalog position, and I don't think I would be very good at that.

As a result of being on this panel, I also made friends with a library director who was on the panel with me. We really hit it off, and after the conference was over, she sent me an email to let me know that her circulation librarian had just quit and wanted to see if I would be interested in applying for it. I told her to send me the job description. The college sounds really neat. It is in Mississippi. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

I currently have three applications out there. Two are for libraries in San Diego, and one is at a library in Idaho. I was looking at another job in Texas today, where I also think I would do well, and that position starts on September 1, but is negotiable...

In my mind, I'm applying for a bunch of different positions, and I am not really expecting that I will get any of these first ones that I apply for. The last time I went through the job hunting and application process, I felt like it took a month or two for me to really hone my application skills and write killer cover letters. So if I did happen to get a "bite" on one of my applications, and someone wanted to hire me, I feel like things would happen much more quickly than I expected them to.

I really want to see the job description for the job in Mississippi. I think I would have a good shot at getting that one because I already know the director. I definitely need wisdom on this decision because that would be a big change!

Music

At the last show I did with my former band, I met a guy who was vitally interested in talking with me about playing cello for him. He emailed me last week and we met up after work yesterday to just talk about music. It was really good and somewhat affirming.

Hard Drive

I was trying to do some laundry on Saturday and as I went to pick up my laundry basket from beside my bed, I tweaked my back and managed to pull my computer off of my desk. So I literally crashed my hard drive.

It was pretty upsetting and the first thing I did was call my computer geek friend to see what could be done. The answer was, "nothing, I think you're gonna have to take it in."

I took it to Best Buy, where they told me that my data was irretrievable. But then I went to a barbecue, where there were a bunch of computer geeks. One of them thought he might be able to retrieve my data. So I picked up my hard drive from Best Buy and gave it over. I still haven't heard the results.

The good news is that there is now a new hard drive in my computer and it was covered under my extended warranty, so I don't have to pay anything. The bad news is that I can't get it back until I return the original hard drive.

In other good news, I found the data for my Master's degree that I thought I had lost on one of my flash drives. I didn't think I had backed-up my classwork, but I did. I'm relieved. Still sad about all the other stuff, like journal entries, pictures, and my music. So it would be fantastic if I could get my data back, but because I have the most important stuff on my flash, I'm better off than I thought I was.

My celebrity crush

I don't have one currently. I only have crushes on actual people, and not that often. I feel like the term "crush" implies some kind of obsession, which is not a very healthy thing to have. I know this was supposed to be a funny sort of question, but I really don't have an answer.

Moving on...

At church on Sunday, I listened to two sermons... one about envy versus jealousy, and one on anxiety. I did not realize that there is a difference between envy and jealousy, but there is. Envy is wanting something that someone else has. Jealousy is wanting to protect or guard what you think is yours by right.

I realized that much of my current frustrations with my life arise out of envy. I am envious of what others have and as a result, I am not content with my life. I want a better job. I want a new car. I want to be free of debt.

There was a moment last week where I thought to myself, "All my striving is pointless." I realized how surreal life can be when I stop to think about the futility of all my activity.

When I am anxious, the worry shows me that I often care more about these things than about God and his plan for me.

I was convicted. I was reminded to be thankful.

Sunday was a good day. I had a real conversation with a new girl at church. I was paid to play cello at a fun party. I got to go to church in the evening. I have a friend who walked with me late at night when I needed to walk off my anxiety. We had an honest conversation about life. He told me to call if I need to talk this week and I know that he means it.

I had two people tell me last week that they think God is preparing me for something great. I was not ready to listen yet.

But now, the pain I'm feeling from the difficulties I faced last month is fading and I'm ready to let it go. I'm ready to move on with my life.

Miscommunication

I'm having a rough week. After getting dropped by my band, I get a call from my dad who is upset because he didn't know I was going to New York for my cousin's wedding. After talking it over with everyone, I figured out that there were a lot of assumptions being made by everyone involved. Frankly, it just slipped my mind to let my parents know that I would be there. I'm really frustrated with everything in my life right now.

I want to make music so badly, and I'm feeling adrift. I have nowhere to play. I keep working to promote my instrument and then subsequently work myself out of positions. I started playing cello at this rad church last summer, but because of my schedule during the year, I had to drop that band. They liked the cello so much that they hired a full-time cellist. So I won't get to play with them this summer. Ironic.

I'm playing at a talent show this weekend. I'm playing the Prelude from Bach Unaccompanied Cello Suite #2. Bach wrote six suites for the cello, and every cellist learns them. Each suite has six movements, so there are 36 movements total.

I've always said that good cellists are always slightly depressed. I was debating between the Prelude from Suite 2, and a Gigue, which is a dance, and by nature is happier and a little more showy. I decided to play the Prelude instead because I have never performed it-- will probably never again have the opportunity to perform it because it is a sad piece. However, I think it is my favorite Prelude.

I should be able to play it well as it reflects my current state of mind at the moment.