How I'm feeling

I've been struggling a bit with loneliness lately. It is a common struggle for me, even when I am surrounded by people I know. I live really far away from my family, and I think this time, I'm just feeling a little homesick. My sisters all hung out last weekend and I'm sad I didn't get to go with them.

I do feel that I'm making an effort here, since I know I'm lonely, I've been trying to call a few old friends, and trying to set up times to be with some friends here. These feelings ebb and flow, and I wish I felt less reserved about just going out on my own and trying to meet more people. I'm so intimidated by that experience most of the time.

Most people are really surprised when I tell them that I'm shy, or introverted, because they see that I'm really good at talking to people I don't know. However, I need an introduction, or a commonality (for example, it's easier for me to talk to someone I don't know in my symphony because we have music in common).

Most people also tell me that I seem busy. And I am. I have a full-time job, and teach 3 cello lessons during the week, as well as play music at church on Sundays. But I do try to make time for friends. I miss having a regular activity, like frisbee, on Saturday mornings. The weather in TX is not conducive to frisbee. I need some ideas about how to meet people that isn't "go to a bar."

Chair races

Most of my coworkers were gone today. There were only two of seven of us working in my area, which is how it feels when I'm working a Saturday. So my coworker and I (based on a suggestion from another coworker who works in a different area) decided to do a chair race loop. She pushed me in a chair around the "desk island" in our work area. As she was wheeling me back into my office, our boss came around the corner. Oh man. We totally got caught. Not that there will be repercussions...

Canoeing

I have been wanting to get out on some water since I moved to Texas. It FINALLY happened yesterday. A friend of mine invited me to come along with some of the history graduate students from TCU (which is where I work), Well, it was a lot of fun. It was a perfect day, and it took us about 7 hours to make our way 10 miles down the river.

As we got toward the end, I noticed a baggie floating in the river with this white tube of what looked like sunscreen in it. My first thought was that some one had just trashed it in the river, so I wanted to try and grab it and get it out of the river. But it was too far away to be an easy grab. I would have had to get out of the boat to get it. So I let it go.

When we got to our pick-up location (we had rented the boats, and the rental place had a shuttle service) one of the guys who drove us realized that his car key was missing. He was really mad at himself and the situation, though the rest of us were really calm. As he was describing where the key was and what it was with, I realized that the baggie I saw floating in the river was the one with his car key in it.

I am kind of sad I did not pick up that bag now. I could have been a hero.

But we did figure things out and it turned out to not be a super big deal. We were able to get into the car and home eventually.

Gossip

Just found out that someone has been sort of talking about me to people at work, in a "not sure how this will affect my reputation" kind of way. I'm really disappointed. Especially since I do not talk to most people about what goes on in my life outside of work because I hate gossip. I just sent this person an email, so we'll see what happens. Could get ugly. :(

Honesty

I just had one of those moments where I was journaling about my life at this point of time and had this internal battle with myself about writing some things down. It was difficult to do so because when I commit things to paper, it's like saying them out loud, and suddenly what I write becomes instantly more real, tangible, and sometimes scary. The reason for the scariness is due to the base honesty of these moments where I get real with myself, either about the things about myself that I wish I could leave unacknowledged or about the things that I really want in life that I have trouble admitting even to myself. Either way, these journal entries allow me to be more honest with myself and speak to my need for change.

Navigation fail

I hate Dallas. I really do. It seems like so few of the streets follow any kind of grid. Also, I tend to forget steps when I am writing down directions. Which ultimately led tonight to me being potentially an hour late to a wedding, if I could have found it. I just gave up, turned around and went home, and I feel really stupid for not being able to figure it out.

Snacky

Do you ever just feel "snacky"? I, by no means, need to be eating anything right now. I am not even hungry. I just feel like I need to chew on something. Don't suggest gum either, I don't like it and it gives me anxiety dreams-- dreams about how my teeth will stick together because I can't get the gum out of them.

Which brings me to another random story, wherein I was eating lunch with two of my friends today, and we were talking about dreams about losing your teeth-- totally random dream, apparently a really common one, because all three of us had at least one of those. The last time I dreamed about that was a few weeks ago, and I was truly convinced that my fake tooth had broken (or something) and had gone missing. I could feel my gum line where it had been.

And no, I was not chewing gum in this dream.

Advice Follow up...

After thinking about my date last Friday, I realized I needed to fully trust my intuition (which I have been told that mine is particularly reliable by others) and tell this guy I wasn't really interested. I felt like a jerk. No one likes being rejected, and for me, both sides of it are difficult-- the rejection or rejecting. I know I made a good decision, and there will be less hurt and anxiety later down the road for both of us (probably).

This experience, combined with the icky-ness of my string quartet audition experience and subsequent resignation has made this a really difficult week for me. I am feeling a little down on life and feeling extra anxious tonight.

I am really glad I rode my bike today a bit longer than usual. I am delayed in my bedtime, but I am hoping I will be able to sleep when I eventually get there.

I need advice...

I actually went on a date tonight with a guy I didn't know very well. I have been sick most of the week, and I did not feel very well on the date either, but hated to stand him up. We were able to have a decent conversation, but he didn't "knock my socks off." I always wonder in these situations how long of a chance should I give it? Another date or two? Should I just trust my intuition and call it off now? Would things have gone better for me if I hadn't felt sick?

I just really hate hurting people's feelings. And yet, there are also people in my life that grew on me over time, which is why we are all friends now.

February...

...where did you go?

I celebrated my birthday this month... finally got a coffee table which is now the only eating surface in my apartment (thanks dad!)

This has probably been one of the most challenging months in my life. I have been trying to increase the amount of income I earn as a musician, so I wrote to a string quartet in town and was invited to try out. I had two really horrible experiences trying to play with them, and it was really hard. The group stressed me out, mostly because they are perfectionists, and I am not. I also sort of feel like I am not really good enough, and I am trying not to let this experience contribute to that.

I was also given the opportunity to lead worship at my church, which is a much better use of my talent, and which is definitely something I would rather be doing. I am so glad I got this gig, it will feed my soul, and keep me from dwelling on how I feel like I failed somehow as a musician at the professional level.

I am trying to remind myself that I have had lots of other successes, and that not every group is going to be the right fit. Someday, I will find an amazing group to be a part of, perhaps my church band will become that, and I am really looking forward to that day.

Leading...

I subscribe to quite a few blogs. One of them is one by Donald Miller, who wrote Blue Like Jazz (which is a very good read!). I don't often read all the articles in my inbox, I usually just scan headlines and read the articles that look the most interesting. Miller's topic today was Lead by being yourself. That headline was all I read, but it was a good reminder for me today.

I'm taking over leadership responsibilities of the music team at my church, and I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. I know I can do a great job leading people into a worship experience, but my weakness is that I'm not a very good guitar player. I am worried that it will be distracting when I mess up, and that I won't be able to play the songs well enough (which is kind of a lame thought since I should be able to play them fine with a little practice).

Miller's tiny headline reminded me that I really don't have to be the best guitar player. All I have to do is be myself--someone who has had a lot of experience both leading and following in various musical performance groups, someone who's willing to learn, listen, and practice. I've been comparing myself to all the really good guitarists I know, and I'll never be that good of a guitar player. But who I am is a leader and musician. I'm grateful I even have this opportunity to lead worship mostly because I realized that I started learning guitar 13 years ago with that dream in mind.

If you read this and you know me, please keep me in your prayers as I transition into this leadership position at my church, that I would continue to remember that I should lead by being myself.

Goals 2011

I've learned a lot about setting goals in the last two years. It has been a pretty amazing experience. I have learned that goals that seem impossible really aren't if I set smaller goals that will help get me there.

Up to this point in my life, I did not like setting goals. This is due to a fear of failure. If I never set goals, I'll never fail! Go me! However, if I don't set goals, I have found that I won't be able to accomplish any of the things I want to accomplish in my life, and that's a bummer.

Prior to moving to Texas, I had been earning about $200 a month extra through music jobs. Because I am a skeptic, $500 extra income per month seemed impossible to me. However, I did some advertising here in Texas, signed up with an online music lesson company as a teacher, and slowly began to pick up students and gigs. I started making between $300 and $500 per month last year and I was surprised when I met my income goal!

Based on that experience, I decided to set what I think is a tough but rewarding goal for myself this year. One that seems big and impossible. So I decided to set a goal of making at least $1000 in extra income through music in at least one month this year. From my $200 perspective two years ago, $1000 seemed like $1,000,000. From my $500 perspective, it seems challenging but achievable. It will require about 12-15 hours per week in either traveling, teaching, or performing.

As of December 2010, I had three music students, and some paying gigs here and there. Each student is worth about $100 per month. The gigs vary in pay.

Right after I set this goal of earning $1000 in extra income through music, about  three days later (not kidding), I got a call from the music director at my church who let me know that our praise team leader had resigned. The director said that they would like me to consider taking his position, which is paid. I said I would think about it, and I've decided to take it over. This job pays $300 per month.

Then, I got a few leads on some new students from the online music company. Looks like I'll be teaching both of them! That means an extra $200 per month. When I crunch my numbers, if I teach every student four times each month, and earn a $300 salary per month as the praise team leader at church, I'll be earning $940 per month!!!

I realize that it will require work on my part, but no one has ever said that success comes easily. I really do think you have to work towards it. Well, unless you have really large trust fund. Which I don't.

I am very excited about the possibility of actually achieving this goal this year, and I'm surprised (again) at how possible the impossible has become.

Urban Leaves on Sixth St

This was in San Diego. This photo might be a framer...

A month later

I was teaching one of my cello students the other day, and one of the things I noticed and wanted to correct was his posture. He was playing with his shoulders  rounded, and both elbows were tucked into his side. It gave the impression that he was huddled around the instrument. The resulting sound while he was playing this way, if you can imagine, was one that sounded pinched, closed off, weak, and scratchy. My advice to him was to open up his posture a little. Sit with the shoulders back, play with both elbows out (so that the wrist and elbows line up... it is a stronger position) and use more bow, meaning apply more pressure of the bow to the string and/or pull the bow faster. After he started playing like that, the sound was much broader, stronger and more open.

I started thinking about the way I have been living life lately, and it is sort of like the closed version above. But when I live like that, my song is sort of pinched, and I feel like something is missing. I am going to take my own advice. Open up a little more, and let my life sing a little louder. Hopefully a happy song.

Musical Dreams

I suppose that one of the dreams I entertain that seems rather impossible to attain is the one in which I get to jam out on cello with musicians from my favorite bands. You know, the ones who have multiple albums and national or world recognition. I would love to have those people in my living room and make music with them.

Well, I sort of had a taste of that last weekend. I went to a retreat and brought my cello because I needed to practice Dvorak's 6th Symphony for the orchestra I'm in. It is a challenging piece, but one I know I can learn well before I have to perform it.

The speaker at this retreat turned out to be THAT kind of musician. We got to play together, just the two of us, on a little deck overlooking a very scenic area of the camp.

Before we started playing, David said to me, "Look at our audience." He pointed to a group of butterflies hanging out in the flowers in front of our stage.

We just played together and then David asked if I would play with him that night at his concert. I said "yes" of course.

As many artists do, I have this complex about being "good enough." I rarely feel like I am. I am constantly comparing myself to other talented musicians. There are so many out there who are more talented than I am, and I can get down on myself for not practicing enough, or having perfect technique, or for not having perfect intonation.

It was a wonderfully affirming experience to play with David for the love of music. We both felt enriched and encouraged for having made music together.

In the end, I think that's what my dream is about-- just playing music for the love of it and feeling affirmed by other talented musicians.

Reading List

Don't just ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. --Howard Thurman

The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. --Frederick Buechner

"Little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Alive." --Calvin Miller, The Singer

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A bunch of topics in my life have come together and have informed each other, so to speak. Most of the thinking I've been doing has been in regards to the quotes above. The reading I've done lately also speaks to these topics. I'm just going to give you a short list of books I've read in the last two months that have really made me think about my life-- living authentically, purpose, and change.

Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson
The Singer by Calvin Miller (this one I reread often!)
Soul of a Citizen : Living with Conviction in a Cynical Time by Paul Loeb
Gospel according to Starbucks by Leonard Sweet

I do a lot of reading. If you were to ask me what I'm reading, I always have something. I reread favorites every night before I sleep (but usually ones that aren't that thought provoking...haha) and since I work in a library, I'm always running into interesting books. I don't usually make book lists because my list is constantly changing. I read very quickly, and so what's on my list today probably won't be there in a week. Reading is something I love to do.

So. Perhaps more to come on the topic of authenticity. If you've read any of these books, I'd be interested to hear what you think.

Creativity

You know, when I truly feel at peace with myself, that's when I am the most creative. The ideas just flow, and I experience this sense of awe and wonder at the world we live in. It makes me feel whimsical and playful. I don't often feel this way, but it has been happening more lately. I need to remember to continue to give myself the freedom to create without constraint, without fear or judgment and really let myself enjoy the process. It might be a weekend for creating, if I choose to make the time.

Be generous

Last Sunday, I visited a friend's church. I really enjoyed the service. At the end of it, I was given $20 from one of the elders there and was told to "be generous." I have no idea how I want to give this money away. What would you do? The only parameters are to "be generous."

What I learned at Frog Camp

I had the privilege of attending frog camp this year... the freshman orientation camp at TCU as a staff facilitator. It was a meaningful time for the incoming freshmen. But they aren't the only ones that got to take something away...

I was reminded that it's still important to take time out to be silly and laugh, a lot-- to play in the pool, ride on the water slides, play foosball and run through sprinklers.

I was reminded that it's never too late to see each day as an opportunity to connect with people, to value them, and to listen.

I was reminded that the only regrets I will continue to have are when I refuse to take action toward the changes I want to see in my life or the goals I want to accomplish.

I am really looking forward to the new academic year.

With or without words?