Vacation

I finally got a vacation, and I'm so relieved. I really needed a break, even if this one was attached to a business trip. Vacation helps me gain perspective, and I'm so glad this one came with the hospitality of a good friend. It is refreshing to my soul to be able to experience her hospitality and a listening ear. Thanks Laurel!

Still confused about life and what I should do next, but it has helped to know that I am not alone and that people are praying for me.

Conversations - 8

"Um, hi, I need to reactivate my account," I said to the staff guy at the YMCA, slightly embarassed. They have this system there that keeps track of how many reps and weights you're supposed to lift.

"Okay, no problem..." He says. "How long has it been since you've been here?"

"Three months," I replied, "I got sick, then injured, and then I just got lazy."

"Well," He says, "at least you're back."

"Yeah, thanks, summer's a good time for me to get back into it," I said.
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I'm feeling pretty motivated. I realized that my summer is going to be pretty boring, and all the extra stuff I've been doing ended with the school year, so now I have all this extra free time, and no one to hang out with. So I figure I'll just hit the gym as hard as I can this summer. I want to see what kind of a difference it makes in my attitude and physique.

Thoughts of the weekend

What a crazy weekend! My mother had jaw surgery last Thursday, and had complications. We had to call 911 at 3am and the fire dept. showed up. I'm thankful that she's doing a lot better today. I was a little scared.

Today is my last Sunday working until the fall. I'm thankful for that as well. I will finally get to spend more time with friends from church after the service.

I also picked up my new glasses. Interesting. I can only sometimes tell that they make a difference. Like now. My eyes have been tired all day. I think it is linked to the general fatigue I feel as a result of the stressful weekend. It was not relaxing at all.

I just have to say that I hate it that my step-mom has to argue or dispute everything I say. This bothers me. Remind me not to marry someone who always has to be right.

I really think I need a vacation, but I don't know where I should go. I want to go to London to see my sister and a friend of mine who lives there, but that would not be a restful vacation. The time difference would kill me. I'm thinking about now maybe trying to attach the trip to an extra vacation.

I saw my dad this weekend also and we chatted. Everytime he asks me how I'm doing I don't know what to tell him. Life is the same, there's not anything exciting going on, but I'm a little frustrated because I have some decisions to make and don't know what to do. But I don't feel like I can say this to my dad.

I am sliding into a depression I think. Not clinical or anything, but I think I'm prone to it. This is interesting because I don't want to be depressed. But I don't know what I can do to snap out of it. I feel very alone right now.

I'm glad I at least get to take a small break next weekend. I am visiting Laurel, and it will be good.

Summer's Dread

I cannot believe that it is May already. I'm dreading the summer. It will be boring and I will live from break to break at my job.

So my friends ended up coming over for dinner last night, and it was fun, but we didn't get to talk all that much. It made me a little sad.

I just realized that I haven't posted any dialogs lately. That's because I haven't had any interesting conversations in awhile.

I did recently run into a coworker at Costco the other day when I was getting my new glasses, and she laughed when I told her that I had to get them. She said something like, "you have to get glasses? And you work in the library? Now all you have to do is put your hair in a bun...mwa ha ha ha!" (That was an evil laugh reference...).

She was stereotyping. However, I am not a librarian. And I don't know if I ever will be. Then again, my life and its detours never cease to amaze me.

Almost...

Sometimes I have these days where it starts out not so good, and then gets worse. Today was almost one of those days... I just failed a French test, and then one of my friends called me and told me she wasn't going to be able to come to dinner tonight, and then changed her mind. I was upset because I already bought the food, and if I wasn't having people over for dinner, it would all go bad.

Again with the life

I feel like I need a vacation. I'm feeling like I need to do something more with my life and I'm having trouble making a decision.

Should I go to library school?
Find a job in student affairs, which is my actual field?
Start a doctorate?

I would feel horrible if I quit my current job because I like it so much, but I really need more money. Which is why I would consider library school. However, I have never experienced (really) a job in SA (student affairs). It is unlikely that there will be any positions available here in SD and if I did try to find a new job, I would likely do another nation-wide search. I cannot count on finding a job in the area, and it is very expensive. I would love to be able to live outside of CA and experience something new, where I could afford to buy a house and get a dog. But I have no money.

On top of all this, I am experiencing a season of introversion, and have been avoiding my friends so I don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to about all these things that I'm thinking about and combined with the boredom that summer will bring, this is not going to be a very fun time of life for me.

Irritating

So last night was supposed to be a fun night for two of my friends with birthdays this month. It turned out to be more stressful than relaxing because as we sent the bill around, it came back to us and we were $120.00 short. So then we asked everyone to look at it again. We were at a salsa bar. I don't know how to salsa all that well and because of the crazy bill fiasco, I missed the lesson and ended up paying an extra $7.00 to cover what wasn't paid. A friend of mine found out and gave me $5.00 back which ended up being a good thing cause I needed money to pay for parking. I parked in a garage that had a $3.00 flat rate. Then as I was getting into my car, my parking stub fell between my dashboard and the windshield. I couldn't get it out. I figured this was probably a common occurance, but it still made me mad, and then I headed to the exit. We retrieved my ticket, but in the confusion of being unable to retrieve the parking stub in the first place, I think I dropped my $5.00. So I didn't have the money to pay for parking. I felt like an idiot as I had to pull away from the gate to park and scrounge around for change. I barely had enough, and I was so frustrated. At least the parking garage people will never remember me.

Disconnected Thoughts

My brother signed with the Dallas Cowboys. I'm so excited for him. Now he just has to make the team. It sounds probable.

I went to the eye-doctor yesterday. Turns out I may need reading glasses. I sort of noticed that my music kept getting blurrier at the end of each rehearsal.

I'm taking my sister to help pick them out if I do.

I Love Community

I love the fact that I can now go to church and hang out for lunch after. Today I conspired to get everyone to go to In-N-Out. It was a hit. I love being able to spend time with the people at church. As I left to leave for work today I said, "Goodbye my church family."

I am starting to get to know the "elders" of my church... the older, the wiser, the young families with kids... I have really missed being a part of the diversity of the church.

Ministry

I have been living in the last week in this fog of half-awakeness. My eyes are tired, probably from reading little black music notes, staring at the computer screen too long, sinus pressure, and not enough sleep.

I used to have these dreams as a child where I could only see the bottoms of things because my eyes wouldn't open all the way. I could only see out the smallest slit of my eyelids. I saw a giraffe that way, and it was just four spotted legs. At least I knew they were legs.

Good question this week from a discussion group I'm in... How do I minister to others?

Well, I have two ministries I think, one formal and one informal. The formal ministry is through my music, and I have no idea of the impact that has on other people. I also use music to help kids have fun at church, to teach them God's Truth. I really don't know that this has an impact. I suppose we'll know what kind of impact we will have once they hit jr. high or high school age... will they hold on to the Truth they have been taught? Or will they turn away? Only God knows.

My informal ministry is to my friends and family. I really try to encourage people as much as possible, affirm their strengths and gifts, and help them to move beyond their guilt when they feel guilty. I try to remind people when they feel like they've made mistakes that God still loves them, they are forgiven, and that I don't think less of them for their failures. In fact, I usually want to still be their friends.

I'm also starting to get to know the two high schoolers in our church. Both girls, and they are so fun. I'm trying to talk them and their parents into going to Mexico for a short-term mission trip.
I may have even succeeded.

I always like spending time with kids. I was such a serious child after my parents split, and I grew up very quickly. I still don't think I'm a kid person, couldn't imagine having children, and I think if I do ever get to that point, I'll probably adopt. But kids tend to gravitate to me. I don't know why except that I usually take them seriously.

I had a whole conversation with a five year old boy once at the coffee shop while his mom hung out with her friends. He just wanted someone to talk to.

Maybe my ministry is that of a listener. I don't know.

Community Bowling

Went out with the community group last night for dinner and bowling. Since our leader is Hawaiian, we had Hawaiian barbeque. It was so much fun cause there were a bunch of us, and we hadn't all been together in awhile. Three of our group were traveling, and that's a lot when all three are so consistant.

At dinner, one of the guys put his arm around my shoulders for awhile in a gesture of brotherly love. Its nice to know that he missed me. It was a comforting feeling. It makes me glad that I have a friend like him.

Everyone went bowling, but I refused to bowl. One of the girls scored a turkey!!! It was awesome!!! One of the guys was also a great bowler. Who knew that we had such depth of talent in my community group?

Magnetic Poetry - 2

What happens when my boss plays with the magnetic poetry in my office:

Robyn Is cacophony

Writing is like Prayer

Went to two lectures yesterday given by Lauren Winner, author of a memoir called Girl Meets God and in one of them, she compared writing to prayer.

This probably only makes sense to those of us who write because writing requires discipline. Most of the time, it is very challenging to try and write something profound, meaningful, or simply express your thoughts on a subject articulately.

I think it is equally challenging to pray profoundly and articulately.

I can remember so many times in college when I was trying to write a paper just sitting in front of the computer, waiting for the words to come. The more pressure I was under, the more difficult it was to get the words out.

There's a lesson to be learned here perhaps about waiting on God...

Lauren Winner commented that when we pray, we talk more than we listen.

I think that's true. For me, it is hard to listen when I feel like I don't hear from God, so I fill the silence with sound, and the quiet with His Word instead... maybe that's how we hear from God.

I struggle more than I admit with God's will for my life. Sometimes I wish he would take out ads on billboards.

Prayer is a discipline I should practice more, and it seems to be one of those things that people talk about but fail to do. That's true for me.

As I practice the discipline of prayer, perhaps God's will for my life will become more clear.

And here's a weird thing: The more I write, the more I pray... I can tell when I'm spiritually dry because in those times, I just don't feel like I have anything to write. Writing helps me to observe and reflect, and leads me to prayer.

One discipline leads to the other.

The Surreal Life

I woke up so tired this morning that life felt surreal. And for a second, I believed that I was living a fake life.

Does this happen to other people?

Does this mean I'm living a lie? I don't think so but I wish I had more time today to reflect on whether there is any truth to this fleeting thought I had when I woke up this morning--to think about how I could be living my life differently or how it could be more real.

On a completely different note...

I met a really cool guy who likes to study at the library on Sundays. He's working on an M.Div. from APU, and I have started to look forward to seeing him when he comes in. Yesterday, I was excited because I thought I would see him, and when he didn't come in, I was disappointed. As I was getting ready to leave, he showed up and chatted for awhile about his interesting life...

I really hope that he sticks around. I want to be his friend.

Sundays are a long and lonely day for me to work. I do nothing but sit at a desk. Sometimes, I get to answer interesting questions, but most of the time, it is quite quiet. I appreciate the solitude, but I miss the companionship of sharing breaks with my coworkers.

Sundays seem less lonely when this guy comes around.

Full Circle

Had a great time at the Jars concert last night, they had no bass player, and no drummer, so it was an all acoustic set.

Tammy came with me to the concert (as did my sister and another friend of mine) because her friend's brother-in-law was opening. Found out later that this was the same guy that we met at camp in 1996 when he was touring the camp scene. Tammy and I both bought his CD back then, and turns out that my family has actually heard of him. So it was cool to see him up on stage. Not only that, but the crowd actually knew his songs.

Comfort Music

I'm going to see one of my all-time favorite Christian bands tomorrow night...jars of clay. As I was reflecting on this show, I was remembering the last time I saw them in concert. My brother invited me to go because he knew I liked them a lot and they were playing at Pepperdine, where he went to school.

Prior to this concert, I had one of the most memorable and upsetting conversations I've ever had with my dad. It was awful. I came away from that experience convinced that my dad and I would never understand each other.

That concert was so good, and although I don't remember all the songs they played, I remember being able to talk to my brother about what had happened and being comforted by him. I also remember feeling that there was comfort in the music that was being played.

I find that in some of my worst times, God has comforted me through music.

Luke 6:37-42

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back." He also told them a parable: "Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully qualified will be like the teacher. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, "Friend, let me take out the speck in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye. (NRSV)

We talked a bit at Bible Study last night about the difference between holding someone accountable and judging them. It is hard to withold judgment, and forgive as God forgives, but it is what we are called to do. I think I judge more than I think I do. Yet at the same time we are to hold each other accountable. When does accountability become judgement? In our discussion I think we decided that the difference is love, even though accountability can sometimes feel like judgement. Whenever we are held accountable for sin, we get immediately defensive.

In my personal experience, I will listen, get angry, think about what the person is saying, and then evaluate their words to my behavior. Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I don't.

The Bible doesn't say "Never point out the speck," but implies we can after some self-examination. The log is our own pride and self-righteousness. It can blind us. And how can you even see a speck if you're blinded by the plank? The balance between holding people accountable and allowing them grace is tricky to maintain.

More on Art

If you stepped back for a moment and took a look at the work of art you have created with your life, what would it look like? Are the lines still forming or can you begin to envision what the entire picture is going to look like? Think of it as the masterpiece that you will present before God once you die. What will it look like? And how do you think God would judge the quality of your work? Is it a masterpiece fit for a museum? A Sunday morning comic?

What a great series of questions on the topic of Christianity and art.

If my life looked like a painting, I think it would be a bit abstract, with subtle color differeneces. I think the eyes would be somehow drawn to the center and there would be lines, but they would be disconnected from each other.

I feel pulled in so many different directions, and I have never really followed through on what I really want to do with my life. I have a lot of different interests and a fear of failure, so I don't take very many risks in terms of job stability or relationships. I feel that I have a strong center in my relationship with God, but since I'm boring (from a lack of taking risks) I think the color would be sort of boring. However, the color could imply ambiguousness in the sense that although I'm not an ambiguous person, maybe the color would hint at the depth of my soul or something.

I think the lines are still forming in my life and I have no idea what the final picture would look like. I would hope that one day I would look at my life and considerate a masterpiece, but at this point, I don't see it. My life just sort of looks boring and disconnected.

Waiting on God for direction can sometimes take a long time.

Define Art

I am trying to meditate, fast, and pray on Fridays as a ministry to Ryan, a friend of mine who is a missionary in Africa. He asked a small group of friends and family members to do this with him. Every Friday, someone writes a guide for us to study regarding a people group, idea or ministry.

This weeks guide was written by Ryan's older brother, and it was an exploration of the definition of art and exploring art in the context of Christianity. This is a subject I hold near and dear to my heart.

I love to create and feel that the best art I've created has been the result of the gift of inspiration. It is hard for me to create without inspiration, and all my best work has come in flurries when inspiration strikes, which is not often.

There is something also to be said for being disciplined in the arts. As a musician, the less I practice, the more technique I lose. It takes work to make the music sound beautiful, and not like it is difficult to play.

I also know that when I do not create, I become static and depressed. I find that for me, a creative outlet is necessary for me to stay sane. There was a time in my life that I did not create. I went through a complete dry spell. Then I realized that I needed an outlet and started creating again.

I believe that art is a search for meaning...a search for Truth. There is always suffering, pain, and evil that you encounter on the journey. These things are as true as the end result. Is there beauty in suffering? Maybe not in the physical act, but maybe in the way it refines us... and suffering is common to the human existance. We can all relate to it.

Much art is created out of suffering and despair. Sometimes the creative process in these times gives us release, and perhaps a chance to hope a little that things will be better one day. This kind of art reminds me from whence I came and where I want to be sometime in the future, even if that future is simply the next minute I breathe.

Three things

Three things tonight...

1. I alternate between being very grateful for where I am in life and yet feeling like I should be doing something more... Like there's more to life than how I'm living it.

2. The generosity of my family always surprises me. This time, I received a generous gift from my my brother. It was completely unexpected, and kind. Combined with my tax refund, this gift helped me to pay off my dental bill.

3. My roommate got yet another salary raise, and she sells books at a bookstore. She now makes double what I do, with less education. It makes me feel like a failure.