A reflection on starting over

A friend of mine is moving to another state. Not super far away, just to Oklahoma (I live in TX) but still. Far enough that it's going to be a major transition. I've moved twice to places, after college and as an adult, where I didn't really know anyone. My friend confessed that he's excited and terrified about this new opportunity. Excited, because he got a fantastic job. Terrified, because it's a new start.

I was reflecting on this and remembering my own move to a completely foreign place, Texas. I got a fantastic job and moved away from everything I had known for 30 years of my life in California. I was really excited about the opportunity, got all moved into my apartment and was okay for a few days after I moved to Texas, and then had a massive breakdown. I can remember chatting with a friend of mine on the phone during that breakdown, and he didn't even really know how to respond because I was so overwhelmed and afraid that I had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

However, I was committed to staying in Texas for awhile, and I've been here about six years now. I do believe it is harder to make friends and connections the older I get. I've started over twice in my life, by moving to places where I didn't really know anyone, and both times were sooooo hard. Even now, I still sometimes feel lonely and far away from my best friends and family. But I have managed to make a few good friends here too.

What I've learned is that it's important to reach out, to try and make those connections. Set social goals. Go out of my way to do things with people, and if they don't invite me to do stuff, then I need to invite them to do stuff with me.

I am thankful for the people who are willing to spend time with me. Those relationships make all the difference to my well-being every week. It seems like the older I get, the more precious those relationships become, because they take longer to build the older I get.

So, to my friend who's moving -- put yourself out there. If you can't find people to do stuff with, go out anyway. Set social goals. Give yourself grace. And when you're lonely, know that there are so many people who care about you. Call your friends and family often. Don't be a stranger. You are going to do great things in your new job, and I pray that it will be a rewarding and enriching experience for you. You deserve it, cause you're awesome!

Haiku

One of my sisters gave me a set of Love Haikubes as a housewarming gift. She knows I love playing with words and being creative. I've had more free time on weekends lately, so I decided to give them a roll.

My composition:

First of all, the last word, "friend," should be plural. So the composition should read:

dinner together
I drink with those wise,
dear, happy, kind, friends

I got to have dinner with my friends Nancy and Liz two nights in a row. I'm thankful they put up with my need to be social. It was a good memory. Nothing spectacular, but I really appreciate having meaningful conversations, good wine, and food with a small group of friends.

I also used the rest of this roll to write another composition:

yearning for beauty
under glistening starlight
being so lonely

However, I couldn't use the cubes to write this... the word "lonely" is not in the cube vocabulary. It's amazing how you can change the entire feeling of a composition by changing one or two words. Using the cubes, this is that same composition, with two different words:

I am often challenged by the idea of choosing my context--how I'm going to be about something. And in this space, I could sense the difference in how I'm being just by changing these words around.

I realize it's not the greatest poetry ever, but this exercise reminded me that I always have the choice to change my attitude. It also reminds me that there are actions I can take to combat the loneliness, like call family or friends, and to respond with self-compassion.

Thinking about Lent

I just got asked to write a devotional for Lent! Super excited. Don't know what I'm going to write about yet. Thinking about it though.

UPDATE: Here's my devotional.

Living with intent

I can't believe how time flies. How did June completely escape me? I've been to two conferences, and have been keeping busy with a few writing and planning projects. I've been spending my writing time writing more in an actual journal, and less on this blog. I have also been writing more poetry and songs, with the goal to record a solo album this year.

Logo from the American Library Association annual conference in Las Vegas (ala14.ala.org)

I went to the American Library Association (ALA) conference this year for the first time as a professional librarian. I do not know very many librarians personally at this conference, so I was determined to make some friends. The first night, I was so tired, and feeling introverted. I kinda wanted to just hide in my room and rest. But I had also put a social event on my calendar. I really debated attending. When I really thought about what I wanted to accomplish at the conference, which was to make some friends, I knew I needed to go to this event. So I made my way through the labyrinth of hotels that is the Las Vegas strip, and finally found the social! I definitely made some friends there, some of whom I think will be my friends for a long time. Meeting these people was the best part of my conference, and I would have missed it if I had decided to stay in my hotel room.

I'm reminded that when I put myself out into the world, with the intention to meet people, I meet people. When we state our intentions, and are committed to them, we can accomplish amazing things.

Teaching

I've been teaching cello lessons for awhile now, and at one of my lessons last Saturday, I met another young cellist. She is a friend of the student I teach. After our lesson, we began to talk about teachers. Hayley, the friend, told me that she had recently quit. Why? I asked. Because, I didn't like my teacher. She doesn't like me. Hayley also told me that she had tried hiring a private lesson teacher, but he never showed up for lessons.

Then my student's mom jumped in and told a story about how she took orchestra in school and played violin, but that she was failing English, and so she couldn't play in any of the concerts. Her teacher told her to not bother playing at all in class. This mom told me that her feelings were really hurt by that teacher.

I didn't teach Hayley anything concrete that day, but I did tell her about some additional opportunities in town, and recommended a few books for her to try if she's still interested in practicing, which she is. At the end of the conversation, Hayley told me I was really pretty. I interpreted that to mean "nice." I think kindness is attractive. I wish more people were concerned with building others up instead of tearing them down.

Learning to play an instrument, or taking on any kind of artistic endeavor is a vulnerable thing to do and I feel like especially teachers of art or music ought to know this.

Teachers, please, think about what you say and do. Your actions impact people for FAR longer than you could ever imagine.

And if you think about it, if someone were to ask you who made the biggest difference in your life outside of immediate family, the answer is almost always a teacher.

On Life and Writing

This is probably the longest break I've taken from writing. I've been struggling. A lot. I often feel very alone. And yet, I have friends here, I have a great job, and I do make an effort to spend time ministering and being around people. So it's hard for me to reconcile the good things I've got in my life with the way I feel most of the time.

And it's interesting. I notice that when I'm feeling this way, I stop writing. I stop reflecting. Well, not really. I'm just more caught up in my own mind. When I don't write, my thoughts, I suppose, just get stuck up there.

I think I come across as having it all together. Whatever that means. But I don't. In these times of struggle, I'm reminded that I'm human, that a lot of other people are feeling the same way.

I'm in process of making a list of fun things to do when I start feeling alone. Even the thought of this list makes me smile, even though I haven't put anything on it yet. These tasks will help me create connection, which we all need.

I'm starting to feel like writing again, all things, and I think it's a sign that I'm finally healing a little.

Singleness

I had conversation with a newish friend of mine the other day about singleness, sort of. You see, we are both in our thirties, and neither of us has had a boyfriend. I think this is very unusual. For me, this is not something that I normally tell people, or even say out loud, mostly because I find it to be somewhat stigmatizing and it's hard for me to explain my perpetual singleness to people because it's hard for me to explain even to myself.

But honestly, it comes down to all the little choices I've made in life that have led me to this place. I can't say there's been a lack of opportunity, because there have been guys along the way that have been interested in dating me, but I haven't been interested in them, and the opposite of that too: where I've been interested in dating a particular guy, but he hasn't been interested in dating me. I'm still single because of these kinds of choices I've made. And I would rather be single than with the wrong person. That, I know is true.

It's hard though, I really would love to be in a long-term relationship with the right person, and as I get older the task of finding that person seems to get more difficult. Many of my perpetually single friends (and family members) have recently found someone, including the friend I mention above. As they do, my feeling of solidarity with my fellow singles is starting to diminish and to a certain extent, this makes me feel more alone.

My friend above seems to have met a great guy. She and I don't know each other that well, but she was telling me about how she's so happy right now, and yet feels like she can't share this happiness with her other perpetually single friends because she is worried that it will make them feel more depressed. I feel more removed from this situation because she and I are new friends. So I was able to share this advice with her:

Your friends care about you, they want you to be happy. Tell them you want to be able to share this part of life with them, but that you don't want to hurt their feelings or make them feel more alone. Those of us that are perpetually single know how it is. We are happy for our friends and share in life's victories with them!

I really mean this. To my friends and family who have found love, I am truly happy for you! It's true! I love hearing about your lives and sharing in your happiness. It makes me happy to see you happy. I love spending time with you and your families.

At the same time though, I need you to remember that as more of you find love, and I don't, it does make me feel more alone, but that's just how I feel, and ultimately, I am responsible for these feelings! I have learned how to address my feelings and take action when I need to in order to feel less alone, and not everyone has learned how to do that.

I will admit, it makes me feel less alone when you check-in and see how I'm doing. When you do, it helps me remember that I am loved. Please remember to pray for us too--those perpetually single people in your life. I think many of us do often feel alone.

It may look like the single life is awesome, because we singles have more freedom, but ultimately, I wish I had someone to share it with.

Verse - micropoem

A rhyming pattern
A rhythmic scheme
Altered, a bit
As the author deems

Each word chosen
crafted, written
edited with care
to convey its meaning

Want - micropoem

If you are wondering where are these ideas coming from, well, again, I am drawing out words from my magnetic poetry collection. Also, one more thing, I am not going to be publishing every day, per se, I may take a day off here and there. But this has already proven to be a really great writing exercise for me. So I am going to keep on doing it.

Here is today's poem:

Want
What do I really want?
What does anyone really want?
Love, Acceptance, Happiness
This is what I want to achieve.

Blue - micropoem

This one was also more difficult because I wrote a poem about "blue" once before, This is the first poem in this series that doesn't feel like it flows in quite the right way, but again, the exercise is to write something in five minutes, so here it is:

Blue
I'm dressed warmly for the cold,
hat, scarf, gloves,
I pull my jacket tighter as I walk on the sand,
The sea, a friendly blue by day,
is darker at night
than the sky filled with its moon and stars

I give my thoughts a chance to wear themselves out as I walk
or be drowned out by the ocean's thundering roar
and lost in time masked by infinite waves

Disk - micropoem

Confession: this one was really challenging. How do you write a poem using the word disk? I know this poetry isn't great, but this one is extra terrible. Haha. Thanks for enduring with me!

Disk
If the moon were a disk full of music, what would it play?
Songs about sun or earth envy? Or time & space?
Or maybe songs about division of dark & light,
Or perhaps a joyous song about dancing in the night?
Or maybe insurmountable distance between other spatial beings,
Or how it feels small in its own galaxy?

Though - micropoem

Even though I feel alone, I know that God is with me
Even though I feel weak, I know that God is strong
Even though I feel ashamed, I know that God accepts me
Even though I feel afraid, I know that God protects me

Rehearse - micropoem

Over and over again
I worry the words in my head
Rehearsing every scenario
Wondering how things will go
My thoughts, restless
Like children on a merry-go-round
They hate to stop or let go
They hold on and spin
And spin some more
Dizziness, their addiction
--I'll not have peace 'til they're gone

Measure - micropoem

Measure--
In music, a quantity of time
marked by two lines
A determined distance between them
Because of the brevity
Or perhaps in spite of it
Notes of different tones and lengths
abound in possibility

Perform - micropoem

I close my eyes
Take a deep breath
Visualize the notes
Listen in my head

I open my eyes
I breathe deeply again
I am ready
For the show to begin

Micropoems

I am embarking on a project to write poetry for at least 5 min a day. I am choosing random words from my magnetic poetry collection to inspire me. Today's word is "charm" and here is today's poem:

Charm

I wear a ring as a charm
to remind me to be bold
To be myself, to hold myself
in highest regard

To remember my compassion
my heart, my humanity
To help me love beyond myself
and reach out to those in need

Decision time.

Last week, I told myself that I would try to finish this application for a really cool program I would love to be a part of, but I'm half convinced I have no shot of getting into it. So I'm sitting here wavering. I can really see myself going either way-- fine if I don't apply, or regretful that I didn't even try... App is due next week, and I have three more short essays to finish... What should I do?

I am kind of feeling like if I'm going for it, I need to have a completed draft done by the end of my day.

Scooby Doo, where are you?

This place has always reminded me of the kind of place the gang from Scooby Doo would end up at. Notice the decrepit sign, the old roofing on the far end, and I was very proud of capturing this place with the dark stormy clouds in the backgound because it's always raining that first night wherever the Scooby Doo gang stays. This is NOT a place I would want anyone to stay, though believe it or not, it has been cleaned up just a little since I've lived in Fort Worth.

Adventuring

I have been doing a lot of living lately. I've been traveling. Went to Hawaii to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday, to West Palm Beach, Florida for a conference, and just got back from a very fun trip to Colorado.

In Colorado, I learned how to use a compass and topographical map. A good life skill, you know? I was there with a group of incoming freshmen for the university where I work. About half the group participated in the orienteering activity, also known as the "adventure race" while the other half was rock climbing. We had to find different locations based on our topographical map and see how many of them we could find in a five hour period of time.

We split up into three teams. With 30 minutes to go (and the threat of penalties if we didn't make it back in time), my team decided to try to find one more location on the map. This last location looked to be just under a quarter of a mile away and with 15 minutes to go, we found our final location. At each location we had to complete an activity, and at this point, our guide informed us that this activity in particular would take about 9 minutes. He told us that everyone needed to agree whether or not we were going to complete the activity, because once we did, we would have about 5 minutes to get back to our original starting point without penalties. What this meant was that we would all need to sprint back to that point.

We all decided to go for it. We designated our fastest runner to put the materials back where we found them and all agreed to sprint back to base camp. Now, I'm 35 and in pretty good shape, and the average age for the rest of my group was about 19. I am proud to say we all made it back with about 2 minutes to spare, completely out of breath, and proud of ourselves for going for it. Turns out that with that final activity, we won by one point! If we hadn't gone for it, there would have been a tie. I will never forget the sight of my team sprinting across that field of sage as we hustled to make our rendezvous point in time.

In addition, we set a new camp record for the most locations found!

I was reminded that sometimes the rewards are greater when we take risks. My whole team felt a sense of accomplishment and we all agreed that even if we didn't win, we had given the activity our all.

Sunset in Colorado

This is nice and all...

...but will not get you anywhere:

I'm afraid I font have a question to ask but would like to say that I do find you intresting. Just one of those things . I'm always looking for a good friend and maybe if we can be friends , I would like to hear you play. Till then have a good day.

So let me say a little more about why this won't get you anywhere...

This is another message I got from a guy on a dating site. I explicitly tell people in my profile that if you want a response from me you need to ask a question because (and I quote): Conversations start with questions and end with statements.


The message above tells me nothing. Do we have anything in common? Does he like tacos? Why does he find me interesting? I know why I think I am interesting, but please, tell me a little more... how can we be friends if he can't ask me a question to find out more about me and or whether or not we can have a conversation? This tells me that the guy likes music and wants to see me play, and I all I can think right now is "what if he's a stalker? I know nothing about him!" So no, sir, I will not be inviting you (whoever you are) to watch me play. Not happening. I will also not be responding to this message.