I'm going to see one of my all-time favorite Christian bands tomorrow night...jars of clay. As I was reflecting on this show, I was remembering the last time I saw them in concert. My brother invited me to go because he knew I liked them a lot and they were playing at Pepperdine, where he went to school.
Prior to this concert, I had one of the most memorable and upsetting conversations I've ever had with my dad. It was awful. I came away from that experience convinced that my dad and I would never understand each other.
That concert was so good, and although I don't remember all the songs they played, I remember being able to talk to my brother about what had happened and being comforted by him. I also remember feeling that there was comfort in the music that was being played.
I find that in some of my worst times, God has comforted me through music.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Thursday, April 07, 2005
Luke 6:37-42
"Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back." He also told them a parable: "Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit? A disciple is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully qualified will be like the teacher. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, "Friend, let me take out the speck in your eye,' when you yourself do not see the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye. (NRSV)
We talked a bit at Bible Study last night about the difference between holding someone accountable and judging them. It is hard to withold judgment, and forgive as God forgives, but it is what we are called to do. I think I judge more than I think I do. Yet at the same time we are to hold each other accountable. When does accountability become judgement? In our discussion I think we decided that the difference is love, even though accountability can sometimes feel like judgement. Whenever we are held accountable for sin, we get immediately defensive.
In my personal experience, I will listen, get angry, think about what the person is saying, and then evaluate their words to my behavior. Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I don't.
The Bible doesn't say "Never point out the speck," but implies we can after some self-examination. The log is our own pride and self-righteousness. It can blind us. And how can you even see a speck if you're blinded by the plank? The balance between holding people accountable and allowing them grace is tricky to maintain.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
More on Art
If you stepped back for a moment and took a look at the work of art you have created with your life, what would it look like? Are the lines still forming or can you begin to envision what the entire picture is going to look like? Think of it as the masterpiece that you will present before God once you die. What will it look like? And how do you think God would judge the quality of your work? Is it a masterpiece fit for a museum? A Sunday morning comic?
What a great series of questions on the topic of Christianity and art.
If my life looked like a painting, I think it would be a bit abstract, with subtle color differeneces. I think the eyes would be somehow drawn to the center and there would be lines, but they would be disconnected from each other.
I feel pulled in so many different directions, and I have never really followed through on what I really want to do with my life. I have a lot of different interests and a fear of failure, so I don't take very many risks in terms of job stability or relationships. I feel that I have a strong center in my relationship with God, but since I'm boring (from a lack of taking risks) I think the color would be sort of boring. However, the color could imply ambiguousness in the sense that although I'm not an ambiguous person, maybe the color would hint at the depth of my soul or something.
I think the lines are still forming in my life and I have no idea what the final picture would look like. I would hope that one day I would look at my life and considerate a masterpiece, but at this point, I don't see it. My life just sort of looks boring and disconnected.
Waiting on God for direction can sometimes take a long time.
What a great series of questions on the topic of Christianity and art.
If my life looked like a painting, I think it would be a bit abstract, with subtle color differeneces. I think the eyes would be somehow drawn to the center and there would be lines, but they would be disconnected from each other.
I feel pulled in so many different directions, and I have never really followed through on what I really want to do with my life. I have a lot of different interests and a fear of failure, so I don't take very many risks in terms of job stability or relationships. I feel that I have a strong center in my relationship with God, but since I'm boring (from a lack of taking risks) I think the color would be sort of boring. However, the color could imply ambiguousness in the sense that although I'm not an ambiguous person, maybe the color would hint at the depth of my soul or something.
I think the lines are still forming in my life and I have no idea what the final picture would look like. I would hope that one day I would look at my life and considerate a masterpiece, but at this point, I don't see it. My life just sort of looks boring and disconnected.
Waiting on God for direction can sometimes take a long time.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Define Art
I am trying to meditate, fast, and pray on Fridays as a ministry to Ryan, a friend of mine who is a missionary in Africa. He asked a small group of friends and family members to do this with him. Every Friday, someone writes a guide for us to study regarding a people group, idea or ministry.
This weeks guide was written by Ryan's older brother, and it was an exploration of the definition of art and exploring art in the context of Christianity. This is a subject I hold near and dear to my heart.
I love to create and feel that the best art I've created has been the result of the gift of inspiration. It is hard for me to create without inspiration, and all my best work has come in flurries when inspiration strikes, which is not often.
There is something also to be said for being disciplined in the arts. As a musician, the less I practice, the more technique I lose. It takes work to make the music sound beautiful, and not like it is difficult to play.
I also know that when I do not create, I become static and depressed. I find that for me, a creative outlet is necessary for me to stay sane. There was a time in my life that I did not create. I went through a complete dry spell. Then I realized that I needed an outlet and started creating again.
I believe that art is a search for meaning...a search for Truth. There is always suffering, pain, and evil that you encounter on the journey. These things are as true as the end result. Is there beauty in suffering? Maybe not in the physical act, but maybe in the way it refines us... and suffering is common to the human existance. We can all relate to it.
Much art is created out of suffering and despair. Sometimes the creative process in these times gives us release, and perhaps a chance to hope a little that things will be better one day. This kind of art reminds me from whence I came and where I want to be sometime in the future, even if that future is simply the next minute I breathe.
This weeks guide was written by Ryan's older brother, and it was an exploration of the definition of art and exploring art in the context of Christianity. This is a subject I hold near and dear to my heart.
I love to create and feel that the best art I've created has been the result of the gift of inspiration. It is hard for me to create without inspiration, and all my best work has come in flurries when inspiration strikes, which is not often.
There is something also to be said for being disciplined in the arts. As a musician, the less I practice, the more technique I lose. It takes work to make the music sound beautiful, and not like it is difficult to play.
I also know that when I do not create, I become static and depressed. I find that for me, a creative outlet is necessary for me to stay sane. There was a time in my life that I did not create. I went through a complete dry spell. Then I realized that I needed an outlet and started creating again.
I believe that art is a search for meaning...a search for Truth. There is always suffering, pain, and evil that you encounter on the journey. These things are as true as the end result. Is there beauty in suffering? Maybe not in the physical act, but maybe in the way it refines us... and suffering is common to the human existance. We can all relate to it.
Much art is created out of suffering and despair. Sometimes the creative process in these times gives us release, and perhaps a chance to hope a little that things will be better one day. This kind of art reminds me from whence I came and where I want to be sometime in the future, even if that future is simply the next minute I breathe.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Three things
Three things tonight...
1. I alternate between being very grateful for where I am in life and yet feeling like I should be doing something more... Like there's more to life than how I'm living it.
2. The generosity of my family always surprises me. This time, I received a generous gift from my my brother. It was completely unexpected, and kind. Combined with my tax refund, this gift helped me to pay off my dental bill.
3. My roommate got yet another salary raise, and she sells books at a bookstore. She now makes double what I do, with less education. It makes me feel like a failure.
1. I alternate between being very grateful for where I am in life and yet feeling like I should be doing something more... Like there's more to life than how I'm living it.
2. The generosity of my family always surprises me. This time, I received a generous gift from my my brother. It was completely unexpected, and kind. Combined with my tax refund, this gift helped me to pay off my dental bill.
3. My roommate got yet another salary raise, and she sells books at a bookstore. She now makes double what I do, with less education. It makes me feel like a failure.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
For Laurel
A Short Story:
One day while we were hanging out, Laurel looked at me and said, “You’re going to be in my wedding someday.”
I had only recently met Laurel, and had known her for maybe two weeks. People always thought we were related because we had the same color hair and eyes, and though I was taller, she wasn’t too much shorter than me. We lived in the same dorm and had initially met at a Campus Crusade meeting.
I kind of looked at her, perplexed, “You don’t even know me that well, you can’t possibly know what the future holds.”
“I just know,” she said.
“We’ll see,” I responded. This really confused me. I thought it was cool that she thought we would become good friends, but I do not let very many people get close to me and I was rather skeptical.
We later became roommates, confidants, and good friends. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. And as it turns out, she was right. I did end up being in her wedding. I felt privileged to be a part of it and see a deeply held dream come true for her.
While it takes two people to maintain a relationship, Laurel was the first person to ever seriously pursue me as a friend. It is difficult to say why some people become friends and others are friends for a time and then move on, or why some people never become close at all.
All I know is that Laurel and I shared a passion for Taco Bell, good literature, and a desire to know God more. Laurel always badgered me into telling her what I was really thinking…again, one of the only people in my life to challenge me in this way.
Laurel, I have loved being your friend, and I thank you for pursuing me as a friend those first few weeks we met. College just wouldn’t have been the same without you, and I really don’t think that I would have met anyone else who could have filled the role you have filled in my life. Life would be much lonelier without you. I’m glad I get to be a part of a dream that you have held in your heart since I first met you and though we used to tease you about it, I know I never doubted that you would be married some day…I just took issue with the “when” J. Congratulations.
Love,
Robyn
One day while we were hanging out, Laurel looked at me and said, “You’re going to be in my wedding someday.”
I had only recently met Laurel, and had known her for maybe two weeks. People always thought we were related because we had the same color hair and eyes, and though I was taller, she wasn’t too much shorter than me. We lived in the same dorm and had initially met at a Campus Crusade meeting.
I kind of looked at her, perplexed, “You don’t even know me that well, you can’t possibly know what the future holds.”
“I just know,” she said.
“We’ll see,” I responded. This really confused me. I thought it was cool that she thought we would become good friends, but I do not let very many people get close to me and I was rather skeptical.
We later became roommates, confidants, and good friends. I couldn’t ask for a better friend. And as it turns out, she was right. I did end up being in her wedding. I felt privileged to be a part of it and see a deeply held dream come true for her.
While it takes two people to maintain a relationship, Laurel was the first person to ever seriously pursue me as a friend. It is difficult to say why some people become friends and others are friends for a time and then move on, or why some people never become close at all.
All I know is that Laurel and I shared a passion for Taco Bell, good literature, and a desire to know God more. Laurel always badgered me into telling her what I was really thinking…again, one of the only people in my life to challenge me in this way.
Laurel, I have loved being your friend, and I thank you for pursuing me as a friend those first few weeks we met. College just wouldn’t have been the same without you, and I really don’t think that I would have met anyone else who could have filled the role you have filled in my life. Life would be much lonelier without you. I’m glad I get to be a part of a dream that you have held in your heart since I first met you and though we used to tease you about it, I know I never doubted that you would be married some day…I just took issue with the “when” J. Congratulations.
Love,
Robyn
Thursday, March 17, 2005
My evening
Went to my friend's apartment to do laundry. We were invited over next door for dinner, which was awesome! The girls we met were so nice. I also managed to get attacked by the laundry machine, and I suppose two loads completed are better than none. I might regret staying up so late tonight, but I had a good time, and it is Thursday tomorrow, and I have Friday off.
Hardships
I'm really struggling with my finances right now. It's so hard to get a bill in the mail that doubles your debt. I keep trying to think of ways to pay...should I pay it off as quickly as possible? Even if I have to sacrifice a lot just to pay? Or should I pay it off little by little because I can't afford to sacrifice what I think I can?
I talked to my dad about it. I never ask him for anything. I asked if I could use one of my savings bonds to pay off the debt, and told him that I would be open to hearing any suggestions he might have.
I'm so tired of owing money, I just cannot seem to get ahead in life. Its so frustrating!!! I cannot succeed in any of my financial goals unless I pay off the debt.
I didn't realize how affected I was by this until a few tears broke loose at my small group last night. I'm really stressed out about it.
But I know that God will provide. He has always been faithful in the past. My brother even offered to help if I needed it, and a friend of mine from small group offered to help me in small ways. It reminded me that people do care, and that I can still have hope for the future, in spite of major financial set-backs.
I talked to my dad about it. I never ask him for anything. I asked if I could use one of my savings bonds to pay off the debt, and told him that I would be open to hearing any suggestions he might have.
I'm so tired of owing money, I just cannot seem to get ahead in life. Its so frustrating!!! I cannot succeed in any of my financial goals unless I pay off the debt.
I didn't realize how affected I was by this until a few tears broke loose at my small group last night. I'm really stressed out about it.
But I know that God will provide. He has always been faithful in the past. My brother even offered to help if I needed it, and a friend of mine from small group offered to help me in small ways. It reminded me that people do care, and that I can still have hope for the future, in spite of major financial set-backs.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Girls' Weekend Out
This weekend was so great! I went to Napa with Laurel and her sisters to celebrate her last few weeks of singleness. We had a good time of relaxing, sharing, and fun. I'm so tired right now, but it was all worth it. I can't wait to sleep. I don't want to go to bed too early because then I'll be awake at the crack of dawn.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
A Night Out
My date diary:
2:30pm
My date suggests via e-mail (I don’t do so well with the phone) that we go to a jazz club. Seeing as how my roommate and I had made plans to go see her boy play in his band later that night, I emailed him, “no, let’s just do dinner.” I also tried to convince him to go to Baja Fresh, one of my all-time favorites, but he wanted to sit-down somewhere.
4:30pm
Getting nervous, and its time to leave work. I decide on my way home that I need to take a walk before I leave cause it will clear my mind and give me time to convince myself to be nice, talkative, sincere, and less reserved.
5:00pm
I arrive at my apartment, change, and go for a walk around a large block, to the park and back.
My mantra: “Just be nice. We can be friends. Don’t be so serious.”
5:50pm
After a good self-pep-talk, I arrive back at my apartment all sweaty and decide to take a quick shower before meeting this guy at the restaurant.
6:10pm
If I had a choice, I would wear my old jeans, favorite long-sleeved shirt, and hat. Knowing that my date is from Texas and will probably wear a button-up shirt, I decide to go in jeans, an old polo, and a brown jacket.
6:20pm
Finally out the door. Headed to Mission Valley for dinner. I’m supposed to be there at 6:30pm.
6:29pm
Driving around the parking lot. The people who designed parking lots in San Diego were idiots!
6:30pm
Still driving…
6:32pm
Still driving…
6:33pm
Aha! A spot! But its not in front of the restaurant. I don’t really care, so I get out and walk over.
6:35pm
Only 5 minutes late. And my date is already there. He says hi and greets me with a hug longer than I expected. The waitress leads us over to a table. I start to pull out the chair and sit, but my date doesn’t like the table because it is in front of the server station…. So he asks the hostess if we can move. She says yes, and we moved. To a quieter corner table.
6:43pm
We start having a conversation about stuff. Topics of conversation included my Spring Break, his travel plans, rehearsal schedule (he’s a singer) and my orchestral involvement.
6:50pm
We order drinks (non-alcoholic of course!) and look over the menu.
6:55pm
The waitress comes back with our drinks and we order. I got chicken tacos. My favorite!
6:57pm
Conversation continues. Topics include: His spiritual gifts and personality (he’s an extrovert…this is making more sense to me now…I wonder if he understands the fact that I’m more introverted…), and my personality and spiritual gifts (I’m a creative communicator!)
7:10pm – 7:35pm
Food arrives. He prays. We eat and continue to talk about: My opportunities to be more creative at work, his interest in arts, my interest in water, how I almost killed myself once in a Catamaran.
7:36pm
Waitress asks if we want dessert. We decline and she leaves the bill. We continue to talk, only I’m wondering why we aren’t leaving yet.
7:40pm
My date, “Oh yeah, before I forget, here’s a CD I think you might like.”
I take the CD and look it over, “What is it?”
My date, “It’s latin jazz… there’s some songs in Spanish, Portuguese, and French I think too. I don’t know if its your style, but its mellow.”
Me, “Okay, I’ll give it a listen.”
7:40pm
My date, “I’ll pick this up,” referring to the bill.
Me, “are you sure, I’ve got money.”
My date, “Well, its up to you.”
Awkward! I ended up letting him pick up the bill.
We chat a little longer.
7:45pm
I look at my watch and say, “I need to get going.” And he says, “okay.” So he makes a gesture for me to walk ahead and we walk outside behind these kids who were singing a potentially made-up, very repetitive song about birthday balloons, which they were carrying out the door.
7:47pm
I angle toward my car. Can’t find it. This never happens to me! And my date is a witness to my momentary memory lapse.
7:48pm
Figure out that I’m two aisles farther than my car, and its parked further back than I thought it was.
7:50pm
Thanked my date for dinner, and gave him a hug.
7:51pm
Got in my car and drove away. So glad to be home. Yay!
2:30pm
My date suggests via e-mail (I don’t do so well with the phone) that we go to a jazz club. Seeing as how my roommate and I had made plans to go see her boy play in his band later that night, I emailed him, “no, let’s just do dinner.” I also tried to convince him to go to Baja Fresh, one of my all-time favorites, but he wanted to sit-down somewhere.
4:30pm
Getting nervous, and its time to leave work. I decide on my way home that I need to take a walk before I leave cause it will clear my mind and give me time to convince myself to be nice, talkative, sincere, and less reserved.
5:00pm
I arrive at my apartment, change, and go for a walk around a large block, to the park and back.
My mantra: “Just be nice. We can be friends. Don’t be so serious.”
5:50pm
After a good self-pep-talk, I arrive back at my apartment all sweaty and decide to take a quick shower before meeting this guy at the restaurant.
6:10pm
If I had a choice, I would wear my old jeans, favorite long-sleeved shirt, and hat. Knowing that my date is from Texas and will probably wear a button-up shirt, I decide to go in jeans, an old polo, and a brown jacket.
6:20pm
Finally out the door. Headed to Mission Valley for dinner. I’m supposed to be there at 6:30pm.
6:29pm
Driving around the parking lot. The people who designed parking lots in San Diego were idiots!
6:30pm
Still driving…
6:32pm
Still driving…
6:33pm
Aha! A spot! But its not in front of the restaurant. I don’t really care, so I get out and walk over.
6:35pm
Only 5 minutes late. And my date is already there. He says hi and greets me with a hug longer than I expected. The waitress leads us over to a table. I start to pull out the chair and sit, but my date doesn’t like the table because it is in front of the server station…. So he asks the hostess if we can move. She says yes, and we moved. To a quieter corner table.
6:43pm
We start having a conversation about stuff. Topics of conversation included my Spring Break, his travel plans, rehearsal schedule (he’s a singer) and my orchestral involvement.
6:50pm
We order drinks (non-alcoholic of course!) and look over the menu.
6:55pm
The waitress comes back with our drinks and we order. I got chicken tacos. My favorite!
6:57pm
Conversation continues. Topics include: His spiritual gifts and personality (he’s an extrovert…this is making more sense to me now…I wonder if he understands the fact that I’m more introverted…), and my personality and spiritual gifts (I’m a creative communicator!)
7:10pm – 7:35pm
Food arrives. He prays. We eat and continue to talk about: My opportunities to be more creative at work, his interest in arts, my interest in water, how I almost killed myself once in a Catamaran.
7:36pm
Waitress asks if we want dessert. We decline and she leaves the bill. We continue to talk, only I’m wondering why we aren’t leaving yet.
7:40pm
My date, “Oh yeah, before I forget, here’s a CD I think you might like.”
I take the CD and look it over, “What is it?”
My date, “It’s latin jazz… there’s some songs in Spanish, Portuguese, and French I think too. I don’t know if its your style, but its mellow.”
Me, “Okay, I’ll give it a listen.”
7:40pm
My date, “I’ll pick this up,” referring to the bill.
Me, “are you sure, I’ve got money.”
My date, “Well, its up to you.”
Awkward! I ended up letting him pick up the bill.
We chat a little longer.
7:45pm
I look at my watch and say, “I need to get going.” And he says, “okay.” So he makes a gesture for me to walk ahead and we walk outside behind these kids who were singing a potentially made-up, very repetitive song about birthday balloons, which they were carrying out the door.
7:47pm
I angle toward my car. Can’t find it. This never happens to me! And my date is a witness to my momentary memory lapse.
7:48pm
Figure out that I’m two aisles farther than my car, and its parked further back than I thought it was.
7:50pm
Thanked my date for dinner, and gave him a hug.
7:51pm
Got in my car and drove away. So glad to be home. Yay!
Monday, March 07, 2005
Resting and Waiting
How important it is to rest! We talked about the Sabbath on Sunday, and how important it is to take the time to rest.
Bob (the pastor) advised us all to take the time to say "no" to things that we normally say "yes" to and to say "yes" to the things that we normally have to say "no" to. I thought that was good advice.
I am totally appreciating Spring Break, because it is a time of rest for me even though there are no students. It is very quiet here, and peaceful.
I am looking forward to this weekend, wherein I will be spending time with Laurel and her sisters to celebrate with her as she prepares for her wedding in 3 weeks.
Right after Ryan left to go overseas, I got sort of sad. I really miss him. And because he was gone, I just let it be. Then he sent me an email a few weeks later and reminded me that even though he lives farther away, we can still communicate. It was sort of a "Hey, I'm still here for you, how are you doing" email.
This is sort of how I feel about Laurel's marriage... I find myself mourning a little for our friendship because things are changing. But I have to remind myself that even though this is a big change in her life, she is not going to change that much, and even though things will be slightly different, we will always be friends.
Bob (the pastor) advised us all to take the time to say "no" to things that we normally say "yes" to and to say "yes" to the things that we normally have to say "no" to. I thought that was good advice.
I am totally appreciating Spring Break, because it is a time of rest for me even though there are no students. It is very quiet here, and peaceful.
I am looking forward to this weekend, wherein I will be spending time with Laurel and her sisters to celebrate with her as she prepares for her wedding in 3 weeks.
Right after Ryan left to go overseas, I got sort of sad. I really miss him. And because he was gone, I just let it be. Then he sent me an email a few weeks later and reminded me that even though he lives farther away, we can still communicate. It was sort of a "Hey, I'm still here for you, how are you doing" email.
This is sort of how I feel about Laurel's marriage... I find myself mourning a little for our friendship because things are changing. But I have to remind myself that even though this is a big change in her life, she is not going to change that much, and even though things will be slightly different, we will always be friends.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
More Communication Issues
I have been really worked up by all the thoughts in my head. I have had recent doubts of my introvertedness, but as I have taken steps outside to sort of observe the way I function, I really am an introvert. Take tonight for example, Bible Study was cancelled, and although I was a little bummed out, I was able to finish a book I borrowed from the library, and I'm feeling way more relaxed than I have in awhile. It's a good feeling.
However, today wasn't my best day. I woke up feeling grumpy and tired, and then my coworker sent me an irritating e-mail, and I wrote her back. She thought I was being mean, and then when we talked about it verbally she still thought I was being mean. I don't know what else I could have done to make her think that I wasn't being mean... she pushed the issue, when it could have been dropped and then I told her exactly why I was irritated. It was sort of messy, but I'm totally fine with the way things turned out even though she walked away in a huff. I apologized a little later but she only hears what she wants. I don't think she understands why I got irritated, but won't listen to why. Anyway, makes for a good discussion.
However, today wasn't my best day. I woke up feeling grumpy and tired, and then my coworker sent me an irritating e-mail, and I wrote her back. She thought I was being mean, and then when we talked about it verbally she still thought I was being mean. I don't know what else I could have done to make her think that I wasn't being mean... she pushed the issue, when it could have been dropped and then I told her exactly why I was irritated. It was sort of messy, but I'm totally fine with the way things turned out even though she walked away in a huff. I apologized a little later but she only hears what she wants. I don't think she understands why I got irritated, but won't listen to why. Anyway, makes for a good discussion.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Comic-tragedy
The most awkward night ever:
Having a friend of mine yell at me in band practice the other day and it really hurt my feelings. He told me later that he appreciated me being there, and I think we're okay, but it really put a damper on the evening for me. Made me feel rather anti-social later which was a problem because then both the guys who are interested in me showed up last night. They don't know each other, and then another friend of mine said loudly, "so who are you dating?" He had no idea he was standing between the two guys, and I had to pull him aside and yell at him for being indiscrete.
Anyway, it was hard for me to sleep last night, I thought about this the whole night! And I was unable to resolve anything in my mind.
Having a friend of mine yell at me in band practice the other day and it really hurt my feelings. He told me later that he appreciated me being there, and I think we're okay, but it really put a damper on the evening for me. Made me feel rather anti-social later which was a problem because then both the guys who are interested in me showed up last night. They don't know each other, and then another friend of mine said loudly, "so who are you dating?" He had no idea he was standing between the two guys, and I had to pull him aside and yell at him for being indiscrete.
Anyway, it was hard for me to sleep last night, I thought about this the whole night! And I was unable to resolve anything in my mind.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Dating Novella
Dating is so hard. I'm thinking about writing out my stories about dating in the form of a novella.
So here it is, Chronicles of the Chronically Single:
I met a really cool guy about a month ago, and I think he would ask me out except that he's moving in about 5 days. I love spending time with him, and we seem to be very compatible as friends. BUT HE'S MOVING!
Then there's these two other guys that I'm not necessarily interested in. I just don't know what to do in these situations. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm willing to be friends...but if they want more than that, well, I IGNORE THEM!
This is all totally hilarious to me, because I haven't been asked out in the last year or so, and now there's two guys interested, possibly three? If only guy number 1 wasn't moving away...
Dating makes me feel squirmy...like I'm a little kid trying to sit still in church, bored with drawing pictures in the margins of the bulletin with the same dulled golf pencils that never get replaced... trying not to disturb the people around me, but disturbing them anyway because of my restlessness...
There are a few possible reasons for my squirmy-ness:
1. I don't like being the center of attention, and when there's only two of you well... there's not really any way to distract the other person with other people...
2. Even though I have control of the dating situation (ie I am the responder...) dating still makes me feel out of control...when there's another person out there, well, you can't really control them...and uh, that makes me nervous, er, squirmy, even though I like variety in life, I like people to be predictable and the guys who are interested in dating me, well, that's not very predictable at all.
3. I have few close friends, and a lot of people I keep at arms-length. I am very reserved and skeptical, and hard to win over sometimes. My reserve sometimes creates social awkwardness in dating situations and it might be because I feel like I'm a boring person...anyone who is interested in dating me automatically makes me just a little bit skeptical...
4. Of course, I could always blame it all on my parents and their messy divorce, but two of my siblings (out of four of us) are in healthy, committed dating relationships...that's 50%, so I don't know that I can blame the parents...but I could...
So here it is, Chronicles of the Chronically Single:
I met a really cool guy about a month ago, and I think he would ask me out except that he's moving in about 5 days. I love spending time with him, and we seem to be very compatible as friends. BUT HE'S MOVING!
Then there's these two other guys that I'm not necessarily interested in. I just don't know what to do in these situations. I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I'm willing to be friends...but if they want more than that, well, I IGNORE THEM!
This is all totally hilarious to me, because I haven't been asked out in the last year or so, and now there's two guys interested, possibly three? If only guy number 1 wasn't moving away...
Dating makes me feel squirmy...like I'm a little kid trying to sit still in church, bored with drawing pictures in the margins of the bulletin with the same dulled golf pencils that never get replaced... trying not to disturb the people around me, but disturbing them anyway because of my restlessness...
There are a few possible reasons for my squirmy-ness:
1. I don't like being the center of attention, and when there's only two of you well... there's not really any way to distract the other person with other people...
2. Even though I have control of the dating situation (ie I am the responder...) dating still makes me feel out of control...when there's another person out there, well, you can't really control them...and uh, that makes me nervous, er, squirmy, even though I like variety in life, I like people to be predictable and the guys who are interested in dating me, well, that's not very predictable at all.
3. I have few close friends, and a lot of people I keep at arms-length. I am very reserved and skeptical, and hard to win over sometimes. My reserve sometimes creates social awkwardness in dating situations and it might be because I feel like I'm a boring person...anyone who is interested in dating me automatically makes me just a little bit skeptical...
4. Of course, I could always blame it all on my parents and their messy divorce, but two of my siblings (out of four of us) are in healthy, committed dating relationships...that's 50%, so I don't know that I can blame the parents...but I could...
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Abundantly Poor
It is possible to feel blessed with abundance and incredibly poor at the same time. I have felt so blessed these last few months. I got some great gifts for my birthday, reconciled a relationship with someone I felt I treated poorly, met some new people, and yet, as I paid my bills last night, I couldn't help but start to panic.
I read Matthew 14:14-21 this morning. It is the story of how as Jesus continued to heal the people, more people came, and they had no food. Jesus tells the disciples to give them something to eat, and they tell Him that they only have five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus tells the people to sit down, gives thanks for the food, and provides more than enough for everyone.
God has always provided for me. He never lets me get into the red, no matter how much money I think I have left to spend. This does not mean that I go out and spend all my money, but that I budget and try to make it on what I have. I am so frail. When I panic, its like I'm not putting my faith in God, and he has always taken care of me, another lesson in trusting Him.
I read Matthew 14:14-21 this morning. It is the story of how as Jesus continued to heal the people, more people came, and they had no food. Jesus tells the disciples to give them something to eat, and they tell Him that they only have five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus tells the people to sit down, gives thanks for the food, and provides more than enough for everyone.
God has always provided for me. He never lets me get into the red, no matter how much money I think I have left to spend. This does not mean that I go out and spend all my money, but that I budget and try to make it on what I have. I am so frail. When I panic, its like I'm not putting my faith in God, and he has always taken care of me, another lesson in trusting Him.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Whew!
I think things are finally slowing down a bit for me. Whew! What a crazy couple of weeks! I finally hired and trained my new student worker, I have a normal sized stack of books to process today, and I tested my potential new commute and it only took me 30 minutes to get here, which is only 10 minutes longer than my current commute. That's awesome! So it looks like I might be leaving the community I love, but there is so much potential for a better situation for me.
I am so thankful for all the blessings God has bestowed on my life, and my only complaint is that I'm tired sometimes. But life is good.
I am so thankful for all the blessings God has bestowed on my life, and my only complaint is that I'm tired sometimes. But life is good.
Friday, January 21, 2005
Take a breath
Today has been so busy, and I can't believe how the time has flown! I have accomplished a lot this week, and I cannot wait for next week. Not that it will be an extraordinary week, but all the busyness of the past two weeks will be forgotten...I hope.
A friend of mine from church asked me if I would like to move in with her. She is an awesome girl and made me a great offer to live in her house for a great price. There are more positives than negatives about this place, but the negatives are substantial... one of them being the commute I would have to work, the second being the peace of mind and great roommate I currently have.
The positives would be potential for accountability in my Christian walk, significant reduction in rent, the potential to own a dog and move my grand piano down here, be closer to where my friends live and live in the community that I will soon be serving in ministry.
I feel like I have a lot on my plate to think about, and maybe this would be a good change for me.
A friend of mine from church asked me if I would like to move in with her. She is an awesome girl and made me a great offer to live in her house for a great price. There are more positives than negatives about this place, but the negatives are substantial... one of them being the commute I would have to work, the second being the peace of mind and great roommate I currently have.
The positives would be potential for accountability in my Christian walk, significant reduction in rent, the potential to own a dog and move my grand piano down here, be closer to where my friends live and live in the community that I will soon be serving in ministry.
I feel like I have a lot on my plate to think about, and maybe this would be a good change for me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2005
Authenticity
I think Sunday's music at church was one of the best sets the band has put together in a long time. I don't know what was going on, but the music was awesome! We were all energetic, loose, and really worked well together. It is always more fun when the band rocks!
The sermon really made me think. Ryan challenged me to be a part of his prayer and fasting ministry team, and I was a tad reluctant because I guess I'm scared of committment. Although, if I commit to something, I do it, whatever it is.
So this Sunday, the pastor talked about Isaiah 58:1-12 and what the difference is between authentic faith and inauthentic faith. This particular passage highlights the difference between fasting and praying out of obligation verses sincerity of heart.
This sermon really challenged me to look at my life and the things I really care about. My priorities reveal the true intentions of my heart and if I'm honest with myself, I really don't see myself caring about the things that God cares about. This needs to change. Slowly but surely, I'll get there...only because of the grace of God.
The sermon really made me think. Ryan challenged me to be a part of his prayer and fasting ministry team, and I was a tad reluctant because I guess I'm scared of committment. Although, if I commit to something, I do it, whatever it is.
So this Sunday, the pastor talked about Isaiah 58:1-12 and what the difference is between authentic faith and inauthentic faith. This particular passage highlights the difference between fasting and praying out of obligation verses sincerity of heart.
This sermon really challenged me to look at my life and the things I really care about. My priorities reveal the true intentions of my heart and if I'm honest with myself, I really don't see myself caring about the things that God cares about. This needs to change. Slowly but surely, I'll get there...only because of the grace of God.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Common Cold
It always amazes me how much a common cold can really wipe me out. I've had this cold for nine days now, and I'm still not feeling very good. I have no energy to do anything. I tried to stay home and fight it for about five days, but it didn't work. I can't wait to go home from work after today because I can just stay home all weekend and try to heal. Plus I have been falling behind at my job because one of my student assistants quit, so now I'm doing all her work and mine and I'm trying to hire a new student. It's going to be a tough decision!
Friday, January 07, 2005
Learning to let go
I'm feeling kind of sick. Nothing like a winter cold to remind me of my frailty, and how thankful I am for my decent health. I have to deal with a few back problems every once in a while, but I usually only get sick once or twice a year. This could be the result of post-holiday let-down.
Holidays always stress me out because my mom gets supersensitive. This year's annual breakdown occurred at the Christmas Eve service at my old church. My siblings and I went with my mom to the service. Then my dad shows up with my step-mom. At first, they were sitting next to us, so my mom really couldn't see them. Then they moved and sat right in front of us and started snuggling relentlessly. It became too much for my mom who decided she couldn't take it anymore and left. Then my sister followed her. Then I left to try and find them in the middle of the service. No luck. I was worried and angry. We eventually did meet up after the service, but the damage had been done.
I was mad at my dad for such a visual display of PDA in front of my mom. He even asked us what was wrong and where she went. He had no idea that it was his behavior that caused her departure. My brother and I lied to my dad and told him we didn't know what was wrong even though we did. I don't even like to be in the same place with both of my parents. I had an opportunity to talk to my mom later about what happened. I told her that I thought that if she was truly content with the way she was living her life, then their behavior shouldn't bother her as much as it does. It's like she needs acknowledgement from them but I don't understand why. My step-mom will never be her friend again, and there will be no opportunity of a second chance for her with my dad.
I might have been able to get through to her this time...I wish she could just let it go.
Holidays always stress me out because my mom gets supersensitive. This year's annual breakdown occurred at the Christmas Eve service at my old church. My siblings and I went with my mom to the service. Then my dad shows up with my step-mom. At first, they were sitting next to us, so my mom really couldn't see them. Then they moved and sat right in front of us and started snuggling relentlessly. It became too much for my mom who decided she couldn't take it anymore and left. Then my sister followed her. Then I left to try and find them in the middle of the service. No luck. I was worried and angry. We eventually did meet up after the service, but the damage had been done.
I was mad at my dad for such a visual display of PDA in front of my mom. He even asked us what was wrong and where she went. He had no idea that it was his behavior that caused her departure. My brother and I lied to my dad and told him we didn't know what was wrong even though we did. I don't even like to be in the same place with both of my parents. I had an opportunity to talk to my mom later about what happened. I told her that I thought that if she was truly content with the way she was living her life, then their behavior shouldn't bother her as much as it does. It's like she needs acknowledgement from them but I don't understand why. My step-mom will never be her friend again, and there will be no opportunity of a second chance for her with my dad.
I might have been able to get through to her this time...I wish she could just let it go.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)