Musical Dreams

I suppose that one of the dreams I entertain that seems rather impossible to attain is the one in which I get to jam out on cello with musicians from my favorite bands. You know, the ones who have multiple albums and national or world recognition. I would love to have those people in my living room and make music with them.

Well, I sort of had a taste of that last weekend. I went to a retreat and brought my cello because I needed to practice Dvorak's 6th Symphony for the orchestra I'm in. It is a challenging piece, but one I know I can learn well before I have to perform it.

The speaker at this retreat turned out to be THAT kind of musician. We got to play together, just the two of us, on a little deck overlooking a very scenic area of the camp.

Before we started playing, David said to me, "Look at our audience." He pointed to a group of butterflies hanging out in the flowers in front of our stage.

We just played together and then David asked if I would play with him that night at his concert. I said "yes" of course.

As many artists do, I have this complex about being "good enough." I rarely feel like I am. I am constantly comparing myself to other talented musicians. There are so many out there who are more talented than I am, and I can get down on myself for not practicing enough, or having perfect technique, or for not having perfect intonation.

It was a wonderfully affirming experience to play with David for the love of music. We both felt enriched and encouraged for having made music together.

In the end, I think that's what my dream is about-- just playing music for the love of it and feeling affirmed by other talented musicians.

Reading List

Don't just ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. --Howard Thurman

The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet. --Frederick Buechner

"Little girl, what do you want to be when you grow up?" "Alive." --Calvin Miller, The Singer

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A bunch of topics in my life have come together and have informed each other, so to speak. Most of the thinking I've been doing has been in regards to the quotes above. The reading I've done lately also speaks to these topics. I'm just going to give you a short list of books I've read in the last two months that have really made me think about my life-- living authentically, purpose, and change.

Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson
The Singer by Calvin Miller (this one I reread often!)
Soul of a Citizen : Living with Conviction in a Cynical Time by Paul Loeb
Gospel according to Starbucks by Leonard Sweet

I do a lot of reading. If you were to ask me what I'm reading, I always have something. I reread favorites every night before I sleep (but usually ones that aren't that thought provoking...haha) and since I work in a library, I'm always running into interesting books. I don't usually make book lists because my list is constantly changing. I read very quickly, and so what's on my list today probably won't be there in a week. Reading is something I love to do.

So. Perhaps more to come on the topic of authenticity. If you've read any of these books, I'd be interested to hear what you think.

Creativity

You know, when I truly feel at peace with myself, that's when I am the most creative. The ideas just flow, and I experience this sense of awe and wonder at the world we live in. It makes me feel whimsical and playful. I don't often feel this way, but it has been happening more lately. I need to remember to continue to give myself the freedom to create without constraint, without fear or judgment and really let myself enjoy the process. It might be a weekend for creating, if I choose to make the time.

Be generous

Last Sunday, I visited a friend's church. I really enjoyed the service. At the end of it, I was given $20 from one of the elders there and was told to "be generous." I have no idea how I want to give this money away. What would you do? The only parameters are to "be generous."

What I learned at Frog Camp

I had the privilege of attending frog camp this year... the freshman orientation camp at TCU as a staff facilitator. It was a meaningful time for the incoming freshmen. But they aren't the only ones that got to take something away...

I was reminded that it's still important to take time out to be silly and laugh, a lot-- to play in the pool, ride on the water slides, play foosball and run through sprinklers.

I was reminded that it's never too late to see each day as an opportunity to connect with people, to value them, and to listen.

I was reminded that the only regrets I will continue to have are when I refuse to take action toward the changes I want to see in my life or the goals I want to accomplish.

I am really looking forward to the new academic year.

With or without words?

Sequoia Sunset

I decided to try some more collaging tonight. My piece is still drying, but I think I like it... not sure yet. :) So here, it is still wet. I may edit this post later once this is dry.

I based this collage on this picture:

Exciting times

So. I finally bought a newer car. It runs so well. I'm still in the process of figuring out what to do with my old one (that doesn't run). I went to Bethany, OK with a friend of mine. We stayed with her Aunt and Uncle up there. Her Uncle, Doug, knows everyone in town up there, and he knew I was looking for something. He had scouted out this car for me and I got a sweet deal on it because he knew the owners. They were so nice! And I didn't feel like I was signing over my life. Anyways. I'm waiting to get the title in the mail and then I can get it registered.

Sometimes I have these fleeting fantasies about having my close friends in town. I wish I could live in the same town as my friend Laurel. We are friends from college, and we came close once. She lived in L.A. and I lived in L.A. County. I'm sad we didn't see each other more and now we live REALLY far away from each other. Laurel, don't you want to move to TX???  Haha. Anyways, my friend Tara called me today and guess what? She and her husband are moving here next month! I can't believe it! We met each other in San Diego and I got to watch her fall in love and get married to her husband. He got a job here and it was sort of a 1 in 5 chance that he would get this particular job. Tara asked me about my complex (which I love) and so not only are they moving here, but they might be my neighbors. I am so excited!

Losing things, like my mind

I have a lot going on in my life right now. When I go silent on the blog, it usually means my mind is working overtime. My car, the trusty 1995 Mercury Tracer, has finally died. It has served me well over the years, but the time has come for me to get a newer car. The timing isn't great, since I do not feel like I'm in the best financial position to get something right now. However, I do need reliable transportation. Mostly because I do earn extra income from teaching lessons and performing.

Because my car is essentially dead (I do not feel safe driving it), I have been using my bike as my main mode of transportation. This has been great! I get my workout in for the day riding to work and back (about 12 miles round trip). I tried taking the front wheel off and back on (got a ride from someone) and when I went to put the wheel back on, I couldn't get it on! So I had to take it to the bike shop, which I did today. Turns out I wasn't just an idiot, something had gone wrong with the slot where the tire is supposed to go. All fixed now, thankfully.

However, because of this whole car/transportation situation, I have a lot on my mind. Whenever I am subconsciously stressed out, I start losing track of things that I normally do not lose track of, like my wallet. I have lost it twice in the last two weeks. The first time, I knew I dropped it at work somewhere, but it was missing long enough that I decided to replace my credit cards. Then a coworker found it. I had dropped it under the service desk chair that we all use. I was so relieved!

Then I lost it again last night. That was much worse. A friend of mine is visiting from California, and we went to the Rangers/Angels game last night. That's where I lost my wallet. I realized it was missing as we were leaving. It took me some time to retrace my steps and then ask where lost and found was located. Thankfully, someone turned it in. I apparently dropped it in the bathroom.

I am so relieved that there are still honest people in this world. So glad I have my wallet.

Touring

I just got back from a fun little road trip. Went on a "mini-tour" with Vanessa Peters. It was so fun! First, we went to Dosey Doe's, a venue in the outskirts of Houston. We got to play in an old barn. It had been moved there from Kansas and the sound set-up was amazing! My cello has never sounded better.

The next night, we played at a hotel lounge in Austin. That's the kind of show where no one really listens. We considered it (jokingly) a paid rehearsal. It was our best show yet, which is kind of sad really, because no one was really there or watching. And what I mean by "best show" is that we were the most together we've been of all the times we played together.

Our ride was a volkswagon stationwagon, and we got a PA system, two guitars, a keyboard + stand, my cello, a bass drum, snare drum, hi-hat, our luggage, miscellaneous gear, and three people in the wagon. It was amazing!

I had a really good time "on tour" and hope to do it again someday.

Summer Travels

I did want to write about my summer travels. I went back to CA in June to go to a wedding for a friend of mine in San Diego. It was beautiful, and I'm so glad I got to go back and see most of my friends. I got to go to Woodstocks with a bunch of people I love, and it sort of turned into a reunion, because many of them hadn't seen each other in awhile either. It was a good time to catch up, chill, and enjoy some awesome pizza! I also got to spend a few nights with one of my sisters.

Since she and her husband are both youth ministers, I was informed that they were doing a car wash fundraiser on the Saturday I was staying with them. So I washed a bunch of cars and got an awesome flip-flop tan line on my feet.

Some other highlights included seeing Kenny, who made a special effort to get down to SD from Irvine to spend some time with me, staying with my friend Beryl and having breakfast near the beach before my flight left, and visiting my old coworkers in Point Loma.

Then I flew to Fresno to spend some time with my two brothers, my sister-in-law, and my new nephew! He was born about a week before I got to Fresno. I stayed with my other brother and his roommates. That was really fun. I also made a new friend! Adam (my brother) recently rented a room to one of his old friends, Brad. Brad had recently been accepted to a medical residency program in the area and needed a place to stay. My brother is so nice. Also, Brad had been recently married, so I got to meet his wife since she came to stay with him that weekend. We spent a good amount of time together and I'm glad I have a new friend!

On the day I was supposed to leave Fresno to fly back to Texas, my brother's dog had to go to the vet. Turned out he had a nasty staph infection. This delayed the time I was supposed to get to the airport. My brother's roommate, Nate, agreed to take me. We used the GPS on his phone to get there, only it took us to the wrong location. Bottom line: I totally missed my flight. But, not a big deal, I was able to get on standby for the next day, and I didn't have to be at work for two days.

Well, the next day came, and the flight got majorly delayed, and then ultimately, canceled. Since I was already flying standby, I got bumped to the end of the line. I finally got out of Fresno three days later. Ironically, I both dropped off Adam and Nate at the airport the night I missed my flight and picked up Adam when he arrived back in town. I'm glad I had family in town, but on the whole, this was a very frustrating experience. I was so relieved to get back to Texas!

Vacation

What a trip! I just got back from my vacation to California, to the lovely cities of San Diego and Fresno. I had a great time-- got to see most of the people I wanted to see and went to a wedding, which was fun and beautiful. I got to attend this one, I didn't have to play cello at this wedding.

I also got to meet my new nephew who was born on June 18. Welcome to the world, Hudson! He looks exactly like my brother did (his daddy) at birth.

My vacation was a very nice break from life, though I find that how I'm back, I feel like I'm trying to play catch-up, and get my life together, for really good reasons.

Since I've been in Texas, I've been working on building up a community of musicians, and a music network. I've been working on making connections, for both teaching cello lessons and performing. All my hard work is paying off! I met a great musician here in DFW, Vanessa Peters, and I will be playing with her for three shows this month in Dallas, Houston, and Austin. I get to go on my very first mini-tour! (If you can call two shows a tour, haha!). I am really looking forward to these gigs, Vanessa is a great musician and a fun person to be around.

I have been working on finding students to teach. My goal has been to find four students, and right now, I have three. One more to go! So if any of you are interested in lessons... uh, let me know. Comments.

What this means is that I have been having to seriously work on my scheduling abilities.
(I will not double book,
I will not double book,
I will not double book...)

I'm finding that I now must practice a lot of new music so I'm also working on scheduling personal practice sessions. Practicing music is a lot like choosing to exercise for me. I never feel like doing either, but I know it's good for me, and I'll feel better after I do it.

Art Experiments: 4

So, I was playing around with images, washes, and paper today. Then I realized that these images were much more interesting when I put them all together.This picture makes them look a little better (brighter) than they actually are. I am more inclined to throw these ones out than to keep them, but at the same time, I could also choose to use them in a future project.

Homesick

I'm feeling a little homesick and lonely this week. Nothing helps a little homesickness like reviewing pictures with friends and family. Here's a spectacular sunset that I got to see with friends back in January in San Diego. This is at Coronado Beach.

Tissue and glue...sort of...

My two favorite experimental results from tonight's art experiments. Playing with different kinds of paper and medium matte. Fun! Obviously, I liked the tissue paper best, though I also used some cardstock for each of these as well. I like the texture the tissue paper creates.

Swatches

Okay, so the experiment here was to just go through a bunch of magazines and find colors that you like, glue the "swatches" to paper, and then see what colors you tend to use the most. I found this to be an interesting exercise. I must admit, I do really like bold colors, red, yellow, orange, but I also really like the cool ones-- blues and greens. Most of my house is decorated in shades of green (my favorite color).

Art Experiments

I bought this art book a few weeks ago and it has experiments to try. So I tried one yesterday.

Church Search: Update

These last two months, I have visited six different churches. I am really drawn to one of them in particular, but there's this guy who goes there that I know, and I'm not very comfortable interacting with him. I feel like there are very few people I feel skeptical about, and he is one of them. I really like this church. But it's too small to avoid interacting with this guy. I feel really stupid or something for reacting this way, but I need to feel safe and comfortable wherever I decide to attend.

The church I currently attend comes in second to this one, and I've nearly convinced myself that it's where I want to be. My reasons for looking beyond this church were because I didn't feel like the community I wanted existed there, however, I feel like they are slowly improving in that area. I know that I could help facilitate that change, if I choose to be there.

But I'm still feeling uncertain. I am indecisive. Tired of trying new things. Tired of feeling like I'm in transition. I feel like the list of churches I came up with were the best possible options in town. I'm still sort of feeling like I still haven't found what I'm looking for... and I'm a little scared it doesn't really exist.

Should I disregard the weird guy at church and attend the church that I felt was the best fit for me at church #1 (am I being dumb?)? Choose to make a difference at church#2? Or try some more churches (potential church #3)?

I feel so confused...

Thoughts about and experiments in Christian meditation

One of the ideas frequently mentioned in the Bible is that of mediation. Just a few examples:

Do not let this book of the law depart from your mouth, meditate on it day and night...

Give ear to my words, Oh Lord, Consider my meditation...

I often feel like one of those hypocritical Christians because I pray so rarely. It often feels beyond my comprehension to sit down and "connect" to an entity that I do not fully understand. What I DO know is that I long for this connection, and that I am very out of practice in my ability to pray and/or meditate.

As I re-read the chapter on meditation in Richard Foster's Celebration of Discipline, I was reminded that people learn meditation by meditating. Christian meditation is really about making space to experience the presence of God. Foster writes:

What happens in meditation is that we create the emotional and spiritual space which allows Christ to construct an inner sanctuary in the heart (20).

Foster also makes a great connection between meditation and imagination. He writes:

Perhaps some rare individuals experience God through abstract contemplation alone, but most of us need to be more deeply rooted in our senses...Even more, the imagination helps to anchor our thoughts and center our attention (25).

One of the things I've realized lately is that I am also out of practice in using my imagination. For a long time, I have been squashing my dreams, hopes, and thus, also my creativity. Most people I know would describe me as a creative person, and being creative is something that I would say I value. However, I am experiencing a gap in my life (at the moment) in this area. The reality is that I am unable to be creative without using my imagination. It should come as no surprise then, that I've found I have difficulty being creative and finding things that inspire my creativity. I'm not certain what commentary in the world I've been listening to, but it hasn't been very positive or validating. Somehow, I have let the "voices in my head" tell me that imagining is silly, unproductive and a waste of time.

The truth is, that those who are the most imaginative and those who are the dreamers are really those who can most make a difference in the world if they choose to do so.

I think I'm ready to dust off my rusty imagination and see what may come of it. That, and start practicing some meditation in my life.

Camp!

I'm kind of excited because I recently met the assistant director of student development at the university where I work and he suggested I apply to be a staff partner for their camps for incoming students. So I signed up this week! I'm very excited. The particular camp I'm attending is a weekend long challenge competition. It's gonna be fun!

Church Search

I visited not one but TWO churches on Sunday last week. The first was because they asked me to come play cello, which I did.

Then I went to another service after that at another church. That's an interesting story. As I was doing my research for churches, I came across one where I couldn't find the service times listed anywhere on their website. If it had been my website, I would have wanted to know that this information was missing. So I emailed the church through their contact form to ask them what time they meet and hinted that the service times were missing. The helpful receptionist responded with the service times. When I checked the website again, the times still weren't on the web page.

I sort of forgot about it for a week or two, until another friend and I were talking about web usability, and I told her about this church's website. After we talked, I was like, "I'm emailing them, they need to know!" So I looked at their staff page and emailed the guy who's job description and bio most closely resembled that of a web master. Well, he immediately responded back. He got the times up on the site. As a result of this incident, we started writing a bit more back and forth. The church I visited on Sunday was the one that he attends. I think I've made a new friend.

All that to say I'm surprised sometimes by how friendships form.

Visiting

So I just got back from church. It was my first time trying something different since last July. The service was more my style, so I felt relieved that there's something out there that I like. However, I'm also feeling guilty for leaving my old one. I've told two people there that I was considering trying out some other churches. Also, now I have to decide whether to try out the other churches on my list or keep going back to this one for a bit. I think I'm leaning more toward checking out the others on my list and then making a decision. However, it's such a lonely process.

I was thinking about how there's this regular article in the free magazine in San Diego. There's an anonymous writer who goes to a different church every week and rates it based on a scale that he or she created. Maybe I should create my own rating system?

I'm trying to prepare myself for at least a month of awkwardness, and then I'm trying to tell myself that "no, it's NOT awkward, it's an adventure!" It's all about perspective, right?

Jokes, in honor of tax day

I was just rewatching a video I took of my friend Laurel's kid last year. I had totally forgotten these jokes that she and her husband taught her, and I think it's more her husband really. This kid was about 3 at the time I took the video. Though I do not have strong political leanings,  it was really funny to hear these answers come out of her mouth:

What do cows say?
"Moo"
What else do cows say?
"Sizzle, sizzle"
What do Republicans say?
"No taxes!"
What do Democrats say?
"Hee haw"

Hope you enjoy these.

Cellist for hire

If you haven't figured it out already from reading my blog, I play the cello, and I really love playing. If you live in the Dallas or Fort Worth area, I would love to play for your next event. I have over 20 years of experience as a musician.

I have played for many weddings, parties, and bands over the years, and it's been really fun. Of all the things I do musically, playing for events is what I love the most. I love the camaraderie  with my fellow musicians and making the music sound great. Live music really adds a bit of class to these events.

I used to live in San Diego, and that's where these pictures were taken-- for my sister's wedding! It was at the beach, and it was a perfect day.

Now that I have lived in Texas for a bit, I have met other musicians in town-- guitarists and other string players, so I can put an ensemble together if you want as well. If you're interested, you can email me at elegantcellist at gmail dot com. Seriously. It would be a pleasure.

More weird dreams!

In my dream, I was spending some time with a friend of mine. I knew who this person was, but he did not look anything like what he looks like in real life. His essence was the same as what I knew though. So weird.

Resistance

Today at the chiropractor, I got to do some resistance training with bungee cords. I have not done any weight training for the last 2 years. The funny part of this is that my right arm is WAY weaker than my left. I blame the cello.

PS: I am right-handed.

Serving

I was just thinking about a comment someone made to me recently. He said, "you're brave to let your church know you have a talent."

I don't feel brave, I feel called to use my talents in service. If my talent is something that God has given me, and something that I'm passionate about, then using this gift and serving the church isn't a burden, it's more like something I can't help but do. Service becomes something I can't resist.

Anyone feel the same? Different? I'm curious.

Audition Update

So when I went to audition, the auditioner did not show up. She wrote down the wrong date. Also, my parents happened to be in town last weekend, and I felt bad because I had to practice for about five hours while they were here. I managed to reschedule my audition for last Monday night. I played some Bach, Brahms, and Mozart. You know, the classics. I gotta say, I was thinking that I wasn't going to play the Mozart piece but had been practicing it. Just go google "Marriage of Figaro" and you'll see why I was nervous about playing it. I played just the very first part. I did not feel like I played very well, but I told the auditioners that and mentioned that though I didn't play as well as I thought I could, I am a team player and I practice. All that to say that they let me in! I'm so excited. First concert: March 14. That's soon! I will be in a lot of rehearsals next week, but I'm SO looking forward to them.

Audition!

I am freaking out a little...

I had been told that there was a group of "hotshots" in an orchestra in Fort Worth. I checked out their website only to find that they had no spots open for cellists. However, I was looking on Craigslist yesterday, and saw that they had put an ad up for auditions. Problem was they were last weekend. Well, I emailed them anyway to find out if they would still let me try out. The good news is yes, they will. The bad news is that my audition is this weekend. I am SO not prepared. I practiced some Bach this morning to start preparing. I'm thankful that I have performed some solos in the last year, so I am not having to relearn anything, more just pick it up and brush it off. I also have to play three orchestral excerpts. I have not practiced seriously for orchestral stuff in a while. Thankfully, the library where I work has one book of orchestral excerpts for cello. Now all I have to do is pick three of them to practice and play. Oh yeah, and I get to try to practice these and audition with my parents in town. Good times.

I really, really, want to get into this orchestra. I'm really, really, trying not to get my hopes up. I fear the disappointment of rejection. Which is very possible. I have NEVER passed an orchestral audition on the first try.

Tree Climbing

Churches

I have been attending the same church for about six months now, and though I like it, I have come to the conclusion that it may not be the best fit for me. It seems so hard to decide that I need to go looking again, but it is important to me to find a place that makes me feel "at home."

It has been hard for me to figure out exactly what it is that is causing me to not fully commit to the church I'm currently attending, but have realized after some clarifying conversations that I need to find "my people" at church-- the ones who like to ask questions, be creative, explore scripture in depth, and feel comfortable with deep conversations. I can say with gratitude that I have made some friends at this church, friends that will become better friends as time passes. But before I decide that this church is where I want to be, I need to see if there might be a church out there that better fits me. I feel kind of weird saying that.

I am grateful that I do have the opportunity to choose where I attend. That was made abundantly clear to me, by a service in a very small town, that was close to the only option people had to attend. I'm thankful for the option to look, and I'm hoping that in the end, I will find my place.

I'm curious about what people think about this idea of looking for a church... What do people look for in their churches? How do you feel about the process?

Service Project

I just got back from a service project in Oklahoma. I'm tired, and I really don't want to go back to work tomorrow. I went with a small group from church to a residential school for boys. We were given the task of tearing down the siding of a shed, and then rebuilding it. In that process, we also cleaned out the inside of the shed by pulling everything out, trashing the stuff that needed to be trashed, and putting everything back inside. It looks a lot better. Things I did this weekend on this trip included:

• Digging ditches
• Raking dirt
• Lifting heavy stuff-- like plywood and concrete
• Wrapping power cords correctly
• Tree-climbing
• Dumping stuff in dumpsters
• Making faces at the camera guy
• Entertaining people with my guitar playing skills (or lack thereof)
• Eating lots of beef

Pictures will surface eventually. I did not take my camera, but lots of other people did take theirs. It was a really good trip. I loved the working, conversing, the road trip, the getting to know people better. It was all good. I love all the open spaces that we drove through, and in the end, it was refreshing to get away to a beautiful place this weekend.

Trusting

For once, I had a dream that wasn't related to anxiety. I dreamed I was leading worship for elementary aged children, and there were a lot of them. I was playing my guitar and singing a song that is word for word Proverbs 3:5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight. I sang this song at least five times. The last time I sang it live was probably sometime last March.

I have been feeling a bit restless about life this week. This dream was a good reminder to just take a break-- create space, breathe, meditate, and trust.

Playing Hookie

I was at breakfast yesterday when I got a call from my coworker and friend, Laura. I ignored it and called her back a little later. When she answered the phone, this is the conversation we had:

Me: Hey Laura, what's up?
L, anxiously: Oh good! You're alive!
Me: What?
L: Well, are you coming in [to work]?
Me: The library is open today???
L: Well, yeah.
Me: What??? It's President's day...
L: Well, we're open.
Me (sheepish and resigned): I guess I'll be taking a vacation day.

I have had President's Day off every year for about 30 years. I assumed that I had the day off here as well. I was wrong. I felt so lame for not going in. The funny part is that I think I would have figured this out if we hadn't had the two snow days last week.

I had a really fun day off though, and had a five day weekend last weekend. So I do not regret it one bit.

Snow Day!

I woke up this morning at about 6am as a result of a text message from the campus alert system. Campus is closed! Today and tomorrow! Although I found out about the closure for tomorrow about an hour ago. It has been snowing since early this morning in Fort Worth, and according to the news, this is the largest snowfall they've had in 30 years. I just went to check out the trail behind my apartment complex and it's pretty! I took some pictures so you could see.

Intensity

I don't know why, but I'm feeling intense about life in general, but when I try to pinpoint what exactly this is about, I can't name any one particular thing. Things are going well, you see, so I feel like I really shouldn't be feeling this way. I'm just going to say that "intensity" feels a little like anxiety, but the two feelings are different. I don't feel like I'm anxious, just intense. I realize this is a weird post.

Support

As of late, I have been jogging weekly with a friend of mine. I have noticed that when we're running together, I'm able to run faster and farther than if I were to run by myself. When we jog, I'm able to go three miles, and sometimes more. But this morning, I got up and went for a jog, but I was so tired that I couldn't even run a quarter of a mile without stopping.

There's this story in the Bible about Elijah-- with the strength of the Lord, he is able to run 40 miles, from one city to another. Later, he tries to run away from Jezebel, this evil queen, and he can't even get more than a few miles away, because he tries to do it outside of the strength of God.

I guess I've just been thinking about that and how much more I am able to accomplish with God's help, and the support of others around me.

Hey you... Listen up!

I've been loving the sermon series this month at my church. I kind of feel like I'm really going to commit to going there.

Last week, what I remember from the sermon is the part about Christian meditation. I think it was about connecting with God. I had just re-read the chapter on meditation from Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and the pastor talked about that in the sermon!

I've been realizing that it is important for me to go walk, pray, and meditate, which really means focusing on God, listening for his voice, or dwelling on the promises he has given me. I find that when I practice this, I feel more grounded and peaceful. However, it is really hard for me to make this a priority. I often feel like I don't have time. But I need to make time.

This week, the sermon was about whether coincidences really are coincidences or whether they are really acts of God. I have had a few experiences where I know that the "coincidences" in my life really were directed by God.

Recently, I thought it was interesting that I had been thinking about meditation, and what that really means, or looks like, read the chapter by Foster, and then heard a sermon. I think there's something to that repetition... God is trying to tell me something... hopefully I'm listening.

A cello walks into a bar...

I taught my first cello lesson last Sunday, and then went to watch the Chargers game with some friends at a bar. Well, I took the cello into the bar with me because I generally don't like leaving it in my car. The bar was empty on our side because everyone had been watching the Cowboys game (of course) and had cleared out. No one really cares too much about the Chargers here. I'm not surprised by this.

During the third quarter of the game, this guy comes up to me, asks me if my instrument is a cello, and then tells me he's a cellist. I'm immediately skeptical for a number of reasons:

1. He's slightly intoxicated
2. He asked what instrument was in the case...if he was a cellist, he would have said something like, "How long have you played the cello?"
3. He was guarded in answering all the questions I asked him about playing the cello.

Well, then he sits down and pretends to play, and that's when I know for sure that while he may be a "playa," he's definitely not a player. His technique on air cello--not so good.

Turns out that most of the people at the bar were in the other room and made a bet with this guy that I wouldn't let him play my cello. He admits this, and then asks if I would play. Pretty soon, a bunch of people from the other room walk in and want to see me play. I'm like, "Seriously? Does this mean I get tips???"

So I got talked into playing and I played three songs. I made $6.00. I will also never forget that day. Ever. It was a memorable experience.

The future, predictable?

I was working on a project for one of the history profs today, and went browsing our reference collection (I work at the library). I found my new favorite reference source. Are you ready? It is the Encyclopedia of the Future! (published in 1996).

I haven't browsed it yet, but I'm sure the future is fascinating. Especially from the context of 1996.

Comments? :)

Fake!

I'm working the evening shift tonight at the library. For dinner, I went to my favorite taco place. I could have sworn I heard them playing Milli Vanilli on the radio as I left... "Girl, you know it's true/ooo ooo ooo, I love you..." So weird to be hearing a song that was a hit and yet diminished in it's status as a result of the controversy surrounding the group...

Crafty!

I realized I really needed to get some artwork up in my bathroom because it is very neutral. After going to a number of crafty-type stores today, I knew I was going to have to make my own. It always amazes me that my initial idea always morphs into something cool and different. So here's what I made today. The angle is weird cause I didn't want the lights reflecting off of the glass in the frame:


So this is kind of funny to me, because it is still too neutral. Oh well. It looks cool. I was going to use the part I cut out on top of some other, more colorful paper, and then changed my mind because the inverse looked neat. Anyways.

Vacation

I'm at my sister's place in San Diego. I was going to go for a jog this morning in the lovely Cali sunshiny weather, but I ran out of time. I'm waiting for my friend to come pick me up. I think we're going to go for a walk and then have lunch after. I miss my friends here so much. I'm committed to staying in Texas for awhile. I'm not moving back to CA anytime soon. Part of my homesickness is dealing with that idea.

I am making new friends in Texas, but I'm feeling that it takes a lot of time to develop the deepness that I crave in friendships. So I have made some friends in Texas that I think will become good friends, but it is going to take me some time to work on them.

Hide and seek

I'm still on vacation, and it's nice. I've been all up and down the California coast. I have lots of stories from this trip already and it isn't over yet.

I got to go to Big Bear with the fam. I have an eight year old niece, and she, like most little kids, wants to play all the time. My three sisters offered to play hide and seek with her while the rest of us were hangin' out in the living room. I was sitting by the fire and watching TV in the middle of the game when my sister Megan comes up to me and says, "Quick! Give me your sweater and hat!" I was like, "Okay..." so I gave her the sweater and hat. Then she says, "Now GO HIDE!" So I did. The count was to 30, and my niece was on 20 when I had to go hide. So I ran to the closet and hid in there. Well, apparently, my niece walked right by Megan, and then came to the closet where I was hiding. She opened the door and I said, "Hi!" and scared her. My niece says, "Hey, you weren't playing this game, were you?" Meanwhile, my other sister, who was helping my niece find people starts laughing. We all walk back into the living room where Megan is wearing my hat and my sweater and doing a great job looking like me. We are seven years apart, but we we look a lot alike. We have always looked alike even though there are a lot of years between us and we have the same build. My niece still didn't figure it out even with both of us in the same room. My step-mom had to cover her face with a pillow to keep from laughing out loud.

I'm not sure that Megan and I could ever pull this trick again, but it was so funny that she was able to hide in plain sight.

Ipod

I'm getting ready to fly back to see my family in CA, so I'm doing my laundry, packing, cleaning, and what do I do? I wash my ipod. SO BUMMED! I'm so tempted to just go buy a new one, even though it's out of my budget right now. Sadness.

Cello-ing in Texas

What a week. I went to the TCU vs. Utah game. This game was really big. Biggest crowd in the stadium, best ranking ever for TCU, they are having a magical season.

Today, I played cello at a wedding in the Japanese Gardens in Fort Worth. What a beautiful place! I wish I had taken my camera, as I got in free and we had a little bit of time to explore before the guests arrived. The weather was great this morning, but the clouds started rolling in at about 3:15pm, exactly when we were supposed to start playing. The officiant was great, and even sang an a capella version of "At Last" to the bride and groom. She noticed that a downpour was becoming more likely by the minute, so this was probably the FASTEST ceremony I've ever done. As we finished playing the traditional bridal recessional, it started to drizzle. It felt weird putting away my cello before playing any more, but my violinist friend was like, Robyn, it's starting to rain, PUT YOUR INSTRUMENT AWAY! Sure enough, after we quickly packed up and headed to the parking lot, it started to pour. At least we got through everything we were supposed to.

As we were heading out, this thirteen year-old kid started talking to us about music. Apparently, he played bass, and really wanted to connect with us. He was so excited and cute in that eager thirteen year-old kind-of way. I asked him a little about his experience and told him to talk his parents into lessons. I love it when kids are excited about music. I hope he continues to be excited about music.

Football

I played in 2 shows this weekend, and netted about $80 in tips!

On the way to the second show on Saturday night, I called my brother because there was a big TCU game on, and I was driving, so I couldn't watch:

Adam: Yeah TCU!
Me (confused): Hey, um, what? I'm not watching the game...
Adam: What? I thought you were watching the game and called me because they just scored!
Me: That's awesome! No, I'm not watching the game because I am on my way to play at a show. I was calling to see if you could text me periodic score updates
Adam: Yes. The score is 14-0. I'll text you.
Me: Okay, thanks! Bye!
Adam: Love you! Bye!

TCU won, and I thought it was a funny coincidence that I called my brother right after a touchdown.

What was NOT funny was the fact that I got pulled over for the second time this week for non-moving violations. The first was because I didn't have my front plate on. The second was because my headlight was out.

Are the cops in Texas bored or something? I'm seriously aggravated.

So I spent Sunday afternoon trying to fix everything on my car that needed to be fixed. Done. Hopefully I won't get pulled over again for awhile.

What I did last Saturday

I woke up really late. I had a bad sleep night, and did not fall asleep until about 2am. I did not set an alarm and woke up at 9:45am. My two goals that day were to get my phone mailed and to get to the state fair.

My phone broke last week. The frame bent and the navigation buttons kept falling out. Thankfully I know myself and my tendency to break things, so I have phone insurance. Called them up and they fedexed me a new one overnight. I just had to send mine back to them within 10 days. So I finally packaged it up and went to the post office. Unfortunately for me, there was no one at the counter so I had to put it in the mail box. I took a look inside to try and measure with my eyes whether my box would fit. I thought it would, so I sent it down the chute. Also unfortunately, I've always had trouble with depth perception, so although the box went into the chute, it would not slide out. It was stuck in the mail chute, and there was nothing I could do. I'm assuming that this sort of thing happens on a regular basis, so I wasn't that concerned, but I was still slightly embarassed even though there was only one other lady who saw me do it. I'm also fairly certain that I will never see her again.

With me on the trip to the post office were the girls who were going to the fair with me. It was their idea to go to the fair. Their goal at the fair was to try the "best of" fried foods. And we did. That was pretty fun and way more affordable when you have a bunch of people to split things with. We tried fried peanut butter cup macaroons, fried coke, green goblins (fried chicken, cheese and jalepeno), fried pork chips, fried pecan pie, fried yams on a stick, fried shrimp on skewers, and fried peaches. Two of the girls tried the fried butter. That was actually their favorite fried thing! I personally liked the peaches the best.

Me and butter don't get along so well... one time in Jr. High at camp, I took part in a game that involved eating an unknown food item. Mine turned out to be a cube of butter. It made me feel really sick and I've never been able to eat a lot of it since. If I think too much about it, it triggers my gag reflex. Therefore, I was completely uninterested in trying it.

We also took the opportunity to attend a dog show while at the fair. The show that worked the best with our schedule was "Freestyle dancing with your dog." It was fun, but I don't get it. Yes, the dogs are well trained. But they have no sense of rhythm. If you're gonna call it dancing, then let's do it with the beat. Okay? Okay.

It was a pretty fun day.

Musician Frustration

One of the most frustrating things about living here in Fort Worth is trying to make some money as a paid musician. I was making decent money on the side playing music and now I'm starting over. I just don't know enough people to make my profit back. Everyone tells me it just takes time. This is true, but I am trying to accelerate the process. However, I think I've hit my wall. I feel like I have done everything I can. I'm out of ideas short of trying to approach strangers, which I hate doing, and to a certain extent, will not do.

I feel like recessions are particularly difficult for artists, but ESPECIALLY musicians, since live music is sort of this intangible product. With art, the results are tangible (unless it is performance art) and artists can just hold onto their pieces until people start buying again. With live music, people just can't afford to pay for it.

I'm feeling discouraged.

Untitled (for now)

Drivin' home

I was just in a crazy storm last night. I had to drive home in the middle of it. The route I normally take was sort of flooded, and there was rain and lightening all around. I disliked the experience.

Music fun!

I have had a great couple of weeks. Creating that collage really unlocked my creativity, and my ideas are starting to flow again. I've been hiking, playing music, and recording. I have also been teaching people about the library at work. So I've been doing a lot of things that I enjoy, and it is amazing how much of a difference that makes in my well-being.

I am excited about October, which is my favorite month, because my sister is coming to visit and I have two or three gigs lined up with a guitar player I know. I'm really excited because I think he's talented, because he is serious about the music and because he is letting me be a part of it.

You know, as a musician, most of the time I feel that I don't play all that well. The guitarist sent me a live recording of what we worked on last week, and I'm amazed. I was in tune the whole time! Which honestly, was more than I expected. I'm surprised that we sound so good together. I rarely "hear" myself live, mostly because I'm caught up in the moment and anxious about playing things right. But in hearing that recording, I realized that I am a good musician. I know, I know, you would all tell me that I AM a good musician, and not that I don't believe you, but I still doubt myself frequently. All that to say I'm starting to embrace my identity as a "professional musician" which still sounds weird to me, but that's what I am.

Also, on Monday, I got to do some vocal recordings, one of my original songs, a song that my recording friend wrote wherein he needed female backing vocals, and a cover of Bizarre Love Triangle by New Order which has the chorus:

everytime I see you fallin'
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say

Basically, my friend decided to record guitar, piano, and bass to cover this song, and then informed me that I needed to sing it. He did a great job with it, and I'm really excited to see how it gets remixed with my voice added. It's gonna be good! I'll post it somewhere online when it's done.

Dreams

Conversations 11 - My new doctor

My new doctor: So, tell me, what should I know about you?
Me: Well, I've lost 50 pounds in the last two years.
Doctor: That's quite a chunk!
Me: I feel much better.
Doctor: Your back is probably better too. So tell me, how did you do it?
Me: Diet and exercise.
Doctor (with mock disbelief): Nooo, really?! That works? You lost weight by changing your diet and exercising?
Me (laughing): Well, yes.
Doctor: You should write a book or something.
Me: With all the stuff that's already been written?
Doctor: Well, they always say 'Try this! It really works' and then the diet and exercise part is usually a much smaller section.
Me: So I guess I'm almost where I want to be...I mean, you tell me...
Doctor (looking at a table): You're about how tall? 5'11"?
Me: Yes.
Doctor: 172 and you weighed in at...(checks my chart)...174? Okay, and that's with your clothes, and your heavy necklace, and your shoes...
Me (laughing): Yeah. So now I guess I need to figure out how to eat for maintenance. I've been eating to lose for so long, and now I am going to have to figure that out.
Doctor: Well, you're still going to have to pay attention to your weight a bit.
Me: I know. I can say that am unlikely to gain it back unless I have a terrible injury or something.
Doctor: Well, good job.

On being a hero...sort of

I just turned the news off, and the last thing I heard was that some kid nearly drowned at a lake. He was saved thankfully. It made me sad though, because it is not that hard to help people in the water if you know how to swim well and learn just a few techniques for how to help them, even if you don't have a flotation device. Then I started thinking about what it means to be a hero. And it's funny. I lifeguarded for about seven summers and we, the lifeguards, always used to joke about being a hero whenever we had to jump in to help someone in a panic. We would serenade any guard who had to jump in with either "Wind beneath my wings" or "Hero" by Mariah Carey. The reality is that if we hadn't been there watching, they probably would have drowned.

I can remember learning to how to save people in the water when I was sixteen. I got a job at a local waterpark, and originally was just trying out for a "shallow water" guard. This was due to the fact that you were supposed to be eighteen to work in deeper water. However, the trainers saw me swim a fast 50 better than probably 90% of the other potential lifeguards, and were like, "Okay. Why are you not trying to be a deep water guard?" I said it was because I was too young. They told me it didn't matter and sent me to the deep end to swim a 200 instead. So I passed my swim test and began to train as a deep water guard.

The training was kind of fun and kind of awkward, because we had to practice on each other. Everyone already knew how to swim well. I can remember going to my first shift at the park and being scared witless. I was confused and trying to learn the protocol for what we were doing. I was so scared that I tried to avoid working at the wave cove the first week or two I was there which was difficult, since there were a very small number of deep water guards in comparison to the total number of guards. All the deep water guards worked at the wave cove, but could cover other areas of the park if they were short-handed or if someone asked you to cover for them. Eventually, of course, I had to suck it up and guard the wave cove. I think part of the fear was having to jump off the guard platform without hitting people, and then for me, I was scared that I would do something wrong, or that something really terrible would happen. The truth is that a lifeguard's main job is to PREVENT these kinds of accidents from happening. If you see a weak swimmer, you tell them to stay in the shallow end, if they actually listen to you.

I think a big misunderstanding about people in distress in the water is that they will call for help when they are in trouble. In reality, they have an instinctive panic response that does not allow them to call for help. They aren't thinking about calling for help, they are just trying to breathe, and panicking. This is why you hear about so many children drowning in pools. If you're not watching, they'll just fall or slip under the water and no one will know the difference.

I know that's a pretty serious topic, but I also wanted to say that after a bit of reflection on lifeguarding, I thought it was a fun job. I always played down the hero role, but looking back, I think it was pretty cool. I saved quite a few people just by being present, and by having some training of course. I do sort of still pay attention to what's going on in the pool if I am near it.

Recording!

So I've been playing music with this guy here in town, I might even call him my first non-work friend here. We've been working on playing through some Motown covers and meeting on Tuesdays, usually.

Well, I show up last night, and he says, "So. I've been thinking and I have an idea. I think we should record one of your songs." I was so excited! So we got down a lullaby I wrote. Still have to do the vocals, but it sounds so good! I had fun and I'm so thankful that I have a friend who thinks it is fun to record stuff.

What happens when I can't sleep

Occasionally, when I can't sleep, I write. This might turn into a song:

In the city,
I walk,
There is both light and shadow.
The buildings,
Are tall,
Casting all these shadows.
And I rest,
In the shade in the day,
Where there are shadows.
Like the other lonely, needy, souls,
Who find rest where there are shadows.

I dunno. Interesting idea, yes? I might have it in me to write another verse for this one.

I am now going to drink some decaf tea and try to get at least four hours of sleep. I feel depressed and tired just writing that. With minimal sleep tonight, here's hoping for a good night's sleep tomorrow!

Falling (which happens to me a lot)

So. I just got back from working out in the complex workout room. Toward the end of my workout, I missed a step and nearly fell off the treadmill. I felt like a gymnast as I sort of caught my balance and stuck my landing on the side of the treadmill.

Oh, and by the way, there was one other guy working out. Awesome!

This is so typical.

Almost like the time I tripped down the stairs at Da Kine's, when they used to be in PB. I had a plate of food in one hand and my drink in the other. I was there by myself and fell forward. I managed to save my drink (which didn't have a lid on it thank you very much) and at the very end, lost my main course to the ground. I did this in front of all the surfer fellas. There weren't any other girls on the deck. Again. Awesome. Stories to live by. I did get some nice rug burns from my clothes and ripped a hole in my favorite jeans that time.

At least this time, I was not injured at all.

Artistic Inspirations

I am feeling the need to do something creative this weekend, and I've been thinking about different ideas all day. First of all, the walls in my new apartment are rather large and currently so bare and white. I need to figure out what to put on them. I've got this idea about trying to do something mixed media with some bold colors--red, orange, yellow, and green. Perhaps a collage. I was sort of thinking it would probably have a nature theme.

This led me to start thinking about what I like, and if I had to represent myself in symbols, what would they be. I came up with an interesting list:

• water
• robin (the bird)
• tree
• leaf

These do sort of go together, so that's interesting. I know I'm quite musical, but I didn't come up with anything that represented the music in me. Which I'm okay with for now.

I'm just trying to get in touch with my childlike side that just liked to draw, paint and make animals out of clay. I realize my art may end up looking like a third grader did it, but who says I have to hang it on my wall?

Anyways. Another great idea I saw was to take a word and use it as an inspiration for art work.

So. If you'd like to participate, give me an inspiration. No guarantees I'll use it, but it will help me think of more ways to be creative.

How will the U.S. end?

Who knows? But it is something I've been thinking about lately. I have no idea why, except that I did study the Roman Empire in college, and it failed after 900 years. The U.S. is a relatively young nation, and I wonder if it could last as long as the Roman Empire.

This week, my thoughts were echoed by the writers at Slate who decided to ask the same kinds of questions. With that in mind, I offer this fun diversion: Choose your own Apocalypse! wherein YOU decide how the U.S. might end. Let me know how it goes.

Mr. Encourager

One of the things I like about living where I live is the river trail that's located right behind my apartment complex. It goes for miles. I, of course, can only run about 3 miles at the most on a daily basis, which means I go a mile and a half out and then turn around. I've been doing this nearly everyday, and have started to recognize some of the regulars. I never thought I'd get to that point. But there's the girl with two little non-matching dogs, a few old dudes, the couple with the german shepherd with its back legs in a contraption to help it walk, and the guy who encourages everyone else by telling them, "Good job, you're doing great! Keep it up!"

I have seen this guy nearly every day. We are able to recognize each other especially on "bad weather" days, since on those days, there are fewer people out and about. I personally like these days since the weather on those days feels more like San Diego with a marine layer. However, I realized that it might be a good idea for me to check the weather report before heading out in the morning due to the fact that rain here is most often accompanied by thunder and lightening.

But now I'm curious about Mr. Encourager. He looks like he could have played football in the past, he's about as tall as I am and he's pretty stocky and square. I wonder if he has a coaching background and whether he has ever met a stranger. I have never seen him run on the trail, he is always just walking. Today, I passed him twice, once on my way out and again on the way back. The first time I passed him, he asked me how far I was going. I told him I was going just to the bridge and back. The second time, he gave me a high five and told me to keep it up.

I asked his name (Bill) and I have no idea whether we'll be friends or not, but I'm glad I now know his name.

My moment with Walter Cronkite

As an undergraduate, I majored in History at the University of California, Santa Barbara. All History majors were required to complete a seminar class, in which each student was expected to write at least a 20 page paper. Seminars could be taken on almost any field of history, and I chose to take my seminar in recent US History (1960-present).

Sixteen of us met twice a week and our instructor walked us through the writing process. In class, we got to discuss and critique each others' topics and drafts. One week, our prof announced that Walter Cronkite would be coming to our class. We all kind of looked at each other incredulously... our instructor explained that Cronkite was giving a lecture on campus that night, and wanted to visit a class or two. Since he had been reporting for most of the 20th century, the administration decided that ours would be the best possible class for him to visit.

So Walter Cronkite came to our senior seminar in Recent US History. He asked us each individually to share our topics with him. Then he provided commentary on each of our topics based on his knowledge and experience. What was so great about this experience is that the group was small enough for this personal interaction and that Cronkite was genuinely interested in what we had to say.

I am grateful for the experience.

Musical Networking

This week has been a good one so far... I finally managed to go to a church that had a potluck on Sunday after the service and got to meet some ladies my age. Also, apparently, they have a weekly social--trivia night at a local bar. Awesome. I'm there.

I've also been doing some recording with this guy in town, and he just sent me an email asking if I thought I would be interested in trying to put together some music so we can play around town. My answer to that was a resounding "yes!"

On Monday night, I drove out to Azle, TX to meet up with a violinist. Turns out she lives on a lake! She's lived there for over 20 years. When I got finally got there (got a little lost on the way), she served me some crackers, cheese, grapes, veggies and nuts. It was so nice and again, I felt like I was at a resort or something. We played through some of the music I had. I got the sense that we were both sort of auditioning each other, but I think we're going to get along and that's what counts. She is going to try and see if her next wedding clients might want a cellist too. I hope so. Even though I'm making more than I was at my new job, the extra income would certainly be nice.

Then of course I got lost on the way back. It took me twice as long to get back to my place because I went the wrong way. I still need to learn my freeways.

I have sort of been working at establishing a new community--I set goals for myself and have been trying to network. I feel like I've been putting a lot of time and effort into it, and my efforts are paying off. I'm having some success. It's a good feeling.

I'm kind of thinking I need to get a website or something... people keep asking me if I have one, and it would be nice to get something to showcase the recordings I've done. I just need to come up with a name for it.

Social Networking

So I've been trying to make some friends, and I've put a few ads up on CL, mostly looking for violinists. I'm starting to get responses from people who have no interest in actually responding to my ads, but they want to "help me."

I would like to let those people know: I don't need your help. Now, stop responding to my ads unless you are a violinist and are actually interested in playing music with me.

Seriously. If you don't understand the ad, don't answer it. If you don't meet the qualifications, don't answer it. Just don't. I will ignore you.

Okay, thanks.

Finding People

In case you didn't know, Texas is hot. I've been enjoying the heat. I know. I'm weird.

I'm in the process of trying to find a group or groups of people that share some kind of interest I have... ideas include church, ultimate frisbee players, bicyclers, hikers, walkers, runners, musicians...well, you get the idea. I'm finding that it is hard to meet people in the summer here because a)it's hot and b)Texans flee Texas in the summer because of the heat.

Work is slow because the students are gone for the summer. It does allow for a lot of time to plan and get things ready for the school year, which will be here before I know it.

For the 4th of July, I went to my dad's friend's house. They grew up across the street from each other in Long Beach. It was great to feel included and I had a great time getting to know their friends. Also, I told Mike, dad's friend, that I was looking for a new bike. Turns out he loves riding and found me a coupon to his favorite bike shop. I'm tempted to get something new. Very tempted. My current bike is just a bit too small, and it hurts my back. But I had forgotten how much I enjoyed riding when I had a bike I loved.

Speaking of combining interests. This is a picture I took a few years ago. I had forgotten about it until recently. This is my old cello, the one that is essentially "totalled" meaning the cost of the repair is more than the instrument is worth. Maybe I'll go on a photo shoot this weekend and take the cello with me. Hey, you gotta admit, it's a great conversation piece.

I have had some success with networking within the music community here. I have made my first musical friend. We have already done a few recordings together, and he is going to help me with one of mine next week.

Concrete heart

I love finding random beauty in the world. I noticed this piece of sidewalk almost the first week I moved in. There are so many things I think about when I see this picture. The heart is actually a hole in the concrete of the sidewalk. I liked the juxtaposition of the crack in the sidewalk next to the heart. Our hearts are all a bit cracked I'd say, but still beautiful. I'm hoping that this picture makes you think. I'd love to hear your comments on this one...

Pocket of Grace

The last month has been stressful and chaotic, mostly because I packed up all my earthly possessions and moved them to Texas. So far, I am really enjoying it. I had only been there about 3 weeks before I left to go to a conference last week where I was doing a presentation. The presentation went well I thought, and it was great to see many of my former coworkers at the conference. 

On my way back from Missouri (where the conference was) to Texas, I stopped and spent the night with my friend Beryl at her Aunt and Uncle's house. I had originally left my car there to carpool with Beryl (who had flown from CA to OK). When I got back, I found my car washed, detailed, and tuned up. Beryl's Uncle Doug had taken my car into the shop to have it checked out for me. He not only had the car detailed, but had them rotate my tires, do an alignment, and try to figure out what the knocking noise was on the left side of the engine.

I was really touched by this. My car had been maintained mechanically, but not really physically in the last few months. This was a totally unlooked for surprise, and I'm thankful to Doug for the care he took of my car while I was away. 

Doug was an agent of grace in a stressful and chaotic time in my life, and I'm thankful for the reminder from God that even though I feel like things are a bit challenging and chaotic right now, everything is going to be alright--He sometimes leads me to rest in these pockets of grace.

Nonnie

My grandmother was a strong, independent woman, who loved music, my grandfather, and her family. I spoke with her a few weeks before she died. She told me she was proud of me and that she loved me.

This is what she also told me:

"Last week I had a dream. I dreamed I went to church and when I opened my mouth to sing, I found I had forgotten all the words to the song. I have never forgotten the words before," she said.

"A few days later I went to church. I tried to sing, like in my dream and I couldn't," she told me sadly. "If I cannot sing, then I do not want to be here any more," she said sternly, with dignity.

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said. "I know," I told her, because I understand. For in my heart I feel the same. If there ever comes a day when I cannot sing, then I do not want to be here anymore either.

"I love you," I told her, knowing it was probably for the last time.

Another Lullaby

Every once in awhile, I get a good idea for a song. Last fall, I participated in sort of a Bible study wherein the goal was to create something artistic in response to a Psalm. The psalm our facilitator chose was Psalm 91. For that project, I collaborated with another musician in the group to write a song, which turned out great! I wish we had time to record it.

That being said, I had originally wanted to write a lullaby based on this Psalm. Last night, I think music and lyrics finally came together. That, and I wanted to write a lullaby for my friend Laurel and her new son. I had written one a few years ago when her daughter was born and I wanted to continue the tradition.

I'm going to visit this weekend and I know Laurel and Daniel are going to love the song I wrote for their son.

Here are the lyrics:
Oh child, close your eyes and sleep,
I am watching over you,
Rest in the shadow of my wings,
I hear your cry,
But do not fear,
Have no fear,
I am here

You can get a preview here. But shhhh! Don't tell! It is going to be a surprise!

Discipline

As I have been working through this time of transition, I think I have learned the most about discipline. I have never felt that I have been very disciplined in my life. There are so many people out there that I feel are more put together, or more organized. My desk and room are always a mess. But I don't think that I could have accomplished what I have accomplished in the last six months without a complete disciplinary overhaul in my life.

First of all, I lost some weight, and that took some discipline. I had to start eating better and add exercise into my life. And not just fit it in, but make it a priority. Secondly, I also had to be more disciplined in my school work in order to finish my portfolio and also find a job. That took a lot of time and effort on my part to make sure that I met my deadlines.

I am more busy than ever, and the truth is I actually hate living my life with this much intensity. I keep thinking that these habits I've formed will get easier. They don't. It is still hard to watch what I eat and make exercising a priority. I have also realized I need to sleep more than most people and this also drives me nuts. If I want to be at my best during the day, I have to go to bed by 10pm. I usually push that to 10:30pm, and it is still hard for me to get to bed "on time."

I have been playing with my schedule lately as I have realized that exercising and sleeping (both of which need to happen in my daily schedule) can sometimes work against each other. So I have started trying to get up in the morning just 20min earlier than usual in order to get in a morning run. This has been good so far and has actually served a double purpose, since I am getting to work sooner. If I exercise in the morning, I'm not worried about trying to "fit it in" in the evenings, often after things like rehearsals and Bible Study.

I do not think I'll ever be able to completely conquer busyness in my life, but I'm trying to make things less frantic for sure.

It was only last week that I started thinking about how much I have grown in the area of discipline, mostly because a good friend of mine commented that he has learned a lot about how to organize his life through my experiences in the last six months. this surprised me because I do not consider myself to be very organized in general. I have had to learn it because it feels so unnatural. Anyway, we both were looking for jobs at the same time. It was awesome to be in the same situation with this friend because we inadvertently held each other accountable in terms of productivity. We both got jobs within a month of each other, and though we'll be in two different locations, we'll be able to support each other through the rest of our transitions.

Changes

Spring, apparently, begins on Friday, and change is in the air, at least for me. It has been an eventful month. I have been feeling pretty intense about my life and what's been happening and I have not been able to post about it until now.

At the beginning of February, I had interviewed for two new jobs, one in LA and one in Texas. Yes, I actually flew to Texas for the interview the last week of January. This was very nerve-wracking. I had fun at both interviews, but figuring out the logistics to make the interviews work with the job that I currently have was a challenge. I really liked both places, but especially liked the job in Texas. They told me they would let me know whether I got the job or not by February 12, which was a few weeks away, and right after another interview I had in Kansas. Well, they called me on February 5, two days before I was to leave for Kansas and offered me the job. I was so surprised since I was not expecting this call so early! I accepted the job, and I will be moving to Texas in May.

I am so excited, but also slightly terrified at the same time. I'm worried about finding housing, meeting people, making friends, and succeeding at my new job. This is such a big change for me since I have lived in CA my whole life. I have always wanted to live someplace different, and I'm almost surprised that I have created this opportunity. It is good. I am also so thankful that I was able to get a job in this economy. I feel so blessed. I will be earning a higher salary in a place where my income will go further because the cost of living is lower. I feel like I have a chance to really live my life the way I have always hoped to live it--debt free and full of fun. I have a lot of debt to pay down. But the good news is that I know I will be able to pay it off quickly because of the new higher salary.

I am really excited about all the possibilities.

Morning adventures!

Most of the people that work in the library take a morning break at 10am. This morning, I started hearing animal noises at around that time. This was weird because I thought everyone was in the break room. So I went to investigate next door. I was looking around when a tiny Chihuahua approached me.

Well, turns out my coworker brought in two Chihuahua puppies. One of them had escaped its enclosure. They were really cute. I put the one back inside only to have the other climb out. I got them both back in and let my coworker know that they had escaped and that I had captured them both.

Chihuahua puppies are SO TINY!

Dreams

Two weird dreams last night. I don't normally have them.

The first involved me having to take over driving a trolley in San Diego. However, the trolley was not on a track. It was more like a street trolley. It was out of control, and though I figured out how to control it, I didn't know the route. So I eventually managed to stop it at one of the main hubs and then felt embarrassed that I did not know the route. It felt frantic and crazy. People were totally screaming and I felt like I had let people down.

Then I also dreamed that I was racing at a swim meet. I was going to be my first race in five years in my dream (but in reality it has been much longer!). I was swimming the 100 butterfly and 100 freestyle. The fly is weird because I am weak in that stroke. I can do it, but not quickly or strongly. In my dream, I was actually trying to warm up for my race (the first one of the day--6am) and I couldn't swim right! For some reason, I could not a) pull my arms all the way down like you're supposed to, and b) open my eyes, so I was swimming with my eyes closed in the water and I couldn't see. I was however, wearing goggles. I never got to the race part of this dream, just the warm-ups.

The swimming dream was really strange because I know that I a) can swim well and fast and b) that goggles are my friend and that I can totally see what I'm doing even if I wasn't wearing them.

I am pretty anxious right now, and my anxiety does tend to manifest itself in my dreams sometimes. I have given up caffeine in this time because I know that it amps me up too much. Now I'm off to make some muffins and drink some herbal tea.

25

This is copied over from my Facebook profile. Basically, this is a meme that's been going around. I caught it like a cold. Ha. What you're supposed to do is tell people 25 little known facts about yourself and then "tag" people to do the same. So here's my list of 25 little known facts about me:

1. My biggest fear is losing my teeth. I have dreams about this. The funny thing is that I have actually lost a tooth already and now have a fake tooth. I'm still frightened that I may lose the rest though.

2. The dream I have the hardest time admitting even to myself is that if I could, I would totally be a full-time studio musician.

3. If you ask me to go bowling, I will tell you that I will come hang out, but that I will not bowl. The reason is because I cannot bowl. The last time I went bowling was in 2002, and I significantly hurt my back. I do not want to risk having another significant injury like that, therefore I will never bowl again.

4. I think crows are fascinating birds. My fascination with crows began when I read Rascal by Sterling North which was more about a boy and his pet raccoon. However, it also featured a crow. I don't necessarily want a crow as a pet, but I would love to befriend one.

5. I love telling stories. I don't think I could ever write a novel, but I do enjoy writing short stories that are based on events that have happened in my life.

6. I have thought about trying to write a webcomic. I took a cartooning class at a summer camp once and enjoy writing my own comics sometimes. I think my strength is more in the writing part than the drawing part, so if any illustrators out there are interested in a collaborative project, let me know!

7. I *almost* tried out for a women's professional football team (tackle football), but then decided it would be too hard on my body. I still like to play. I'm a decent defender. I played a game of flag football in college once and managed to sack the (male) quarterback three times in one game, even after counting "alligators." I don't think he liked me all that much after that. :(

8. I am not only the oldest sibling in my immediate family, but the oldest of all my cousins, on both sides of the family. I used to wish I had an older sibling, but I have come to realize that being the oldest has its perks.

9. I am a VERY fast reader. I can read about 100 pages an hour. That's just an estimate. My speed is dependent upon how complex the writing is. My siblings have always been in awe of this skill that I have and once tried to count how many pages I read in two minutes. I was not paying attention and didn't realize they were doing this until I felt all of them staring at me while I was reading.

10. I can't WAIT until I'm able to have a dog. I've always wanted one. I will probably adopt one at a pound once I have the money and the space.

11. I'm really good at getting songs stuck in people's heads. Unless you want the song stuck in your head too, don't ask me what it is. It is rare that I'm not subconsciously singing or humming something in my head. I may also hum out loud without realizing that I'm doing it.

12. I am an instigator. I have a lot of ideas. Not all of them are good. But I often find that my ideas influence people. When I tell people that I am an instigator, they do not take me seriously. In a recent conversation, I earned new respect from my friends when they realized the extent of my ability to instigate. I hope to use my powers for good and not evil. But I do love a good prank. ;)

13. Most people think I'm extroverted. I'm not. I'm a really social introvert. My Myer's Briggs type is INTP, but I'm not the extremist version of this type. I have trouble sometimes molding myself into a more structured society as I like variety and am extremely adaptable. This also makes me indecisive and means that I tend to try to keep options open, sometimes to my own detriment.

14. For the last three Christmases, my family has tried to play "Stump Robyn with words from the dictionary" game, which means they find a random word in the dictionary and see if I know the meaning. The funny part is that they can't always pronounce the words they are trying to stump me with and I have often corrected their pronunciation...which means I have known the word and its meaning.

15. I have two master's degrees. What? I just like learning. One is in Education and one is in Library and Information Science. My goal is to be an instruction librarian at a college or university.

16. Though I am a musician, I am terrible at remembering (and knowing) lyrics, titles and artists of songs. People always try to make me do the humdingers in cranium because I can hum in tune, but I RARELY know what the song is on the card. Unless it's classical, don't make me do those, okay?

17. I am tall, 5'11'' (which most of you already know) but I am the shortest of my biological siblings. I like to say I'm the short kid in my family. Take a look at my photos in the family section and think about the fact that I'm 5'11''.

18. I always loved PE in school. I never understood why the other girls didn't.

19. My pet peeves include wet socks, earwax in my ear, when my fingernails are too long and they click on things, um, I know I have a few more, but those are the main ones.

20. I probably own way too many hats. But I like them, and I love wearing them. Most of them are baseball hats.

21. I'm pretty serious most of the time. But I have a good sense of fun and appreciate people who try to help me be less serious.

22. I hate arriving late to things. I get anxious when I'm running late or when my friends don't show up on time. If you're gonna be later than 15 min, please call me!

23. I love being outside.

24. My first job was as a lifeguard at Raging Waters in San Dimas. I worked as a deep water guard (wave cove!) even though people weren't supposed to work there until they were 18. Basically, I kicked booty in the swim test and I looked older so they asked me why I wasn't trying out for deep guard. When I told them it was because I was 16, they didn't care and moved me over. I am still a very good swimmer.

25. I once met Walter Cronkite in person. I was a history major at UCSB. My senior seminar was in modern American history. Cronkite was doing a lecture that night on campus and wanted to visit a class. There were 16 of us writing about events in the 1900's, and as we told him our topics, he provided commentary on each one. This was an amazing experience.