My mind is on overdrive...

There's so much going on in my life right now. I haven't been blogging because I've been so busy! But this blog is something that I want to be able to come back to and see where I've been and who I'm becoming.

I am becoming a more anxious person.
I always think that I'm going to be less busy in the summer, but that is not the case. I'm taking a really hard class right now, and it is stressing me out. I guess I am more of a perfectionist than I initionally thought. Maybe I've acquired a bit more of that as I've gotten older. Who knows.

I am becoming a more social person.
Mostly because I just started playing cello with a girl who plays guitar in San Diego and so I am now in a band. Through her, I have already met at least three new people that will be added to my social circle. This is good.

I am more worried about the future.
I have to make some pretty big decisions in about 2 years. Will I stay here in SD or move out of the state? There are pros and cons to that decision, and I feel as though it will be one of those "What if?" moments in my life...the moments where your life can really go one way or the other, there's not really a "right" decision, but it will change your life forever. That will be an exciting time, and I wish I was at that place in life now. This moment will come once I finish library school.

I am having writer's block.
This is evidenced by my inability to blog consistently and write more children's songs. I wrote one today though, in preparation for our Kid's Club Camp which is coming up in about three weeks. I finally looked at our curriculum, and I need to create a set list of about 10 songs. Right now, I have five, maybe six songs on my list. The good news is that I have been praying for inspiration, and I managed to write that song today in about 20 minutes. :) It is based on Deuteronomy 29:29. Actually, the lyrics are word for word. The music is fun and catchy. I just have to remember how it goes. I want to write at least one more song, so we'll see what happens.

Black Eye

Me: Adam, do you want to see my ugly face?
My brother: Hold on, let me put my contacts in...
Me: Okay...
My brother: MMMha ha ha. Nice.

I do have a black eye at the moment, in addition to everything else that's swelling on my face.

A fun survey

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
-Knowing that I'm accomplishing my purpose in life AND experiencing open spaces.

What is your greatest fear?
-Losing my teeth AND not taking any risks.

Which historical figure do you most identify with?
-Rosie the Rivetor aka women who went to work during WWII.

Which living person do you most admire?
-I'm very curious about any people that have charisma... that unexplicable charm.

What is the trait that you most deplore in yourself?
-Selfishness

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
-Illogical thinking.

What is your greatest extravagance?
-Books and education.

What is your favorite journey?
-To Africa and back.

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
-I don't know if it is a virture, but I would say "peace--" the fake overrated kind.

On what occasion do you lie?
-When I'm trying to hide.

Which living person do you most despise?
-I try not to despise people, but I don't like know-it-alls.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
-What?

What is your greatest regret?
-That I don't take risks and therefore miss opportunities.

What or who is the greatest love of your life?
-I don't know.

When and where were you happiest?
-Working at summer camp. Lifeguarding.

Which talent would you most like to have?
-I always wanted to be a drummer.

What is your current state of mind?
-Reflective and nostolgic.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
-That I didn't care so much about what other people think.

What do you consider your greatest achievement?
-I don't know...graduating college was pretty cool. I still have time to achieve my greatest achievement, right?

If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what do you think it would be?
-Because of my Christian beliefs, I would have to say a more real, more complete version of myself.

What is your most treasured possession?
-My cello. It has given me ways to connect with people in ways I never would have if I didn't play.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery?
-Living without hope.

Where would you like to live?
-Anywhere good friends can be found.

What is your most marked characteristic?
-When I'm feeling confident and self-assured, I can talk to anyone and make them feel included. Either that or my seriousness.

What is the quality you most like in a man?
-Kindness and honesty.

What is the quality you most like in a woman?
-Kindness and honesty.

What do you most value in your friends
?-Their ability to be genuine and serious and funny.

Who are your favorite writers?
-Madeline L'Engle, and C.S. Lewis.

Who is your favorite hero of fiction?
-Aslan the Lion.

Who are your heroes in real life?
-People who pray.

What is it that you most dislike?
-Arrogance and dishonesty.

How would you most like to die?
-A morbid question, but I would have to say I'd like to die without pain.

What is your motto?
-Hope.

Practice

I had a friend ask me how I'm doing spiritually this week. Instead of answering the question directly, I kind of made up some excuses that did not really answer his question. I guess I was dodging the question because I was hiding the truth.

The sermon tonight at church was about God's comfort. The pastor told us that if we feel God's absence, that is evidence of his presence at other times in our lives.

I think this gave me hope.

Tonight, I got to play cello with a band that I absolutely love. They lead worship on Sunday nights at the church I attend. I have to admit that worship is definitely a state of mind, and it is difficult for me to truly worship God when I play cello. The reason is because I'm thinking more about the music than my state of mind. I can count on my hand the number of times I have truly worshipped God using my cello. But I can say that those times were some of the most meaningful experiences I have ever had as a musician. They come few and far between, but because music is a discipline, the more I practice, the better I become, the better my fingers remember their positions, the less I have to think about what I'm doing, and the more likely it is that I start to think outside of what I am doing physically and move in to a state of meditation. In this state of mind I am able to think beyond the music and think about what the music means. It is in this state of mind that I am able to worship God with all my heart. Like music, worship is a discipline. This is why I practice.

Nerves

So, I just practiced my cello for an hour. And now the nerve in my index finger on my left hand is super sensitive. It feels like there's a spring in it. Every time I touch something, the nerve "bounces" in my finger. Kind of like when you hit your funny bone in your elbow, and it vibrates. Yeah, except in my index finger...and its not going away yet...

Love

There's nothing like the reckless abandon of a child who knows that she is loved and freely loves in return.Sometimes I wish I could love as freely as that child.

Finals Week

There's nothing worse than trying to get students in an overcrowded library during finals week to respect the others around them by being quiet, especially when there are no study rooms available.

Enforcing the quiet policy is making me edgy... and probably giving me a bad reputation.

What else can I say?

Its May.It is a busy week. I'm taking a day off to write a paper. How wrong is that?Plus I have a concert on Saturday, and there are still two-ish rough spots I need to work out through practice.I can't believe I have to take time off to write. Yuck!I'm hoping the words will just flow.

Dream

After all these years of living in the same house since I was 3, my mom went into a closet in our laundry room, pulled down a ladder that looked like it went to an attic, and I climbed up into a beautiful sanctuary, as in church sanctuary. It had been hidden in the house I grew up in all this time, and I never knew or realized it. The floors were all made of long wood panels, sort of a medium reddish brown color, complete with knots. There was an aisle down the center between two rows of pews, all cut from the same kind of wood, and they all had the same paneled look as the floor. The roof peaked in the center and was as long as the room. There was an alter in the front, and I think there was a cross behind it, but because it was the same color as all the wood in the room it sort of blended in to the back wall. There were no windows...and no doors, just the hole in the floor I came up through. There was no one in there. And I wished I had my cello, because I just knew the acoustics were going to be amazing.

It was a beautiful room even though everything in it was the same color. It makes me sad that it really doesn't exist.

Yes, it was all just a dream.

Lonely Days

Sometimes I think I trick myself into thinking that I really want solitude. But then when I stop doing whatever it was I wanted to do by myself, I get lonely.

And you would think that it's easy to just pick up a phone and call my friends, but it is not, and I don't.

Because for some reason, I can't.

I think the reason is that I assume everyone else needs their solitude too. And I don't want to be an interruption.

Church...and being critical

I went to a friend's church tonight, and I'm a little mad at myself for being critical about the service. It was a perfectly good service, but I didn't really let myself just sit back and enjoy the experience. Instead, I was analyzing the narrowness of the rows (felt like I was going to fall over when I was standing up), distracted by the fake drumset (never thought I would ever say that they needed the drums to be louder), and also distracted by the worship guy, who kept playing his guitar while he was praying. The pastor's sermon was decent, and it sounds like he knows a lot, and yet his style of presentation made it sound like he really didn't know very much.

I don't want to be distracted, and yet I was. Maybe if I go back, I'll be able to focus better.

I think I do this to people. I usually have an open mind initially with people, but then sometimes I get critical...for no real reason at all. I really need to change in this area because I don't want to be critical toward others. I don't like interacting with my dad sometimes because he can be critical, and I believe his skeptism keeps us from experiencing a deeper relationship. I really dislike the criticism, yet find myself criticizing other people sometimes.

New friend?

So I had this gift card to Olive Garden. I received it for teaching a swim lesson to some ladies at work that are competing in a triathalon. I coached and taught swim lessons for about 7 years in the summer until I had to get a "real" job, so I am good at stroke analysis, technique, and coaching people to improvement.

Sorry, got sidetracked. So anyway, I hadn't seen my friend Ryan G. in awhile, and made plans to have dinner with him. Ryan and I have a fun history together because we grew up together. Our parents went to the same church, we went to the same schools, and he used to hang out with my step-brother. Then he ended up coming to UCSB, and we were involved in the same club, and spent a summer overseas with the same group of people. We lost touch a little after college, but then he moved to SD, and well, its fun for us to hang out because we know a lot of the same people.When we were talking about where to eat dinner, I remembered that I had a giftcard to Olive Garden. So we decided to use it.

We were starting our conversation when all of a sudden there was this guy with a loud booming voice who introduced himself with a VERY australian accent, "Hi, my name is James, and I'll be your server tonight..."James told us that he is half-aussie, and half-american, and let me tell you, our experience just would not have been the same without him. He was courteous without being obtrusive, the service was excellent, and he was both fun and funny all at the same time. It is obvious that James loves people, and Ryan and I agreed that we would come back, just because of how great our experience was. The most interesting thing about it was that James has no prior server experience, and this was his first week on the job.People seem to be afraid of getting to know each other these days, it is rare to meet those who are willing to try. I think we found ourselves a new friend. And to think, I never go to Olive Garden, and never would have gone if I hadn't got a giftcard.

Yeah cable!

Finally got cable internet. Is this a sad commentary on my life when I get excited about broadband? Is this weird that I have not had it before? I was using dial-up.What this means is that I will be more accessible online. And isn't that what the Internet is all about?face-to-face interaction versus online interaction. Discuss.

Working

Tiredness and Laziness.

Not a good combo.

Caffeine anyone?

Also, got a 19/20 on the paper I finished last Saturday. Yep. The one I procrastinated on.

Grade check

Yeah! Got a 19/20 on the paper I procrastinated on. I forgot to include one component, so that's pretty good. :)I'm such a nerd.

Haiku

Tired and lazy
Not a good combination
Caffeine anyone?

Saturday Adventures: The Break-in

So today, I knew I had to finish my paper. Still haven't finished it yet. It is due by midnight. Thought I would be writing all day. Thought it would be a boring day. I was wrong.

I made plans to hang out with a friend of mine today for lunch. So she called me and I drove over to her place. We walked over to the local shopping center to get some lunch and ice-cream for dessert. About halfway through lunch, she noticed that one of my earrings was missing. I think it fell off when I took off my sweatshirt, but I have no idea where it is now. Bummer, cause I really liked these ones.

So we walk back, looking for the earring, didn't find it. We get back to her apartment and she says, "Oh no, the bottom part of the door is locked."
I said, "I locked it when we were leaving."
She says, "I don't have the key, we're locked out."
I said, "Well, is there a way to break in? Is your slider unlocked?"
She said, "No, and there's a stick in the window."

Sure enough, there was a window stick, designed to keep intruders from breaking in.

I said, "Well, let me see if my arm is long enough...I might be able to reach around and get it, do you want me to try?"
She said, "Yes."
"Okay." I said. And I started emptying my pockets. I pulled out my phone, my wallet, and all my money so that I could work unhindered by all the stuff I carry around with me.

So I pull the screen off the window, open the window as much as I can, and stick my arm in.

"My arm isn't long enough...is there a stick somewhere?"
"Yeah, let me find you one." She hands me a long stick.
"I'm gonna get your blinds dirty."
"That's okay."

So I start trying to use the stick as a wedge to lift the other stick out of the window's path.

"You almost got it!" She said.
"I know...this is harder than it looks!"
"Oh, you got it, you got it... just a little more...what if you try to slide the window as you're lifting up?"
"Okay," I said, and lifted up and pushed the window open at the same time. "I got it!"

She was laughing. And took my picture in the open window because she thought it was so funny. So not only did I lock her out, but I was able to break into her house. We started talking about breaking in.

"So you've never had to break in before?" I asked.
"Nope, never."
"Not even growing up?"
"Nope, my mom was always home."
"Yeah, my brothers and I always had to break in, I always forgot my keys."

I was one of those latch-key kids. My mom was almost never home after school, so I got really good at getting into my house if I didn't have my key. Yeah, I got skills.

Paper

I procrastinated. It is due today. I'm not done yet. And its Saturday. At least it is raining so that I'm not tempted to go to the beach or something.

Music I listen to

Every once in awhile, I get captivated by a song. It doesn't happen very often, where I hear a song that grabs my attention and I want to buy the album as a result. I prefer to wait until I realize that I like at least half the songs on an album before I purchase it. One of the only times I bought an album for one song was when I bought Dizzy Up the Girl by the Goo Goo Dolls because of the song "Iris."

"Iris" has a chorus that goes like this,

And I don't want the world to see me,
cause I don't think that they'd understand,
when everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

Plus it has a pretty cool cello part. Anyway, it happened to me again, where I heard a song that just captivated my attention and I immediately wanted to buy the song. I didn't even know it was the Goo Goo Dolls until it came on the radio and I happened to be on the phone with my friend who actually knows a lot of songs and she told me that it was a song by them. The song is "Better Days," and again, it has good lyrics and a great cello part. So I bought the album today, and I love it. Everytime I hear "Better Days," it makes me smile. I think it has been on the radio since around Christmas, because it is sort of a Christmas song, but I don't care. I could listen to it over and over again. And I have. Here's the second verse and chorus:

And it's someplace simple where we could live
And something only you can give
And thats faith and trust and peace while we're alive
And the one poor child that saved this world
And there's 10 million more who probably could
If we all just stopped and said a prayer for them

So take these words
And sing out loud
Cause everyone is forgiven now
Cause tonight's the night the world begins again

I could probably play the cello part. It is very cool. The rest of the album isn't bad either.

Teaching and Writing

I was just thinking about how fun it is to read certain writers who publish regularly, and I realize just how hard it is to write something everyday. It is especially a challenge to write posts that are meaningful, or funny, or insightful, and do it on a daily basis. So I don't. But I wish I could.

I taught the kids at church today, and it was difficult for a few reasons:

A) It is spring break, and all our normal helpers are out of town, so we had a lot of new ones
B) I felt unprepared... as I had to teach the lesson, pick some songs to sing, and control the flow of the morning.
C) Time change. I was tired!

Teaching on Sundays has really confirmed to me how tired I would be if I taught at a regular school of some kind. Things always feel so chaotic. Our director assures me that I am doing a good job, but I never feel like I do.

I need new songs. I need to go and buy a bunch of kids songs on cd or something. I keep listening to my radio for appropriate songs. I knew good songs were hard to find... They have to be age appropriate, match our theology, and it is an added bonus if they have motions that go along with them. I try to write them, but it is hard when I feel like I don't have any good ideas right now. The whole writing process takes time and time is a very limited commodity for me at the moment.

Who are you?

I am mentoring a student right now, and we've come to the part in the curriculum where I have asked her to write a two page essay entitled, "Who are you?" I decided that I might want to do the same. So here goes:

I care about the past, because it impacts both the present and the future. I don't think you can fully understand a person or their viewpoints unless you know their history. I tend to ask a lot of questions of people about their past because this is what enables me to relate to them.

I am flexible. I like to be in new places, meet new people, and try new things...to a certain point. However, because I am adaptable, I hate committing to things. If I make commitments, they are strong, and for the most part, I try not to make them-- I must be heavily persuaded. But once I make a commitment, I am completely reliable and loyal.

I like to read. A lot. Through my reading, I collect new information and ideas. I love ideas. I have a lot of them. This is why the library is a good place for me to work. I can collect information and ideas that I am able to pass on to others. I don't feel the need to act on any of my ideas. I simply like them because they are creative, different, or because they give me a different way of looking at the world. I love poetry because of the ideas. My favorite songs are the ones with profound lyrics. Sometimes, whether the advice is asked for or not, I will bombard you with ideas. This unsolicited advice can be annoying sometimes to other people around me, and I have had to learn to curb it, and wait for when people do ask me for advice.

I also tend to think a lot about things. I need a great deal of solitude--thinking time--in order to function with other people around. If you really want to reach out to me, or have a meaningful conversation with me, then ask me what I'm thinking, and don't let me cheat by giving you some kind of vague or superficial answer, which I will do if I don't trust you, or if I perceive you don' t really want to know, or that you don't have the time to listen. This is how I test people sometimes. Persistence will get you a real answer and show me that you really do care. The negative of all this thinking is that I live a lot in my head, and it can be a lonely place.

My faults are many. I am stubbornly independent, don't like to ask for help, don't like to take risks, and have a deeply rooted fear of failing. I am selfish, especially with my time. I toe the line between having self-confidence and being insufferably proud. And while I am self-assured in a lot of ways, I am insecure in others.

I don't really see myself as a passionate person and it took me a long time to realize that I have a passion for music. Not for playing it perfectly, but just playing, being challenged to bring it to the next level, sharing it with others, and making it something beautiful. I like orchestral music because it challenges my skill, and I get depressed when no one is able to come to a concert that I've worked really hard on. I have to be able to show people what I can really do. Orchestra is my proving ground.

Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without God's touch on my life. I am his child. He has a plan and purpose for my life. He made me who I am. If he hadn't been a part of my life, I would have a completely different set of friends, a completely different job, a different kind of education, and possibly even different passions in life.

This is the part of the essay where I really need to come up with some kind of conclusion, but I'm not feeling it today. My loyal readers may write one in the comments if they would like.

Sunday Musings

I have a friend who has managed to create conflict with me and every single one of my close friends here in San Diego. Does he realize we all talk to each other because:
A) we're girls and we do that and
B) we are all friends with each other?

Should I say something to him? I think I just want to leave it alone. I don't want to create more dissension.

So last week at church, I was singing a song I actually wrote, and when it came time to sing the third verse, I forgot all the words. As soon as I walked away, I remembered them all. So I figured I should sing it again this week to redeem myself.

I need to write some new songs. It takes discipline, luck, and a good dose of inspiration. Its hard to write when I'm feeling so downtrodden. Things are just so busy, and it depresses me that I need so much time to write. I have a "sort-of" idea, but what I have written so far sounds really cliche to me.

I need some inspiration. And maybe a vacation.

Anxiety Dream?

I had a dream last night that my cello was falling apart at the major seams, right before a big performance. That's the first scary cello dream I had. For some reason, I don't think it could have been fixed. Umm, let's not read TOO much into this one.

Adversity

For D-

God has a plan
We don't always understand
We are called to perservere
And do our best
Without fear of failure
or the future
or the unknown.

Sometimes our dreams die in spite of our best efforts
Because they are OUR dreams, not God's.
It is through adversity we learn to succeed
Knowing that we can do nothing,
And that we are broken
Because then we learn that our success is not our own
And is given to us by God alone.

And sometimes, when we think all is lost
Yet trust in Him who is infinitely able,
We achieve more than we could have dreamed,
And count it a miracle.

Homework

I'm trying to do homework right now, and its depressing. I need to go to the grocery store to do this. And I have to pay attention to details. Two of my least favorite activities. I'm feeling like a bit of a failure today. I can't even post a decent response to the class discussion board. My mom thinks I'm being too hard on myself. I really don't feel like I'm doing all that great in one of my classes, and the reality of trying to pick a topic for a long paper has set in somewhat.

I did spend some time today with a friend of mine that I've known since kindergarten. It was fun. We did touristy things in San Diego. Like visit Seaport Village. We had lunch down there and just wandered.

I'm also going to a b-day party for one of the church ladies at church tonight. I have to leave in 5 minutes. I didn't really get any homework done. Just stressed myself out more by looking at my assignments. I am actually going to have to take a day off next week to do school work. I don't see myself having time to get everything done that needs doing.

Yesterday, I went home to spend some time with my dad. It was actually fun. He has a new puppy and she's so fun. She was a great distraction.

Today's Mantra: Don't panic, be calm...

Reality of School

Printing like crazy to try and read a bunch of stuff tonight. Sad. I'm ditching my Bible Study tonight to study for school. I'm not going to have time to read this weekend really though.

My pile of printed articles is quite high. And depressing.

Today's mantra: Higher Education is a choice.

Nice Day

Today was so busy. I had a ton of stuff to do at work, and I'm not done yet. It can wait til tomorrow. I'm so glad that I don't have a stressful job. It matters that I do my work, but what I do is not life or death. Things can be put off to a certain extent. The danger is not taking advantage of those opportunities.

And it is such a nice day. I have to come back to my office later to do some school work tonight. That's okay. But I think I'm going to go and continue to try and break in my new running shoes. I like them. I hate breaking shoes in.

I just finished reading Brennan Manning's the Ragamuffin Gospel. It is one of those books that I've been meaning to read for awhile. I really liked it. I can see why others are so drawn to his work. I don't have time to ruminate at the moment on this, but it may show up later this week.

I also have been working on a new song for the kiddies. But I'm trying to write something that would be more profound. The music I write should be able to stand on its own sometimes, so I'm trying to write a GOOD song. Something that I'm proud of. I have a concept and a few lines of lyrics that I like so far, but it is nowhere near ready for the music part. I'm trying to finish it in the next two weeks. I'm hoping that I'll find some free time to sit and reflect and write this week.

L-Thanks for the good times Monday night. I really miss hearing your perspective on my life. It helps me.

I'm off to enjoy the sunset. West, over the ocean. :)

Feeling Blessed

I'm feeling blessed in spite of the stress. I'm doing homework at the library. It is a beautiful day outside. I would rather be outside. But I'm thankful because I get a nice view of the ocean from my office, which is where I'm working. Plus I have turned the volume up on my computer and I'm listening to music while I work, which NEVER happens during the week since I work in a library and my office has no ceiling. So basically, anyone can hear what I do in my office-- listen to music, talk on the phone, yeah. Awkward. It just means I have to keep my voice down. I have definitely perfected my indoor voice.

I'm seeing a movie with one of the high schoolers in my high school Bible Study this afternoon. It will be my first movie in the theater since Narnia came out.

I have a three day weekend, and its amazing that I do so much better when I feel like I have the time to accomplish all the things I have to get done.

Month in Review

I spent about 30 minutes this morning just studying my planner. What I'm finding is that there is a direct correlation between planner usage and my stress level.

So, here are the updates and lessons learned from the month:

1. Resolved that conflict with my friend. We are still speaking to each other, and lately, we have almost approached pre-conflict levels of communication. I'm so glad its over! I think we also both got busy, so there's less time spent together, and more time spent apart, so that when we DO get to see each other, we are both glad.

The lesson: its okay to have conflict, conflict does not automatically mean the end of a relationship and it takes time sometimes for things to settle into resolution.

2. Grad School is hard. And I have another 3 years to go.

Not a lesson per se, but a reminder: It is never profitable to procrastinate. Get things done when I have the time, or I will be MORE stressed and less productive.

3. There was a definite deepening in the relationship that I have with a good friend of mine. We are still learning to trust each other, and yet, we have a pretty good friendship. I'm excited to see what becomes of us. It is good to have friends to cry with.

The Lesson: Don't let go of friends like these.

4. This kind of goes along with number 3. Reconnected with a guy I really like. We have a long history together. He is such a quality guy, and so far, I like everything about him. We NEVER should have lost touch in the first place. It does take time and effort to make these kinds of relationships work.

The Lesson: When you find quality people, don't let go. See the same lesson above. Make the effort to communicate, and don't let distance be a factor to good friendships.

Anyway, I feel like grad school has only magnified and intensified the issues I face in my life. It has made me appreciate free time even more. It has made me appreciate my friends more. I am overwhelmed, and I know it. This alone has made me appreciate God more, and trust that yes, this really is a part of the plan He has for my life.

Can I get some stats on this please?

I spent about 30 minutes this morning just studying my planner. What I'm finding is that there is a direct correlation between planner usage and my stress level.

Anyway, I feel like grad school has only magnified and intensified the issues I face in my life. It has made me appreciate free time even more. It has made me appreciate my friends more. I am overwhelmed, and I know it. This alone has made me appreciate God more, and trust that yes, this really could be a part of the plan He has for my life.

More NFL Europe

Duncan played in another scrimmage today, this is a different scrimmage than the one in the previous post, which took place a few days ago. Anytime he gets a mention, its good!

From the Frankfurt Galaxy website:

Also looking sharp were the tight ends. Duncan Reid, Keith Willis, and Sean
McHugh all hauled in one catch each, with Reid making a fantastic completion
from quarterback Bryson Spinner.

NFL Europe (Go Duncan!)

From the Frankfurt Galaxy website:

Also looking sharp [in a scrimmage] was quarterback Bryson Spinner, who
connected with Duncan Reid on a 45-yard bomb, putting the Galaxy in position for
an eventual touchdown. The field conditions were less than perfect, with many
players losing their footing.

"It's tough when you drop back you can lose your footing or get caught in a
divot, so you have to be careful," said Spinner. "The ball was in a good spot
for him to go get it, and he did. He made a great play."

Holding on...

I stayed up way too late doing homework last night. I'm averaging about 6.5 hours of sleep each night. That's on the low side for me. And last night was about the 4th or 5th night in a row for me. I'm gonna crash this weekend. It is so nice not having anything on my agenda, but I have to make it through to Friday.

Diversion of the day

Test your reflexes...very fun. And diverting. And amusing.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Discipline

I have completely lost my ability to be disciplined and study. AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

Procrastination is my new middle name.

Holla.

Conversations 10 - Lost and Found

"Sherry? Hi, its Robyn... I'm stuck in traffic on 7th street. Is there an alternative route I can take? Cause this is really bad..."

Sherry is one of my mom's best friends from high school, and I was already 30 minutes late for dinner at her house with her husband, son, and my parents.

"Hi Sweetie, yes, can you turn left at B Steet?"

"Yes, I'm actually right at that intersection."

"Okay, then you're going to head south, and turn onto 4th."

"Got it."

"You'll hit 2 or three stop signs, and our street will be on the right. Do you want me to stay on the line?"

"No, I think I got it." So I continued to drive, looking for the street where I had spent a majority of my childhood.

All of a sudden, there it was, and I was going too fast to turn. So I kept driving, looking for a good spot to turn around. There was a lot of construction past their street, and I knew it was not going to be easy to go back the way I came. In fact, it was going to be impossible. I turned left at a stop light and figured I would be able to just go around the block. No such luck because there was a canal in my way, and no option to cross it anywhere in sight.

As I was driving east, looking for a point to cross, my phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey!" What's going on?" It was Sherry's son. I am older than he is by exactly five days, and I always hold it over his head. We hadn't talked to each other in about three years.

"Not much, what's going on with you? Where are you?" I asked him, confused...

"I'm at the house, where are you?"

"I think I'm lost. See, I missed your street, and there's all this construction, so I can't get back the way I came, and there's nowhere to cross the stupid canal..."

"Uh-huh...What are the cross-streets?"

I told him my location, and then said, "Yeah, I think I'm going to make a U-Turn."

"That's probably a good idea. Where are you exactly?" he asked as I drove back to the street right before the intersection that was blocked by construction.

I said, "I'm sitting at a stop sign across the soccer field from your house, looking at a baseball dug-out." I gave him the cross streets.

"Stay there."

"Why?"

"I'm coming to find you."

"Okay," I said, "I thought I was kind of far away."

"You're not. I'll jog..." There was a pause in our conversation, "Now I'm winded," he said. "Can you see me?"

I looked around, but didn't see him anywhere. "No, not yet," I replied. I just sat in my car looking at the park across the street. I can remember playing in the park with him when we were young. I was on one side, and his house was on the other. I waited, and watched to see where he was coming from. He was still on the line.

"What are you driving? Are you at a stop-sign?" He asked.

"A little white car," I said, "And yes, I'm sitting at a stop sign."

"I think I see you...Do you see me? I'm on your left."

I looked to the left and saw him walking toward me. He looked a little different from the last time I had seen him, but was still the same.

He said, "I'm going to hang up now."

"Okay," I said, closed my phone, and then unlocked my passenger side door.

He came around and let himself in.

"Hi," he said.

"Hi," I said, "Thanks for coming to find me, I don't think I would have been able to figure out how to get to your house from here."

"You're right," he said, "there is a lot of construction, this is ridiculous."

He then directed me to the house. Turns out I wasn't that far away, but it would have taken me a long time to figure it out on my own.

I parked the car and we both got out.

"It's good to see you," I said.

I locked my door, and he locked his, and I walked up to the sidewalk.

He offered me a hug and stepped back. We were both grinning.

"Good to see you too," He replied.

And we walked inside.

Opera

Went to the opera tonight. It was a tragedy. No. Not the fact that I went to the opera... the opera was a tragedy.

The lead female character goes mad in the third act and kills her husband on their wedding night because she was forced to marry him while she had pledged her love to another man, and basically, all the main characters die a la Romeo and Juliet. Sort of.

Well, in the intermission right before the third act, I heard the flute player play taps (the military "all is quiet, good night" song, usually played by a trumpet or bugle).
That was funny. Cause basically, everyone in the opera was doomed.

Also, have you ever noticed that whenever someone is dying in musicals, operas, movies, or TV, the main death theme is played by a solo cello or by the cello section? It makes me laugh every time.

The cello is a sad instrument. Which is why I'll never be a great cellist. I'm not depressed enough. Yet.

Panicked!

I am back in grad school (what was I thinking?) and its taking up a lot of my time! If you see me this week, I could use some encouragement.

I nearly thought I missed a deadline on a quiz, and I'm behind in my reading. Then again, who isn't? I'm having an anxiety attack...

Panic attack

I just had a panic attack about school. I don't know if I'm going to be able to sleep tonight. So much to do!!!

However, I get to see one of my favorite people on Saturday night. I'm excited. :)

More Transition

The library I work at is going through some very rapid and significant changes. The position I thought I might be able to apply for at some point got approved sooner than anyone thought it would. This means that there probably will not be an opportunity for me to stay here. Dreams die hard and I am sad. I am not qualified to apply for this position.

I have had high anxiety all week. I am pretty sure this coincides with starting grad school again. I have a friend who is also going through a really hard time right now also, and we basically cried together last weekend.

We go to the same church, but different locations, and the message this week was really hard. It was about hope.

As Christians, we are told that we should have joy because of our hope in Christ. I often feel like a hypocrite because I do not often experience joy in my life. I blame myself for not trying hard enough which is counteractive to grace. Depression is very real and something I struggle with regularily. It helps me to know that many of the prophets in the Bible were probably also depressed, especially David. You can still have faith and walk with Christ and be depressed. It is not the path I would have chosen for myself. But when I'm told that Christians should be hopeful and joyful, I cringe a little inside and wonder what the heck is wrong with me and my faith.

I wear a ring with the word "hope" on it that symbolizes this struggle for me. I have faith that God's plan is perfect and that someday I will be with Him in heaven. Should I be able to have more hope than that? Maybe. Should this knowledge change the way I live? Maybe it should, but I don't really know how.

No Excuses

Me as I'm trying to climb a rock in Joshua Tree: "I CAN'T DO THIS!"

My friend down below: "YES YOU CAN, WHAT DOES THE BACK OF YOUR SHIRT SAY!!!"

Me: "I DON'T KNOW, I CAN'T REALLY SEE IT RIGHT NOW!!!"

My friend: "MAKE PLAYS, NOT EXCUSES"

"Darn," I thought to myself, "I forgot I was wearing that shirt."

Attitude adjustment. Then I climbed. And made it to the top.

Joshua Tree

I went to Joshua Tree yesterday with a bunch of friends of mine. We went rock climbing. It was my second time trying. I actually made it all the way up one of the rocks, and half-way up the other. I had to have a lot of coaching though, and it took me forever. On one of the climbs, I looked down and everyone was watching. It was embarassing because I'm such a novice. I yelled at them, "Why is everybody watching me, don't you have anything better to do?" Rock climbing is not the sport for modest people. It is very difficult to try and take pictures of people without accentuating their butts.

The weather was great and I took some GREAT pictures.

Upon arrival however, I managed to back my car into a rock, so now there's a nice scrape on my back bumper. I wasn't going very fast. Stupid rocks. I didn't see it because it was so low to the ground. It did make a loud noise, and I was worried that I might have popped a tire. But I didn't. So now the car just has a little more character. I'm not mad about it, these things happen, and there's nothing i can really do about it. However, I do not liked to be teased about these kinds of things.

Birthday

Today is my birthday. Both my brothers called me from different phones and locations at almost the exact same time. They are not twins. Weird! And fun, especially since one of them is training for NFL Europe at the moment and I totally didn't expect a call from him.

Going to Outback for dinner with a small group of friends. Should be fun. I wish Laurel could come, but alas, we live in different regions.

Also, found out that a friend of mine is one of four kids. Turns out they are the same birth order (girl/boy/boy/girl) and the exact same ages as me and my siblings. Never met a family as alike as ours before, with the same ages and everything...

I met them because he is a marine and getting deployed for 13 months. His family was at the going away party. And now I have some cool marine stuff.

My dad's dog, Stoney, died about 2 weeks ago. I am really going to miss her and when he finally called me about it (I heard from my sister first), I had to take a crying break from work. Well, he already bought a new puppy-- an aussie like before, and she is seriously the fattest puppy. He asked for name suggestions. I would like to respectfully submit the following name: Attila the Dog. Seriously. She's huge. They can call her Tilly for short. I might still call her Attila even if she ends up with another name.

My Fortune

Fortune cookie fortune: "You have at your command the wisdom of the ages."

What I said after reading this fortune: "yeah, its called the internet."

Ramblings

Drove to Fresno and back between Friday morning and Saturday night. I'm tired. And overwhelmed I think. I had a really busy week last week, and it was populated with some perceived negative people interaction, which really gets me down.

I started library school this week. I am going to be one busy girl!

I was talking with one of my co-workers last week (who wants to be a counselor and work with college students somehow) and we were talking about my degree from Azusa. I really had fun getting the degree, but just couldn't find a job in the field and got tired of trying. I settled to a certain extent. And so, my life after college is riddled with these "what if...?" moments. We talked about where I am now and whether or not I'm excited to do this degree. My heart is not quite in it yet. I think its a good decision, but I still struggle with whether I'm making the right decision. I feel like I'm giving up on some goals of mine and settling for something less. I teared up a bit just because of all the difficulties I went through after trying (and failing) to find a job. My co-worker reminded me that God is sovereign and even if my decision is not as good as I think it is, God can still use the degree to bring me where he wants me to be.

Recording Session

Me to the sound engineer last night as I'm trying to tune my cello: I've been having trouble with my G string all week.

Sound engineer after a pause: You know, I hear a lot of girls have trouble with their G strings.

We laughed.

Twitchy

Went home 2 hours early yesterday, and took a much needed nap. Got my laundry done and practiced cello. I'm in the studio on Wednesday and I'm stressed out. I've gained an eye-twitch. Its driving me crazy.

Rats!

So our student worker this morning saw a rat run across the first floor over by our front desk. So my co-worker freaked out and came into my office and actually stood on my stool that I have for students to sit on if they need to. So I went to see what was going on. Sure enough, there was the rat. He was freaked out, and tried to go outside, but of course all our doors were shut. So after a few minutes of trying to corral him out the door, he finally ran into our first floor stacks. The student and I chased him around for a bit, and eventually lost him. The students who were studying on the first floor couldn't figure out what we were doing... carrying around newspaper sticks and suddenly dropping to the floor to look underneath the stacks... and let me tell you that carpet is dirty! Anyway, who knows where the rat is now. Hopefully getting an education in the 200's (religion and philosophy) because we called physical plant and he could possibly die. I feel sorry for him. He was THIS CLOSE to freedom and ran the other way.

What I've Learned...

I'm more sensitive to conflict than previously thought. It is hard for me to let things go and I start analyzing things which leads to worry and stress for me. I try to distract myself with other things, but it is difficult.

Also. It is exhausting for me to try and spend time with my dad and step-mom. They completely wear me out.

Also. What do I want for my birthday. I never know. I'm hard to buy for.

Unresolved

On a sunset walk
We had good conversation
Shared some laughs
Made some observations

But then
I got analytical
You thought
That I was being critical...

Well, that was never my intention
This miscommunication
No time for explanation

Only awkward tension...

But then you called
To apologize and make amends
But things
Just haven't been the same since then
And I
Just want to know if we can still be friends...

______________________________________

It's hard for me to let it be
I know I need to let you think it over for awhile
But don't take too long
Because I really like your smile...

Weird Sensation

Running in thick fog and feeling the moisture condense on your eyelashes without experiencing rain or snow.

Monday Night Live

So I'm starting a youth group for high school at church. I would say "we" cause the pastor is lending us his house and input, but there are only two girls so far. So it will be a high school small group first, and we'll see what happens. I'm pretty excited but apprehensive. I haven't tried relational ministry in awhile, and we do not know each other that well yet.

One of the girls came over last night and it was good. We got to talk about her relationship with Christ and her family and also play some air-hockey. I'm way better at foosball cause of college (thanks Ryan!) but managed to win 2 of 3 games in air hockey. The pastor was laughing at my intensity. What? I like to play. I don't care about winning, although that's fun too, but I just like to play.

I also start library school at the end of this month. I'm not really excited about school, but I think I will be when I'm finally studying. I've been preparing for library school for the last 4 months. Crazy.

Also, I was talking with a new friend of mine about school and music and some of the decisions I've made, because he was saying how he would love to be a full-time musician, whether that would be as a music director at a church or full-time performer, but he has a wife and three kids. I was telling him how I would probably never be a professional musician, but that I really enjoy playing in the studio, and if I could do anything, it would be that. So he offered to "hook me up" with his studio. That would be amazing.

My Sunday Off

We had a rough morning with the kids at church. I was kind of feeling drained at the end of it. There's a church in our denomination that just disbanded a few months ago. Some of them have started to come to the church I go to, and have been there for a month or two, but many of them have not really made an effort to mingle. As a result, there's a divide. So I was excited that two of the new families joined us for lunch on Sunday.

Then I practiced with my guitar-playing friend whose album I'm working on, and we played for awhile. I think 2 hours. Then I said I needed a break so we went for slurpies at 7-11. After spending 4 hours at this guy's house, I went home and took a nap.

Then I went to this GREAT pizza place with my roommate and some other friends of ours. I love lazy Sundays.

However, I set my alarm clock incorrectly this morning, and so I did not get a good start on my day so I'm a little tired and grumpy. Everyone thinks I'm sick or tired. Ha ha.

Some of Christmas

I think I always get depressed right before the holidays. Not sure exactly why, but I'm sure it has something to do with all the trauma and drama that happened in the past over holidays. This Christmas was actually fun and relaxing. I spent a lot of time with my mom and siblings and got to see most of the extended family.

I read the Christmas letter that my dad and step-mom put out, and what they put in for me said something about how they don't see or talk to me a whole lot, which is true, and that they realize I seem to have "found my niche" and I "seem to be happy" in San Diego.

Is it bad that I have little desire to work on the relationship? Or that I know that I should try more but just don't want to?

I think I'm a bit sad that they did not ask me what they should put in the letter for me. I feel like if they wanted to know more about my life then they should call me more often.

As I get older, my life gets more monotonous. There aren't many new things going on in my life. My life is sort of stable (praise God!) and maybe even a bit boring to the point that nothing stands out. I feel like I have nothing to contribute in the way of conversation sometimes.

Music Opportunities

I just invested $700 in a new cello case. And I spent about $700 on a new computer. That's a lot of money for me. Both needed and necessary.

The cello case is exciting because I've needed a new one for years. The new case is waterproof and air-tight. Perfect for all the traveling my cello has to do. Especially this month, cause I got two small paying gigs. Both recording. One song for a clarinet player who wrote a piece for piano, cello, and clarinet, and a bunch of songs band-style for one of the worship leaders at church who is putting out an album. I've been listening to the rough tracks today and I'm impressed. It is basically a marketing album for him cause he plays at a lot of weddings and people are always asking him for his CD. Plus he's signed to a small label so that's nice. The music network is working! There's nothing like getting paid for something you enjoy. I told the worship guy he could pay me what he could afford. Perhaps it will lead to bigger and better things for me.

Reindeer Games

Reverse order events:

Today:

Just got back from the department Christmas party. We ate Hawaiian food and exchanged gifts. Everyone was really excited about the Christmas antlers we received and wore them through the opening of the presents. At my work, the rule is that you buy everyone the same gift and it must cost less than a dollar. You could also make something if you want. I bought everyone cowbells. This fits with my music theme because last year, I bought kazoos for everyone. Next year, I had a great idea. I'm going to buy $1.00 CD's at the store. Most stores have a random clearance CD section wherein all the CD's are really funny and cost a dollar.

Our director is retiring in August this year, so we knew this was going to be a special Christmas. For our gifts from him, we were each given a carved angel. Mine is called the angel of love, and she is holding a nest of birds.

This is interesting because love is THE attribute I struggle with the most. I'm still not quite sure what it means to love, and my actions aren't always very loving. Sometimes I question whether I love people at all. So I find it interesting that of all the different angels I could have received, I received the one that is the most ironic. I feel like there's a message in the gift for me this year. It was a great party. And no one is going to get any work done for the rest of the day.

Sunday:

Woke up and went to church to practice the children's choir who amazingly enough really practiced a lot on their own and sounded great! My parents came into town to see my sister and I perform in our church's Christmas service last night. One of my friends cooked this whole meal for everyone so my family went to "dinner" at her place. She is such a great cook! The food was great, and so was the company. I'm really glad my parents had the chance to meet some of my friends. Then we relaxed at my place before heading out to the church.

Kids choir. So funny. Of course something always has to happen and what happened this time was that our littlest singer who is about 3 decides to hold a syllable just a tad too long in Joy to the World so it sounded like this:

Joy to the world,
the Lord is come
let Earth receive her Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnngggggehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

It made me laugh in the middle of the performance.

I thought things went rather well on the whole.

Saturday:

Christmas shopping, chores, and party. I cannot believe I actually found a spot at the mall to park in. I managed to do about half my Christmas shopping and wore myself out. Then I went back to my place to take a nap, only I watched "Elf" instead. It was still restful. Then I started washing my clothes, practiced guitar like crazy for the performance with the kids on Sunday, and then when my laundry was done, took it to dry at the laundromat, wherein a whole row of dryers did not work and there were not really too many dryers available. I had to finish my chores before going to the Christmas party, so I was about 2 hours late. However, I dressed up like a reindeer, and took a picture with my friend who dressed up like an elf. Awesome.
_________________________________________

I am noticing a reindeer theme. I think they are my favorite Christmas symbol. Which is sort of weird. And I'm still wearing antlers.

Another Christmas Party

So I'm going to this Christmas party on Saturday wherein there will be a Christmas sweater contest. I do not have any good Christmas sweaters. However. I do have reindeer antlers. So I think I'm going to resurrect my old halloween costume from about 5 years ago and show up as a reindeer. Yeah baby. I'll take pictures.

Music

I worked really hard on this piece for the orchestra I'm in. We did the concert last Friday, and none of my friends came. I was sad because no one I knew came. It made me realize that music is meant to be shared and that it is important to me, more important than I realized.

More parties

Went to a very fun birthday party last night that ended with a jam session wherein we all sang "isn't it ironic" by Alanis. Our new friend Kyle somehow manages to channel the spirit of the songwriters and singers of the songs he plays. He does a good Garth Brooks and Bryan Adams impressions. He also played a bit of Keith Urban, and I think he really likes country. He is definitely a good guitar player, and he's fun to be around.

Blue

Cellos sound blue.
Blue like the depths of the ocean
Sweetly, nostagically blue
Brought to life by a bow drawn across strings
Even happy sounds have sadness lurking beneath
Much as the sea happily winks on the surface
But is serious and darkly blue
down below
in its heart of hearts,
where few have ever been
or are likely to go.

Monday Mishaps: 2

It was such a busy weekend last weekend, and everything I did was fun, but it wore me out. Handel's Messiah took up about 6 hours of my time between the rehearsal and performance. I did not get my usual down day. By the time the weekend was over, I had a heck of a stack of laundry. So I decided to go to the laundromat. Everything was going well when I got a call from a good friend of mine. I have not talked to her in awhile, so it was good to catch up with her. Well, I hung up the phone, put it down on my passenger seat, opened my car door, locked it and closed it. I ended up locking my phone, my keys, and my wallet in the car that night. I had to run home to use the phone. It was about a mile. Then I called the auto club, and they bailed me out. I have a spare key somewhere, but I couldn't find it. It was a heck of a night.

I must be mentally stressed out, because that's when I always start either losing my keys, locking them in my car, or leaving them in the door. Which I also did about 2 weeks ago.

Recent Happenings

Reverse order events:

Piano Party (Saturday 12/02):
My roommate and I celebrated the moving of my piano from LA to SD with a party. It was really fun because it had a focus: everyone had to play or sing a song. It was highly entertaining and everyone had a good time. Toward the end of the party, one guy started playing guitar, and I started playing cello, and we had so much fun playing together for a small group of our friends...I think there were about 5 or so left. I told the guitar player that if he ever formed a band I would be in it.

Side note about the party: We now have a ridiculous amount of alcohol to drink at our place, and neither of us are big drinkers.

Arrival of the piano:
So excited to get my piano back. It is 100 years old and has been in my family for about 50 years. My grandmother bought it for my aunt to play when she was young, but my aunt just quit one day and the piano sat soundless. When my mom got married to my dad, my grandmother gave the piano to my parents because my dad is a musician. His mom (my other grandmother) is a music teacher, and all her kids are very talented musicians. Of all my siblings, I was the only one to learn and continue to play. My mom told me that I could have the piano. That day has come.

Saturday (of Thanksgiving weekend):
Drove back to San Diego from LA area to share a meal with my friends. It was a good time.

Friday (of Thanksgiving weekend):
At my dad's house for dinner. LS is 3 years old and belongs to my step-brother, who is back in jail.

RR: Hi Everyone! (Looks down at LS) Hi L! How are you?
LS: Do I know you?
RR: Well, we've met before but its been awhile. I'm Robyn. One of your aunts.
LS: Okay. Let's play.
-----------------------------

Well, we decorated the Christmas tree at my dad's house, had dinner together, and celebrated my step-sister's birthday.

Here's a funny story: Every year on Christmas day, we steal this family picture of all us kids when we were young and on vacation out of my step-mom's living room and wrap it for her to open. The first time it happened, she didn't notice and she actually laughed because it was unexpected. We have been trying to play this trick on her every year since. Every year we succeed in wrapping it, but most of the time, my step-mom notices that the picture is missing.

This year we are trying to scan and copy the picture without her noticing WAY before hand. I don't know if my sister succeeded in this endeavor, but this year, we are going to give my step-mom a poster size version of the photo. Should be entertaining.

I also went out with my two step-sisters and my sister that night. We had a good time and it was the first time all the girls went out together. However, my step-sister wasn't drinking very quickly so we had to invent a drinking game: For every five words that came out of her mouth, she had to take a sip of her drink...it was also helpful that she got a phone call and went outside because I was able to take a gulp of her drink so that she would finish it faster. If she noticed that there was less to drink when she came back, she didn't say anything.

Thanksgiving night:
We went to my grandma's house. The boys had invited two of their friends from Fresno to play in the Turkey Bowl. When we arrived to grandma's house, the boys and my sister started to play 3 flags up. Then we ate. Lots of food of course. And the two boys from Fresno proceeded to have an eating contest. Whoever ate the most would not have to drive that night all the way back to Fresno. My brother was the referee. The guy who lost ended up puking. Between the two of them they ate about 6 full plates of food and 10 pieces of pie.

Turkey Bowl (on Thanksgiving morn):
This holiday started early. My sister and I shared a room and her alarm went off at 6:30am. We sort of started getting ready for breakfast because our brothers and their friends were playing football in the morning... the annual red/black game that they started four years ago. This year, they painted the field, had a trophy, and my sister made big posters in support of the red team. There were a lot of families that showed up in support of the game. I filmed the whole game on my dad's digital recorder. The red team lost, mostly due to the fact that they didn't fight any of the bad calls that went against them.

Monday Mishaps

One of my co-workers asked me to help move some sodas over from the music department to her office. They were left over from homecoming events this weekend. We got everything loaded onto a book cart, and then headed over to the library. On the way, I hit a divet in the concrete, and all the sodas fell off the cart. So funny. We were helped by a kind faculty member from the math department to get all the sodas back on the cart.

Potlucks and Parties

Everytime I go to potlucks thrown by certain friends of mine, I have to see the guy who asked me out. He is always there. I have not gone out with him, and don't plan to. Now, normally, I think most people are fine in this situation. I get nervous and avoid him by talking to people in other rooms. I feel awkward, although he probably doesn't. I think I'm more socially inept than I had previously realized. I'm out of practice and find myself without topics to speak of with people I don't know very well. And I was thinking to myself that there were a few guys I would be interested in, but I have nothing to say to them really, mostly because I don't know what to say. I live a boring life. I really am out of practice trying to talk to people I don't know that well, and this is just one of the reasons why I don't like parties all that much.

So I think its ironic that my roommate and I are going to throw a party because once my piano arrives, the house will be completely ready for us to have our housewarming party. This will only be the second big party I've ever thrown. The first was a birthday party about 2 years ago.

The Ocean

So the ocean is the most interesting shade of purple today. Normally, it is shades of gray, blue, and green, but today...it is most definitely purple.

Sunday Boredom Series: 2

Just got back from visiting Laurel, and it was so fun. I really miss seeing old friends on a regular basis. I really wish we could live in the same city. But alas. I have committed myself to going back to grad school, and therefore, I will be living and working in San Diego for at least another three years. That's a good thing. My staff is very supportive, and bought me a sweatshirt from my new school and gave me cash for the books I will have to buy. I'm glad that I have a new path to follow, and although I never thought I would go this route, I feel that it is the right decision for now.

Word(s) of the week:

Christian Seekers

Definition: Those church-goers who go to church looking for date-able Christians of the opposite sex. Relentless attention seekers but only want attention from and or relationships with "attractive" members of the opposite sex.

The female version of the Christian Seekers drive me nuts, and I have not seen this very much with the guys cause there just aren't that many, and with the girls flocking to them, they don't really have to try.

News and Notes

It feels so good to have the housing situation under control. I'm done with my old place and into the new completely with nothing else to worry about. I called my parents to find out when I can move my piano down. I'm so looking forward to that day.

I went to Knott's Scary Farm last weekend and it was really fun. I didn't think it was very scary. It was more disturbing than anything else, and it was fun because of the people I went with. I found out that the guy who invited me along went to the same youth group I did in Jr. High and High School, and we know a lot of the same people even though we didn't know each other. I did recognize his brother though, who graduated high school a year ahead of me. It was one of those small world connections.

I also made a new friend (sort of). I had been meaning to try and hang out with this girl more often, but I really haven't been able to spend that much time with other people over the last month anyway. We really have a lot of the same interests and I really like her a lot. Now that I have moved, we're sort of neighbors. Anyway, she came to Knott's as well, and then over for dinner last Friday, and we ran some errands together last night. I'm really looking forward to getting to know her better.

Hope

I hurt because you are hurting
I do not have the words to help
And I do not envy your broken heart

But I do know that because you are strong,
You will grow stronger
Your love will grow wiser,
And your faith, deeper

Do not lose hope
because God loves us more than we can ever know or imagine.

Pathetic Life

I had a Sunday off for the first time in a long time. So I went to some friends' apartment and spent almost all day with them and a few other friends from church. It was so nice to be able to do that. I didn't realize how isolated I have been until I spent time with everyone and I was talking it over with a friend of mine who came to visit me for lunch and I started to tear up a bit. I have definitely been missing my friends because I used to only see them on Sundays, and now that I'm at a different location, I don't really see anyone anymore.

In thinking about what's been going on, I have a good exuse--all my energy has been taken up by the move I made, and I work on Sundays. As of yesterday (Wed.) my now ex-roommate was still sleeping in my old apartment. She was supposed to be out last Saturday. So now I'm responsible for 3 extra days rent because she wouldn't leave. This has been extremely frustrating and stressful. But she's gone, and I'm officially out of my old place and completely into the new. My new roommate comes back from her travels today, and I feel like life is getting back to normal. Finally. It has been a lonely few months, and I'm not always sure why I don't call more people in these situations. It has to do with my perception that I don't have strong enough relationships with people or my perception that they are too busy to spend time with me. I think deep down I sometimes feel like I'm boring, or uninteresting, and unimportant to a lot of people, which is somewhat true. We all have varying degrees of importance in relation to others. Anyway, that's what's going on. I'm going to Knott's Scary Farm this weekend...looking forward to that because I've never been. Not the smartest timing in terms of what I have to do the next day...I'm going to be exhausted...but should be worth it nonetheless.

Commitment

Just realized why I don't like committing to things... I want to be able to keep my options open.

This applies to relationships as well...this might be why I have trouble dating people. That and a fear of being emotionally vulnerable.

We've been talking about different personalities at work, and I think I'm an INTP, but not extreme. I have some, but not all of these characteristics.

Focusing issues

I'm having one of those weeks where it has just been hard to focus. I have one or two tasks that I really need to finish today, and should have been done yesterday or Monday yet I procrastinate.

Its been a contemplative week for me as I've been sick, and it has made me phyisically weaker than I thought it had, I haven't been around a whole lot of people outside of work, and I have been wrestling with a decision that I really shouldn't have to wrestle with. I feel like I should just be able to make up my mind and be done with it. But I can't.

And I had a dream last night about being exposed and feeling out of control even though I should have had more control in the situation. This was interesting on a number of levels especially since I have been thinking a bit more about the level of emotional vulnerability I have with different people in my life.

Then last night at my Bible Study, we talked about how there used to be a barrier between us and God, and now there's not, so that he is now always present through the Holy Spirit and whether this has any impact on our daily lives.

Bottom line: I have a lot on my mind.

Notes

Notes in chronological order:

1. On Friday night, I waited for a friend of mine to pick me up to go spend the night at Newport. She was over an hour late, and there's nothing that makes me more insecure than complete tardiness. She didn't have her phone with her, so I thought I might have been abandoned. And there's other things I could have been doing besides sitting there and waiting for her to pick me up. It brings back a lot of unpleasant memories and totally puts me on edge emotionally. I think there are some issues here that I might need to work through...

2. Went to Disneyland yesterday for staff appreciation through work. This was really fun and I made some great connections with people at PLNU that I had not met before. One of them is getting his Ph.D. in Political Science at UCSD (I think...) and was encouraging me to apply to teach world civ. I'll go talk to him later this semester.

3. My apartment manager called my mom re: the old apartment, and I just don't want to deal with it. However, I still need to go get the last few things that are in the kitchen and in my room. I hate trying to get the stuff that's last. Mostly unimportant junk that needs to be cleaned up, and who knows if my ex-roommate has been trashing the place. This is probably what a break-up would be like except the break-up would be worse, cause my heart would have been more involved. I wish there was a move-out fairy, who could, with the swipe of her wand, move all my stuff from one place to the other without having me there.

4. I led kids' club at church this morning and taught the lesson in addition to leading the worship. Right before I started teaching the lesson, I felt something tickling my arm and brushed it off, only to find a rather large spider there. It was bigger than your typical SoCal spider about the size of a $0.50 piece, and I think I yelped a little just from the surprise, and then the kids were distracted by it and kept saying, "Don't kill it!!!" Finally, our true director got it with some posterboard and relocated it to the grassy area right behind our area. Had this been my brother or sister, I don't think they would have been functional from the fright.

Thunder & lightening...

There was a storm right over San Diego last night, and it was loud! Very tropical and muggy air. The lightening was striking so close and making car alarms go off and all the windows shake. It would have been cool to watch this storm over the ocean. We don't have storms like this very often in SoCal. They happen more frequently in the mountains and not so frequently

I think I forget how scary the storms can be when you're in the midst of them.

Tired!!!

My old roommate had a meltdown this morning. I was in no mood to deal with it. I think reality set in as she saw me put all my stuff in boxes and stack them by the front door. She asked me "why do you feel like you need to get out of here so fast?"

Real Answer #1: You are inconsiderate and I have been an insomniac with you as my roommate. You have broken our rental agreement by being loud at night, and by not informing me when your boyfriend spends the night. (Of course I did not say this to her yet...)

Real Answer #2: Because I have free time this weekend, and if I want people to help me move, I need to have everything ready to go. (this is the one I used.)

I was going to take a nap this morning, but I didn't get to because she was having a meltdown. AAARRRRGGGHHH!!!!

I feel just a little guilty for leaving her like this, but I'm fed up. And I feel guilty for not having more compassion toward her. But seriously, she needs more help than I can offer. What do you do when people need so much help that you don't even know where to begin or need so much help you don't want to get involved? I think that's where I'm at. I just don't like to get involved at all in relationships with people who seem to have too many needs to count.

My news

Okay, so my friend and I found this great place to live. We liked it mostly, but there are a few things we didn't like, but we have decided to live there. It's so nice, and we're both really excited. I'm starting to pack tomorrow morning. Yesssssss..... actually, I hate packing. And this is not going to be fun.

However, I'm looking forward to reorganizing and a new start. Change is good, and there's enough space for my piano. No pets allowed, but since the owners of this place live next door and don't rent anything else, I'm hoping I might be able to talk them into letting me get a small dog.

I also went to the bank and took out $500 cash for the deposit. Combined with the money I have from the summer pops, I am walking around with more than $700 on my person. Pray I don't lose it or get robbed. Seriously.

I can't think of a good way to transition into what I say next, so consider it a non-sequitor:

There's this rule I have... if you wear a white shirt out to eat, you're just asking for it... and even though I know this, I still wore a white shirt today, and yep. Spilled some salsa right down the middle. (Sigh.) I am such a klutz.

Sunday boredom series: 1

I'm so tired!!! I've brought this upon myself. I really need adult supervision at the bookstore because I really should not be allowed to buy books after 9pm. I stay up too late to finish them even when I know I have an early and long day the next day.

That's what I did last night after I talked to Laurel.

Also went househunting on Friday, and found one nice place, but they wanted us to move in on Monday. We were both feeling a bit rushed, and the price was good, but the deposit was high. Its too bad they couldn't give us a day or two to think about it because we really liked it.

Hopefully we'll find something just as good in a better location.

Untitled for now

I occasionally have these days where I'm very busy, I'm happy that I'm busy, but then at the end of all the activity, I get a little melancholy. I'm not exactly sure why today is one of those days.

This morning, I went to leadership training. The leaders at my church have been sort of trying to get me more involved, or at least trained so I can lead if they need me to. I do tend to be sort of a natural leader whether I'm officially leading or not, so I guess its good to be official. So it was me and a bunch of guys this morning which was encouraging to see. I was glad to see that there are many men in my church committed enough to say yes, I want to serve. Anyway, I got put in charge of creating next week's ice-breaker. Since its a training week, perhaps I will ask them to share the best ice-breaker they've ever experienced or encountered... that would be funny I think...

Then I met up with an old friend from high school. That was actually fun. My 10 year reunion is in October, and so I have reconnected with a couple people that I have known since elementary school. This friend went to school with me for my whole K-12 academic experience. We grew apart because I think we were at different places in life, and because of our faith backgrounds. She's not a Christian, and I had shared the gospel with her many times, and she just wasn't receptive. So we hit a wall in our relationship, and I sort of gave up. Distance aided our "break-up" because I went away to college, and she stayed in my hometown. It was good to reconnect with her. She's doing well, and I'm glad she made an effort to come visit me while she was in town.

Then I picked up a friend of mine and went to a bridal shower. I've been to three of them over the summer. This one did me in. It was long, and although many of my friends were there, its not exactly a good place for talking or whatever cause this one was a little more structured.

Laurel called while I was at the shower, and I'm so glad she did. I was having a good day, but then I just started thinking about where I am in my life, and how weird it is that I ended up where I am, and I think I started to feel some despair. One of those "I wish things were just a little different" days. I don't usually feel this way, and I will feel better in the morning, but it is going to be a long, lonely shift for me at work tomorrow.

I miss having my good friends around. Normally I would have called them to see if I could come over and just be. No stress, low key, just relax. I really wish I had someone down here who could provide that for me, and it really makes me sad that I don't. San Diego is a tough place to make good friends.

Possibilities

Yay!!!

I went out to dinner last night with a bunch of my friends from Bible Study, and I found out that one of the girls wants to move out of her place. This is such an answer to prayer because I think we would be very compatible roommates. The timeline works well for both of us. We would move into our place in November (hopefully). We just have to settle the 'where' and the 'how much' part of this deal.

This means that I put up with my other roommate for a month or two (as long as she can pay the rent) and then move out by November 30.

Eviction

Apparently my roommate got in a fight with her boyfriend the other night. I wasn't home but the manager asked me if I knew what was going on.

I'm going to evict her, I can't handle the instability of the situation, and it is unlikely that she will be able to change her behavior.

I just want some peace of mind, ya know?

Ranting

I came home last night to find my roommate and her boyfriend on the phone with his parents. I told her that I was going to go do my laundry, and then she said she wanted to come. I agreed to let her come, but it took a long time to get her out the door. Her boyfriend came with us.

Right before we left, she and I had a conversation. She mentioned that she felt like I was sending out "negative vibes" so I told her it was because I didn't understand the way she prioritized things. If I were in her shoes, I would be applying for everything I was interested in. The "I just need a job" situation. But she tells me (and this was not reassuring) that God always provides. "I know its stressing you out, but something always comes through for me at the last minute, and sometimes I just gotta trust that God will provide," she says.

I feel like this is illogical. God provides, but we also need to make an effort to make the most of our gifts and opportunities.

She also admitted that she doesn't want to try for a fear of failure, but I tried to tell her that to fail is to not try. Every attempt is a success because when you are job searching, you only need one job. The odds of getting a job are increased with every application you fill out, or every resume that you submit. I don't think she's buying it, and I still don't understand.

I don't like being home when she's there, last night she and her boyfriend were arguing and I hate listening to disagreements when I'm trying to sleep.

On top of it all, I'm getting sick and I don't want to stay home sick.

I'm kind of hoping she doesn't have enough money for rent this month so I have a good reason to evict her. Is that bad?

Go Chargers!

Friday night, Adam, Eric, and Tracy all came into town, and Duncan got to join us after practice. We all went to Cheesecake Factory and had a great time just hangin' out. Everyone but D stayed with me that night so that they could go start tailgating early in the morning before the game. I went to church and then went to the game after.

The Charger game was totally fun. We had great seats in the family section, so we got to meet all these other friends and family members. The Chargers won the game, and D got in on a series in the 4th quarter. He mostly blocked, but got to go out for a few passes too. Same as in college... when he's wide open, nobody throws to him. Frustrating.

Anyway, I'm watching the final preseason game at a coworker's condo on Friday night. She has TiVo and is saving and recording all of Duncan's games for me... so I have them on video.

Good Times

Went to watch Duncan practice last night, and they threw the ball to him twice in the end zone at the end of practice. He missed them both, but like I told him, "I'm glad they are throwing to you in the end zone!"

I didn't get to talk to him for very long, but I know he was glad to see me.

I am very thankful that my brothers and sister and I all love each other.

The game is going to be fun on Sunday, Chargers vs. Rams in San Diego.

Don't Stare

Last night was our annual PLNU community dinner. It was much better than last years because the program was better.

But I couldn't figure out why a certain guy, a friend of mine actually, was staring at me all night. It was weird and creepy. Then I figured out about in the middle of the program that it was because he was in my line of sight and because there was a mirror right behind me... he wasn't staring, he was watching the program in the mirror. Ha ha!!!

Back to school

I love fall. Sweaters, school starting, school supplies... but now I remember why I hated buying school books.

Decided to go buy my French book for the new semester before all the students come back so that I didn't have to wait in a long line and dang! My book is expensive. I dropped $120 like that. At least I don't have to pay for the class itself.

I also met the new French instructor yesterday. He is French, from France, and I'm scared. I have not reviewed all summer. Yikes!!! Studying would have made a difference. Maybe I'll do some reviewing this week and this weekend. He does seem very nice though, and I think I will learn a lot in this class. I always start the semester with good intentions but you know what they say about those.

I also need to finish my Library School application. I only need to gather everything together and send it at this point. I will hopefully be starting that in the Spring.

Kids Club

This morning at church, many of the kids from the VBS came to sing at church for their parents. We sang two songs I wrote. So funny. As I was exciting the service to go back to help supervise our Sunday morning kids club, one of the moms came up to me and said, "that song makes me cry everytime!" So cool! Not that she's crying, but that even my silly kids songs can touch people's hearts.

I met this mom on Friday night at our ice-cream social and her husband as well. We found out that her husband had never ever been to church before and because he came to our ice-cream social, and saw that we were nice, normal, casual, people, he agreed to come to church on Sunday. So cool. Their daughter wanted to sit next to me at lunch today. She's 8 or 9.

I started doing music for kids because I like to sing, I don't have to play guitar well, and because its fun. My talent for remembering the funny songs from my childhood has combined with my other musical talents, and I think I have found my calling... well... it doesn't seem like much of a calling. I have tried to write serious songs, but I'm not very good at them. I am a decent poet sometimes, but none of my poetry translates well to music. With the kids songs, they can be funny and they can rhyme. Which I can do.

It seems like such a small, silly, thing that I do--entertain kids on Sunday mornings--but God is always bigger than I think he is, and I am amazed that God is using this silliness in bigger ways than I imagined.

The Wedding

I went to a wedding last night for two friends of mine from San Diego. I played cello in it, and it was so much fun. Funny story though, I have a friend who is over 30 and really looking for "the right guy." She was assigned to sit at the same table as me, along with 3 other people I knew, and 3 I didn't know. My friend was all excited cause the guy sitting next to her was a brain surgeon. I'm serious. He was really nice, and the two of them seemed like they were getting along well. Came time to dance, and because I was the only girl left at the table, he asked if I wanted to dance. I said, "yes" of course because in my opinion, if you get asked to dance, you should dance. So we danced. It was fun. My friend came up to us a bit later during a break and said she was leaving. Knowing that she was interested in this guy, I told her, "well, you can't leave without dancing...you should dance one dance!" Perfect opportunity set up by me to let the two of them get to know each other. Alas, she refused the dance. I couldn't believe it. Her behavior really doesn't make sense to me because there's no harm in dancing... well, unless the guy just seems really creepy or wasted...but anyway, she should have danced with him. He was so cool. Maybe a bit old for me though. :)

There's this other guy that was at our table that I have known for awhile, and we see each other at social events. He is very intelligent but very quiet and sort of shy. I have a feeling he is a deep thinker and I always want to know what he's thinking about because I always forget to ask. I was dancing with a different guy than the one above, but then he noticed another girl on the floor who didn't have a partner, so in a moment of complete weirdness, he pulled her in so we were all dancing together. Too weird for me, and thankfully, I saw the guy from my table sort of on the outskirts of the floor looking bored. So I left the weirdness and pulled this guy onto the dance floor. Totally cool experience because once we started dancing he got a big grin on his face. So much better than the "bored face" of earlier.

I had to leave a bit early because of committments on Sunday morning, but as I was trying to say goodbye to another guy friend of mine he says, "you can't leave, I was going to ask you to dance!" I tried to tell him we could raincheck it, but then he says, "look, how often have I asked you to dance?" I said, "never." He said, "That's right, never, so you can't leave!" I laughed and agreed to dance the next dance with him.

Anyway, it was a good wedding overall, mostly because people weren't so uptight. Everyone was trying to have a good time. :)

My wedding stats:
20ish "good cello-ing" comments
10ish "love your outfit" comments
(very classy lavender tank with sequins, and long formal black full orchestra skirt)
6 dances with single guys
3 "goodnight" pecks on the cheek from single guys
2 "saved myself from tripping over my skirt" moments
1 small hole in my skirt from a "tripping over my skirt" moment
0 bridal bouquets caught.

Prodigal Son

For you, Ryan, who requested to see more kids songs on the blog...this is a song I wrote:

Once upon a time
A long time ago
There was a kid
Whose dad loved him so
But he got so tired
Of being told what to do
So he told his dad,
"Give me my money I'm leaving you"

His dad got a sad, sad, look on his face and said,

"Okay son, but I just need to say...

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again,
I'll be here waiting for you.

The kid took his money
And went into town
Bought lots of stuff
Had lots of friends around
One day he found
All his money was gone
All his friends left him
He wound up feeding some hogs

He got a sad, sad, look on his face and said,

"I wonder if my dad told me the truth..."

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again
I'll be here waiting for you.

The kid thought to himself,
"Well, I know my dad
I'll beg for a job,
And he'll take me back"
So he started home
And when he got near
His dad cried out,
"Son I'm so glad you're finally here!"

His dad got a glad, glad, look in his eye and said,

"Cook a feast, we're havin' a party!"

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again
I'll be here waiting for you.

VBS

My new roommate's boyfriend found a place to live. Yay! I'm glad, cause I was about to evict them both.

VBS is going well, but it is more tiring than I remember it being last year. Music has been going well, the kids are remembering the verse of the week because I put it to music, and things are good.

So.

My grandparents are coming into town tonight, so I think I am having dinner with them tonight.

That's all I have to say at the moment.

What have I gotten myself into?

Really wrestling right now with compassion vs. safety right now. My new roommate has a homeless boyfriend. He seems to be alright, but he has no job and nowhere to go. I've told her in no uncertain terms that its not okay for him to live with us. She seems to understand, and I made her sign a rental agreement yesterday that states that overnight guests must be cleared 24 hours in advance, and that they should not stay for an excessive amount of time. She was going to tell him today that he cannot live with us.

I can understand being down and out, and I know its hard, I've been there, but this guy does not seem to have any motivation to do anything and I think he's slightly depressed. I really hope this doesn't get out of hand, and while I feel compassionate toward him, I don't want him living with us at all. There are plenty of shelters in San Diego, and I might check with my church to see which agencies they work with. I don't understand why people sometimes will not accept help when it is offered them, unless this guy is on drugs, which is possible. Haven't been around him long enough to know.

Busy weekend

It absolutely amazes me how quiet my social life can be... no one I know really plans anything, but when they do, it is always on the same weekend, or during the same week.

I had one of the busiest weekends I've had in awhile, and my eye is still twitching. Probably from lack of sleep. On Friday night, I was supposed to go to a bridal shower for a friend of mine, but I also had to prepare my extra room for my new roommate. So on my way to the shower, I picked up some spackle, and a hammer, and then fixed up the room after the shower. Saturday, I probably should have done my laundry, but didn't. I woke up feeling sick and fatigued, so I just read all morning. Then I went to the grocery store and picked up some fruit to make a fruit salad for a party I was going to later in the afternoon. It was my kind of party. There were 5 of us there, 3 girls from my old Bible study, and a guy who is dating one of them. We sat around by the pool and caught up on each other's lives. It was really cool. Then I went to a birthday party, but only stayed for about an hour because I was so tired. I came home to find my new roommate in teh process of moving in, so the apartment was kind of a disaster. But that's alright. Sunday, I led our Kids Club, and it was probably the best job I've done so far. It was really fun. I went to lunch with two groups... I left one group early, and met the other group later. Then I had to find a skirt to wear out for a going away party last night for a friend of mine who is ironically moving close to where I grew up. We went to the W hotel in San Diego, and it was really fun. The friend who planned it told all the girls we had to wear skirts or dresses. Since I don't really have any casual dresses, and I don't like wearing skirts, I had to go find a skirt to wear with the shirt I wanted to wear. But it was a good shopping trip, because I not only found a great skirt, but also found a shirt I can wear with either black pants or skirt to the wedding I am playing in soon. Everyone was surprised and I told them to take pictures because who knows when they will see me in a skirt again.

I also found out on Saturday that my brother got signed by the San Diego Chargers. I'm so excited because I'm in San Diego. So his girlfriend is visiting me for a few days, and I'm taking some time off so that we can hang out and go watch the open practices.

New Roommate

One of the girls I originally interviewed called me yesterday on my lunch break. She is a Christian girl, and had to be out of her place by August 1. I really liked her, but she is in complete transition right now-- no job, no car, no degree. She's 24. But I need a roommate, and she needs a room, and she says she'll pay the rent. Even though it seems risky to me, I couldn't say "no" cause it sounded like she needed a break and a chance. A little bit of grace. I've been on the down-and-out side, and its not fun, and I understand how hard it is to make it in San Diego. Hopefully I will not regret this decision.

Not moving

So both of my housing options just fell through, and I'm feeling just a bit overwhelmed already knowing that its going to take time and energy to find a roommate. I'm not moving out. I plan to stay at my place. If I find a roommate I really like, then I might consider moving, but I'm finding that good roommates are in high demand and short supply. I'm about to post an ad on Craig's list and see what weirdos I get.

In other news, I was surprised a few days ago by a visit from a friend of my brother's who is currently competing for the kicker position for the Dallas Cowboys. He was down in San Diego visiting family, and came to Point Loma to run on our beautiful track. I told him if he makes it onto the team I would go to the Chargers/Cowboys game and root for Dallas. :) Then I told him he owes me an autograph if he makes it.

I also got to work with my friend Michael on a song I wrote for the kiddies who will be attending VBS in 2 weeks. Its a call and response song about the Prodigal Son. The chorus (the only part of the song that is NOT call and response) is this:

I will always love you
No matter what you do
Whenever you come home again
I'll be here waiting for you

Its very catchy. I think it was stuck in Michael's head last night. Ha ha!!! I'm so evil!!! Mwa ha ha ha...

Miscellaneous

I went and saw a fiddle concert on Monday night. So fun. I think I want to learn. These were some of the best musicians in the world.

Still don't know what's up with housing... but I should know if I'm staying or going by the end of this evening. Hopefully.

I'm trying to get ready for VBS again. I have a couple new songs, but they need some work. I'm not good enough on the guitar to be able to put together the best possible combination of chords for the lyrics I've written.

They took the packing out of my wisdom tooth empty socket, and so I'm feeling it a little more today. I still can't really eat hard and crunchy things. It hurts my teeth.

Moving?

What a difficult decision. My roommate just moved out, and so I either need to move, or find a roommate. All the girls I have interviewed so far are unemployed. I have one opportunity to move out, and found out that the girls who currently live in this place might be moving after 10 months. But it sounds fun. I'd have to give up my furniture. But I could move my piano down.

Aaarrrgghhh!!! I don't want to think about it anymore. But the house is looking like my best option because the girls are both relatively stable. Its in a great location.

But only for 10 months? Can't I find something more stable than that?